To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

[blubberball]

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

I'll ask again. Does the step father in that situation marry the mother with the only intention being to become a parent?

Relevance? You don't have to be offended and you don't have to gatekeep parenthood. Can you answer why a stepparent who adopts a child isn't their parent please?

It OBVIOUSLY depends on the circumstances. But yes, a stepparent can be a child's parent based on:

• how long they've known the child
• age when they first met
• closeness of relationship
• how much childcare they've done
• if they live with the child
• if there is no other living or present mother/father

@undetetected

I'll ask again. Does the step father in that situation marry the mother with the only intention being to become a parent?

Relevance? You don't have to be offended and you don't have to gatekeep parenthood. Can you answer why a stepparent who adopts a child isn't their parent please?

It OBVIOUSLY depends on the circumstances. But yes, a stepparent can be a child's parent based on:

• how long they've known the child
• age when they first met
• closeness of relationship
• how much childcare they've done
• if they live with the child
• if there is no other living or present mother/father

The bloody relevance is that intending to parent and nothing else would be what makes it like adoption. That is literally the conversation we are having!

I haven't said a step parent who Adopts a child isn't their parent. They literally are, by law. I'm unsure why you're questioning this as literally nobody has said that's the case, at all.

None of that makes it comparable to adoption, especially if they have two living involved parents. Living with a child and doing childcare does not make you a parent, btw. Legally, a step parent isn't a parent unless they adopt, which most don't. Of course you may take on the role of a parent, but many don't, and it shouldn't be the expectation.

Going back to the adoption comparison, it's still not the same despite your erm, compelling argument.

Adoption is about becoming a parent legally to a child that has got no other adults responsible for him/her.

Step-parents are biological parents partners are there to support them in parenting. I’m a step mum but my step son has got two very involved, loving parents in his life - I surely don’t feel the same level of responsibility for him as though he was adopted by me. I don’t do school pick ups, don’t go to parents evenings etc.

I haven’t got a parental responsibility, I don’t have maternal feelings towards him - I care for him, I want all that’s best for him, want him to be safe, happy and loved. And he is, with or without me in his life.
Adopted child relies in 100% on their adoptive parents.

@PinkSyCo

I think it would be very very rare for a stepfather or stepmother to truly love their stepchild. We’re just not biologically primed to love other people’s kids like we do our own.

What about when a couple have used a sperm donor? Is the woman’s partner not capable of loving that child like his own?

@CounsellorTroi I personally think again that's different. That's a baby you're actively planning and intending to parent from the very beginning, more similar to adoption than step parenting.

@Mummytobe93

Adoption is about becoming a parent legally to a child that has got no other adults responsible for him/her.

Step-parents are biological parents partners are there to support them in parenting. I’m a step mum but my step son has got two very involved, loving parents in his life - I surely don’t feel the same level of responsibility for him as though he was adopted by me. I don’t do school pick ups, don’t go to parents evenings etc.

I haven’t got a parental responsibility, I don’t have maternal feelings towards him - I care for him, I want all that’s best for him, want him to be safe, happy and loved. And he is, with or without me in his life.
Adopted child relies in 100% on their adoptive parents.

That's fair enough, but for others it's different depending on circumstances. I don't get why people can't grasp that. For some children they know no different than their stepparent.

Long term foster parents aren't a legal parent. Sometimes they are essentially the only parents the child knows. Whereas a teen being fostered won't feel the same way. It depends.

PinkSyCo
I think it would be very very rare for a stepfather or stepmother to truly love their stepchild. We’re just not biologically primed to love other people’s kids like we do our own.

What about when a couple have used a sperm donor? Is the woman’s partner not capable of loving that child like his own?

I’ve said I think it would be very rare for a non biological parent to truly love the child, not impossible.
In the way you describe is rather different because the ‘father’ will have entered the situation from a point of love and with his eyes wide open. He would be there throughout his partner’s whole pregnancy, attend scans, help with the choosing of names etc. He would more than likely watch that child come into the world, hold him/her straight away. He would be part of that child’s growth from day dot, helping to nurture him, instilling good behaviour and morals in the child as it grew, so overall I think the bond would naturally be very much stronger in this case.

Everyone needs to realise:
A- not everyone has the same circumstances as you. Some stepparents are a child's only second parent
B- you have no idea who is related or not. That's not the defining factor
C- there's enough parenthood to go around. You don't get to invalidate others loved experience by dating someone who raises a child almost their entire life isn't their parent.

That's fair enough, but for others it's different depending on circumstances. I don't get why people can't grasp that. For some children they know no different than their stepparent

In which case yes it can be similar to adoption BUT in general terms, step parenting is nothing like adoption. Only in very certain circumstances does it become similar. On the whole it's not.

@undetetected

We are saying that you don't go comparing step-parents to adoptive parents, same way as you don't compare step-parents to bio parents. Because adoptive/bio parents are the parents and the same thing apart from the child not being biologically theirs, but the child is still theirs. Parental responsibility, moral and financial obligations, which step-parents do not have. There are exceptions to the rule of course, but that's what they are, exceptions! You're the one that can't grasp it!

Myself and my DH have two DSs. He adores them. I have a DD from a previous marriage. DH has been in her life since she was 4. I share custody of her 50:50. my DH loves my DD but I know it's not as much as our 2 DS but when she is at ours, she is treated the same and I don't think has any idea that she is loved a little bit less and never will.

Being a step parent isn't the same as adopting a child, not sure why some are so keen to try and prove that it is.

@undetetected

Everyone needs to realise: A- not everyone has the same circumstances as you. Some stepparents are a child's only second parent B- you have no idea who is related or not. That's not the defining factor C- there's enough parenthood to go around. You don't get to invalidate others loved experience by dating someone who raises a child almost their entire life isn't their parent.

You're taking this very personally. Nobody is saying what you think they're saying.

@Icemast

Being a step parent isn't the same as adopting a child, not sure why some are so keen to try and prove that it is.

I always just think it shows general levels of ignorance about adoption.

It’s offensive to adopted children and their parents rather than to stepparents.

Being a step parent isn't the same as adopting a child, not sure why some are so keen to try and prove that it is.

Definitely not.

But imagine not having a dad and living

Sorry.

Imagine not having a dad and living with siblings who did have a dad, and he was in your home, but he didn't love you.

We would think this was an awful and damaging situation for a child. Adoption would be preferable for a child.

That’s ridiculous. Whether it is a good or bad situation depends entirely on how people handle things.

Children do not have to be loved by everyone to thrive. In fact, the expectation that everyone should love them and act accordingly is probably extremely damaging for a child.

There’s a long distance between not loving a child and mistreatment.

Children can understand that even if their dad is absent, other children’s are not. It’s not a reflection on them. It’s a reflection on the dads involved.

Children can understand that even if their dad is absent, other children’s are not. It’s not a reflection on them. It’s a reflection on the dads involved.

No, I don't think they necessarily can. It's convenient for you to think, though.

@Choppingonions

Children can understand that even if their dad is absent, other children’s are not. It’s not a reflection on them. It’s a reflection on the dads involved.

No, I don't think they necessarily can. It's convenient for you to think, though.

They can if the adults around them ensure they actively teach them that. And to build their feeling of being valued and valuable.

And the rest of the world doesn’t undermine it by insisting that they’re victims by default.

Nope. It doesn't help with the yearning or the pain of seeing it within touching distance and knowing that somehow you weren't chosen.

I love my stepchildren, who are now 19 and 22. They've been in my life for 15 years. I didn't start out loving them - but I cared for them because they're my partner's children and I thought very hard about getting into a relationship with someone with children. I'd hope anyone would.

I have a child with DP and the truth is that I love her in a totally different way to how I feel about the DSC. But I'd die before I let any of them know that. I want them to feel loved, cared about, welcome, equally, all the time. Sometimes that has been really difficult but I've always seen that as my problem to fix. They drive me mad (or did when they were younger) in a way that my own DD doesn't - but I would NEVER let them know that.

I do love them lots. They're great. It was worth the hard work.

You're amazing changes. If their own mum isn't around I think that's the only way you can be with a person who has children, especially if you have your own. I realise you didn't say that their mum isn't involved so she probably is, which just makes you even more amazing in my book as it would be so easy to think "they have their own mum".

@Choppingonions

Nope. It doesn't help with the yearning or the pain of seeing it within touching distance and knowing that somehow you weren't chosen.

Framing it as ‘choosing’ is utterly ridiculous.

It’s not about not being chosen. Ever. And if you suspect a child feels that it might be about choices then you should help that child to understand that it’s totally ok for mums and dads to love their own children in a way they don’t and won’t live anyone else.

If there’s a choice involved, then actually the SP is choosing to live with them, spend time with them, care for them. They are not making that kind of choice with their own kids. So they should feel that there’s something special about them. It doesn’t need to be (parental) love.

And their dad’s absence shouldn’t be framed as a choice about the child either. That’s about their own issues and inability to take responsibility - and gain the huge advantage of having their child in their life. But it is hard for the child not to feel rejected by a shit parent.

Tbh, I think you just want to blame a stepparent for a parent’s inadequacy here. The problem is not a lack of love from a SP. It’s a shit father. And that is not the SP’s doing.

It’s offensive to adopted children and their parents rather than to stepparents.

Why is that offensive? It's specific to the scenario whether it's similar or not. And being offended isn't a golden ticket to silence people.

@misspg08

It’s offensive to adopted children and their parents rather than to stepparents.

Why is that offensive? It's specific to the scenario whether it's similar or not. And being offended isn't a golden ticket to silence people.

It’s offensive because it illustrates ignorance about adoption.