To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

[blubberball]

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

So you're happy to victim blame then basically, nice. Clearly you've never been in an abusive relationship, which it sounds to me like it was. Perhaps you lack understanding or empathy but why bother posting that, you might want to but you're making yourself look not very nice.

If you want to call that victim blaming so be it. And fyi I have been in an abusive relationship yes. I could never stay with a man who could emotional abuse kids though.

@PinkSyCo

So you're happy to victim blame then basically, nice. Clearly you've never been in an abusive relationship, which it sounds to me like it was. Perhaps you lack understanding or empathy but why bother posting that, you might want to but you're making yourself look not very nice.

If you want to call that victim blaming so be it. And fyi I have been in an abusive relationship yes. I could never stay with a man who could emotional abuse kids though.

Would you like a gold star? It's all well and good saying I'd never do x y or z you have no idea what you'd do until you were in that situation. When you are being emotionally abused yourself, it's not always that easy to identify when somebody else is, when you've had it drilled into you that abusive behaviour is normal and okay.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro not at all, I wasn't answering your posts BTW.

@BabyTurtIe

* I mean why not? People love their adopted children as much as their bio ones (if they have them), it's no different. You don't have to be related to a child.

If you raise a stepchild from young they are pretty much your child, you knew them before your other biological children in some cases, so🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe you couldn't but it's not really an odd thing.*

It’s been said on here not to compare adopted children to step children so I can’t comment on that however adoption wouldn’t be for me either. I do find it odd as I don’t think humans are programmed to love other children as much as their own and in all honesty when relationships end step parents don’t usually see that child again so I very much doubt they love them like their own children.

I have no doubt that had me and my husband divorced he would have continued to see his step children. I have a friend who still sees his step children now he is divorced from their mum. My own mother carried on seeing her step children when she left my dad. It happens.

There is nothing odd about step parents loving their step children as much as their own children. It was has worked well for us.

[quote Marmelace]@Getyourarseofffthequattro not at all, I wasn't answering your posts BTW.[/quote]
You have and that's irrelevant, BTW.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro and who the hell are you to tell someone they've never been in an abusive relation. Maybe some people see from the children's position as well as the poor adult who walks away, dubbing them unlovable!

[quote Marmelace]@Getyourarseofffthequattro and who the hell are you to tell someone they've never been in an abusive relation. Maybe some people see from the children's position as well as the poor adult who walks away, dubbing them unlovable![/quote]
I didn't tell you you hadnt? I made an assumption based on your ignorant comment.

I do see it from the children's point of view, but the post wasn't about the children really, was it? I think we can all understand how bad it was for the children, clearly, what some of us are struggling with is how it affects others in the situation and how often the parents are to blame for the step parent not being able to love the child.

Would you like a gold star? It's all well and good saying I'd never do x y or z you have no idea what you'd do until you were in that situation. When you are being emotionally abused yourself, it's not always that easy to identify when somebody else is, when you've had it drilled into you that abusive behaviour is normal and okay.

I like that you think you can speak for me. I can’t be bothered to argue with someone as presumptuous as you, so will just agree to differ at this point.

Oh dear, resorting to name calling.

@PinkSyCo

Would you like a gold star? It's all well and good saying I'd never do x y or z you have no idea what you'd do until you were in that situation. When you are being emotionally abused yourself, it's not always that easy to identify when somebody else is, when you've had it drilled into you that abusive behaviour is normal and okay.

I like that you think you can speak for me. I can’t be bothered to argue with someone as presumptuous as you, so will just agree to differ at this point.

I'm not speaking for you, it's simply a fact that none of us truly know what we would do in a situation until we are in it. We all think we do, certainly, but we don't actually know because how can we.

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@cookiemonster2468 I understand that, I too have a step parent whom may as well be my real parent and i am also not adopted. What I'm saying is marrying someone with a child is not the same as going through the process of adopting a child unrelated to both parents.[/quote]

How? It is for the non-related parent. I get that adoption is hard with the process etc. But I don't get the massive difference. The point is it's possible to love an unrelated child like your own- why would any adopter/adopted child disagree with that

My colleague is step mum to her partners kid. Been together 4 years and she was put in the mum immediately. She liked it as always wanted more kids. She has a 22 year old, he has a 12 year old. Seems to work perfectly for them and I am surprised as he got with her only a few weeks from splitting with his wife of 10 years who he adored. Very lucky to have met someone perfect for him and his family just weeks after he split with his wife.

I've literally agreed that it's possible. Of course it's possible. It's not the same if another parent is involved, it's not the same if the parent you're married to had years of bringing up the child before you. I'm not denying in some circumstances step parents can love a child as their own, I'm sure they can, but I don't agree it's the same as adoption. They're two different sets of circumstances, in both, yes the child can be loved by someone biologically unrelated. I don't think it's all that common in step parenting, where it is likely very common in adoption. The intent is clear in adoption, from day one they are your child, when marrying someone with a child, they're not. It might grow, it might not but they aren't just your child overnight like in an adoption.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I've literally agreed that it's possible. Of course it's possible. It's not the same if another parent is involved, it's not the same if the parent you're married to had years of bringing up the child before you. I'm not denying in some circumstances step parents can love a child as their own, I'm sure they can, but I don't agree it's the same as adoption. They're two different sets of circumstances, in both, yes the child can be loved by someone biologically unrelated. I don't think it's all that common in step parenting, where it is likely very common in adoption. The intent is clear in adoption, from day one they are your child, when marrying someone with a child, they're not. It might grow, it might not but they aren't just your child overnight like in an adoption.

Well, yes, exactly. Comparisons to adoption are mad. In adoption, each adoptive parent has worked very hard to be approved and then to be linked to a child, survive introductions etc — their intent is to bond, create an attachment and, eventually, love. A step-parent by definition is only in their stepchildren’s life because of their relationship with the children’s parent. That doesn’t mean love and attachment can’t grow, but it’s not the primary motivation.

What does that have to do with loving a non bio child like yours? The fact you had to get approved...?

It depends on the circumstances. A stepparent involved from early on with no other parent is as much a parent as a biological or adoptive parent, the end.

@thispooshallpass

What does that have to do with loving a non bio child like yours? The fact you had to get approved...?

It depends on the circumstances. A stepparent involved from early on with no other parent is as much a parent as a biological or adoptive parent, the end.

You're literally ignoring the point. Do you marry someone specifically because you want to become a parent? No, you do not.

I don't know why you're deliberately misunderstanding. Nobody is denying your husband is a parent, just saying it's not the same as adoption, because it's not.

@thispooshallpass

What does that have to do with loving a non bio child like yours? The fact you had to get approved...?

It depends on the circumstances. A stepparent involved from early on with no other parent is as much a parent as a biological or adoptive parent, the end.

You don’t see a difference between (1) deciding to adopt, going through the lengthy approval process and being matched with a child whose legal relationship with birth parents has been legally terminated and (2) happening to fall in love with X, who has a child or children you would never have met had you not been in a relationship with their parent, and who is likely to have two functioning parents in their life?

Sorry, but I have heard after adoptions going bad after the adopting couple got a new baby of their own, where the parents could not love the previously adopted child in the way they they love their own.

I have also seen adoptive parents who love their children and adopted children exactly the same.

I fail to see the difference between adopting and step parenting, both have their own individual difficulties, which vary according to case specific circumstances. Some adoptive parenting relationships succeed some don’t, much like with step parenting.

The only big difference I can see is that stepparents are often portrayed as the evil characters in Disney stories while adopted parents get brownie points for opening their heart and home to a child… much in the same way as stepparents also do, with good intentions and with children who may have been caught in a lot of conflict and a result are carrying trauma which may interfere when blending a family or building/increasing one through adoption.

My partner and I have lived together for over twenty years. My husband had left us and he had been single for years when we met.

My children have put the poor man through hell especially when they were teenagers and he still stayed !

He has supported them all with advice and help and money. They know he is not their father but they all respect him now and admit they were bastards to live with. I would not call it love but as far as family relationships go, if anything were to happen to him they would be as devastated as I.
He cares for them all, but he does not love them the way he loves his own daughter, that's understood.
He is a part of their lives, and that is good enough for me

Lol. Stepmother on the stepparent thread are like how do I nacho this child, little shit, and then there are people on this thread saying a stepdad needs to love the kids. Double standards! 0

If everyone just loved their own children rather than needing to live other people’s, it might be better for the children. Why do you need a step parent to love a child, where’s that child’s own biological parent (father in most cases). Loving someone else’s kid probably - based on this ridiculous expectation.

@TheBigDilemma

Sorry, but I have heard after adoptions going bad after the adopting couple got a new baby of their own, where the parents could not love the previously adopted child in the way they they love their own.

I have also seen adoptive parents who love their children and adopted children exactly the same.

I fail to see the difference between adopting and step parenting, both have their own individual difficulties, which vary according to case specific circumstances. Some adoptive parenting relationships succeed some don’t, much like with step parenting.

The only big difference I can see is that stepparents are often portrayed as the evil characters in Disney stories while adopted parents get brownie points for opening their heart and home to a child… much in the same way as stepparents also do, with good intentions and with children who may have been caught in a lot of conflict and a result are carrying trauma which may interfere when blending a family or building/increasing one through adoption.

And there are bio parents who abuse or neglect their own children or don't love them, can happen when a new baby is in the picture, what is your point? Both bio parents and adoptive parents are equally known as 'parents'. You know, the people who have parental responsibility and moral and financial obligations to their children? It is dismissive to suggest that just because a child may be adopted, their parents love them any less or the children are somehow less deserving.

Step-parents however do not have parental responsibility, and fewer moral obligations, neither do they have financial ones. Generally speaking, both parents are equally responsible over their children, or if a lone parent then the buck stops with them. Step-parents are not equal parents with equal say. Normally they don't get to make decisions about the child's health and education, or take them for a haircut, or permit a piercing under the age of 16, or bathe the step-child etc. Yes there are some step-parents who are equally involved, but only on the initial say so of the parent, and this is usually only the case when the step-parent has been around since the child was a baby or toddler. But most often they step into the child's life much later, and many step out much the same too after the relationship with parent falls apart. Some step-parents stay in touch, but there is not even a moral obligation on them to do that.

Every blended family is different, but it's just plain wrong to make a blanket statement that says there is no difference between adopting and step parenting. As if every bio parent is amazing and we don't have millions of feckless fathers as well as children in the care system because both their bio parents failed them miserably.

I see both as parents, there are a lot of people in this thread saying it is not the same.

My only blanket statement is that every case is different.

@TheBigDilemma

I see both as parents, there are a lot of people in this thread saying it is not the same.

My only blanket statement is that every case is different.

You just typed a whole post explaining why adoptive parents and step parents are the same. Apparently the only big difference is Disney portrayals! No mention of bio parents, as if they are in a league of their own. You came across as a defensive step mother to be honest. Are you?