To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

[blubberball]

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

Sorry, but I have heard after adoptions going bad after the adopting couple got a new baby of their own, where the parents could not love the previously adopted child in the way they they love their own.

So you think adopted children aren’t our own children?

The step parent normally never sees the non-bio children again if they split with the parent. Tells you all you need to know.

I don’t expect my husband to love DS but I know he cares about him. I feel much the same about the step-kids.

@TeachesOfPeaches

The step parent normally never sees the non-bio children again if they split with the parent. Tells you all you need to know.

You have to admit, it’s a very difficult situation and much of it’s going to depend on the age of the kids when the adults split. I never saw my first step mum again but I was 11 so it’s not like I had the money to get the bus to see her and mobile phones weren’t a thing. Regarding my second step mum, it was far easier as I was an adult and could make my own choices.

I would never be with someone who didn’t love my kids.

@Simonjt

Sorry, but I have heard after adoptions going bad after the adopting couple got a new baby of their own, where the parents could not love the previously adopted child in the way they they love their own.

So you think adopted children aren’t our own children?

Jesus, what I am saying is that being an adoptive parent and being a step parent share a lot of similarities. Every case is different, sometimes blending/adopting works sometimes it doesn’t.

Period.

@TheBigDilemma

Sorry, but I have heard after adoptions going bad after the adopting couple got a new baby of their own, where the parents could not love the previously adopted child in the way they they love their own.

I have also seen adoptive parents who love their children and adopted children exactly the same.

I fail to see the difference between adopting and step parenting, both have their own individual difficulties, which vary according to case specific circumstances. Some adoptive parenting relationships succeed some don’t, much like with step parenting.

The only big difference I can see is that stepparents are often portrayed as the evil characters in Disney stories while adopted parents get brownie points for opening their heart and home to a child… much in the same way as stepparents also do, with good intentions and with children who may have been caught in a lot of conflict and a result are carrying trauma which may interfere when blending a family or building/increasing one through adoption.

How about the other biological parents? That's a big bloody difference there that you've neglected to note.

I personally don't think they share many similarities at all unless you enter that child's life when they are very young, and their other parent is either completely uninvolved or dead. Equally, you still don't enter that relationship with the only intention being wanting to become a parent. If you do, frankly thats fucking weird.

Caring is necessary, love could grow over time.

I would not have my children living in a house where someone living there didn't care for them.

@TheBigDilemma So you’re confirming that you think adopted children aren’t our own children?

@MooseBreath

Caring is necessary, love could grow over time.

I would not have my children living in a house where someone living there didn't care for them.

I agree. That's what's important. I went in with the intention of being a kind friendly adult who he could trust. Nothing more. Not his mum. I didn't intend to love him like my own child because he has a mum. I do love him, and that builds as time goes on, but not in the same way I love my own child and I think that's fine.

[quote Simonjt]@TheBigDilemma So you’re confirming that you think adopted children aren’t our own children?[/quote]
You know you don't have to be offended. They are in your favour, unlike people who say they could never love a child that's not related to them. @TheBigDilemma said nothing wrong.

@undetetected So you think my children aren’t related to me and as well as not being my own

Have you not seen those videos on YouTube where the kids are raised by the stepfather and they surprise him by asking to be formally adopted? That's their father.

The amount of turmoil that goes into acquiring a baby doesn't make someone more a parent. Someone who had many miscarriages and a difficult birth isn't more a mother than a 19 year old.

[quote Simonjt]@undetetected So you think my children aren’t related to me and as well as not being my own [/quote]
You have issues. NOBODY said that. If you adopt or foster a child they are yours. If you birth a child they a yours. Stepparent. Yours. OK?

It's no different to adopting a child and a minority of stepparents do go on to adopt their kids. I'm not sure who is so offended by that, but it's definitely the same in theory. It's loving a child you aren't related to biologically who you raised, possibly from a young age. I definitely don't think that's odd even if you couldn't personally

Of course it's different. When you adopt you become that child's parents and everything else that goes along with that.

Unless we are talking about a situation where the child's biological parent is not in the picture then very often step parents are not wanted to take on parenting roles.

My step children have a very involved mother. She does not want me playing Mum to her kids and I don't need to either because they have her and their Dad in my husband.

I'd be utterly ludicrous to suggest that situation is the same as adopting the children. Of course it bloody isn't.

The experience of being my son's actual parent compared to being a step parent to children who have two involved parents already is COMPLETELY different. As it would be with adoption v step parenting.

@undetetected

Have you not seen those videos on YouTube where the kids are raised by the stepfather and they surprise him by asking to be formally adopted? That's their father.

The amount of turmoil that goes into acquiring a baby doesn't make someone more a parent. Someone who had many miscarriages and a difficult birth isn't more a mother than a 19 year old.

I'll ask again. Does the step father in that situation marry the mother with the only intention being to become a parent?

@undetetected my step sons mother would have a looooot to say if I said he was "mine"

I fail to see the difference between adopting and step parenting

The only across the board similarity with adoption and step parenting is that the child in question is not biologically yours.

But when you adopt that child is your child. You are a mother or a father like any other.

It's like saying being a mother and being a step mother are the same thing. They are not in I'd say most cases. There will be the exception of course where the biological mother is not around and the step mother has been that figure. But lots it not most step parenting cases I imagine, there are two actual parents still there. Two parents who don't need or often want you acting like mum.

It's entirely different to adoption. I am so shocked you think it's exactly the same tbh. It's so blaring obviously different.

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@undetetected my step sons mother would have a looooot to say if I said he was "mine"[/quote]
Some people are lone parents. Not everyone has the same life as you hun x

I'll ask again. Does the step father in that situation marry the mother with the only intention being to become a parent?

Exactly.

When you adopt your sole reason is to become that child's parent.

You marry your husband primarily for the adult relationship with him, not for the step parent relationship with his kids. That is a secondary thing that just happens when you marry someone with children, not the sole reason you do.

Yes, I know @undetetected it's okay for you to state that being a step parent makes the children yours, but not ok for me to point out some actual parents wouldn't be on board with that. Maybe you're a lone parent and your husband has taken over, but not everyone has the same life as you, Hun.

Some people are lone parents. Not everyone has the same life as you hun

Of course. Which is why most people have said the only comparable thing is when the other biological parent isn't on the scene and the step parent has been that figure.

But that is not most blended families.

It's not right to generally compare step parenting to adoption. Because outside of certain cases, it is generally nothing like it.

I fail to see the difference between adopting and step parenting

Then perhaps have a think about it and stop being ignorant?

In answer to the OPs question, no personally I don't think they have to love their step children (especially not the competitive love people seem to think exists on here), but absolutely should treat them well.