To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

[blubberball]

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

It really depends on the situation. My stepmother came into my life when I was 5 and I know she loves me, however we don’t have a mother/daughter relationship. I know she doesn’t love me the way she loves my (half) brother and she knows I don’t love her the way I love my mother, but that doesn’t diminish the relationship we have.

My brother has stepchildren that he loves as his own, however he doesn’t have any other children and they don’t have another father in their lives, which may or may not change things.

My Dad had a stepfather who came into his life as an adult and, although he cared for him, I don’t think he loved him. He was however treated as a member of the family.

No. I know I could not love someone else's kids as my own. My DS has a stepmum, I don't expect her to love him, as long as she treats him well.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Yes for me. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man not capable of loving my children as his own. It's a deal breaker.

For those saying no because they arent biologically his I hope you never adopt.

I wouldn't adopt, I know it's not for me. I think it's weird to try and force love.

@StopStartStop

Further, I would ask, if you have children why are you insisting they live with an unrelated adult? Couldn't you keep your sex life out of your children's homes and lives? There is no need for any 'partner' to love your children, or to know them at all.

I agree although it's not a popular opinion. Successful blended families are the exception rather than the norm and I think a lot of parents like to kid themselves that it's fine, the children would probably say different. I'm a single parent and I'm quite happy alone, I think it's a bit sad if you can't go without a live in partner for a few years for the sake of the kids.

@Waxonwaxoff0

It's not forcing love - its being careful who you choose to have a relationship with. I wouldn't want anyone who could only love a child that is biologically related. That's not a quality I could ever find attractive.

I think it's perfectly natural to love your own children more than you do other peoples.
I doubt many step parents love their partners children as much as they love their own.
Of course it's totally fine to be kind and caring towards them and to like them. I agree with posters who say it's like the care shown by school staff.

In reality I know lots of people who as children were treated kindly by step parents but still treated differently to their half/step siblings.
It also depends on the age of the children.
In fact of all the adults I know who's parent's marriages broke down, I would say the vast majority recall that there were discrepancies in the treatment they received and their half/step siblings received.
Ask yourself this, if your house was on fire and you could save only one person, would you really save your boyfriend's child over your own?

It depends how they treat them. If they are kind compassionate and treat them equally that's all you need. It doesnt need to be love and will never be the same as a biological child. But as the biological parent you will always know if the treatment is right or not. If anything my partner always had more patience and understanding with my eldest who isnt his. Maybe because he knew the feelings back are not unconditional.

I think the house on fire who do you save is a stupid argument. What if you have 3 children and can only save one? Where does it end....

To my mind DNA is no guarantee of love. Wasn't in my upbringing and have sadly seen it also with deadbeat dads. My partner loves our children like his own and I honestly couldn't have it any other way. I don't anyone who would accept less.

No, they don’t need to love them like their biological parent does. It’s perfectly reasonable for them to care about the child and ensure that child is treated the same as any bio children. But to insist they love the children is silly, as most don’t. That’s fine

@StopStartStop

Further, I would ask, if you have children why are you insisting they live with an unrelated adult? Couldn't you keep your sex life out of your children's homes and lives? There is no need for any 'partner' to love your children, or to know them at all.

Eh? So single parents should never get remarried or have any more kids?

I had my first at 16. Would have been a lonely life if I was never allowed to be in another relationship.

Willyoujustbequiet let's say you have one child and one step child then. Now answer the question truthfully.......

@Lunalicious

My DH loves all my 4 kids. 2 are his and 2 aren't. He treats them all the same... does he love them all equally deep down? I will never really know, but the kids all feel they are loved and treated equally and that is what matters.

This is how it needs to be with bells on.

Oh, I see, the first wives club is here to hate on step-families again... how predicable.

Not a clue, never brought anyone from any relationship into my home after I left my ex 16 years ago. My upbringing left me sadly uncapable to trust anyone else near my kids but me and their father.

My message was aimed @StopStartStop... you have a really sad outlook on life. I know loads of blended, happy families. My children love their step-dad, he is more hands on in their lifes then some children's "real" dads. We are very lucky to all have him in our family. Has nothing to do with my sex life though... but that is great too actually!

I would say it's dependent on how the relationship will be, if they are fulfilling the role of an absent parent, then really loving that child becomes important, especially if there are further kids in the mix, but if the child has a father who's still actively involved in their child's life and shows them the love that a father usually would, then its not quite so important.

I grew up in a household where my stepfather was allowed to demonstrate that he didn't like me very much, certainly didn't love me. He was called Dad because my mum didn't want the embarrassment of explaining that I wasn't his, and certainly didn't want to explain that 2 of her other children were also not his.

We were treated differently. Hugely differently to his own child. Our youngest sibling was definitely cherished and cared for, whilst I was treated as an inconvenience. When my siblings found out that he wasn't their biological father, their response was, we always thought that might be the case, you treated us more like you treated nowayout than you treated "xxxx"

I personally couldn't have settled down with a man who didn't love my daughter because of that. DH has a lot of real negatives, but the relationship he shares with DD is beautiful. He loves her and for all the years we suffered infertility he always said that he was happy with the family set up we had. He has a lovely daughter to dote on.

Might have been vastly different if DDs dad was in the picture though.

@Gardeningcreature

I don't have any stepchildren so it's a moot point and again a ridiculous question.

So adopted children would always perish? Gay couples be expected to sacrifice kids that aren't biologically theirs? It's just utterly bizarre to me that anyone would stoop to ask this.

I would like to echo the PP who talked about different circumstances.

For an older child who has regular contact with their biological father, being kind and caring is enough. They have a dad, they don’t need another one in exactly the same way.

My nephew is my brother’s step son. My brother and SIL got together when he was six (now 13). He has no contact with his biological father and never has. My brother and SIL have another child together. In that set up I think it’s very important for the step dad (my brother) to love his step son like a son.

You can't make someone love anyone ! We were ldr for 2 years then I moved in with my 2 last year.
For me with his 2 ( both non verbal high an) they needed me to provide affection and comfort and patience for 2 - 3 nights of little sleep ( this would be weekends I visited and didn't have my own kids ) at first if I'm honest I cared for them because they were a part of dp, the eldest has such an inspirational story I wanted to give her all the kindness I could anyway at first I just cred for them that has out of somewhere developed into love for them with the same physcotic protection I give my own ! For dp her really struggles with emotions and would always tell them love you too and give cuddles back ect but I would say now he's in the same boat as me and I can see feel and hear his love for them =)

I had minimal contact with my dad and a step father who mainly ignored us. That aspect of my chidhood felt cold and empty , and at times scary. But
So to me a step parent needs to be prepared to be kind and involved, treat the kids like they matter.

I'm a step child on both sides. I don't think it matters whether you have a present bio dad or not, in your home you should be treated equally to the other children. I wouldn't enter into another relationship because of my own experience, although both my parents think we are the perfect blended families Children within a household should be treated equally, it doesn't mean though that the step parent has to love them equally. The real test for the step parent is in the equal treatment.

I think the most important thing is for the parent to be in charge and for the step-parent to respect and support that.

Too often, step-parents, with no parenting experience, expect things to be the other way round. I've seen step-parents trying to make a normal, lovely child into a totally different person, as they try to undo the parenting 'mistakes' that have gone before them.

The biggest red flag would be a SP that wants to be in charge.

Thanks for your replies. My situation is that I have 2 dc who are aged 14 and 10. Been with my dp a few years, but it is a ldr. He doesn't live with us, and I mostly see him without the dc, whilst they are with their biological dad eow. My dp has no dc of his own.

We were planning to move in together, but my eldest got very upset about the thought of being away from his friends and family. So we are continuing a ldr. My dp does drive down here and spend weekends with me and dc once a month or so. He cares about them, seemingly more than their own biological father does. He cares about their behaviour and their school work, where as their bio father takes no interest whatsoever. He set up bedrooms for them at his house, and built my youngest dc a bed. Their bio father never did this, and never would.

He is kind and caring to them, but I know that he gets frustrated with their attitude and behaviour towards me sometimes. He doesn't let on to them though.

I wouldn’t expect a partner to live my ds as much has his own children

But I wouldn’t have a partner live with me who hadn’t bonded and loved my child

Having a partner is not as important as my ds feeling loved and secure

*love