To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

[blubberball]

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

@misspg08

It’s offensive to adopted children and their parents rather than to stepparents.

Why is that offensive? It's specific to the scenario whether it's similar or not. And being offended isn't a golden ticket to silence people.

So it's free game to say step-parents and adoptive parents are similar/the same (a PP literally said they see no difference), yet I don't see people arguing that generally step-parents are no different to bio parents. Funny that. It implies that adoptive parents are somehow not real parents.

Of course there are situations where step-parents become mum or dad, but those are the exceptions not the rule. And that type of step-parent usually goes on to adopt, so of course they are a parent not even a step-parent anymore in those instances.

There are also grandparents, uncles, aunts, siblings that take on the parental role and become mum/dad to that child. Yet still we don't sit here arguing that of course an uncle is no different to being a dad, based on the exceptions that do sometimes happen. Because generally it is really not the case!

Believe it or not, not every time someone finds something offensive they are simply being precious and trying to just shut you up for no reason. Just as it's a free society for people to say what they like, people are also free to take offence to that. Didn't see anyone on this thread advocating for curtailing your free speech!

@Choppingonions

Sorry.

Imagine not having a dad and living with siblings who did have a dad, and he was in your home, but he didn't love you.

We would think this was an awful and damaging situation for a child. Adoption would be preferable for a child.

Adoption would be preferable? Are you joking? What about their actual parent they live with? They're better off without them? Don't be so fucking ridiculous.

@Choppingonions

Nope. It doesn't help with the yearning or the pain of seeing it within touching distance and knowing that somehow you weren't chosen.

Very dramatic. As a step child myself, and the added bonus of a dad who didn't really want me either, I can guarantee you there was no "yearning and pain". My step dad is lovely. He treats me very well and it doesn't cross my mind whether he lives his biological child more because I am greatful for having him as part of my life.

Some kids might yearn for a dad, but fuck me, a kind step parent is absolutely fine a lot of the time. I didn't need someone to pretend to be my dad.

I have a step parent who has adopted that child in my family. I can assure you it wouldn't have worked at all had the child not been parented and committed to by the now adoptive parent especially when new babies were born. A perfectly valid and necessary form of adoption if that family were going to be together. If the absent parent hadn't signed paperwork it would still have had to be an adoption in all but legal name.

18:51Getyourarseofffthequatt

I'm glad that wasn't your experience. As I wasn't trying to suggest it was every child's experience, it proves nothing really but great that you were fine.

It’s not about not being chosen. Ever

You can say that until the cows come home. That's how it feels.

Tbh, I think you just want to blame a stepparent for a parent’s inadequacy here. The problem is not a lack of love from a SP. It’s a shit father

Or mother.

@Choppingonions

18:51Getyourarseofffthequatt

I'm glad that wasn't your experience. As I wasn't trying to suggest it was every child's experience, it proves nothing really but great that you were fine.

It very much sounded like you were trying to suggest that, else why mention it?

Your lived experience and feels doesn't make it true for everyone else.

I'm absolutely side stepping the adoption conversation because I am not remotely qualified to comment but to the original OP.

I think like others it absolutely depends. I do think there is a big impact if the step parent and the parent go onto have another child together. Dp loves my dc and absolutely sees himself in the role of a loving step father however given that I know how viscerally I love my dc (partly the biological connection) I can't genuinely but wonder if that love would seem different if he also jad a biological child.

Because of that and other reasons we actively decided not to have a child together. It would have been supremely unfair to my dc and for us personally (emphasise I am not commenting on others) it would have been a selfish choice for the adults.

Dc have a df who is very much in their lives (he is a bit of a Disney dad but to be fair hard to be anything other when he doesn't have them around school etc weekends only due to distance). Dp is his name but loves them very much. However for us we protected that to a point by not splitting his focus. With his agreement obviously.

So yes he loves them and in our house it qould be essential. I'm not naive enough to think he loved them from day one but he certainly does now.

I do think if we met when they were teens that would be different it's a very different relationship.

Your lived experience and feels doesn't make it true for everyone else.

No. Nor can you say it doesn't happen and unfortunately it does.