To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

[blubberball]

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

I don’t wish to generalise but at the extreme end, all of the horrific child murders which I can recall recently, there Was
a step parent thrown into the toxic mix. That is not to take credit away from the blended families that manage to make a great success of it.

Not realistic to expect love or to think of them like their own kids but as long as they’re tolerant of them and friendly

@Soffit

I don’t wish to generalise but at the extreme end, all of the horrific child murders which I can recall recently, there Was a step parent thrown into the toxic mix. That is not to take credit away from the blended families that manage to make a great success of it.

Are you aware of how offensive your comments are to step parents?

@U2HasTheEdge

For me, yes a partner would need to love my children. I wouldn't say he needs to love them the same way he loves his biological children, but there would have to be love there.

I wouldn't have stayed with my husband if he didn't love my children from my first marriage. He tells me that the love he has for his step-children is the same as the love he has for his biological children (again, it helps that they were so young).

I can't see into his heart, but my children are now young adults and I have never had any reason to question it, and that's good enough for me.

This is so sweet @U2HasTheEdge

I did not wish to offend the optimists but did qualify my comment as applying to the criminal extreme. The statistics do back this up. I don't want to compile lists of names but sadly, it has happened time and time again.

Do I love my step kids? No. Do I care about them, yes. Do I care that they are healthy and happy and are well fed and cared for and treated equally. Yes.

My husband I imagine is the same. But we are an older blended family.

@Soffit
It’s just not relevant to this conversation. There are murderers and serial killers from all kinds of backgrounds, some are step parents and some are not but it’s just such a tiny minority (thankfully).

As an example, if a homosexual man was having an issue with his boyfriend would you remind him that Stephen Port killed his boyfriends?

@blubberball

Thanks for your replies. My situation is that I have 2 dc who are aged 14 and 10. Been with my dp a few years, but it is a ldr. He doesn't live with us, and I mostly see him without the dc, whilst they are with their biological dad eow. My dp has no dc of his own.

We were planning to move in together, but my eldest got very upset about the thought of being away from his friends and family. So we are continuing a ldr. My dp does drive down here and spend weekends with me and dc once a month or so. He cares about them, seemingly more than their own biological father does. He cares about their behaviour and their school work, where as their bio father takes no interest whatsoever. He set up bedrooms for them at his house, and built my youngest dc a bed. Their bio father never did this, and never would.

He is kind and caring to them, but I know that he gets frustrated with their attitude and behaviour towards me sometimes. He doesn't let on to them though.

He's definitely showing them love/care and so far, nothing says otherwise.

The problem some people have is they expect the step - anything to never be upset or annoyed with the children but if you expect him to treat them like his own or simply normal like everybody else, they're bound to annoy each other. It's how he reacts to the annoyance that shows how he feels, not that he can't get reasonably frustrated with their behaviour.

[quote ProfFloss]@Soffit
It’s just not relevant to this conversation. There are murderers and serial killers from all kinds of backgrounds, some are step parents and some are not but it’s just such a tiny minority (thankfully).

As an example, if a homosexual man was having an issue with his boyfriend would you remind him that Stephen Port killed his boyfriends?[/quote]

Yeah, and in those cases the parents were a bit shit to begin with. The new partner is a catalyst for it to escalate. The bio parent fundamentally does not love or care about their child- that's why they allow it to happen or participate in the abuse.

There are millions of kind and loving stepparents but you'd never know unless they told you. There's no way to tell who's a stepparent or not just by looking really.

I always think it’s weird when people claim to love their step kids as much as their own, I have nieces and nephews I don’t even love them anywhere near as much as my own kids. I don’t think a step parent needs to love their step kids being kind and caring for them is enough IMO, and as someone said judging by the step parents board on here most seem to not love their step kids.

FWIW I think we would make it a lot easier for step parents and step children to develop a loving reputation if we minimised the expectation on step parents to act like parents from the get-go.

I think step-parents can undoubtedly come to love their step-children very deeply but it has to move at a pace which is comfortable to the step-parent and the step-child. Depending on the circumstances and the involvement (or not) of the biological parent, the best approach is to take it very very slowly.

You see so many scenarios where people move a new lover in within weeks or months and the step-parent is expected to step into the recently vacated role of the father and the children are expected to adapt to having a near stranger living with them. It's very often enormously stressful for all concerned and potentially very unhappy for all concerned.

I don't believe blended families can't work but people need to accept that a relationship has to be left to develop at its own pace (and potentially for it not to develop at all).

@BabyTurtIe

I always think it’s weird when people claim to love their step kids as much as their own, I have nieces and nephews I don’t even love them anywhere near as much as my own kids. I don’t think a step parent needs to love their step kids being kind and caring for them is enough IMO, and as someone said judging by the step parents board on here most seem to not love their step kids.

Why is it weird?

I don't think it is weird that my husband loves his step-children as much as 'his own'. He has lived with them since they were little.

I don't love my nieces and nephews as much as I love my own either, but if I was living with them and taking an active parenting-like role, I might grow to. The comparsion doesn't really work.

I don't think a step-parent needs to love their step-children as much as they love their biological children. If they do though, I would hardly call that weird. I think it's lovely. Every situation and the people involved are different.

All that matters is my child feels loved, safe, and wanted, whether the step parent actually loves them or not.

I think it totally depends on the age of the child, whether both parents are present, how much time is spent with them, presence or absence of siblings and lots of other things.

My stepson is a teenager, we see him every other weekend and he lives with his mum who is brilliant and has a fantastic relationship with him. I can’t in all honesty say I love him in the same way that I love my own son. I’ve only known him for a few years and I’ve never been in the role of parent as his own parents do that job perfectly well themselves. However I am hugely fond of him and care very deeply about his happiness and wellbeing. I treat him as equally important to my son as much as I possibly can.

So I think it’s ok not to love them exactly. It’s how you treat them that counts rather than how you feel (although obviously the latter will influence the former).

I think it would be very very rare for a stepfather or stepmother to truly love their stepchild. We’re just not biologically primed to love other people’s kids like we do our own.

I find it weird because I could never imagine loving anyone else’s child as much as my own, In fact I know I wouldn’t. It’s weird for me as in I don’t understand it and do find it odd.

@PinkSyCo

I think it would be very very rare for a stepfather or stepmother to truly love their stepchild. We’re just not biologically primed to love other people’s kids like we do our own.

Yes basically this, it’s odd to me as I don’t think it’s normal to love someone else’s child as much as your own, love them sure, but as much as your own, no I don’t get that.

@BabyTurtIe

I find it weird because I could never imagine loving anyone else’s child as much as my own, In fact I know I wouldn’t. It’s weird for me as in I don’t understand it and do find it odd.

I mean why not? People love their adopted children as much as their bio ones (if they have them), it's no different. You don't have to be related to a child.

If you raise a stepchild from young they are pretty much your child, you knew them before your other biological children in some cases, so🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe you couldn't but it's not really an odd thing.

I did not love my stepchildren. They’re extremely challenging - and that’s their parents’ fault.

I never stood a chance because of the situation. And I really tried. Their own father struggles to love them. He describes them as ‘a mistake’ and ‘an obligation’. Obligation is the main way he sees his relationship with them. He admits that he is not close to them and even that he feels almost repulsed by them. He compensated for this by parenting entirely out of guilt, which was really not good.

As far as I can tell, their mother sees them pretty much as a means to an end. He eldest was her way if securing a meal ticket. She didn’t want to have the youngest and it appears that she doesn’t love him. There are obvious attachment issues there that are difficult to deal with.

Basically these are parents who fight over the kids but they’re fighting to be the one that doesn’t have to spend time with them or do anything. Their mother would drag really poorly children out of bed to deposit them at their dad’s - even where the kids made it clear they absolutely wanted to stay at home in bed. And the next morning their father would drag them back. It wasn’t that the mother had work (she does not work) or was struggling to find time for herself (two school aged children). Neither of their parents wanted to look after them.

Given that, I was merely a well meaning fool who blundered into a situation beyond my comprehension. After all, you start from the assumption that children’s own parents adore them. Obviously. No one assumes a parent would say they struggle to bring themselves to touch the children as they are a bit repulsed by them. Especially the poor youngest. The whole thing was a bit like boiling a frog. I didn’t realise his terrible it all was, and how unloveable the situation made the children, until it was a complete nightmare. The whole thing nearly broke me.

Their parents manage to meet the superficial needs of the children (fed, clothed, clean etc). But the children are extremely challenging because of the utterly fucked up emotional dynamic that’s been their entire lives.

No step parent is going to love those children. The children wouldn’t know what to do if they were properly loved. And I am so much better off out of there.

My ex is angry though because he’s lost his free nanny and housekeeper and has to look after them when he has “access”.

@AntithesisOfThis

I did not love my stepchildren. They’re extremely challenging - and that’s their parents’ fault.

I never stood a chance because of the situation. And I really tried. Their own father struggles to love them. He describes them as ‘a mistake’ and ‘an obligation’. Obligation is the main way he sees his relationship with them. He admits that he is not close to them and even that he feels almost repulsed by them. He compensated for this by parenting entirely out of guilt, which was really not good.

As far as I can tell, their mother sees them pretty much as a means to an end. He eldest was her way if securing a meal ticket. She didn’t want to have the youngest and it appears that she doesn’t love him. There are obvious attachment issues there that are difficult to deal with.

Basically these are parents who fight over the kids but they’re fighting to be the one that doesn’t have to spend time with them or do anything. Their mother would drag really poorly children out of bed to deposit them at their dad’s - even where the kids made it clear they absolutely wanted to stay at home in bed. And the next morning their father would drag them back. It wasn’t that the mother had work (she does not work) or was struggling to find time for herself (two school aged children). Neither of their parents wanted to look after them.

Given that, I was merely a well meaning fool who blundered into a situation beyond my comprehension. After all, you start from the assumption that children’s own parents adore them. Obviously. No one assumes a parent would say they struggle to bring themselves to touch the children as they are a bit repulsed by them. Especially the poor youngest. The whole thing was a bit like boiling a frog. I didn’t realise his terrible it all was, and how unloveable the situation made the children, until it was a complete nightmare. The whole thing nearly broke me.

Their parents manage to meet the superficial needs of the children (fed, clothed, clean etc). But the children are extremely challenging because of the utterly fucked up emotional dynamic that’s been their entire lives.

No step parent is going to love those children. The children wouldn’t know what to do if they were properly loved. And I am so much better off out of there.

My ex is angry though because he’s lost his free nanny and housekeeper and has to look after them when he has “access”.

What horrible people, those poor children, disgusting

@Willyoujustbequiet

Yes for me. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man not capable of loving my children as his own. It's a deal breaker.

For those saying no because they arent biologically his I hope you never adopt.

Adopting and step parenting are two entirely different things. It's actually a little bit offensive to compare the two

@AntithesisOfThis

I did not love my stepchildren. They’re extremely challenging - and that’s their parents’ fault.

I never stood a chance because of the situation. And I really tried. Their own father struggles to love them. He describes them as ‘a mistake’ and ‘an obligation’. Obligation is the main way he sees his relationship with them. He admits that he is not close to them and even that he feels almost repulsed by them. He compensated for this by parenting entirely out of guilt, which was really not good.

As far as I can tell, their mother sees them pretty much as a means to an end. He eldest was her way if securing a meal ticket. She didn’t want to have the youngest and it appears that she doesn’t love him. There are obvious attachment issues there that are difficult to deal with.

Basically these are parents who fight over the kids but they’re fighting to be the one that doesn’t have to spend time with them or do anything. Their mother would drag really poorly children out of bed to deposit them at their dad’s - even where the kids made it clear they absolutely wanted to stay at home in bed. And the next morning their father would drag them back. It wasn’t that the mother had work (she does not work) or was struggling to find time for herself (two school aged children). Neither of their parents wanted to look after them.

Given that, I was merely a well meaning fool who blundered into a situation beyond my comprehension. After all, you start from the assumption that children’s own parents adore them. Obviously. No one assumes a parent would say they struggle to bring themselves to touch the children as they are a bit repulsed by them. Especially the poor youngest. The whole thing was a bit like boiling a frog. I didn’t realise his terrible it all was, and how unloveable the situation made the children, until it was a complete nightmare. The whole thing nearly broke me.

Their parents manage to meet the superficial needs of the children (fed, clothed, clean etc). But the children are extremely challenging because of the utterly fucked up emotional dynamic that’s been their entire lives.

No step parent is going to love those children. The children wouldn’t know what to do if they were properly loved. And I am so much better off out of there.

My ex is angry though because he’s lost his free nanny and housekeeper and has to look after them when he has “access”.

That is so upsetting and heartbreaking.

I should say that I spent a lot of that time blaming myself. I felt utterly dreadful that I found the children so challenging. Unlikeable never mind questions of love. I developed serious mental health problems based in thinking that I was evil and broken because I couldn’t feel anything but negative about the children.

But the distance that comes with getting divorced (plus the revelations that came from hearing my ex describe his children in arguments) and a lot of counselling has really helped me to see that I wasn’t the problem. I went into it warm and kind and helpful. But the toxicity of the situation was such that no one could thrive.

• I mean why not? People love their adopted children as much as their bio ones (if they have them), it's no different. You don't have to be related to a child.

If you raise a stepchild from young they are pretty much your child, you knew them before your other biological children in some cases, so🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe you couldn't but it's not really an odd thing.*

It’s been said on here not to compare adopted children to step children so I can’t comment on that however adoption wouldn’t be for me either. I do find it odd as I don’t think humans are programmed to love other children as much as their own and in all honesty when relationships end step parents don’t usually see that child again so I very much doubt they love them like their own children.

I did not love my stepchildren. They’re extremely challenging - and that’s their parents’ fault.

I never stood a chance because of the situation. And I really tried. Their own father struggles to love them. He describes them as ‘a mistake’ and ‘an obligation’. Obligation is the main way he sees his relationship with them. He admits that he is not close to them and even that he feels almost repulsed by them. He compensated for this by parenting entirely out of guilt, which was really not good.

As far as I can tell, their mother sees them pretty much as a means to an end. He eldest was her way if securing a meal ticket. She didn’t want to have the youngest and it appears that she doesn’t love him. There are obvious attachment issues there that are difficult to deal with.

Basically these are parents who fight over the kids but they’re fighting to be the one that doesn’t have to spend time with them or do anything. Their mother would drag really poorly children out of bed to deposit them at their dad’s - even where the kids made it clear they absolutely wanted to stay at home in bed. And the next morning their father would drag them back. It wasn’t that the mother had work (she does not work) or was struggling to find time for herself (two school aged children). Neither of their parents wanted to look after them.

Given that, I was merely a well meaning fool who blundered into a situation beyond my comprehension. After all, you start from the assumption that children’s own parents adore them. Obviously. No one assumes a parent would say they struggle to bring themselves to touch the children as they are a bit repulsed by them. Especially the poor youngest. The whole thing was a bit like boiling a frog. I didn’t realise his terrible it all was, and how unloveable the situation made the children, until it was a complete nightmare. The whole thing nearly broke me.

Their parents manage to meet the superficial needs of the children (fed, clothed, clean etc). But the children are extremely challenging because of the utterly fucked up emotional dynamic that’s been their entire lives.
No step parent is going to love those children. The children wouldn’t know what to do if they were properly loved. And I am so much better off out of there.

My ex is angry though because he’s lost his free nanny and housekeeper and has to look after them when he has “access”.

How sad. Nice man you picked there.