To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

[blubberball]

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

The reason I don't love my step child in the same way as my own child is likely down to the age I met him, and his mother's behaviour. It was incredibly hard to gain his trust because of his mother's actions, and when I did the poor kid was continuously torn trying to be loyal to his mum but also wanting to be involved with me and his dad and brother. I didn't want to step on anyone toes so held back somewhat. I believe you can love a child like your own, and I'm sure if I adopted a baby I would love them the same as ds, but there wouldn't be another parent involved who hated me so it would be completely different. They would for all intents and purposes be my child, dss is not.

@BabyTurtIe

* I mean why not? People love their adopted children as much as their bio ones (if they have them), it's no different. You don't have to be related to a child.

If you raise a stepchild from young they are pretty much your child, you knew them before your other biological children in some cases, so🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe you couldn't but it's not really an odd thing.*

It’s been said on here not to compare adopted children to step children so I can’t comment on that however adoption wouldn’t be for me either. I do find it odd as I don’t think humans are programmed to love other children as much as their own and in all honesty when relationships end step parents don’t usually see that child again so I very much doubt they love them like their own children.

It's no different to adopting a child and a minority of stepparents do go on to adopt their kids. I'm not sure who is so offended by that, but it's definitely the same in theory. It's loving a child you aren't related to biologically who you raised, possibly from a young age. I definitely don't think that's odd even if you couldn't personally

It's entirely different @thispooshallpass especially if they have two living parents

Bit victim Blamey @PinkSyCo

Adopting and step parenting are two entirely different things. It's actually a little bit offensive to compare the two

Why? Stepparents aren't real even if they're there from a young age and a child's only father figure for example? I think that could equally be dismissive and offensive to people who spent years raising a child just because it's not down on paper, doesn't make them less of a parent.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

It's entirely different *@thispooshallpass* especially if they have two living parents

Mine doesn't have an involved bio father, stepparent is their parent. It's not hard to use critical thinking, there's different scenarios.

Of close dating the parent of a teen with a mother is different, it's kinda obvious aint it.

It’s been said more than once to not compare it and it’s offensive so I don’t really want to comment on that as I haven’t adopted and I’m not a step parent so I will respect people saying it’s not the same.

@thispooshallpass

Adopting and step parenting are two entirely different things. It's actually a little bit offensive to compare the two

Why? Stepparents aren't real even if they're there from a young age and a child's only father figure for example? I think that could equally be dismissive and offensive to people who spent years raising a child just because it's not down on paper, doesn't make them less of a parent.

When you adopt you become a parent. There are no other parents (except your partner/spouse where applicable). With everything that entails.

That’s not what happens when you marry someone with children.

My step-dad loves me. My step-mum definitely does not! I think, like much in life, it varies on the person not on the role.

Bit victim Blamey @PinkSyCo**

How? I’m not blaming the kids am I?

@thispooshallpass

Adopting and step parenting are two entirely different things. It's actually a little bit offensive to compare the two

Why? Stepparents aren't real even if they're there from a young age and a child's only father figure for example? I think that could equally be dismissive and offensive to people who spent years raising a child just because it's not down on paper, doesn't make them less of a parent.

Step parents aren't real? What?

I'm not saying they're less of a parent, many step parents do more parenting than the parent themselves, but it's not the same as adopting, is it? Unless you actually do adopt, and the bio parent is not on the scene. But it's still different than adopting a child unrelated to both you and your partner. Of course it is. it's weird to pretend it's not.

@PinkSyCo

Bit victim Blamey @PinkSyCo**

How? I’m not blaming the kids am I?

No you're blaming the op for "picking" this arsehole as if she did that on purpose full well knowing what a shit dad he was

@PinkSyCo

Bit victim Blamey @PinkSyCo**

How? I’m not blaming the kids am I?

I did think that too

@thispooshallpass there is no need to be rude. Presumably your other half has adopted your child then?

A step parent might do a lot of parenting, and for all intents and purposes take on the role of a parent, but it's not the same as adopting a child.

No you're blaming the op for "picking" this arsehole as if she did that on purpose full well knowing what a shit dad he was confused

Ok let’s get this straight. The kids are the only victims in this mess. They are victims due to their Godawful parents, not because of their stepmother. I cannot understand why their stepmother could stand to be with someone who was so cruel to his kids though, and if I want to mention that I will.

@PinkSyCo

No you're blaming the op for "picking" this arsehole as if she did that on purpose full well knowing what a shit dad he was confused

Ok let’s get this straight. The kids are the only victims in this mess. They are victims due to their Godawful parents, not because of their stepmother. I cannot understand why their stepmother could stand to be with someone who was so cruel to his kids though, and if I want to mention that I will.

Totally agree. Even the step mother spoke horribly about them in her post, she is not the victim, the children are!

I have a step parent, who sacrificed a lot for me and treats me/ loves me exactly the same as their own children.

If it had been any different for me growing up I think that would have been hard for me. Feelings of abandonment/ being the "odd one out" in a blended family are always there in step children anyway, and if a step parent reinforces that they are not quite seem as part of the family etc., it must be very difficult.

You can't force love... but if I was with someone who didn't eventually love my children... that would be hard.

@PinkSyCo

No you're blaming the op for "picking" this arsehole as if she did that on purpose full well knowing what a shit dad he was confused

Ok let’s get this straight. The kids are the only victims in this mess. They are victims due to their Godawful parents, not because of their stepmother. I cannot understand why their stepmother could stand to be with someone who was so cruel to his kids though, and if I want to mention that I will.

So you're happy to victim blame then basically, nice. Clearly you've never been in an abusive relationship, which it sounds to me like it was. Perhaps you lack understanding or empathy but why bother posting that, you might want to but you're making yourself look not very nice.

PinkSyCo
Bit victim Blamey @PinkSyCo

How? I’m not blaming the kids am I?
I did think that too

Sorry you’ve lost me. What did you think?

I think that having similar parenting styles is the key to loving them over just caring for them.

My ex had 2 kids, similar age than mine and we had very similar a parenting styles so blending the family was so easy. Things didn’t work out at the end with the dad but I can tell you, I loved his children as if they were mine, I cried for months for the children after we ended it and even years later, every time I bump with the kids I feel some strange kind of happiness that leaves me smiling for the end of the day.

My current partner is wonderful but a total and absolute Disney dad as is his ex. The children are the most rude, selfish, ungrateful entitled kids I have met in my life. They behave relatively well with me, but I do resent a lot how they talk to him, I do resent them when they are aggressive and even violent towards him (they are teens BTW). I care that they are ok, but the nastier they are the less that I care. Love them? How? just how?

@Marmelace nobody said the children weren't victims. Perhaps you misread my post?

BTW she didn't just speak horribly about, she wrote them off completely!

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@thispooshallpass there is no need to be rude. Presumably your other half has adopted your child then?

A step parent might do a lot of parenting, and for all intents and purposes take on the role of a parent, but it's not the same as adopting a child.[/quote]
Honestly, it doesn't matter if you legally adopt a child or not. That is a piece of paper.

My step parent never legally adopted me as I had a real parent also in the picture of the same gender.

In my eyes, my step parent and real parent are on exactly the same level - I feel no less about the step parent. It doesn't matter whether I was legally "adopted" or not.

@Marmelace

BTW she didn't just speak horribly about, she wrote them off completely!

You've completely and utterly missed the point, haven't you?

@cookiemonster2468 I understand that, I too have a step parent whom may as well be my real parent and i am also not adopted. What I'm saying is marrying someone with a child is not the same as going through the process of adopting a child unrelated to both parents.