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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

236 replies

blubberball · 03/03/2022 21:01

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

OP posts:
stillavid · 03/03/2022 21:04

I think a lot of blended families would work better if there wasn't an expectation for step parents to love their step children as much as they love their own biological children.

Being caring and kind should be enough.

I am not a step parent but was a step child and never expected my step father to feel the same way about me as my mother did. We still have a nice relationship post their divorce 15 years ago.

WTF475878237NC · 03/03/2022 21:05

I would say it depends. If this child is an infant now and will only ever know this person as Daddy then it matters so much more than an 8 year old who also sees their Dad and gets love and affirmation from him so just needs a kind step father.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2022 21:05

Cares about them is fine.

Original poster
blubberball · 03/03/2022 21:06

Thanks

OP posts:
EnoughOf · 03/03/2022 21:08

You can't force love, but he must be kind to them.

Grinling · 03/03/2022 21:10

I agree it’s age-dependent, and also on whether they have both parents actively in their lives (hence don’t need, say, a ‘father-figure’). One of the most successful set-ups I know involves a much younger second wife who makes no pretence at parenting teenagers, but has a good relationship with them.

istandwithukraine · 03/03/2022 21:11

I'd have a read of the step parenting boards - I'd say a good 70% of posters don't even really care for their step children and it's generally supported on MN that it's perfectly acceptable to feel this way.....so given that - I'd say it would be perfectly acceptable for it to work the other way and a step father not particularly love his children either

Brandyb · 03/03/2022 21:15

It was blindingly obvious and expressed that my DP's step dad only cared for him, while he loved, cherished and adored his biological daughter, my DP's younger sister. Even tho my DP was only 2 when the new family came together. It's a kind of toxic proprietarial masculinity when I'll never forgive, as my DP bears the scars.
However, I guess caring about is still better than the alternatives.

Hankunamatata · 03/03/2022 21:20

Depends on a few things:
How old child is.
If they have more bio children with their partner and age gap.

cherryonthecakes · 03/03/2022 22:04

It depends imo

If I had a partner then I wouldn't expect him to love my children especially as they have a dad in their life.

I'd expect them to care at least as much as my kids teachers care about my kids and be able to handle the fact that their existence will limit and affect them as partner. For example I can't just go away for weekends to have fun as my money has to go on my kids and paying for a house big enough for us.

JellybabyGina87 · 03/03/2022 22:10

Needs to love them. And he does. He's been in their lives since the youngest was 7 months old and to them he is their dad in every way but blood. We also have a child together and it wouldn't be right that he'd love that one and not the others when he's brought them up from a baby too. I think it's different if you meet while your kids are teenagers and not moved in together but living together as a family, love is important.

optimistic40 · 03/03/2022 22:12

Hmmmm. I wouldn't expect a partner / husband / wife to love them in the same way as a biological parent but as long as their caring shows in their actions that is the main thing.

My answer is the same thinking about my kids' relationship with my boyfriend and the relationship my daughter has with her dad's partner.

Lunalicious · 03/03/2022 22:31

My DH loves all my 4 kids. 2 are his and 2 aren't. He treats them all the same... does he love them all equally deep down? I will never really know, but the kids all feel they are loved and treated equally and that is what matters.

CadvanTheBard · 03/03/2022 22:31

No but I would expect him to make an effort to get to know them and develop a relationship with them.

I honestly don't think blending families work unless you can go all in. That doesn't mean he has to love them but the relationship needs to be able to withstand normal dc irritations and him being able to voice those irritations - like say a dcs job was to wash up but they 'forgot', the step parent would have enough of a good relationship to tell the dc to do it without there being resentment from any of the involved people in that dynamic. That only comes with a good relationship.

So yes not love but he would have to be able to show my dc enough unconditional positive regard (that's not saying he can't get annoyed like a parent would, its a theoretical model of practice).

I have been an unmarried step parent and a married one. It's very hard, the first unmarried step parent relationship worked well dc and step dc wise. Two partners on the same page around values of child rearing, parent actually parented but I was involved, included and we felt much more of a family than what I did as a married step parent because of that.

Some people will say they find disengaging works for them, it didn't work for me. I needed the mum place in the family. Not being their mum, but the mum place if that makes sense. It might sound a bit strange but I did the wife work, the planning days out, films to watch, shared finances so bought his dc (my dcs siblings) clothes when I bought my two, took sdc out when doing trips to the park ect with my friends, I really did see them as my family too. Although I'm not with dcs dad anymore they still come over to see my dc sometimes and they're happy to see me.

With my stb ex husband (roll on April 6th) I was shut out. His son was placed above my dc. It wasn't shared parenting. Some people may like that but I didn't. I didnt want a seperate life and seperate holidays and seperate rules. To me, being a family means being all in. But I do understand others don't feel that way. I wanted my stb x to be all in with my dc. I wanted him to like them as they liked him. He didn't. He was so caught up in his ex drama and his dc drama he couldn't see anything else apart from his dad guilt.

peachgreen · 03/03/2022 22:36

I don't know that I could be in a relationship with someone if they didn't feel they would ever be able to love my child. Not necessarily in the same was as they might love their own child (although I believe it's possible), but at least to some degree. After all, loving our family doesn't stop us from loving our friends.

Those feelings may change as she gets older but for now, I would want them to grow to love her and if they didn't I would have some serious thinking to do. And I definitely wouldn't have more children with them.

ComeOnSpringtime · 03/03/2022 22:47

I was coming to say of course but I see you wrote 'caring about them' separately. So that stopped me a bit in my tracks.

Caring about someone and being kind and compassionate to then IS love but I know when we say "love", we really/also mean the sentimental attachment (and often) co-dependence we have in our relationships because they're family or close friends or people we've known for a long time.

If your partner cares about them, their happiness, is kind and understanding and just simply treats them with respect and like they/their needs matter (because they do), that's all that's needed, whether you call it love or not. The sentimental attachment part of it comes with time after they've been in each other's lives for a long time, know and care about each other.

You can't be that emotionally attached to someone you haven't known for long or don't have some sort of physical intimacy with. It will be more a conscious effort at first before it becomes automatic.

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 02:25

I have a stepmum and stepdad and when i lived with either of my parents i was treated like an inconvenience in the marriages, Both my step parents have kids, in the end my father chose them over me and my brothers and my mother hasn't spoken to us in years. My point here is that it all depends on the parents themselves, there's no rules, obviously i think yes step parents can love step kids just as much as their own i just think its unlikely

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 02:27

as for caring for them, I think they'd care for step kids just as much as their own, well if they truly love their partners anyway

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 02:33

I think my stepmum actually resented me, she stole my father away from me and my brothers to give her younger kids a dad so yes as i said i think it depends on their intentions and what kind of people they are

StopStartStop · 04/03/2022 02:46

Further, I would ask, if you have children why are you insisting they live with an unrelated adult? Couldn't you keep your sex life out of your children's homes and lives? There is no need for any 'partner' to love your children, or to know them at all.

Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 03:22

I just think it depends on the specific relationship etc. If DH didn’t love my older two children our relationship wouldn’t work. But for me that’s part and parcel of dating with me having children previously. If he had not wanted to play that role then we would not have ended up together to maybe would have dated casually rather than marrying and having more children together.

RainbowMum11 · 04/03/2022 03:26

Further, I would ask, if you have children why are you insisting they live with an unrelated adult? Couldn't you keep your sex life out of your children's homes and lives? There is no need for any 'partner' to love your children, or to know them at all.

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say!
So your relationship breaks down with the other parent of your child, you shouldn't enter another long term relationship, ever?

That just ludicrous.

Pyewhacket · 04/03/2022 04:52

I had a step father for a few years. He was OK but he kept his distance being much more hands on with his daughter, my step sister. I got on really well with my step sister, and still enjoy a close relationship. My relationship with my mother is another story. At the age of 14 I came back to the UK to live with my grandparents. That was the first time in my life I experienced the love and warmth of close family. They were amazing , beyond words. I miss them dreadfully and proof that blood is definitely thicker than water.

Simonjt · 04/03/2022 05:22

@RainbowMum11

Further, I would ask, if you have children why are you insisting they live with an unrelated adult? Couldn't you keep your sex life out of your children's homes and lives? There is no need for any 'partner' to love your children, or to know them at all.

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say!
So your relationship breaks down with the other parent of your child, you shouldn't enter another long term relationship, ever?

That just ludicrous.

They’re batshit, in a now deleted thread they told me I would abuse my children as apparently I’m not related to them.
Willyoujustbequiet · 04/03/2022 05:41

Yes for me. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man not capable of loving my children as his own. It's a deal breaker.

For those saying no because they arent biologically his I hope you never adopt.