Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask does your partner need to love your kids, if he's not their biological father?

236 replies

blubberball · 03/03/2022 21:01

Or is it enough that he just cares about them, but doesn't love them?

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 04/03/2022 08:07

He gets frustrated after spending one weekend a month with your children

Isn’t that your answer

tootiredtospeak · 04/03/2022 08:15

They are teenagers and if he was their bio dad he might still get fed up with their attitude towards himself and you. All sounds normal to me. It does sound like you already have a good set up why rock the boat. I wouldn't in your shoes.

Phlewf · 04/03/2022 08:23

I had my answer when dc was having some teenage friendship issues. I was taking a line of while it was unfair and not right you can’t make people behave well, all you can do is manage your actions as a result. Dh wanted to call the parents, the school and the police and was furious with me for not defending him well enough. He calmed down and accepted it was a protective response to seeing dc hurt. Same as with his biological child. He doesn’t get called dad but he is invested in this kid as I am. I couldn’t be in this relationship otherwise.

Sarahcoggles · 04/03/2022 08:25

It depends entirely on the individual situation.

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years, but we don’t live together. My kids were 10 and 6 when we met. DP stays over one night a week, and we all go on holidays together, so he knows my kids well and they like each other. He cares about them but I would never expect him to love them.

However, if I had met a partner when I had a baby, and we lived together, that would be different. I think anyone who lives with a baby should get to love that baby. I’m sure that’s a biological instinct, if you’re living with a child from such a young age. I would worry if a step parent didn’t develop a loving bond in that situation.

lunar1 · 04/03/2022 08:30

Why would you be the one moving when you have children in schools?

Erinyes · 04/03/2022 09:00

@lunar1

Why would you be the one moving when you have children in schools?
Yes, that struck me, too. Why wasn’t your partner moving to live with you, OP? Why would you uproot two children’s lives needlessly?
Onlywomengivebirth · 04/03/2022 09:04

@HRTQueen

He gets frustrated after spending one weekend a month with your children

Isn’t that your answer

No. He gets frustrated at their behaviour towards their mother. We all know how teens and pre teens can behave. Maybe he loves her and doesn’t like seeing the kids take her for granted…be rude to her, etc.
Nomoreusernames1244 · 04/03/2022 09:10

so given that - I'd say it would be perfectly acceptable for it to work the other way and a step father not particularly love his children either

Big difference is when a step parent lives with a child. It’s is very hard to build and maintain a parenting relationship from scratch when you see a child a couple of days a fortnight. If you live with the child, are involved in their daily routine, it’s a different relationship.

My brother used to take his kids to school every day, do bath time, read them a story every night. Take them to their swimming clubs, karate classes, walk the dog with them.

Now their step dad does all that because he lives there. They don’t remember their dad doing that, he sees them a lot and they have a good relationship, but it’s not the same as living with a parent, and their relationship has definitely suffered.

A step parent living with children that relationship can grow and boundaries can be set. A step parent who sees the kids once a week not so much, especially if that step parent is female and if they do take more of a parenting role often gets slammed for not being their mother etc…

ukborn · 04/03/2022 09:11

I'm a step mum and I'm very fond of my stepkids, who were 11 and 13 when I met them. But I certainly do not love them like I love my own children. They lived with us so it was a tricky time with teens and two babies, but I always supported and cared for them, and they were always respectful to me. But I have to say I was surprised when one of them introduced me (at his wedding) as his stepmother. I always thought they just called me their father's wife.
So no, there's a hope the step parent will have some emotional ties, but love may not be there, as long as they are caring, supportive and kind, that's enough.

CharSiu · 04/03/2022 10:00

Of course your dc are upset at the thought of moving away from their family and friends.

He should be moving down to where you live.

HRTQueen · 04/03/2022 12:00

Sorry misread that he gets frustrated over their attitude towards you.

Still why are you moving

Caring shouldn’t be enough to completely changing your children’s life he should have a good solid relationship with them before considering moving

Why not keep things as they are or he moves

StopStartStop · 04/03/2022 12:57

Just stop doing it. Calling me 'batshit' doesn't alter the fact that 'mothers boyfriends/stepfathers' are statistically most likely to harm children.

georgarina · 04/03/2022 13:03

If they are young, yes they would need to love them. And there could be no favouritism between step children and biological children.

Original poster
blubberball · 04/03/2022 14:01

We're not moving, we're staying where we are. We were going to move because honestly, it's a much nicer area where he lives and I love it up there. He's bought a nice detached place, where as we rent a small house in an area I don't like. That's absolutely not happening now, and we're just keeping our ldr as things are until the dc are grown.

OP posts:
nearlyspringyay · 04/03/2022 14:03

No imo. They can care deeply for them but it won't be the same as the love for your own kids (IMO) unless they have been involved from very early on.

Choppingonions · 04/03/2022 14:05

Not if the child who isn't his has no father. Nobody's fault but that would be torture.

Doratheexploret · 04/03/2022 14:06

I’ve been a step mum for 27 years. I love my step daughter. We haven’t always had the best relationship but I do love her, care about her and feel as protective of her as I do my other kids.

Simonjt · 04/03/2022 16:49

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@Gardeningcreature

I don't have any stepchildren so it's a moot point and again a ridiculous question.

So adopted children would always perish? Gay couples be expected to sacrifice kids that aren't biologically theirs? It's just utterly bizarre to me that anyone would stoop to ask this.Confused[/quote]
You’d be suprised how many stupid people think adopted children aren’t your own, but just some random kids you’re babysitting.

ComeOnSpringtime · 04/03/2022 23:58

I can and have 'loved' other people's young kids as my own. Friends', family, strangers.

The emotional connection at first will be different because you've known your child longer (but it will catch up) but in terms of how you treat them and care for/about them? No difference.

I've always felt sad for children whose step parents, step grandparents, etc treat so obviously different from the biological ones, and sadder for children whose parents let that happen. It just doesn't make sense.

I agree with pp who said it's a deal breaker if someone doesn't have the capacity to do that.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/03/2022 00:01

If they are going to live with you, they need to love the dc.

If you are going to live separately then not so much.

Marty13 · 05/03/2022 01:16

Interesting to see the range of responses there.
I have two boys (3 and almost 2). I'm single and if I were to meet a partner I wouldn't expect them to love my kids. Though to be fair I also wouldn't expect, or indeed want them to take on a parenting role. Maybe more like an uncle, due some respect as an adult and able to set rules in the house if necessary, but not a father. Because he's not their father and if our relationship broke down they might never see him again so it's hardly fair to either the boys or the partner. You also can't force feelings. I'd expect him to be kind and caring and to take some interest in them but definitely wouldn't expect him to treat them as if they were his.

And people who compare this to adoption are getting it wrong. When you adopt you commit to a child and take on the responsibility to be this child's dad. It's a whole process that takes usually years and where you commit from the start towards the goal of building a family with a child. That's entirely different to having a relationship with some kids just because they're your partner's. When a guy hooks up with a gal it's all about their relationship (and kids have to fit around it, or try to), whereas adoption is all about each parent's relationship with the child.

Marty13 · 05/03/2022 01:18

For what it's worth OP I do think that cohabitation is hard in general, more so with blended families, and considering your kids are already almost grown it's probably kinder to your relationship to wait.

I'm not interested in a relationship right now but even if I was I'd strongly advocate that we each have our own place (and even more so if the partner also has kids).

Marty13 · 05/03/2022 01:21

And I'll add - though I'll probably get hanged, drawn and quartered for this - that I wouldn't love stepkids the same as my own children and I certainly wouldn't try to parent them beyond the minimum required to cohabit, if I ever were in this situation. Therein lies the path to madness and unhappiness, and I'll steer well clear.

Gardeningcreature · 05/03/2022 06:27

The whole point of this thread is the question do you have to love someone else's child or is it good enough to like them and treat them with respect and kindness.

Some posters are failing to see the difference.
Teachers treat your kid with kindness and respect but you would be all kinds of weird if you seriously expected them to love your child as much as they live their own family.
Nobody knows how much, or little, another person really loves anybody in this situation. Sure you can tell if someone is calling your child a fucking cunt and trying to hit them it's a reasonable assumption to think that they don't care much for the child, but you a really don't know the level to which someone loves them.
It's not a crime to love your own child more than any one of anything else.
It's also expected that if you adopt a child you absolutely should love that child as much as you would your biological child. Interestingly I know of couples who have been rejected from adopting because they would not categorically stop trying for their own biological child. This highlights that professionals believe they would perhaps be inclined to favour their biological child over the adopted one.
Anyhow I think the op is being wise and doing the best thing in her circumstances.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 05/03/2022 06:50

It’s genuinely offensive to adoptive families to drag adoption in as your ‘mic drop’ argument about a completely different situation: stepfamilies. Just blood boilingly offensive.

Two things about step parenting:

  1. How loveable (or even likeable) someone’s children are - especially to a steppparent - depends enormously on their parents’ approach to everything. You’re fucked with a difficult ex and a parent operating out of fear, obligation and guilt about their children. No matter how kind of caring someone is, they’ll always be the handy bad guy. Most of these parents do not acknowledge that they are doing these things, because a stepparent is such a handy scapegoat for all things.
  2. As others have said, it’s very difficult to build a meaningful relationship with other people’d children a few days a month. However much people will insist that ‘it’s their home too’, it isn’t their main home and it makes a huge difference to the relationships they form and their attitude to things.