Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand what's wrong with the word "No"?

248 replies

MoltenLasagne · 03/03/2022 18:28

Last week I was mum-shamed at a baby class for using the word "no". Basically my baby went to snatch off another child and I said "no" and distracted him with something else. Another mother in the group then said she didn't believe in using the word no and looked at me like I'd just handed my baby a tin of coke and a bag of chips.

Sadly my only response to that was "oh" and I've been brewing on it ever since. I can't decide if I'm pissed off or bemused, but mostly I don't understand what on earth is wrong with the word "no" and I'm clearly massively behind on some parenting insights.

Anyway I'm going back to the class tomorrow and this woman is blatantly going to be there so I'd like to understand exactly what I'm missing!
Is there something wrong with the word no?
YABU - I don't use the word no with my kids because (and please explain!)
YANBU - this woman is inventing stuff, it's a totally normal word and you don't need to feel like a dreadful mother.

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 04/03/2022 09:39

@UndertheCedartree and thats your choice and maybe its worked for you nut your child will be told no on life , so if they ask for a biscuit and you don't want to give one do you give in or say how they can't have one as dinner is soon , as the 2nd is basically saying no
Picking up on the word is pointless
As if i say t mine no you can't have a biscuit as tea is soon and you say you can't what odds does it make
Also regardless the other lady has no right to call OP out in publc of what she is saying to her child
There are a lot worse behaved kids around nowadays

worriedatthemoment · 04/03/2022 09:42

@TrippinEdBalls but their kids are not raising their children as they are raised, they are following some trend on instagram or reading a book
Its not bad parenting originally is it , as you could argue they have brought up children who think for themselves and maybe survived being told no

HarlowHenry · 04/03/2022 09:45

At work we try to say something like “stop” instead of “no” when a child hits another child or whatever. Also if they ask to do something that isn’t possible like “can we do baking now” we would say “we can’t at the moment but we can try to do that tomorrow” (or whenever). However this is with other people’s kids and also we do still end up saying no when it’s a situation that is sudden and someone is about to get hurt or something as it’s a natural instinct! My own kids have always heard the word no because they sometimes expect the most ridiculous things.

Lindaloo08 · 04/03/2022 09:47

I wouldn't change my parenting to someone elses style cos they shamed me. Some things said here by pp can be used and sound good but if I was told "i don't believe in the word no" I'd reply that I do. End of.

RedToothBrush · 04/03/2022 09:51

"You don't believe in using the word no. I don't believe in telling other parents how they should parent cos its rude".

No is one of the most useful tools you have. Saying to a child that everything must be explained and discussed teaches the child they can question every decision or thing you tell them not to do because its up for debate. You shouldn't over use it, because when you say no it has to mean NO, this isn't up for debate. Thats the point.

There are definitely a couple of parents i know who are incapable of saying it and suffer from an unwillingness to take that responsibility. The two who are the worst in my sons class are not great kids as a result. One parent now has a kid who decides when he will go to school. He is 6. Its not a behavioural thing. The way the parent has been with various teachers has been outrageous. Demanding the school tell her child when fun things got cancelled due to covid cos she didn't want to deal with his response herself (she actually said this).

RedPinkRose · 04/03/2022 10:00

I remember those types from baby groups. I have always believed that there’s a small window of time to teach a child right from wrong and the more that can be done before age 5, the less problems you’ll have as they grow up. I really wanted my children to have friends, so I disciplined them and that included regular use of the word ‘no.’

Comefromaway · 04/03/2022 10:02

@Susu49

I hope her child grows up to understand consent
Absolutely this.
Giggorata · 04/03/2022 10:05

DS2 said that they are using this approach at the nursery that DG attends. But they are also ringing him up about behaviours at nursery where (normal) people would say no - how they expect behaviours to be addressed at home hours afterwards I can't fathom. Much too remote for a three year old.to make the connection.

Notjustanymum · 04/03/2022 10:07

My response would be “and how is that working for you?” With a huge smile and one eyebrow raised…

Toddlerteaplease · 04/03/2022 10:09

I was having to negotiate with a three year old about him taking his antibiotics. And which sats prior I could use on him. Just wanted the mum to be firm and insist. It was ridiculous.

ladygindiva · 04/03/2022 10:10

@Susu49

I hope her child grows up to understand consent
this. No is a word humans hear often and it is important to understand that it is important that it is observed. People like the woman at your baby group give me the rage.
Hyperion100 · 04/03/2022 10:12

We're you told no as as kid? Did you turn out ok?

Wait until these poor kids get to work!

Knittingnanny2 · 04/03/2022 10:23

It’s nothing to do with the pandemic etc, I’ve been an infant teacher since 1978 until a few years ago. I could always tell which children had never heard the word “ no”.
The main consequence, in my experience, was the inability to share toys, time and space. Also not reacting to “ requests” to immediately stop doing anything dangerous eg climbing a tree in the playground which was out of bounds for safety reasons.
I’m glad my grandchildren have “ no” in their lives as I’d find it exhausting to look after them!

viques · 04/03/2022 10:26

@Susu49

I hope her child grows up to understand consent
That is the perfect response to feather wafting!
OrraBoralis · 04/03/2022 10:33

@MistOverTheDowns

I say NO and I follow it up with No means No.

No-one has yet died but my word is the law. I won't be negotiating with a eight year old. What's more , I think children benefit from knowing someone in their world is in charge.

This, and it is the same with dogs. Someone has to be in charge.
notthemum · 04/03/2022 10:53

When minding, I had parents with twins come for a visit. Whilst I was explaining my policies to them I mentioned that if I said "No" I meant it and I would not change my mind. The dad said excellent, that sounds perfect.
The mum looked at me as if I had two heads, whilst she spluttered a bit. They asked for time to think about it. She asked for a discount and I said no.
Dad said he wanted me to have the children.
Mum turned up the next day and said they wanted me to have them but wanted a discount. I said "No" she said they would look around and left in a huff.
She went home, spoke to her husband and phoned me to say that they were happy for them to start straight away. Would I consider a discount ? (Ffs) I sad no the price was fixed, take it or leave it. The kids started that week.

huuskymam · 04/03/2022 10:56

My eldest is 21, she still hears the word no. Hasn't done her any harm, in college and working part time. Some parents 🙄🙄

youdoyoutoday · 04/03/2022 10:57

I can imagine what an complete little angel her kid is going to be once their school Hmm

youdoyoutoday · 04/03/2022 10:58

*Once they're in school

Oops at my chubby fingers!

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/03/2022 10:59

Utterly ridiculous. Let's see how she feels about "no" when she's got a teen Hmm

RedHelenB · 04/03/2022 11:15

Tbh its downright dangerous not to use the word no. Obviously explanations are vital most of the time but sonetimes no needs to be said and understood.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 04/03/2022 11:32

@RedHelenB

Tbh its downright dangerous not to use the word no. Obviously explanations are vital most of the time but sonetimes no needs to be said and understood.
Yes.

Although with babies and young toddlers explanations are often too confusing. They don’t have the language skills to process anything but the most basic explanations. ‘No! We do not hit people/throw things/whatever else they’re doing that is not ok.’ (with the consequence of being removed from the situation) is a totally reasonable way to approach things.

You actually need your tone to be firm enough that they recognise this is a different kind of communication to normal. Recognising that this is a boundary setting tone is important. Sitting there asking a 15 month old to reflect on their actions and empathise with another child in a soft tone is not going to work.

There used to be a restaurant on my local high street. In my experience it was generally frequented by totally ineffective ‘gentle parents’ whose children were just dreadful in a restaurant. I’m pretty sure it was notorious for it. And equally sure that was a huge factor in its ultimate demise. Who wants to try to eat a lunch surrounded by tables of people whose children are running around the restaurant, climbing all over/under the furniture, shouting, etc while their parents mostly ignore it and occasionally offer an extremely weak ‘Olivia, I love your energy, but it might be better outside. Maybe we could run around the park later.’ in place of actual, effective behaviour management.

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 04/03/2022 12:06

@ShirleyPhallus

I think she’s right, it’s really bad parenting to use any negative words. I’ve banned the word no in my house, and also anything like never, can’t, won’t, don’t.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

It teaches my children to be calm, delicate little possums and i know I’m a better parent than anyone else.

(Ps just joking, that’s nuts!)

You had me worried
bullbyh · 04/03/2022 12:09

When can you start saying no ? At what age ?

Suzi888 · 04/03/2022 12:11

@ShirleyPhallus

I think she’s right, it’s really bad parenting to use any negative words. I’ve banned the word no in my house, and also anything like never, can’t, won’t, don’t.

If I want to distract them from bad behaviour, I gently waft a feather in their direction to redirect their attention.

It teaches my children to be calm, delicate little possums and i know I’m a better parent than anyone else.

(Ps just joking, that’s nuts!)

🤣 I fell for it too
Swipe left for the next trending thread