To not understand what's wrong with the word "No"?

[MoltenLasagne]

Last week I was mum-shamed at a baby class for using the word "no". Basically my baby went to snatch off another child and I said "no" and distracted him with something else. Another mother in the group then said she didn't believe in using the word no and looked at me like I'd just handed my baby a tin of coke and a bag of chips.

Sadly my only response to that was "oh" and I've been brewing on it ever since. I can't decide if I'm pissed off or bemused, but mostly I don't understand what on earth is wrong with the word "no" and I'm clearly massively behind on some parenting insights.

Anyway I'm going back to the class tomorrow and this woman is blatantly going to be there so I'd like to understand exactly what I'm missing!
Is there something wrong with the word no?
YABU - I don't use the word no with my kids because (and please explain!)
YANBU - this woman is inventing stuff, it's a totally normal word and you don't need to feel like a dreadful mother.

My favourite thing is to read/hear people slating modern day, useless parents and their badly behaved kids saying "it wasn't like that in my day, no wonder kids these days are so awful". They never follow this to it's logical conclusion; they're the people who raised the current batch of shit parents so perhaps didn't do a great job of modelling excellent parenting

Just take no notice of any numpty Mothers you come across. You generally find one or two at baby or toddler classes wherever.

My friend's daughter did 'gentle parenting'. She now has an eight year old who completely ignores every word she says. She's in despair.

It's definitely a thing. I encountered these parents on occasion when our DC were babies.

When a parent at one of these baby/toddler classes comes over to tell you that you did something "wrong", it's usually a good indicator that they're a total wanker and that you should avoid them as much as possible.

As a teacher I always get a couple of children who aren’t used to hearing ‘no’ (especially after lockdown). Their behaviour is often selfish, not ‘gentle’ at all! I really don’t think it works.

I'm not sure why you care!!

Firstly, you will face judgement whatever you do as a parent.

Do what works for you, as long as it's legal!

So what if she doesn't say no. You do. It's that simple!

As a parent of 3 now adult children all I can say is good luck to her! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

The word no can be overused and then becomes ineffective because children don't notice it or ignore it. Sometimes other words are better such as stop (in the case of running towards a road).

That fact that it was at baby class says it all really - she'll be saying NO with the rest of us a billion times a day in a year or two

“Computer says ?? “. Oh dear, the poor little circuits will be doing the utmost not to print that word on the screen😂

I use gentle parenting techniques with the children I look after and they definitely hear no from me, there are a lot of misconceptions about what gentle parenting entails - you stlll need to have boundaries and natural consequences and its OK to tell a child that you don't like how they are behaving. .

Oh dear she sounds like a complete twat.

I picked a nursery specifically because they use the word no. No means boundaries. I have a naughty one in my hand but still young and learning and I know he wouldn't shape into a decent civilised human if he doesn't learn boundaries. So next time another parent tries to teach you something about 'gentle parenting', say to them it's your child and this is how you are going to do it and of course wish them good luck for the future when they are dealing with their feral children and teenagers because they have boundary issues.

@KeepYaHeadUp

My favourite thing is to read/hear people slating modern day, useless parents and their badly behaved kids saying "it wasn't like that in my day, no wonder kids these days are so awful". They never follow this to it's logical conclusion; they're the people who raised the current batch of shit parents so perhaps didn't do a great job of modelling excellent parenting

I love it too. I'm always surprised that they can't hear themselves and wince at becoming such stereotypes of moaning old people.

I wish more parents would say 'no'! I work with too many children whose behaviour is appalling because they aren't given any boundaries.

@Underhisi

The word no can be overused and then becomes ineffective because children don't notice it or ignore it. Sometimes other words are better such as stop (in the case of running towards a road).

^This.

No is definitely overused, and less effective as a result. If used sparingly, children understand that they've really crossed a line when they do hear it. If they hear it all the time, it becomes a battle of continuous whining from the child and exasperated responses from parents.

"Can I have x?" "We don't have x, would you like y instead?" Chilldren genuinely respond much better to more positive phraseology. But that doesn't mean you should never say no, that's just ridiculous.

"Practically feral"? Where is this primary school?

I'm a teacher and know lots of teachers in primary and secondary schools. It's common knowledge that behaviour is horrendous at the moment, partly due to the disruption caused by the pandemic. I'm hearing the word 'feral' a lot. Obviously it's a bit of an exaggerated word to use, but the lack of pre-school socialisation for those children now in the first couple of years of primary has had a pretty profound effect. There's lots of screaming in each others' faces at the slightest disagreement, pushing and shoving, meltdowns etc.

All ages are having issues - whole cohorts feel like they're a couple of years behind in terms of maturity. They aren't coping with relating to each other, making it through the school day without endless dramas, or interacting appropriately with staff. Not all of them, obviously, but an unusually high number.

Let's wait til her kids are older and see how well her 'no saying no' policy pans out.

Fuck me. Imagine trying to work with or manage these entitled brats when they start work! Nothing wrong with the word no.

@Fairislefandango

"Practically feral"? Where is this primary school?

I'm a teacher and know lots of teachers in primary and secondary schools. It's common knowledge that behaviour is horrendous at the moment, partly due to the disruption caused by the pandemic. I'm hearing the word 'feral' a lot. Obviously it's a bit of an exaggerated word to use, but the lack of pre-school socialisation for those children now in the first couple of years of primary has had a pretty profound effect. There's lots of screaming in each others' faces at the slightest disagreement, pushing and shoving, meltdowns etc.

All ages are having issues - whole cohorts feel like they're a couple of years behind in terms of maturity. They aren't coping with relating to each other, making it through the school day without endless dramas, or interacting appropriately with staff. Not all of them, obviously, but an unusually high number.

Fair enough. But it's not the fault of current parenting styles, presumably, but the pandemic, closure of EY settings, etc. and parents and kids being stuck at home with no socialisation or support.

I think she picked up the dog training book.

We have it written in some of our risk assessments that tbmhe young person is triggered by saying ' no ' to them.
When doing an initial visit in a family home and talking to a parent why their child is kicking off and hitting them theres been many a time the parent has said ' they dont like me saying ' no ' to them. It turns out they've never said no to them ...until the day they had to and the child couldnt cope or didnt like it.
The amount of hours I've spent unpicking that sentence with parents is unbelievable.
In my experience, and I know it's not going to apply for every single child and someone will pipe up that I'm wrong, and that's fair enough but what I've found us when a child is a toddler and a young child andage appropriate boundaries and consequences aren't in place then it becomes harder to introduce. By the time they are 8, 9, or 10. It is virtually impossible when they are older. This is when the trouble starts. Ok its very simplistic view and theres a lot mire to it than that but in over 30 years of working with teens those that have never explicitly been told ' no' they cant do something, no, they cant have something struggle to cope the day they are told it.
I know everyone is different and gentle parenting works for some but tougher parenting doesn't mean being cruel, unkind, unloving or anything else negative.

@Flatandhappy

Kids who never hear the word no rarely grow into the kind of children you would be proud to have raised.

I didn't say 'no' to my DS as a baby and toddler - I am extremely proud of him and I have had comments of how polite, how kind and how well behaved he is.

My sil is like this with her final child ( not at all with the others) its all only positive phrase and ignore all bad behaviour and never say no to the child
She is now turning in to a very spoilt child and I think their a balance and the child is in for a shock when they go to school and are expected to follow some rules

Some people are just bloody ridiculous.

I know someone who tells their child they are naughty and says no when they do perfectly normal
12 month old things like climbing up onto the sofa (to sit on it, not jump about). That's madness.

A child needs to hear a firm recognisable word to associate with things they shouldn't be doing, and NO fits that perfectly. Just a simple firm NO and taking the item away or holding their hand back shows they have to stop what they are doing.