About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

[lifeuphigh]

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

@DoorWasAJar

So gross, ‘perhaps you might like it’ all this weird pressure for OP to do what her DH wants is creepy. Does nobody understand consent any more?

It's gross of people to suggest that she might enjoy a night away with her DH doing things her and her DH enjoy and it's a consent issue to suggest she compromises??

Which she doesn’t want to do, has done before and hated. But saying he feels their relationship needs it. she said she didn't enjoy the fancy hotel bit. And maybe their relationship DOES need it? Maybe there's a disconnect there because parenting can be all consuming. If she felt they weren't as close and suggested they needed to do this no would would be describing it as gross, forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do, etc

[quote MattHancocksPrivateNurse]@PollyPage you sound so unpleasant. They’re not ambitious because they don’t have strangers children in their garden/pool?! No wonder you fit so well into a culture with sketchy human rights and moral values.[/quote]
No sweetie, I am a normal human with a job. And you?

LuckySantangelo35
In a way, yes, but my then DH's (divorced after 41 years) parents lived in Australia, my father died when I was 17 and mum lived in my Northern hometown whereas we lived in Surrey. Mum was staying for a 3 day weekend on the night mentioned in my post which was fairly unusual as she hated staying away from her own home, even turning down holidays because she preferred her 'own bed'. Of my two brothers, one lives in Canada and one quite near mum.

That son mentioned, was offered a job in sport a few months before his 16th birthday which he accepted after being interviewed. It meant living a few hundred miles away from home but he was pleased to find he'd be living with his boss and family which included two young sons. Although there were many tears on both sides when we parted at his bosses house, he soon made friends and is in the same line of work today having travelled the world and won accolades, been on tv, in magazines met amazing people not least his wonderful wife.
All the others have moved into jobs which have taken them to live over 100 miles from each other and I'm glad they've flourished and live happy fulfilling lives. That's just how it worked out. After I got divorced they didn't want me to meet anyone else. 'You've got us mum' was their reason and yes, they are and always have been my world.

@BoredZelda

It’s not. I was born in 1953 and my parents used to go away by themselves. I was perfectly happy with my granny.

One person doing it doesn’t make it a thing. And can you be sure they were doing it to save their relationship? That just wasn’t the thing everyone was told they must do.

You said it was a modern thing. Clearly it isn’t if people were doing it almost 70 years ago 🤷‍♀️ They did it, I assume, to maintain their relationship and remind themselves they weren’t just co parents.

Surely you can keep your husband happy without turning into a Stepford wife? If you lose all interest in your relationship when kids come along, you’re basically telling your bloke he’s a sperm donor.

I have always gone on a family holiday for 2-3 weeks each year to a coast, with children and often in-laws too. Then my in-laws take children for 1 week and DH and I go somewhere different we would not necessarily go with children. We go for a couple of weekends without kids too. Keeps your marriage romantic.

And no...I never went out with friends. I had 5 children at about 4 year intervals and my then DH and I used to take them away with us always. I was never ever tired of being with them.

I don't think I have ever seen anyone prove the majority point more than @LoisLane66 is doing right now. Bravo.

After I got divorced they didn't want me to meet anyone else. 'You've got us mum' was their reason

This is quite a selfish attitude.
My parents divorced and I'm pleased they met new partners. I wouldn't have wanted them to be alone.

Of course it's a valid choice to not want to be away from your children over night, we haven't been and he's nearly 5. Our DS doesn't want to stay out anywhere yet and we are the same, I love waking up and our DS is there.
We still get time together as a couple, it's just not overnight in hotels.

The issue here is, that your DH is obviously not happy with the current status of your relationship. I'm not sure where you go though, as you shouldn't be made to do anything you don't want, at all, but he deserves to feel loved in the way he wants,

Can you not get creative at home, or book a hotel but don't spend the night there, just enjoy the time then get back home for the kids waking up,

4 child free weekends seems a lot and if you won't enjoy it is it worth it.? Can't you have 1 instead but also have some child free dates nights?

I would jump at the chance! We never get any quality time together. May I ask if it's the fact it is just the two of you or being away from the kids, maybe both? It's important to spend time by yourselves, would really love to be able to. X

@BoredZelda

I find it really sad that you unnecessarily deprived yourself of those things.

I find it sad that others want to make silly judgements like this. Perhaps she didn’t want to do those things.

@BoredZelda what she never wanted to see friends without a child in tow over the course of 16 years? or have time out of the home her husband child free? In 16 years! Yeah it’s not an assumption to think that’s sad. It’s weird!

Our first weekend away was when dd was about a year old, it was just for 2 nights. It done everybody good, me and dh, dd, and grandparents. I love dd dearly but is was so nice being a couple again, dd loved it and was spoilt rottten and grandparents had a ball. We managed to do it quite a few more times, normally once a year or every other year.

Don’t discount it, you may enjoy, but perhaps just try once and see how you get on.

@LoisLane66

LuckySantangelo35 In a way, yes, but my then DH's (divorced after 41 years) parents lived in Australia, my father died when I was 17 and mum lived in my Northern hometown whereas we lived in Surrey. Mum was staying for a 3 day weekend on the night mentioned in my post which was fairly unusual as she hated staying away from her own home, even turning down holidays because she preferred her 'own bed'. Of my two brothers, one lives in Canada and one quite near mum.

That son mentioned, was offered a job in sport a few months before his 16th birthday which he accepted after being interviewed. It meant living a few hundred miles away from home but he was pleased to find he'd be living with his boss and family which included two young sons. Although there were many tears on both sides when we parted at his bosses house, he soon made friends and is in the same line of work today having travelled the world and won accolades, been on tv, in magazines met amazing people not least his wonderful wife.
All the others have moved into jobs which have taken them to live over 100 miles from each other and I'm glad they've flourished and live happy fulfilling lives. That's just how it worked out. After I got divorced they didn't want me to meet anyone else. 'You've got us mum' was their reason and yes, they are and always have been my world.

@LoisLane66 “You’ve got us mum” I think that’s really selfish of your DCs. Presumably they have partners, why shouldn’t you? There are needs that you will have that they cannot meet. Put yourself first! They would soon get used to having a relationship and a partner of your own. Sounds like it’s about time your prioritised yourself!

He is trying to tell you he needs more. Are you very child centred at home. To be fair, I work away a lot so can't really imagine being home all the time, I do weeks on and weeks off but I genuinely don't think it affects kids. This is about your husband wanting to move away from what the status quo is and trying to maintain your relationship. You are lucky, many just have an affair to get what they need
THIS
I cant believe you have not already considered it. You seem to see motherhood as be all and end all. Make sure you are not left literally holding the baby. Spouses suggest things like this when they are trying to recapture something.

@LoisLane66

And no...I never went out with friends. I had 5 children at about 4 year intervals and my then DH and I used to take them away with us always. I was never ever tired of being with them.

@LoisLane66 So now your kids are all grown up with their own lives etc…where are you now with friends?

Well it’s a nice idea, and as you say he’s probs more comfortable being away from the kids than you are, as a mum of 4 I would welcome this idea in theory but can’t help feel guilty for that wherever we went the kids would enjoy it too.
Perhaps one night instead of a weekend or once or twice a year instead.
What’s his thoughts behind the suggestion, is he feeling you don’t get enough alone time together? Nothings more of a passion killer than the kids around even when they’re asleep .
If this is his thinking? Or does he actually want to holiday and visit places but child free? If it’s more about quality time together do you even need to go away? The kids could go and stay and grandparents for a night and you could stay at home.

I would not do that. Four times per year! Your DH is bonkers. I've had 2 nights away in 14 years. One was an obligatory hen and the other to see my best friend. Having said that DC have had sleepovers away, so been away themselves

@cherish123

I would not do that. Four times per year! Your DH is bonkers. I've had 2 nights away in 14 years. One was an obligatory hen and the other to see my best friend. Having said that DC have had sleepovers away, so been away themselves

@cherish123 some might say you only having 2 nights away in the last 14 years is bonkers!

@LoisLane66

And no...I never went out with friends. I had 5 children at about 4 year intervals and my then DH and I used to take them away with us always. I was never ever tired of being with them.

Having a life outside of being Mom isn't about being tired of your kids fgs.

@cherish123

I would not do that. Four times per year! Your DH is bonkers. I've had 2 nights away in 14 years. One was an obligatory hen and the other to see my best friend. Having said that DC have had sleepovers away, so been away themselves

If your kids have had sleepovers, why can't you go away? How is it different? Because you feel you're sending them away? It's to the grandparents to be spoilt

@Thinkbiglittleone

Of course it's a valid choice to not want to be away from your children over night, we haven't been and he's nearly 5. Our DS doesn't want to stay out anywhere yet and we are the same, I love waking up and our DS is there. We still get time together as a couple, it's just not overnight in hotels.

The issue here is, that your DH is obviously not happy with the current status of your relationship. I'm not sure where you go though, as you shouldn't be made to do anything you don't want, at all, but he deserves to feel loved in the way he wants,

Can you not get creative at home, or book a hotel but don't spend the night there, just enjoy the time then get back home for the kids waking up,

@Thinkbiglittleone That just sounds a bit rubbish for the one in the relationship who wants the weekend away. Op and her DH will spend night after night at home. How creative can you be?! Getting out, having a change of scene, different setting is so refreshing. And as for booking a hotel but getting home before the kids wake up…wtf? A) what a waste of money B) surely one of the whole points of going away to a hotel is that you get to have a lie in, maybe a morning shag, a leisurely breakfast, maybe spend some time in the hotel spa if there is one. No way would I want to be racing home in the morning and missing all of that to be home when the kids wake up when I do that day after day after day.

@cherish123

I would not do that. Four times per year! Your DH is bonkers. I've had 2 nights away in 14 years. One was an obligatory hen and the other to see my best friend. Having said that DC have had sleepovers away, so been away themselves

To me, you're the bonkers one.

@LoisLane66

I was pregnant with our second child when DH booked for us to go to a cabaret club (not even an overnight away from home) My mum had our 4 year old daughter overnight. I enjoyed dinner and drinks but then started to feel horrible that I wasn't there to cuddle my daughter and do all the bedtime routine. Like the OP's DH, my DH worked away for long periods (offshore) and it was a treat to dress up and look fabulous. Before the cabaret act started I told him we were going to have to leave. He wasn't best pleased but I couldn't not go home. After that, I never spent any time away from any of my children unless it was an unavoidable overnight hospital stay after giving birth. Right up until they were 16, none of them wanted to spend time away from home on sleepovers or school trips etc. Oldest son did go camping with friends family but had to be driven home at 11pm-ish by the dad as he was so upset.

That's not a good thing. I'd feel like I'd failed as a parent if my teenagers couldn't spend a night away from home without being upset. It's mollycoddling.