About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

[lifeuphigh]

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

you’re right everyone is different. OP is different to her husband in the sense that she isn’t bothered about having weekends away just as a couple but he is. So she has to respond to that the same way as he should to her if it was the other way round. He is asking for four weekends away per year that leaves loads and loads of other weekends in the year when Op can have her preferred kind of weekend.

I wouldn’t force my partner to do something they didn’t want to do under some misguided belief it would improve my relationship.

@BoredZelda

Do it. I can't understand women who feel they need to be joined to their children's hip. Don't you enjoy a little freedom occasionally? It's healthy for a relationship too.

You can’t understand other people might not want the same thugs as you do?

To be fair it does sound like a sad dull little life for him. I would be out of there.

@BoredZelda

you’re right everyone is different. OP is different to her husband in the sense that she isn’t bothered about having weekends away just as a couple but he is. So she has to respond to that the same way as he should to her if it was the other way round. He is asking for four weekends away per year that leaves loads and loads of other weekends in the year when Op can have her preferred kind of weekend.

I wouldn’t force my partner to do something they didn’t want to do under some misguided belief it would improve my relationship.

That isn’t what’s happened. Nobody’s forcing anyone. I can’t see how wanting some childfree time to refresh a relationship is “misguided”. It’s pretty standard advice from relationship counsellors.

@BoredZelda

you’re right everyone is different. OP is different to her husband in the sense that she isn’t bothered about having weekends away just as a couple but he is. So she has to respond to that the same way as he should to her if it was the other way round. He is asking for four weekends away per year that leaves loads and loads of other weekends in the year when Op can have her preferred kind of weekend.

I wouldn’t force my partner to do something they didn’t want to do under some misguided belief it would improve my relationship.

@BoredZelda why is the husbands belief that it could help their relationship misguided? There is obviously something missing for him in the relationship and he is taking steps to address it. OP can ignore that at her peril.

I wouldn’t force my partner to do something they didn’t want to do under some misguided belief it would improve my relationship.

Why is it misguided? It's clearly important to him so it shouldn't be dismissed outright.

It helps my relationship to have time away just as a couple, why shouldn’t it help theirs?

I wouldn’t force my partner to do something they didn’t want to do under some misguided belief it would improve my relationship.
But if she refuses to compromise or find a work around then she's also forcing him to do something he didn't want to do (have no lengthy free time with his wife) so how does that work? Except for the MN belief that as a man he's wrong. Always.

To be fair it does sound like a sad dull little life for him. I would be out of there. then perhaps he should have thought about that before getting married and having kids?

If marriage and family life, even with still indulging their hobbies like their outdoor pursuits is so dull to him, 4 weekends a year in a hotel isn't going to be enough. It doesn't take a genius to work out life can't carry on untouched.

I live in the middle east and I am so glad I do. Everyone does their own thing, either playing out or in the pool. Sometimes I don't even know the kids in my garden, they come round, play, eat, swim and socialise, from 5 upwards. I am going out to the pool.in a minute to suggest that we stop doing stuff with our friends and do family activities just to see the look on their faces . I appreciate the UK isn't very safe these days but what 7 year old wants to go mountain biking with their parents rather than play with their pals. I still maintain this is a sad, mean, one sided little life set up to stop the mum. Feeling redundant. This is why I never stopped working and stayed as the highest earner. I couldn't bear it.

But this thread has helped me see that DH doesn't feel the same way, and that's absolutely fine, and we've been doing it my way for 8 years.

@lifeuphigh Yep, after 20+ years of marriage, I've found that compromise is key and we often have different takes on things- and sometimes, neither of us are "wrong," we just view things differently!

As I suggested upthread, I'd compromise with perhaps a couple of weekends a year and see how it goes or suggest more evenings out together more regularly if you're simply not comfortable with overnights right now.

Once they're teenagers, you might be desperate for the occasional weekend away, they're still at lovely ages right now. Not that I don't adore my teenagers, but they can be hard work sometimes.

@PollyPage

I live in the middle east and I am so glad I do. Everyone does their own thing, either playing out or in the pool. Sometimes I don't even know the kids in my garden, they come round, play, eat, swim and socialise, from 5 upwards. I am going out to the pool.in a minute to suggest that we stop doing stuff with our friends and do family activities just to see the look on their faces . I appreciate the UK isn't very safe these days but what 7 year old wants to go mountain biking with their parents rather than play with their pals. I still maintain this is a sad, mean, one sided little life set up to stop the mum. Feeling redundant. This is why I never stopped working and stayed as the highest earner. I couldn't bear it.

Hilarious 😂

Blimey PollyPage, for someone who is supposedly very happy with their life, you seem incredibly bitter! Nothing about our lives is sad or dull. That's the last way DH would describe it. That said he needs more couple time; as I've said upthread, I understand that and obviously will address it. As I've also said upthread, my 8yo spends a lot of time with her friends and staying away from home (in fact I'll barely see her this weekend due to various parties, a sleepover and her sports) BUT she also loves family time. She loves the outdoor activities we love; probably helped by the fact that we often do them with big groups of friends - hers and ours. I'm sorry if your kids don't enjoy your company, but I know heaps of children her age and older who love going out biking, climbing etc with their parents.

There's been an awful lot of drama on this thread. Nobody in our marriage is forcing anyone to do anything. We don't always agree on many things in life but we work out solutions and compromise, just like we are with this (we already booked a weekend away last night for our anniversary). My original question was, AIBU to not want to spend weekends away from the kids, and obviously some people think I am and others think I am not. Which is understandable because we are all different. No vitriol required.

🤣this has kicked off hasn’t it!

Bloody hell no need to be so rude some of you!

Guess we can't all parent as well as you @PollyPage with our kids who like doing stuff with their parents. I guess the Middle East is just such a superior place to raise a family 🙄

@PollyPage I know three couples in the Middle East and that is not their experience at all. Same way OPs experience doesn’t represent everyone in the UK. No need to be so smug.

My mum always had ours, now the older two have the tweenagers (11&13) I love a few days away.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for time as a couple, but I think four weekends a year is unusual. Most people I know manage one or two if they are lucky. I’ve had one ever, (and would love more)

I was pregnant with our second child when DH booked for us to go to a cabaret club (not even an overnight away from home)
My mum had our 4 year old daughter overnight.
I enjoyed dinner and drinks but then started to feel horrible that I wasn't there to cuddle my daughter and do all the bedtime routine.
Like the OP's DH, my DH worked away for long periods (offshore) and it was a treat to dress up and look fabulous.
Before the cabaret act started I told him we were going to have to leave. He wasn't best pleased but I couldn't not go home.
After that, I never spent any time away from any of my children unless it was an unavoidable overnight hospital stay after giving birth.
Right up until they were 16, none of them wanted to spend time away from home on sleepovers or school trips etc. Oldest son did go camping with friends family but had to be driven home at 11pm-ish by the dad as he was so upset.

@Hellorhighwater

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for time as a couple, but I think four weekends a year is unusual. Most people I know manage one or two if they are lucky. I’ve had one ever, (and would love more)

@Hellorhighwater If OP has the means to have more then why shouldn’t she have more? It’s more a lack of opportunity for some

That all sounds incredibly unhealthy @LoisLane66.

@LoisLane66

I was pregnant with our second child when DH booked for us to go to a cabaret club (not even an overnight away from home) My mum had our 4 year old daughter overnight. I enjoyed dinner and drinks but then started to feel horrible that I wasn't there to cuddle my daughter and do all the bedtime routine. Like the OP's DH, my DH worked away for long periods (offshore) and it was a treat to dress up and look fabulous. Before the cabaret act started I told him we were going to have to leave. He wasn't best pleased but I couldn't not go home. After that, I never spent any time away from any of my children unless it was an unavoidable overnight hospital stay after giving birth. Right up until they were 16, none of them wanted to spend time away from home on sleepovers or school trips etc. Oldest son did go camping with friends family but had to be driven home at 11pm-ish by the dad as he was so upset.

@LoisLane66 Dont you worry though that part of why your son would get so upset was because he hadn’t had experience of being separated from you ever e.g to stay overnight with grandparents. It seems a shame he missed out on experiences he could have enjoyed such as school trips

Yeah @LoisLane66 you aren’t selling that lifestyle there… sounds horribly unhealthy all round.

OK. Well I find you sad and needy. My opinion. I can't imagine being you

@LoisLane66
Plus how you can you not have never spent any time away from your children at all?! Like practically how can that work? Did you never have a night out with friends? Did you never have a night out with your husband? I find it really sad that you unnecessarily deprived yourself of those things.