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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

428 replies

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:21

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

OP posts:
pitterpatterrain · 04/03/2022 21:44

@cherish123

I would not do that. Four times per year! Your DH is bonkers. I've had 2 nights away in 14 years. One was an obligatory hen and the other to see my best friend. Having said that DC have had sleepovers away, so been away themselves
I was going to say I can’t even imagine only having had 2 nights away from my DC in 14 years. But then I pondered on my DM who was basically a SAHM. But even she has been away for 2x weeks longhaul with my DF when we were in primary school and we stayed with our GP and we had a great time.

So “bonkers” feels a bit strong tbh

pitterpatterrain · 04/03/2022 21:45

(basically meaning it was a bit more complex than that but as shorthand for the thread..)

Gwegowygwiggs · 04/03/2022 22:00

@moita

No, I'm the same! I want to go on holiday as a family otherwise I'd have remained childless..
This is just silly. Suggesting having children means you have to do absolutely everything with them.

That's like saying

"I want to go on holiday with my husband. If I wanted to go on holiday with my friends I wouldn't have got married"

Gwegowygwiggs · 04/03/2022 22:01

@cherish123

I would not do that. Four times per year! Your DH is bonkers. I've had 2 nights away in 14 years. One was an obligatory hen and the other to see my best friend. Having said that DC have had sleepovers away, so been away themselves
You need a hobby
LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2022 22:04

@Gwegowygwiggs TBF some posters on here would agree with that! Can’t abide the thought of spending a night away from the marital bed

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2022 22:08

@Gwegowygwiggs some people on here wouldn't go on holiday without their husband. I've seen people on here say they never see friends on weekends because that's family time.

Amybelle88 · 04/03/2022 22:09

Totally get it - DH and I wanted to do Paris this year for a really, really special occasion. Planned on 3 nights then thought maybe just two, then realised two wouldn’t be worth it and decided not to go at all. We just don’t like leaving the kids - I wish we were more comfortable with it because it’s healthy to have your own time as a parent or a couple I think. However, it’s just not for us - we’ve opted for one night in a lovely spa hotel in Cheshire instead and two weeks in Florida with our best mates (the offspring!😂)

Hagpie · 04/03/2022 22:13

I don’t get it. I love love love being a mummy and I am simultaneously saving for a two-week child-free trip to somewhere little bums could not sit still on a plane long enough for. I remember my aunt/grandparents doing the same for my mum when I was little too! In fact, my youngest sister is only 12 and it was my dad that asked offered to look after my two (2 and 5) if we took his. Grin

BraveGoldie · 04/03/2022 22:15

Goodness, I left my baby with my mum and husband for three days when she was 8 months, then again for a week when she was a year. Once for a break, once for a week's training I needed to do to get my Degree. Pumped lots of milk for them to use and left them to it. Dad was very hands on and my mum is closest to a second mum for my daughter, so while I am sure she noticed I was gone, she definitely felt safe and loved with parental figures too.

I left her for a week in similar way every six months ever since. I similarly held the fort for whole weeks or more when her dad was away for work. From age six she would spend a week with grandparents, without either parent, several times a year, and from age 8 that extended to two weeks at a time.

Even with that, until 6, she was with me 96% of the year! And after that about 90%

If someone truly doesn't want to leave their kids, fine don't. But the comments of 'why would you ever want to be away/ what's the point of having kids then' or 'how can you dump them like that' are just ridiculous. And sexist. I doubt very much we would doubt a man's fathering or the point of him having kids for going away for two days!

DD was very enriched by her time away from us - she is very securely attached but with an independent, self reliant spirit. She developed a proper deep relationship with grandparents, got to spend wonderful holidays in other countries that we couldn't have taken her to or stayed as long in..... and the grandparents loved it. And I was able to be a way better mum for having some chinks of time in my life which were for me - whether personal, having adult friendships, continuing to develop my career, have time as a couple, or just simply rest.

I respect mum's different choices to be always with their kids, but I hope you find other ways to nurture the parts of yourself that are not about being a mother.

Remmy123 · 04/03/2022 22:15

I am the same. Kids are fine I just struggle being away from them even though they drive me mad!

Briony123 · 04/03/2022 22:23

I go away at the drop of a hat but if you don't enjoy it then don't do it.

Dreamstate · 04/03/2022 22:36

What is even the point of your post OP, turns out your okay with your 8yrs staying overnight elsewhere on a weekend yet you cant just with your DH. Your 8yr old is clearly okay and not feeling they are missing out.

Honestly its so strange how your fine with your 8yr old being away overnight but feeling anxious being away overnight with your dh.

Weird.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2022 22:42

@Dreamstate

What is even the point of your post OP, turns out your okay with your 8yrs staying overnight elsewhere on a weekend yet you cant just with your DH. Your 8yr old is clearly okay and not feeling they are missing out.

Honestly its so strange how your fine with your 8yr old being away overnight but feeling anxious being away overnight with your dh.

Weird.

@lifeuphighI know, I don’t get that either
LoisLane66 · 04/03/2022 23:20

@Waxonwaxoff0
Our children were used to dad working offshore and because it was a dry support vessel and stressful job, he often went huntin' shootin' fishin' in the US, predominantly Fort Lauderdale.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2022 23:28

[quote LoisLane66]@Waxonwaxoff0
Our children were used to dad working offshore and because it was a dry support vessel and stressful job, he often went huntin' shootin' fishin' in the US, predominantly Fort Lauderdale.[/quote]
@LoisLane66 Erm what’s that got to do with you mollycoddling your DC??

lifeuphigh · 04/03/2022 23:34

@Dreamstate

What is even the point of your post OP, turns out your okay with your 8yrs staying overnight elsewhere on a weekend yet you cant just with your DH. Your 8yr old is clearly okay and not feeling they are missing out.

Honestly its so strange how your fine with your 8yr old being away overnight but feeling anxious being away overnight with your dh.

Weird.

Well as I said upthread, I don’t really like my 8 yo staying away overnight but obviously encourage her to do it because (though some on this thread might think otherwise!) I support my DC being independent and going out and having fun without me.

I also feel quite differently being apart from one child to being apart from all 3, especially given that the other two are younger. I don’t think that’s too hard to understand Confused

OP posts:
LoisLane66 · 04/03/2022 23:41
  • sent before finished Used to go with couple of workmates to de-stress for 7-10 days. I studied for an open university degree at nights or when I had time in the day but I always liked meeting the children from school and dreaming up interesting things to do. One of them was in the air cadets and another in a rowing team at school and we had lots of weekend outings together, the children and I, to London, Channel Islands, seaside etc and they had friends to play and stay for tea now and again. I moved after I got divorced and yes, I do have different friends but I like being on my own and doing my own thing. Reading, shopping, travel etc and some pro bono work for Crisis. I guess that I'm just contented to do my own thing. I did meet my OH (if you can call him that) on a dating site 8 years ago but we don't live together and I've got less inclined to see him as time goes on. Funny that most people think I have a great personality and everything seems a bit flatter if I'm not where they are but I don't see myself that way and gossip and idle chit chat isn't my thing. I'd rather read biographies or my latest book, The Ticket Collector From Belarus, bought before the recent events became news.
SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2022 23:59

@Dreamstate

What is even the point of your post OP, turns out your okay with your 8yrs staying overnight elsewhere on a weekend yet you cant just with your DH. Your 8yr old is clearly okay and not feeling they are missing out.

Honestly its so strange how your fine with your 8yr old being away overnight but feeling anxious being away overnight with your dh.

Weird.

One 8 year old away for the weekend isn't the same as three kids away, esp given ones still a pee schooler

I'm off in July for three nights alone. Based on this thread I'm not even sure WHY I got married or had so many babies.

Scottsy100 · 05/03/2022 00:59

I would have loved the opportunity to do this, snap it up, make time for you both. I have just split up with my partner of 7 years because we didn’t do this and didn’t make each other a priority, if he is the one suggesting this then at least he really wants to make the effort. Go for it

Mamanyt · 05/03/2022 03:18

Oh, OP, I so get what you are saying. But I urge you to remember this. Your job as a parent is to rear self-reliant, balanced adults. And with DC #1, you are very near the half-way mark to having that DC grown and gone. At some point, before you know it, the last one will be out the door. It never hurts to pay attention to the "child" who is NEVER going to leave home, your primary partner, and to put time into that relationship. Four times a year is not too much. Consider it an investment in your future!

Nelliephant1 · 05/03/2022 03:33

Mine are green but still at home and I've never left them overnight, I still won't so I fully understand.

PollyPage · 05/03/2022 04:21

@Nelliephant1

Mine are green but still at home and I've never left them overnight, I still won't so I fully understand.
Have you ever thought bout getting a job or a hobby? Poor children.
LuckySantangelo35 · 05/03/2022 04:35

@Nelliephant1

Mine are green but still at home and I've never left them overnight, I still won't so I fully understand.
@Nelliephant1 By green do you mean teens? If so…why?! If so, you really do need to start making your own life for yourself!
RachaelN · 05/03/2022 06:12

We go away for a long weekend once a year without our kids. It can feel stressful sorting things out for the kids and dogs etc. But it's worth it once there.

PollyPage · 05/03/2022 06:39

I don't even work on the same country as my family most of the time. We are still alive and I am not sitting at home worrying about not being the centre of people's world. All win.

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