Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

428 replies

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:21

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

OP posts:
BulletTrain · 04/03/2022 18:13

@LoisLane66 I'd have told you to go home on your own.

PollyPage · 04/03/2022 18:15

[quote MattHancocksPrivateNurse]@PollyPage I know three couples in the Middle East and that is not their experience at all. Same way OPs experience doesn’t represent everyone in the UK. No need to be so smug.[/quote]
Sorry for them. Maybe they should be more ambitious.

Bigoldhag · 04/03/2022 18:15

Would it help you to reframe it?

Its great for your children to further develop their relationship with their grandparents, and learn how to sleep away from you in a gentle way. Its good preparation if there was ever an emergency that caused you to both be away, and to help them get used to it when they inenvitably want to sleep over with mates.

Littlemissprosecco · 04/03/2022 18:16

Enough!

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/03/2022 18:19

Right up until they were 16, none of them wanted to spend time away from home on sleepovers or school trips etc. Oldest son did go camping with friends family but had to be driven home at 11pm-ish by the dad as he was so upset

Bloody hell that's awful and not something to be proud of.

SpinsForGin · 04/03/2022 18:22

@LoisLane66

I was pregnant with our second child when DH booked for us to go to a cabaret club (not even an overnight away from home) My mum had our 4 year old daughter overnight. I enjoyed dinner and drinks but then started to feel horrible that I wasn't there to cuddle my daughter and do all the bedtime routine. Like the OP's DH, my DH worked away for long periods (offshore) and it was a treat to dress up and look fabulous. Before the cabaret act started I told him we were going to have to leave. He wasn't best pleased but I couldn't not go home. After that, I never spent any time away from any of my children unless it was an unavoidable overnight hospital stay after giving birth. Right up until they were 16, none of them wanted to spend time away from home on sleepovers or school trips etc. Oldest son did go camping with friends family but had to be driven home at 11pm-ish by the dad as he was so upset.
How did your husband feel about never having the opportunity to spend time alone with you?

I wonder if your son's reaction to the camping trip was due to the fact that he'd never had the opportunity to stay away before?

ittakes2 · 04/03/2022 18:22

I’ve read so many posts on here of women whose husbands have told them they have fallen out of love with them. Your hubby is trying to tell you he needs something - listen to him. It doesn’t mean you have to do what he asks but at least negotiate or at least try it. You might decide you like it

Carriecakes80 · 04/03/2022 18:23

I felt the same, but knew I still wanted the odd night here and there, we have one weekend a year thats just us! The kids have a great time at their grandparents, and we realise its good for them too. Its hard, I love being around all of my children, but having the odd night can also be really lovely too, few drinkies, bit of romance, it keeps things alive, happy parents, happy kids! x

Runmybathforme · 04/03/2022 18:25

I'm with your DH here. I think it's really important to keep the adult relationship going, it's not all about the children. My parents used to have our kids every couple of months for the weekend so we could go away for some grown up time. It helped our relationship, and my kids have wonderful memories of spending lovely times with their Grandparents. Unfortunately, I'm now a widow, but I have some fabulous memories of our times away on our own.

Harmonypuss · 04/03/2022 18:28

Definitely give your head a wobble.
You're an adult human first, parent second, it's about time you had a little time for your relationship with your DH

luckylavender · 04/03/2022 18:31

@Lastqueenofscotland

I personally don’t think four weekends away is much at all!! Especially at their ages
That's not the point though is it?
DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 18:53

So gross, ‘perhaps you might like it’ all this weird pressure for OP to do what her DH wants is creepy. Does nobody understand consent any more?

ittakes2 · 04/03/2022 18:59

DoorWasAJar so over the top - OP married the guy, liked him enough to have three kids and appears to be in a loving relationship with him - I’d be surprised if OP describes spending time with her DH as creepy!

Hellorhighwater · 04/03/2022 19:03

@Blossomtoes

That all sounds incredibly unhealthy *@LoisLane66*.
She should, if she wants to. It just isn’t usual. If her DH is saying ‘this is normal, everyone does it’ then he’s mistaken, that’s all.
BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 19:04

It’s not. I was born in 1953 and my parents used to go away by themselves. I was perfectly happy with my granny.

One person doing it doesn’t make it a thing. And can you be sure they were doing it to save their relationship? That just wasn’t the thing everyone was told they must do.

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 19:05

So gross, ‘perhaps you might like it’ all this weird pressure for OP to do what her DH wants is creepy. Does nobody understand consent any more?

Only when it suits them. Otherwise, we’re all supposed to be stepford wives doing things to keep our husbands happy.

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 19:06

I find it really sad that you unnecessarily deprived yourself of those things.

I find it sad that others want to make silly judgements like this. Perhaps she didn’t want to do those things.

StinkerTroll · 04/03/2022 19:13

DH and I make a definite effort to get away a couple of times a year to remember what it's like to be a couple! Sooner or later it's just going to be the 2 of us again and it's important to spend time together just the 2 of us, we've done this since the kids were about a year old, dds love being with their aunt or grandparents (I know we are really lucky to have good trustworthy childcare) and we get to remember what it is to be 'us', I really believe this makes us better parents, certainly makes us a happier couple

Whatamess582 · 04/03/2022 19:14

You’re not alone feeling like that but as someone who is primary carer for 2 kids 6months a year, (a husband who works away 6m) and no family nearby, I basically would leave my kids with anyone who offered! Unless my kids hated them or I thought they were unsafe I feel like it does them good to see different houses, and build independence, courage, and step outside their comfort zone. I also think my relationship with my husband is key to the smooth working of our family and needs as much time and nourishment as my relationship with my children. So as much as I’m rabid to get time away from my kids, if I wasn’t and my husband said he wanted more time alone I would do it for him.

The kids will have a blast. And so will you two and you will be a stronger family for it. Do it. And don’t worry.

SpinsForGin · 04/03/2022 19:14

Firstly, nobody is forcing anyone to do anything.
Secondly, isn't part of being in a loving relationship doing things to make each other happy which can often involve compromising.

That doesn't make you a stepford wife for goodness sake! 🙄

Yourcatisnotsorry · 04/03/2022 19:18

4 weekends away a year personally seems a lot to me (we’ve had 1 since my 3 year old was born). I wouldn’t want to be away from mine, especially having to travel for work. If you are happy then great if not just say so. Quality time isn’t going to work if you are forced into it.

Whatamess582 · 04/03/2022 19:21

@BoredZelda and this isn’t a dig it’s a genuine interest, why is asking your wife to go away for 1 weekend in 8 years turning her into a stepford wife. Might he not have accommodated her desire to be always with her children? Can he not ask something of his wife like this without being pressurising her?

MattHancocksPrivateNurse · 04/03/2022 19:23

@PollyPage you sound so unpleasant. They’re not ambitious because they don’t have strangers children in their garden/pool?! No wonder you fit so well into a culture with sketchy human rights and moral values.

Liekje · 04/03/2022 19:23

I would love to go away with just my partner, I think it’s important as a couple to do stuff like that because if you only live for your kids now you might make it to empty nest but after kids have left the nest you’ll be alone with husband again, it’s important to maintain the relationship with just the 2 of you. Maybe see if you can do 2 weekends per quarter 1 with the kids and 1 without.

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 19:28

and this isn’t a dig it’s a genuine interest
Yeah, of course it is 🤨

why is asking your wife to go away for 1 weekend in 8 years turning her into a stepford wife. Might he not have accommodated her desire to be always with her children? Can he not ask something of his wife like this without being pressurising her?

4 weekends a year. Which she doesn’t want to do, has done before and hated. But saying he feels their relationship needs it.

That is pressuring.

Swipe left for the next trending thread