To be annoyed by DH scoffing birthday chocolates?

[user1499609760]

It was my birthday earlier this week and as part of my gifts DH gave me a box of nice chocolates.

I opened them yesterday to have one with our post-lunch coffee (both WFH) and offered him one. He then asked for another, and another, while I only had one, trying to savour them. Then after dinner, he asked for more! I said one each and he got annoyed, saying it was offensive that I wouldn’t share with him. AIBU unreasonable to not want to share my birthday chocolates like this? I would always offer him one of anything I’m eating but he then takes more and more, so inevitably I end up with about one-third of the treats. Since he specifically bought them for me for my birthday, I think I should be able to say no. Or am I being massively petty?

(Mostly lighthearted, as I realise this is a microscopic problem in the wider context! )

Nothing is more of a turn off to me than a man who's impulsive with food.

Nothing? Really? Wow, that's crazy.

@hamsterchump

Wait a minute, I think OP may be exaggerating this a bit and obviously spinning it from her side. Good practice in these cases where OP sounds so reasonable and their OH an awful, indecorous brute is to reverse the roles and write it equally unsympathetically but the other way around:

Dear Mumsnet, I bought my husband a lovely box of chocolates for his birthday that I thought he would really enjoy. He opened them and offered them to me over a coffee so I accepted one as we usually share consumable gifts we buy for eachother or receive from others.

Later on he got them out again and we were both enjoying them, I went to choose another and he shrilly exclaimed "just one!" and he looked so annoyed I thought he might slam the box lid down on my fingers. This really shocked me as I said we usually share things and I suppose I had imagined we would enjoy the chocolates together rather than him just eating them luxuriously in front of me without offering or over the sink in secret so I couldn't get any.

I also feel he implied I was being greedy or gluttonous which has really hurt me.

AIBU to think he's being unreasonable and actually quite controlling to want to police my eating like that?

OP relationships aren't about always feeling you got exactly your share and everything was always exactly down the line with never an odd number of chips to come between you. The fact you seem obsessed with getting yours implies much larger issues I'm afraid. If this is really getting to you I would suggest it's symptomatic of a much larger problem where you don't trust your OH to have your best interests at heart. People in healthy relationships both naturally put the other one first much of the time and get pleasure from doing so which evens things out nicely as long as both do it and both trust the other to do it.

Your descriptions of your OH also demonstrate a lot of criticism and a sense of contempt for him which is a very bad thing and you should try to change that asap if you want to work on the relationship.

Read Gottman on relationships for good, evidence based advice. He identifies the four horsemen of divorce (or break up) as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone walling. www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

You should have a chat to OH about making a pact to both start trying to consider the other more in the little things and have more fun together as it sounds like you are on the verge of getting the ick as well which is the death knell of so many relationships.

A lot of big words to say something so silly.

Buying food to share isn't a "gift". That's pretty simple. OP doesn't need to dish out handfuls of her "gift" to her mAgNaNiMoUs but iNdEcOrOuS BeNeFaCtOr.

There. No need to buy a f'ing book about being a better wife.

@AnybodyAnywhere

What the fuck is wrong with your husband!

They wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes in our house.

@HailAdrian

Nothing is more of a turn off to me than a man who's impulsive with food.

Nothing? Really? Wow, that's crazy.

Maybe it's crazy. But it really is up there among my pet "ick"s. It reminds me of dogs who are described as "food-motivated". Not very refined or mature.

Yes, there are worse things than being grabby with food, but I file these under "red flags" rather than "turn offs". Less crazy now?

@hamsterchump

Wait a minute, I think OP may be exaggerating this a bit and obviously spinning it from her side. Good practice in these cases where OP sounds so reasonable and their OH an awful, indecorous brute is to reverse the roles and write it equally unsympathetically but the other way around:

Dear Mumsnet, I bought my husband a lovely box of chocolates for his birthday that I thought he would really enjoy. He opened them and offered them to me over a coffee so I accepted one as we usually share consumable gifts we buy for eachother or receive from others.

Later on he got them out again and we were both enjoying them, I went to choose another and he shrilly exclaimed "just one!" and he looked so annoyed I thought he might slam the box lid down on my fingers. This really shocked me as I said we usually share things and I suppose I had imagined we would enjoy the chocolates together rather than him just eating them luxuriously in front of me without offering or over the sink in secret so I couldn't get any.

I also feel he implied I was being greedy or gluttonous which has really hurt me.

AIBU to think he's being unreasonable and actually quite controlling to want to police my eating like that?

OP relationships aren't about always feeling you got exactly your share and everything was always exactly down the line with never an odd number of chips to come between you. The fact you seem obsessed with getting yours implies much larger issues I'm afraid. If this is really getting to you I would suggest it's symptomatic of a much larger problem where you don't trust your OH to have your best interests at heart. People in healthy relationships both naturally put the other one first much of the time and get pleasure from doing so which evens things out nicely as long as both do it and both trust the other to do it.

Your descriptions of your OH also demonstrate a lot of criticism and a sense of contempt for him which is a very bad thing and you should try to change that asap if you want to work on the relationship.

Read Gottman on relationships for good, evidence based advice. He identifies the four horsemen of divorce (or break up) as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone walling. www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

You should have a chat to OH about making a pact to both start trying to consider the other more in the little things and have more fun together as it sounds like you are on the verge of getting the ick as well which is the death knell of so many relationships.

No, OP would still be unreasonable if it was the other way around. Of course you can police what people eat when it’s your own food? Don’t be so ridiculous. I’d be telling OP to buy her own box of chocolates and not eat the special birthday ones she bought for her DH.

OP relationships aren't about always feeling you got exactly your share and everything was always exactly down the line with never an odd number of chips to come between you. The fact you seem obsessed with getting yours implies much larger issues I'm afraid.

As for this. What a load of shite. Relationships are about mutual respect not expecting to have what’s not yours, and then sulking when you’re told no. OP’s DH is a greedy bastard, that’s all it is. My own relationship is perfectly happy and healthy with no ‘much larger issues’ and I would still be fuming if my DP started scoffing special chocolates I got for my birthday. Not that he would, he rarely takes me up on the offer of a chocolate I got for my birthday because “no they’re your birthday chocolates”.

There was a recent thread and the OPs DP was eating her snacks, the responses were almost unanimous in that they too would be fuming about it. I guess they all have serious relationship issues too? I actually see this as worse because it’s special birthday chocolates he just expects to help himself too.

well @hamsterchump that was clearly a complete pile of bollocks

bottom line: don't expect people to share their birthday gifts of chocolate with you. That is weird and entitled

[quote TravellingFrom]@hamsterchump the problem with your scenario is

• you are assuming edible gifts are always to share. Who is saying that and who is saying that thr OP is happy with that?
• Sharing is 50/50 noty the giver taking many more than the receiver
• you are assuming the OP was shitty about sharing

At best your scenario says that maybe the OP should talk to her DH about expectations re gifts and how she njoys making the box last.....
I don't think that the OP reaction says anything about the OP bar the fact she doesnt like to be walked all over nor that she thinks he doesnt have her best interest at heart. She just wants to enjoy jer birthday present![/quote]
I am surprised people don't share edible gifts by default. Do people really sit there on the sofa, clutching the box in a vice like grip, uhming and ahing over their next chocolate while their OH salivates next to them? Does he just know he's not allowed any so doesn't ask or do you announce "mine" with every bite? Or do you have to wait until he's out or eat them in the car or on the toilet?

Seems really weird to me to be honest, I think quite a bit of the pleasure of an edible gift is in the sharing it with someone. It would be so unattractive to me to watch my other half guarding their food like a dog from me and so I would never think to do the same.

So many people on Mumsnet seem to have "greedy" husbands who guzzle and scoff while they themselves reportedly only manage half a lettuce leaf every other day, but I suppose that's just more of Mumsnet's collective generalised eating disorder and food obsession. I think it's very weird and controlling and negative to spend a lot of time noting the amount your OH eats, finding it too much and complaining about it to anyone who'll listen.

Come on they’re chocolates imagine telling a grown man he can’t have another one cos they’re yours, when he was obviously enjoying them

GASP. Imagine telling a man not to do something he enjoys As a grown man it’s embarrassing, he should be identify that as the buyer of this supposed ‘gift’. They are not his to eat.

I’d tell him to buy his own fucking chocolates.

[quote user1499609760]@AladdinPrincess999 I agree! I think it was his reaction (saying it was offensive etc.) when I offered the same as I was having - one chocolate - and to be a bit that he demanded more & was then pissed off. Does he also want to wear the earrings he got me?[/quote]
Tell him he can only share your chocolates if he wears the earrings to work?

hamsterchump ‘s post really does show how far someone will go to justify a contrary argument. There’s devil’s advocate and there’s constructing an entirely different set of facts to suit your argument.

For those who are hard of reading - the OP was sharing. She didn’t expect him to want to eat the lion’s share in double quick time of something that was a gift to her, and which she wanted to make last.

So many people on Mumsnet seem to have "greedy" husbands who guzzle and scoff

While your descriptions have included "eating luxuriously in front of" their "salivating" partner, while "clutching their chocolates in a vice like grip". If anyone on here could be accused of using overly dramatic and loaded language to skew the truth, my dear, that is you @hamsterchump

@pinkyredrose

He’s a greedy pig with no self control.

I did still put it on the table and we all had a good laugh….my friends know what he’s like. Surprisingly no-one fancied any 🤷🏻‍♀️

@hamsterchump I see what you’re saying to an extent. But in my OP I noted that I do share - I don’t sit in a corner hogging them. My question was about whether, having offered, my DH is U to not only expect more but to sulk when I offered the same as I was having. In my mind, he offered them as a gift so by definition, I decide what to do with them. It sounds extreme but it’s the nature of gifting. If I decided to never open them, I suspect he’d be very annoyed. That to me then is no longer a gift but something to shared, which I wouldn’t have a problem with if that was clear to start with.

@AnybodyAnywhere

My birthday was earlier this year. Our neighbour gave me a Cake the day before, just a supermarket one but a lovely thought and I was really touched 😊.

Just been diagnosed borderline T2 diabetic so given up sugar and wouldn’t eat it….in his defence DH knows this..but I was going to put it out on the table when friends came round for Birthday tea.

I woke up to this.

What on Earth happened?

@hamsterchump I can't believe you went to the effort of typing that out

Do people really sit there on the sofa, clutching the box in a vice like grip, uhming and ahing over their next chocolate while their OH salivates next to them?

Sorry but if you have a husband who salivates at the sight of chocolate then I think that is the indicator of a much bigger problem. My DP certainly doesn’t do this because he has self control.

As a rule of thumb, on a day to day basis we share snacks. My DP tends to eat more of them than me as I do count calories but if he realises he’s eaten more than his fair share of what ever snack is in the cupboard, or he’s about to eat the last one then he asks if it’s okay, because respect?

An exception to this is if we are gifted any snacks eg for birthdays/Christmas/valentines. They are our own. I, like OP, would offer my DP a couple whilst I was eating but as they are mine he might accept maybe one or two but he certainly wouldn’t scoff the whole box. He also wouldn’t expect a glass out of nice wine I was gifted, or to wear the lipstick he bought me for valentines. He knows they are mine. He has self control, he wouldn’t have a go at me and sulk for not sharing because he’s a grown man.

The same goes for me. If I know I bought DP a fancy box of something he likes and the weekend is coming up then I might pop to the shop after work to get myself something I like to, so I can eat it when he gets his chocolates out. I couldn’t think of anything worse than trying to enjoy a box of chocolates and having a grown man who I had actually offered one to hovering over my shoulder and ‘salivating’.

This is such a non issue. Buy another box of chocolates. I never understand this non sharing shite. No they are MY chocs, no only ONE each, SAVOUR them...life is too short for that crap, it's a box of bloody chocolates.

Buy another box and hide them under your bed, do a tuck and roll into your bedroom when you fancy one and shove it in your gob when you are on the ground, chew fast before he sees you and come out like nothing happened.

YANBU, I love chocolate too, literally one of my favourite foods and I can be an adult and understand other people's chocolate is theirs, especially birthday chocolate, not mine just because I seem to be enjoying it more than them! I will happily have one if offered but no need to be greedy. I certainly don't live on half a lettuce leaf, I can put away a box of chocs if I want but I can respect other people!! If I was your DH I'd have gone and bought myself a bar of chocolate to satisfy my cravings after trying your chocolate, that's fair enough, but him sulking is ridiculous.

@EuphoriaHigh

Come on they’re chocolates imagine telling a grown man he can’t have another one cos they’re yours, when he was obviously enjoying them

GASP. Imagine telling a man not to do something he enjoys As a grown man it’s embarrassing, he should be identify that as the buyer of this supposed ‘gift’. They are not his to eat.

I’d tell him to buy his own fucking chocolates.

The man is your husband 😂 surely you’d like your husband and be happy he’s enjoying himself?? I don’t get why it matters so much what they’re ‘her’ gift or ‘her’ chocolates, I’d share absolutely anything with my husband - and no I wouldn’t care if he ate more than me cos honestly I couldn’t imagine keeping count or being annoyed it wasn’t 50/50

A better comparison would be if it wasn't your DP who gave them to you, and would you feel weird if they then proceeded to eat most of them, or drink most of it. That would be weird right?

The man is your husband 😂 surely you’d like your husband and be happy he’s enjoying himself?? I don’t get why it matters so much what they’re ‘her’ gift or ‘her’ chocolates, I’d share absolutely anything with my husband - and no I wouldn’t care if he ate more than me cos honestly I couldn’t imagine keeping count or being annoyed it wasn’t 50/50

God even my four year old understands when things aren’t his and I always let him have a couple of my fancy chocs. If my child can understand that then my husband is more than capable of it as well. It’s very unattractive and actually extremely indicative of how much he respects your things IMO.

Glad some people on here don't get me gifts!
Imagine giving someone something & then eating/using it yourself... What a shit gift!

Most of the time i get DP chocolates i don't like that I know he does & vice versa.
Purely because we would usually buy chocolate / sweets to share so wouldn't purchase ones "just for me".
We do share gifts we are given but both like but we are both guided by whoevers gift they are so if they have 1 the other person only has 1.

Usually it's a taste & then further offers are greeted "with oh no its your gift you have them"

What a greedy man. Does he regular steal food from you or family? Is he overweight? Perhaps a sign of an eating disorder. I wouldn't stand for my DP hoovering up my birthday gift. I suppose at least he asked rather than snuffling around at night like a starving dog helping himself to them, unknown to you.