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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by DH scoffing birthday chocolates?

193 replies

user1499609760 · 03/03/2022 09:33

It was my birthday earlier this week and as part of my gifts DH gave me a box of nice chocolates.

I opened them yesterday to have one with our post-lunch coffee (both WFH) and offered him one. He then asked for another, and another, while I only had one, trying to savour them. Then after dinner, he asked for more! I said one each and he got annoyed, saying it was offensive that I wouldn’t share with him. AIBU unreasonable to not want to share my birthday chocolates like this? I would always offer him one of anything I’m eating but he then takes more and more, so inevitably I end up with about one-third of the treats. Since he specifically bought them for me for my birthday, I think I should be able to say no. Or am I being massively petty?

(Mostly lighthearted, as I realise this is a microscopic problem in the wider context! Smile)

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/03/2022 10:07

I'd hide them and eat them in secret!

ANameChangeAgain · 03/03/2022 10:08

We share everything in our home. If dh has a nice box of chocolates or I do, then we share. Gorging yourself on someone else's birthday present is greedy though. If we've have a couple or more then the box goes back in the cupboard before our next chocolate binge session.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/03/2022 10:08

I’d give him that box and ask him to buy another for me! As that box is clearly intended for him to eat.

When I was with exh I used to buy him orange chocolate as I don’t like it, and he does. So it’s definitely a present iyswim.

Mind you, the dc still get him orange chocolate so it’s definitely stuck!

SoberSerena · 03/03/2022 10:10

@ANameChangeAgain

We share everything in our home. If dh has a nice box of chocolates or I do, then we share. Gorging yourself on someone else's birthday present is greedy though. If we've have a couple or more then the box goes back in the cupboard before our next chocolate binge session.
Is a couple of chocolates really a "binge" to you, or were you using hyperbole for comic effect? Genuine question as humour doesn't always translate into text
Original poster
user1499609760 · 03/03/2022 10:11

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Ha this is also us! My DH likes liqueur chocolates and ones with alcohol in, so I get those for this birthday and wouldn’t have any of them myself. He would offer the non-alcohol ones though.

OP posts:
Chely · 03/03/2022 10:13

I only offer dh chocolates once I'm fed up of them, often hide them. I got some pricey ones for Christmas and tried 1 of each flavour but I had covid and my taste was a bit off so I was saving them until it returned to normal. They were all gone when I could enjoy flavours again, the bastard!!

AnybodyAnywhere · 03/03/2022 10:14

My birthday was earlier this year. Our neighbour gave me a Cake the day before, just a supermarket one but a lovely thought and I was really touched 😊.

Just been diagnosed borderline T2 diabetic so given up sugar and wouldn’t eat it….in his defence DH knows this..but I was going to put it out on the table when friends came round for Birthday tea.

I woke up to this.

OneTC · 03/03/2022 10:15

I live with one of these Grin

Once I got given a box of chocolates, and it was empty, and I was promised a replacement, and the replacement arrived and I didn't make it home in time and the box was empty again, this happened 3 times. I never got the chocolate but I've got all the boxes which are like jewellery boxes

I don't even actually like chocolate Grin

GoldenBlue · 03/03/2022 10:16

@Eggs2022

If it’s food then yea! Come on they’re chocolates imagine telling a grown man he can’t have another one cos they’re yours, when he was obviously enjoying them… him being called a greedy selfish man by other pps is such an overreaction
You don't buy someone a present and then eat more of it yourself than them. In particular it is very rude to ask for more than is offered if the kind recipient offers one to share.

Not everyone gets chocolates regularly, and this was a nice box, so a treat. He was being greedy and unfair.

Clearly chocolates aren't a luxury for you and you are treating it like sharing a loaf of bread. It's not that. This was a gift, a special treat and he is set to snaffle more of it himself than the OP.

I think he's behaved in a mean and greedy way and I don't think the OP is over reacting.

I wouldn't scoff the chocolates I buy my kids for Christmas or Easter, that would be mean too. Do you? Because you share and they therefore don't have a right to eat them at their own pace?

Original poster
user1499609760 · 03/03/2022 10:23

@GoldenBlue I think you’ve hit the nail on the head re: feeling like it should be a special treat, and when it’s a gift you should be able to decide how to use/eat it. I’d have zero problem with him eating the majority of a box that was bought communally.

OP posts:
frogsbreath · 03/03/2022 10:31

I'm a fat,chocolate eating fiend. If I know it's in the house I can't stop thinking about it until it's gone.

But I never touch chocolates or sweets that are gifts to my DH or children. It's theirs to enjoy when they want them.

I'm really unimpressed with your DH's attitude to YOUR birthday gifts. Tell him never to buy you an edible present again. Twat that he is.

hamsterchump · 03/03/2022 10:36

Wait a minute, I think OP may be exaggerating this a bit and obviously spinning it from her side. Good practice in these cases where OP sounds so reasonable and their OH an awful, indecorous brute is to reverse the roles and write it equally unsympathetically but the other way around:

Dear Mumsnet, I bought my husband a lovely box of chocolates for his birthday that I thought he would really enjoy. He opened them and offered them to me over a coffee so I accepted one as we usually share consumable gifts we buy for eachother or receive from others.

Later on he got them out again and we were both enjoying them, I went to choose another and he shrilly exclaimed "just one!" and he looked so annoyed I thought he might slam the box lid down on my fingers. This really shocked me as I said we usually share things and I suppose I had imagined we would enjoy the chocolates together rather than him just eating them luxuriously in front of me without offering or over the sink in secret so I couldn't get any.

I also feel he implied I was being greedy or gluttonous which has really hurt me.

AIBU to think he's being unreasonable and actually quite controlling to want to police my eating like that?

OP relationships aren't about always feeling you got exactly your share and everything was always exactly down the line with never an odd number of chips to come between you. The fact you seem obsessed with getting yours implies much larger issues I'm afraid. If this is really getting to you I would suggest it's symptomatic of a much larger problem where you don't trust your OH to have your best interests at heart. People in healthy relationships both naturally put the other one first much of the time and get pleasure from doing so which evens things out nicely as long as both do it and both trust the other to do it.

Your descriptions of your OH also demonstrate a lot of criticism and a sense of contempt for him which is a very bad thing and you should try to change that asap if you want to work on the relationship.

Read Gottman on relationships for good, evidence based advice. He identifies the four horsemen of divorce (or break up) as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone walling. www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

You should have a chat to OH about making a pact to both start trying to consider the other more in the little things and have more fun together as it sounds like you are on the verge of getting the ick as well which is the death knell of so many relationships.

TravellingFrom · 03/03/2022 10:40

Your DH is acting like a child who sees a treat and is worried that he is going to miss out on said treat. So he is scoffing as many as he can as quickly as he can (whilst trying to maintain pretence really).

The fact he is sharing his non alcoholic chocs whe it;s his birthfay isn't here nor there. Simply because it's not what he prefers so isn't hardship/something he is missing on.

Bookworm20 · 03/03/2022 10:41

Regular box of choccies - obvioulsy they are offered round. A birthday box of choccies. Nope they are for the birthday person to either eat them all, or to offer if they want.

Its a well known fact in this house that anyone given birthday treats - they don't have to share if they don't want to. because it was a gift for THEM to enjoy.

WizardOfAus · 03/03/2022 10:43

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

My dh makes a big fuss about buying me something then eats half. If it's posh crisps he literally shoves them in his mouth. I got a bottle of nice alcohol for Xmas. Kept it to myself and he huffed! Greedy fucker..
He sounds revolting.
HailAdrian · 03/03/2022 10:44

Uh oh, another greedy husband SCOFFING everyone's food! Are you also 'teeny tiny' OP?

HailAdrian · 03/03/2022 10:45

How do you put up with these greedy, repulsive, gorging, scoffing pigs 😂

Thissucksmonkeynuts · 03/03/2022 10:47

These are the gifts we call Homer's Bowlingball.

WelliesWithHeels · 03/03/2022 10:47

@hamsterchump

Wait a minute, I think OP may be exaggerating this a bit and obviously spinning it from her side. Good practice in these cases where OP sounds so reasonable and their OH an awful, indecorous brute is to reverse the roles and write it equally unsympathetically but the other way around:

Dear Mumsnet, I bought my husband a lovely box of chocolates for his birthday that I thought he would really enjoy. He opened them and offered them to me over a coffee so I accepted one as we usually share consumable gifts we buy for eachother or receive from others.

Later on he got them out again and we were both enjoying them, I went to choose another and he shrilly exclaimed "just one!" and he looked so annoyed I thought he might slam the box lid down on my fingers. This really shocked me as I said we usually share things and I suppose I had imagined we would enjoy the chocolates together rather than him just eating them luxuriously in front of me without offering or over the sink in secret so I couldn't get any.

I also feel he implied I was being greedy or gluttonous which has really hurt me.

AIBU to think he's being unreasonable and actually quite controlling to want to police my eating like that?

OP relationships aren't about always feeling you got exactly your share and everything was always exactly down the line with never an odd number of chips to come between you. The fact you seem obsessed with getting yours implies much larger issues I'm afraid. If this is really getting to you I would suggest it's symptomatic of a much larger problem where you don't trust your OH to have your best interests at heart. People in healthy relationships both naturally put the other one first much of the time and get pleasure from doing so which evens things out nicely as long as both do it and both trust the other to do it.

Your descriptions of your OH also demonstrate a lot of criticism and a sense of contempt for him which is a very bad thing and you should try to change that asap if you want to work on the relationship.

Read Gottman on relationships for good, evidence based advice. He identifies the four horsemen of divorce (or break up) as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone walling. www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

You should have a chat to OH about making a pact to both start trying to consider the other more in the little things and have more fun together as it sounds like you are on the verge of getting the ick as well which is the death knell of so many relationships.

ConfusedHmm
TravellingFrom · 03/03/2022 10:47

@hamsterchump the problem with your scenario is

  • you are assuming edible gifts are always to share. Who is saying that and who is saying that thr OP is happy with that?
  • Sharing is 50/50 noty the giver taking many more than the receiver
  • you are assuming the OP was shitty about sharing

At best your scenario says that maybe the OP should talk to her DH about expectations re gifts and how she njoys making the box last.....
I don't think that the OP reaction says anything about the OP bar the fact she doesnt like to be walked all over nor that she thinks he doesnt have her best interest at heart. She just wants to enjoy jer birthday present!

SoberSerena · 03/03/2022 10:50

@hamsterchump

Wait a minute, I think OP may be exaggerating this a bit and obviously spinning it from her side. Good practice in these cases where OP sounds so reasonable and their OH an awful, indecorous brute is to reverse the roles and write it equally unsympathetically but the other way around:

Dear Mumsnet, I bought my husband a lovely box of chocolates for his birthday that I thought he would really enjoy. He opened them and offered them to me over a coffee so I accepted one as we usually share consumable gifts we buy for eachother or receive from others.

Later on he got them out again and we were both enjoying them, I went to choose another and he shrilly exclaimed "just one!" and he looked so annoyed I thought he might slam the box lid down on my fingers. This really shocked me as I said we usually share things and I suppose I had imagined we would enjoy the chocolates together rather than him just eating them luxuriously in front of me without offering or over the sink in secret so I couldn't get any.

I also feel he implied I was being greedy or gluttonous which has really hurt me.

AIBU to think he's being unreasonable and actually quite controlling to want to police my eating like that?

OP relationships aren't about always feeling you got exactly your share and everything was always exactly down the line with never an odd number of chips to come between you. The fact you seem obsessed with getting yours implies much larger issues I'm afraid. If this is really getting to you I would suggest it's symptomatic of a much larger problem where you don't trust your OH to have your best interests at heart. People in healthy relationships both naturally put the other one first much of the time and get pleasure from doing so which evens things out nicely as long as both do it and both trust the other to do it.

Your descriptions of your OH also demonstrate a lot of criticism and a sense of contempt for him which is a very bad thing and you should try to change that asap if you want to work on the relationship.

Read Gottman on relationships for good, evidence based advice. He identifies the four horsemen of divorce (or break up) as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone walling. www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

You should have a chat to OH about making a pact to both start trying to consider the other more in the little things and have more fun together as it sounds like you are on the verge of getting the ick as well which is the death knell of so many relationships.

Even in your reverse (where you've taken a lot of liberties with adding things the op hasn't said), the gift giver is still the U one. "I just thought we'd share them". That isn't a gift then! Buy things to share and then buy your dp a present. You don't buy them a present to share, except experience type things maybe
InPraiseOfBacchus · 03/03/2022 10:51

To everyone calling OP immature and precious - I honestly feel sorry for you because I wonder what other boundaries you let other people cross for fear of looking "precious".

This is a nasty breach of gift etiquette, and just tacky and crass on the part of your DH. I'd hate to live with someone who gave me a gift and then hovered around it. His weird comments about it are even worse.

Nothing is more of a turn off to me than a man who's impulsive with food.

TigerLilyTail · 03/03/2022 10:53

I'd definitely hide them!

Next time, don't share at all!!

Happy Birthday!! Cake

SwissCheeseRentedChildren · 03/03/2022 10:53

Bless his heart. He probably thinks they “need using up.”

pinkyredrose · 03/03/2022 10:54

chocolates imagine telling a grown man he can’t have another one cos they’re yours, when he was obviously enjoying them

Hmm