Dreading upcoming holiday, so want to cancel but family will be disappointed

[Sleepescapesme]

We’ve had a holiday to New York booked for over 2 years now.
It’s repeatedly been moved forward due to covid and we are now due to go Easter weekend.
When we booked originally ‘kids’ were 18 and 16 so it was the final big trip before they flew the nest into uni etc.
They are now 21 and nearly 19 so things have changed a bit but they still seem keen to go.
All trip admin is down to me to organise- no point in asking DH to do anything except pay as he wouldn’t have a clue and I’d never relax.
I’ve had to sort estas, insurance, we have to have a supervised covid test in the 24 hour window before we leave, everything is pricey, car parking etc.
All this organisation is stressing me out and I’m not looking forward to it at all.
I keep reading how crime ridden NYC has become, the war in Ukraine has me worried me closer to home our dog is now elderly and she’s not going to be gear left with the dog sitter like she may have been 2 plus years ago.
Final payment time is looming, we’ve already dropped around 1k on deposit and NYV passes / insurance/ estas.
I want to cancel so much, I have no interest in going whatsoever but I know DH and DD especially will be really disappointed. It’s not up to me to decide to pull the rug on a family trip.
WWYD?

If you don’t want to go then don’t but your DH & kids can go together.

Wrong thread, claro.

There really isn't that much to organise for a trip to N.Y., and it sounds like you've done most of it anyway! You will really disappoint your family. and presumably lose a lot of money in the process if you cancel. I can't imagine why you'd want to do that.

N.Y. Is brilliant and Easter is a great time to go. Your adult kids with get so much out of the trip, and may want to do things independently from you and your dh, so you'd 'll be able to have some couple time as well. I really don't understand what your issue is. You sound like you just don't want to go and are looking for excuses to try to justify your decision.

Your anxiety has built up because of other stresses. NYC isn;t the most relaxed place to unwind on holiday but it is really wonderful. Instead of thinking generally about things like 'rising crime', think specifically:
one day we'll walk the highline and have lunch at Chelsea Market
one day we'll wander around the Met and Central Park
one day we'll walk over Brooklyn bridge and then take a cab to Williamsburg for mooching round the shops and restaurants
one day we'll take the Staten island ferry or the ferry to Ellis Island and Statue of Liberty

Think of it in terms of different activities and explorations, day by day, mixing up busy days with lazy days.

And be glad your DC are older now as they will be more streetwise.

Don't be daft, they're going to really (rightly) pissed off.

Just get on with it - it's only a holiday.

Are you always such an anxious person OP? I appreciate that travel in Covid times IS more stressful than it normally is and the forms and tests add another layer of worry - but wanting to cancel and waste all the money you've already spent does seem like a massive overreaction. Why not post in 'Holidays' and ask for reassurance from those who have already been to the US? I honestly think cancelling is unnecessary, but if you can dial down your own stress levels perhaps you'll feel happier about going?

I really don't understand why your husband can't take part in organising this trip. Does he manage to hold down a job? If so, then clearly not an incapable fool when it suits him.
Tell him and the kids to organise any activities they want to do. They are also adults, no need to baby everyone.
It doesn't sound like there is too much more to organise anyway!

They are all adults. They can go without you and it would probably do them good to organise themselves in terms of paperwork so they know how to do it in future.

You don't have to do everything for them. And you shouldn't.

The last couple of years have been really hard. And you missed out on that last hurrah trip with your kids as "children" and now you have kids who are into the next stage. And it's been really pants for those kids and their parents.
You sound stressed with life.
Go.
You might find that a change off scene brings your kids inner child out a bit and you still get that holiday you were looking forward to.
I took my late teens teenage nephews out for the day with my much younger kids. We went miles from where they lived. I thought it would be all teenage boredom. But it was an adventure trail and suddenly they were running round like little kids swinging on ropes and eating ice-cream and acting 5 years younger. It was a really special day watching them swing from one state to the other and then back again. Just on the cusp of adulthood.
So go.

My ds 20 is being deployed near you know where next month. Bloody wish he was packing for a family holiday instead..

Go and enjoy your family..

I have DC this age. Do you think its because you've built it up in your head as a "last holiday" thing? Its a funny time when your family moves off and sadly coincides with the menopause for lots of women. Menopause is a shocker for causing anxiety.
There are some really good apps, that might be able to help (I use Headspace), using relaxation and Mindfulness based tools.
The thing with anxiety is if you give in to it, it just moves onto the next thing. Talk to your family, tell them how you feel.

Have you ever got help for your anxiety? 💐 you sound very stressed, deep breath.

As others have said, sounds like you've got a lot of the organising done already. Delegate planning an activity each to husband and each child. It doesn't matter if you don't have a full itinerary pre trip. As others have said, children and parents could do some things separately too.

Regarding safety, a relative moved to NY in September and has had no issues with safety- they're loving it tbh. Just be sensible as you would in any city.
Re the Ukraine situation, we can't put our lives on hold because of it. To sound slightly doomsday, the UK is just as/more dangerous as closer.
After Covid and various other things, I keep on thinking how life is so short and fragile- we just don't know what's around the corner. And for that reason I think you should go on this holiday with your children before they're away to university/fully grown up.

I understand the concern about your dog- have you got friends or family who could look after her- or recommend a trusted house sitter instead of kennels? If she was actually poorly when you're due to go, you could stay with dog and rest of family go but please don't cancel whole holiday because she's elderly. She may well be at the start of a long and happy old age.

Re anxiety- a good strategy is to "check the facts". Analyse your worries. Are you catastrophising situations? (By the sounds of it you are, seeing NY as very dangerous, thinking war in Ukraine will affect your holiday, worrying something will happen to dog that week in particular).

Do go, you'll regret it otherwise I think as your kids will soon leave home, there won't be as many opportunities as they leave home.

It's stressful, I often feel like this before a big holiday but always enjoy it once there. The kids are old enough to help sort this stuff now, think of it as teaching the life skills so they can do it for their own families in future. You don't want them turning in to DH and being useless at it!

I'd booked to go just over 2 years ago, just me and my then 10 yo dd. I know things were different then but I had the same stresses and was close to cancelling. We went, and I'm so glad we did, once we stepped on the plane the stress melted away, we had the holiday of a lifetime, and there's nothing much to organise really. Estas etc are so simple, you can jump in a yellow cab right outside the airport and other than that you can just wander round the city and book things on the say? I'd say go OP, I think you'll have a blast. It's still one of the safest cities in America.

There is no reason you have to do everything yourself. Saying you wouldn’t relax if you left it to him? Then you need to work on your anxiety.
You keep reading NY is rough? Presumably because you go looking for that info.
You need to deal with your anxiety. Totally unfair to deny everyone else a holiday because you’re anxious.

There's crime in every town and city in the world. There are wars and transmissible diseases everywhere too. This sounds like stress and anxiety taking over which is understandable given the world at the moment.

I would go OP. You will probably be fine once you are on that plane.

It's probably just the anxiety of arranging everything.

We were meant to go to NYC in 2020 then Covid happened, and we probably won't be able to afford to go now.

I have just come back from New York and we had an amazing time. We used the subway to get around and it was all fine, and the attractions themselves were pretty quiet so no queueing to get in anywhere. I made a rough daily plan of what we were going to do, but some days this changed slightly due to weather etc which was fine, we could just rearrange a few of the days. Part of the fun is just wandering and seeing what you stumble across- if you can go I would as the memories will be fab.

@FitnessFad

I really don't understand why your husband can't take part in organising this trip. Does he manage to hold down a job? If so, then clearly not an incapable fool when it suits him. Tell him and the kids to organise any activities they want to do. They are also adults, no need to baby everyone. It doesn't sound like there is too much more to organise anyway!

The OP says he's clueless. That doesn't mean he is clueless.

My wife always organises this kind of thing for holidays. She thinks I'll mess it up. I point out to her that I managed to travel the world for a good twenty adult years before I met her, both on my own and with a kid. I'm perfectly capable.

The problem is that she feels that holidays are her thing, and she wouldn't be able to relax if she delegated any of the tasks involved. If I offer to take some of it off her hands, she says exactly that - "you're hopeless at this sort of thing." Which translates as, "You're not me."

And of course, she gets stressed just like the OP, and complains that she has to do everything. Which she does. She just has to.

Of course, the OP may be right - her husband may be clueless. But truly clueless husbands are rather outnumbered by husbands who are considered clueless.

If you can afford to go, I would go.

Get the children to do some admin, supervise if you’d feel better, but get them to do it.

Have one last horray with the kids and in years to come you will look back and be grateful you went.

Seriously: why won’t you let them go without you? Wanting them to stay seems pretty selfish and nasty. Even the kids could go by themselves.

Go, and have a fabulous time!

You seem to have hit yourself ‘stuck’ on the logistics. That happens to me too, but if you JFDI (just fucking do it) you will feel the same relief as if you cancelled.

NYC is gorgeous in Spring, your Ds’s will love it, I know all the planning is a pain but you will step off that plane and feel the buzz and uplift!

Statue of Liberty against a crisp blue sky? See all your favourite movie locations? Eat in a proper diner…

Is the crime rate in New York that bad? It used to be awful and then improved considerably. We went in 2000 with two young teens and walked everywhere with no issues. As long as we kept to the main streets it was fine.

We tagged a visit onto a longer holiday and I was a bit reluctant, but thought it was amazing in the end and would love to go again.

I'm sorry but I do think YABU to cancel at such a late stage. But, there is NO reason why all of the admin and stress should be on you. Write a list of all that is worrying you, sit down with the others and agree a fair split of all the tasks. Get them to do any remaining admin, research activities etc. Then you can think about how you'll be happier leaving your dog, e.g. contacting sympathetic friends and family who could help.

My DH used to be like this in that he could never focus on an upcoming holiday until it was literally days away, at which point I'm pulling my hair out with stress and loads of stuff is too late to book. One year I read him the riot act and things have got better since, hopefully can be the same for you.

Is also see it through - the dog will be fine for a few days, it’s not as if it’s kennels for 14 nights.

I would also simultaneously plan a nice dog friendly week (possibly at home!) with lots of dog walks and pub lunches and no kids x