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AIBU?

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Original poster

Newborn baby. Partner weed habit

209 replies

Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 20:53

Firstly, it’s a fairly new relationship and we don’t live together but he’s staying with me while he’s in paternity leave. PL is being treated like a holiday though. He’s sleeping all night and smoking weed all day. I’ve known all along that he smokes it, but not to this extent. He’s said he has no intention of stopping.
I’m so over this now. I want my home back and to get my life back, get out of the house and see my friends and family without him worrying about having a smoke. He’s clearly quite reliant on it. He doesn’t cook or clean while I’m feeding or calming the baby.
Problem is, he’s such a nice man. Not a bad bone in his body, so I don’t want to hurt him.
This is his first baby yet when I suggested he did some research about baby’s needs etc, he didn’t want to. He said ‘I can just teach him’. Well I’ve gone off the idea of all this now.
How do I gently tell him that it’s not working?
How do i sort out him seeing the baby? As there’s not a chance in hell he’s seeing the baby without me!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 03/03/2022 18:45

Well done, OP. I for one, will not criticise you for having a baby with a waster. My dgd's father is a waster, but she is absolutely gorgeous. Enjoy motherhood

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 03/03/2022 18:45

I’m feeling a bit anxious about my first night completely alone. Baby still feeds a lot during the night. Can be very lonely

OP posts:
HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 03/03/2022 18:55

It’s good that you’ve told him to leave. Well done.

Please do sort out some good contraception. You can’t be falling pregnant each time you get into a new relationship with a man you barely know.

This is not judgement. It really isn’t.

Mamette · 03/03/2022 18:56

You will be ok OP. It’s tough on your own and yes it can be lonely. But you will also have wonderful times ahead with your baby.

You can absolutely do this Flowers

HelloDaisy · 03/03/2022 19:39

Well done in making a stand. You are strong even if you can’t see that just now and will manage on your own as you’ve just stood up for yourself and your new, gorgeous baby,bsomething that lots of other mothers fail to do.

I am sure it will be tough and also lonely at times but better to be doing it this way than having the added stress of him smoking dope and sitting around doing nothing whilst you look after him and the baby.

Do you have friends or relatives you can lean on for a bit? Or see if there is a sure start service in your local council.

Sending love and strength to you xx

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 03/03/2022 19:43

I’m very lucky in that I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. This too shall pass, as they say

OP posts:
BornBlonde · 03/03/2022 19:45

You have done the right thing OP. You'll be fine, just cosy up with your precious baby & your home

ImInStealthMode · 03/03/2022 20:07

Well done OP. If he's upset as he says about not seeing the baby then he'll be back, without the weed. If he's not then you'll be even more certain you've done the right thing.

I'm sorry if my earlier posts were judgemental but sadly I've seen friends fall into the same trap and not climb back out. Well done you for taking control x

Frollop · 03/03/2022 20:16

That's such good news OP! You should be proud of yourself.
I think you should consider Talking therapies via the NHS as it sounds like you have been through alot and your self esteem has been damaged. So glad you have a good support network.
Don't doubt yourself, take one day at a time and remember you can do this. You deserve to be treated with respect and live in a supportive and happy environment with your lovely baby x

Lampface · 03/03/2022 20:19

@Saltnsugar

Some of these comments were very helpful. Others, not so much. I did it anyway. He’s gone home. He was really upset that he won’t get to see the baby, but I explained I needed some space and the weed usage was way out of control. He’s said he’ll stop… I hope he will. But I can’t put all my eggs in that basket
YES OP well done! Now you get to enjoy your gorgeous new baby in your own bed, with your own space. Hope the first night goes well. If things get difficult tomorrow being alone give a friend or a family member a call and see if someone can sit with you. All the best OP Flowers
DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 03/03/2022 20:28

You've got this OP 💪

Just one child to look after now.

RobertaFirmino · 03/03/2022 20:28

@Saltnsugar

I’m feeling a bit anxious about my first night completely alone. Baby still feeds a lot during the night. Can be very lonely
Some women spend every night alone with a baby. They are all still alive. You've just got to get on with it - it isn't an exceptional circumstance, it is simply the way things are for millions of women all around the world. Your feelings now have to come second to the baby's needs.

I understand that I sound harsh but unfortunately, that's how life is.

Bromse · 03/03/2022 20:35

It can't be that new a relationship if you had a baby with this nice man. I think what you mean is he is 'pleasant'.

The idea of paternity leave is for the father to help and bond with the baby, do things for the mother while she gets back on her feet, prepare meals, shopping and some housework.

He does nothing! He's just not at work. He might as well be at his own home rather than cluttering up yours. Tell him to go home and he can visit his child but not smoke around her. I presume he likes his baby even if he doesn't do much. How old is he?

Bromse · 03/03/2022 20:38

@Saltnsugar

I’m very lucky in that I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. This too shall pass, as they say
I see he has gone. Good. Maybe he will now grow up. I'm glad you have good friends and family and, as you say, this will pass.

All the very best to you and your baby.

Gowithme · 03/03/2022 20:43

Wow well done OP, not everyone would have the strength to do that so hats off to you for doing the right thing and telling him he has to leave. Be very gentle with yourself and really lean on all that wonderful support you have around you. It's scary going it alone, especially when it's all so new. Just take one day at a time and keep moving forward.

Littlepaws18 · 04/03/2022 00:27

I'm so glad you did this! It's such an important time with your baby and nothing should ruin it. Though from what you say of your response, all he seems to be bothered about is him, and him not being able to see the baby- not the fact that he's spent the last few days as an unhelpful dependent, taking advantage of your good nature. Weed is a problem but it's definitely not his only issue. Make sure you remind him of that. Selfishness is not attractive or desirable.

Superhanz · 04/03/2022 08:41

@Prettybubblesintheair

You will lose your baby if the house smells of weed when the midwife/health visitor come and your house WILL smell of weed even if he only smokes outside he will stink of it and so will his hands. They won’t care that it’s only him who smokes they’ll only care that you’re not protecting your baby from contact with a drug user. Sod “how to tell him” you’re a mother now, time to put on your big girl pants and tell him to get the fuck out. He’s only nice because he’s fucking stoned. You are at major risk of an SS intervention and if you are allowing him to live with you SS are going to want to remove your baby. He doesn’t get unsupervised access unless he engages with rehab and drug testing and this all needs to be tied up legally. Get him out NOW no “oh but he’s so nice” nice people don’t get stoned all day.
Give over. OP isn't going to lose her baby because her boyfriend smokes weed. I hear it all on here 🙄
Prettybubblesintheair · 04/03/2022 10:24

Wow aren’t you cool.

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 04/03/2022 16:31

@Prettybubblesintheair what a bizarre thing to say

OP posts:
Bromse · 04/03/2022 16:58

Rubbish, Prettybubblesintheair. Do you not think many social workers smoke weed sometimes? I can assure you they often do. In any case, the baby's father does not live with the op.

Againstmachine · 04/03/2022 17:52

Well done for leaving, it is crazy in here though how many women have children/marry druggies and then complain they are druggies.

Lampface · 04/03/2022 17:53

How did the first night, @Saltnsugar?

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 04/03/2022 17:55

@Lampface it was lovely thank you. Didn’t get much sleep, as expected with a newborn! But lovely, all the same

OP posts:
Lampface · 04/03/2022 17:55

@Saltnsugar fab to hear. It can only go up from here Smile

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 04/03/2022 17:56

@Lampface absolutely. Thanks for checking in

OP posts: