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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn baby. Partner weed habit

209 replies

Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 20:53

Firstly, it’s a fairly new relationship and we don’t live together but he’s staying with me while he’s in paternity leave. PL is being treated like a holiday though. He’s sleeping all night and smoking weed all day. I’ve known all along that he smokes it, but not to this extent. He’s said he has no intention of stopping.
I’m so over this now. I want my home back and to get my life back, get out of the house and see my friends and family without him worrying about having a smoke. He’s clearly quite reliant on it. He doesn’t cook or clean while I’m feeding or calming the baby.
Problem is, he’s such a nice man. Not a bad bone in his body, so I don’t want to hurt him.
This is his first baby yet when I suggested he did some research about baby’s needs etc, he didn’t want to. He said ‘I can just teach him’. Well I’ve gone off the idea of all this now.
How do I gently tell him that it’s not working?
How do i sort out him seeing the baby? As there’s not a chance in hell he’s seeing the baby without me!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2022 21:48

I’m trying to put my baby first!

That's not true at all, is it? If it were true, he would already be long gone. Stop making excuses and start acting in the best interests of your child.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2022 21:49

@Saltnsugar

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable
That you can't have the baby around someone who constantly smokes weed. That he needs to move back to wherever he came from.

And you need to register with the CSA to get him to support his child

Doanythingforlove · 02/03/2022 21:50

Where is he when he is smoking weed all day?

You don’t have to tell him gently. That is not going to work. Tell him clearly and directly what you want and stick by it. Have a plan for what to do if he doesn’t take any notice.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 02/03/2022 21:54

You tell him he needs to go home and that henceforth when he comes to visit his child at your invitation that he needs to a) not have smoked for 12 hours b) be wearing clean clothes c) not smoke anywhere around your kid.

Quite frankly OP I'm agog that your 'mama bear' instinct hasn't kicked in enough to just kick him out. I'm also assuming you've managed to keep him out the house when your HV has been.

Put your baby first.

GrazingSheep · 02/03/2022 21:55

I really hope you’re a troll and that there isn’t a baby.

whynotwhatknot · 02/03/2022 21:56

Second hand smoke op look it up its a thing

tell him its not working out and until he stops he cant see his child

LIZS · 02/03/2022 21:59

Send him back wherever he came from. He should not need your input to offer to cook, clean, hold the baby, give you a break , let alone have the luxury of sleep as he chooses. Even aside from his weed habit. If having a newborn does not curtail it, nothing will.

Cakecakecheese · 02/03/2022 22:00

@Saltnsugar

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable
There are no magic words that will turn him into the man you want him to be.
MaryStuart · 02/03/2022 22:03

@Saltnsugar

He isn’t exactly housetrained… can’t cook! Good reasons we don’t live together
How old is this specimen?
QweenBea · 02/03/2022 22:03

Look, he doesn't live wiy you and has a job so he will be off soon. This is when you can tell him you don't want him about

Prettybubblesintheair · 02/03/2022 22:04

You will lose your baby if the house smells of weed when the midwife/health visitor come and your house WILL smell of weed even if he only smokes outside he will stink of it and so will his hands. They won’t care that it’s only him who smokes they’ll only care that you’re not protecting your baby from contact with a drug user. Sod “how to tell him” you’re a mother now, time to put on your big girl pants and tell him to get the fuck out. He’s only nice because he’s fucking stoned. You are at major risk of an SS intervention and if you are allowing him to live with you SS are going to want to remove your baby. He doesn’t get unsupervised access unless he engages with rehab and drug testing and this all needs to be tied up legally. Get him out NOW no “oh but he’s so nice” nice people don’t get stoned all day.

Calmdown14 · 02/03/2022 22:05

I would tell him first thing. Get it over with. Or even now if he is with it.
Just say: we both knew this wouldn't be easy as we never really planned this. I need my own space before we fall out and as we have a baby together the most important thing is for us to get on
Could you go home now for a few days?

You know it's forever but you don't necessarily have to say that. I wouldn't rip apart what he isn't doing. What will it achieve?
You have realised you don't want him and a dependency like he has won't change over night so for now, just get him out while things are civil. Address the rest later.

The lack of independence and motivation may be to your advantage as you don't want him having your baby alone

RobynMyEmployer · 02/03/2022 22:06

You tell him he needs to go home and that henceforth when he comes to visit his child at your invitation that he needs to not have smoked for 12 hours.

I wonder how mothers that smoke deal with this issue? It's not something I've ever thought about being a non smoker who doesn't really want kids. They can't even wait until night as the baby could wake up and they wouldn't be able to tend to it for 12 hours!

HonestwithHope1 · 02/03/2022 22:08

Here's what could happen

You will give in because he's 'such a nice man' and you've clearly had shit relationships/low self esteem in past...you're scared of being alone

The dysfunctional family legacy will utterly f up (with a very strong statistic) of your own kids being the stereotypical feckless 🤷‍♀️ all the while you give every excuse under the sun for how the rest of your life and kid(s) life turned to shit.

There's a lot in life that isn't a choice and even if you do all the right things, problems can still be there. That doesn't mean you should go looking for things to make your life deliberately shitter. Let alone inflict those on a child.

If you want your child to be a functioning adult. Increase the chances. Be a parent and tell the feckless daddy to clear off.

Like it or not. Going it alone initially is the only good outcome otherwise be prepared for the, quite frankly- stereotype of an underclass, life with this guy and all the problems he will bring.

Thedogscollar · 02/03/2022 22:11

@FastFood

God the bar is so low for men...
Christ this bar is so low it's buried under the floor. Get rid OP he will bring nothing absolutely nothing to your life or your baby's.
Outhouse71421 · 02/03/2022 22:13

Just tell him straight and explain why. There's nothing in it for you, really.

gah2teenagers · 02/03/2022 22:14

You are going to lose your baby if you can’t put it first. Or go through a world of ongoing pain. Don’t put him on the birth certificate. Throw him out now and good luck with your future there is a lot of help out there for you when you get through this.

DisorganisedAlways · 02/03/2022 22:14

I would say something along the lines of:

"Our relationship isn't working. As much as I care about you, our baby is my priority. The baby and I need support and you're not providing it. I think it's best you move back into yours as you're not making use of the paternity leave by helping me and the baby".

If he protests etc just stay firm - "I really think it's the best decision for now".

If he is serious about being a dad, he can still be a very good dad but that doesn't mean he needs to be in a relationship with you or love with you. But the current situation cannot continue.

Congratulations on your baby 🌸

Doanythingforlove · 02/03/2022 22:14

Are you sharing a bed with him?

Tsuni · 02/03/2022 22:16

You tell him, " You need to leave tonight. You are harming our daughters health and life"

Mamette · 02/03/2022 22:17

I’d be really worried about SIDS. Sorry, I know that’s a terrible thing to say. But I would.

Honestly how can you put this guy’s potential hurt feelings over the well-being of your tiny baby?

DonnyBurrito · 02/03/2022 22:18

If this isn't a wind up... Continue to breastfeed for as long as possible. It's the best thing for your baby in many ways. He won't be able to have the baby on his own if he can't feed him, especially not overnight or anything.

Readytopop2022x · 02/03/2022 22:19

@Saltnsugar

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable
Just tell him gently "look, it's not me, it really is you, and could you kindly leave. Thanks" 🤣 in all seriousness, you just need to tell him exactly what you've told us. This isn't for you, it's not working and it's best he goes home. If you want to be a dad to our child then you can visit regularly with a proper schedule and take it from there! Xx
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 02/03/2022 22:20

@Saltnsugar

he doesn’t know HOW to help. I’m breastfeeding so baby obviously knows me and my smell so settles for me.
I breastfed and after I fed my baby my DP winded her. Whilst I was feeding he would do some tidying make a cup of tea. There's plenty he could do. Tbf my DP spent quite a bit of pat leave playing computer but that was because DD was feeding or sleeping but he'd make sure the flat was tidy and meals were cooked.
Lampface · 02/03/2022 22:20

Why do people on MN think 'ltb' is an appropriate way to answer a post where the OP is asking advice on how to get him to leave? Like yes congratulations you've picked up on what OP wants to do yet you're managing to be absolutely no help.

OP, tell him with a family member there just in case he turns nasty. Make it clear that any texts etc are about baby. Claim child maintenance and keep visits up to 2hrs with you there, possibly with a family member to support for the first few. You've got this, good luck.