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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn baby. Partner weed habit

209 replies

Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 20:53

Firstly, it’s a fairly new relationship and we don’t live together but he’s staying with me while he’s in paternity leave. PL is being treated like a holiday though. He’s sleeping all night and smoking weed all day. I’ve known all along that he smokes it, but not to this extent. He’s said he has no intention of stopping.
I’m so over this now. I want my home back and to get my life back, get out of the house and see my friends and family without him worrying about having a smoke. He’s clearly quite reliant on it. He doesn’t cook or clean while I’m feeding or calming the baby.
Problem is, he’s such a nice man. Not a bad bone in his body, so I don’t want to hurt him.
This is his first baby yet when I suggested he did some research about baby’s needs etc, he didn’t want to. He said ‘I can just teach him’. Well I’ve gone off the idea of all this now.
How do I gently tell him that it’s not working?
How do i sort out him seeing the baby? As there’s not a chance in hell he’s seeing the baby without me!

OP posts:
RobynMyEmployer · 02/03/2022 21:25

Sounds like you're looking after two babies!

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 21:25

He isn’t exactly housetrained… can’t cook! Good reasons we don’t live together

OP posts:
Maireas · 02/03/2022 21:26

@Saltnsugar

This pregnancy wasn’t planned, would you believe!

I would believe

Allelbowsandtoes · 02/03/2022 21:26

@Saltnsugar

I am tempted to contact SS myself
What would you expect them to do? Even if they weren't horrendously stretched, a man smoking too much weed and doing fuck all to help with a newborn isn't a case for children's services. Leaving aside the fact that you've been with this man for at least 10 months and not known him well enough to know he smokes weed all day (!?), your best option now is to kick him out, get your house back and sort out visitation with him. Then you'll only have one child to look after. Good luck.
Horriblewoman · 02/03/2022 21:27

Is he 12?

Come on, any adult knows how to help around the house and I'd like to think would try and learn so they can help their child and mother of their child if not.

firstimemamma · 02/03/2022 21:28

He sounds awful op, the not knowing 'how' to help is a cop out. Plenty of women breastfeed and have their husbands / partners do everything for them and the baby. You really need to get yourself away from this man - for one thing the smell of him is going to be bad for your baby's health. Put the baby first here please.

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 21:30

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 02/03/2022 21:30

If weed causes psychosis when smoked from teenage years, imagine the damage it’s doing to your baby!
Harmful chemicals are exhaled by a smoker for up to 24hrs after just one cigarette. So goodness knows what you and your baby are breathing in!
He isn’t good, he doesn’t care about you or your baby

SparkleSpangle · 02/03/2022 21:31

He can help and is choosing not to by acting useless. Nobody tells you these things need doing you just know and do them. He knows and doesn't. Get rid.

FastFood · 02/03/2022 21:32

God the bar is so low for men...

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2022 21:33

Oh god.

What are you doing?

Lockheart · 02/03/2022 21:34

A new relationship.
A man who lacks basic life skills.
You don't live together.
A weed habit
An unplanned pregnancy.

And you wonder why things aren't working out?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/03/2022 21:34

Course he knows how to help. Women automatically know how to do all this shit so why do men get away with being useless? He's just a lazy useless fuck.

MrsJBaptiste · 02/03/2022 21:34

It's a fairly new relationship and you have a newborn? FFS.

Xpologog · 02/03/2022 21:35

@Saltnsugar

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable
You say: “You are not being an active father to x. You are not being a partner to me. You don’t help. You smoke weed all day. Go back to your own home and we’ll think about where we go from here” Or “ I don’t want a dope head near me or my baby. Your stuff is on the doorstep” Then you get the locks changed.
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2022 21:36

@Saltnsugar

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable
“Please go home. You’re not helping and it would be easier without you here under my feet while I’ll trying to look after our baby. If you want to arrange seeing her once you’ve dealt with your addiction you can contact me but our relationship is over. Time to pack your stuff and go home”.
RandomMess · 02/03/2022 21:36

Just tell him it isn't working and you don't want to be with someone that is addicted to weed (he'll deny that so change it to someone who smokes weed).

CourtRand · 02/03/2022 21:38

I'd ask a family member to come round for safety and then I would just tell him.

'It's not working out and I'd like you to return to staying at your own home. Looking after a newborn is hard and you're not helping and in fact making it harder. Contact me when you are willing to stop smoking weed.'

Maireas · 02/03/2022 21:39

@Saltnsugar

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable

"Who are you and what are you doing in my house? Leave or I'll call the police. Oh and you smell of weed and it's rank."

CJsGoldfish · 02/03/2022 21:39

This pregnancy wasn’t planned, would you believe!

Not really but that's neither here nor there now.
You have a baby who deserves far more than this. Did you really think he'd change just because you had a baby?

Now is the time to put the person who counts the most here, first.

Notwithittoday · 02/03/2022 21:40

How old are you both? He sounds like he’s 18.
Just get him out of your house

Clovacloud · 02/03/2022 21:41

Just say you need some rest and for him to go home now. It sounds like you’ve not been out of hospital long Flowers He’s probably not going to be that worried as he’s not actually doing anything to help anyway.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate!

GettingItOutThere · 02/03/2022 21:41

just tell him to go

raise your standards and never have another baby with a dope head

its easier being single than being with an idiot..

FlowerTink · 02/03/2022 21:41

As someone who has seen pre-schoolers come into nurseries suffering effects and withdrawals of second hand weed, please get him out.

ImInStealthMode · 02/03/2022 21:45

@Saltnsugar

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable
Tell him simply and clearly to quit the all-day weed and pick up the housework while you're busy with the baby, or get the fuck out. Simple. If he doesn't do the first, he does the second. No questions.

As you say the baby wasn't planned and it's clearly too late now but my god the tales on here just tonight. Honestly, Women in general, if we raise the bar from even sleeping with these feckless losers then by extension there'll be no accidental pregnancies to them.