Newborn baby. Partner weed habit

[Saltnsugar]

Firstly, it’s a fairly new relationship and we don’t live together but he’s staying with me while he’s in paternity leave. PL is being treated like a holiday though. He’s sleeping all night and smoking weed all day. I’ve known all along that he smokes it, but not to this extent. He’s said he has no intention of stopping.
I’m so over this now. I want my home back and to get my life back, get out of the house and see my friends and family without him worrying about having a smoke. He’s clearly quite reliant on it. He doesn’t cook or clean while I’m feeding or calming the baby.
Problem is, he’s such a nice man. Not a bad bone in his body, so I don’t want to hurt him.
This is his first baby yet when I suggested he did some research about baby’s needs etc, he didn’t want to. He said ‘I can just teach him’. Well I’ve gone off the idea of all this now.
How do I gently tell him that it’s not working?
How do i sort out him seeing the baby? As there’s not a chance in hell he’s seeing the baby without me!

Have you actually asked him to help around the house? I mean, I know you shouldn't have to ask - I'm just trying to get my head around the situation and whether it's a case of him being just too stupid to realise that he should be doing this stuff, or whether he's actively refusing. You say you don't want to hurt him, so if that's the case I think you do need to have the conversation with him about why you're not happy.

If he's on PL, then presumably he has a job - how does he fit his weed habit around that? If he's capable of laying off the weed for a shift at work, he should be capable of laying off it for a day with you and his child, so he's actively made the choice here to spend his PL smoking rather than parenting. If you gave him an ultimatum, what do you think he would actually choose?

In terms of telling him, I think I would say 'OK, I know you were planning to spend your PL staying here, but I honestly think it would be easier for me and the baby if you went back home, because at the moment you're not really helping with anything and I want to be able to see family and friends and do things with the baby without your smoking getting in the way.'

With regards to him seeing the baby, looking after him/her alone probably isn't something you need to worry about right now, as you're breastfeeding and can't be away from your baby for long anyway, and he would probably be terrified of having to look after the baby solo anyway, given that he wouldn't even read up on how to care for one. Do you want to stay friendly/amicable with him? How much actual interest does he have in the baby, because at the moment it sounds like he's not actually very bothered about being a dad.

@Saltnsugar

I’m trying to put my baby first! I need you to tell me how to tell him! I’m hormonal and feeling vulnerable

People on the internet arn't going to know your partner and therefore know exactly how to break the news to him. But just tell him what you've told us - that he's not really helping, you don't like the weed smoking and they he needs to leave. You don't need to get into an argument about it, although it could well turn into one. And if it does ask your family to come over to help you get rid of him.

OP your pretty much doing this on your own already, if he doesn't step up and be a dad and stop smoking then he shouldn't be around the baby at all

What an absolute waste of space. Get rid. Put your baby first. If you don’t know how to broach the subject - give him a letter and then go for a walk . Tell him you’ll be back in an hour, please pack your stuff and go. You could also try councilling an online session? It might help to have a 3rd person in on the act so to speak.

If you can't get him to leave, tell him to get out or you'll call the police to remove him. He'll bugger off then.

You need to get him out, he's not a nice person. He's high all the time, you don't even know him.

Pathetic. I broke up with the father of dd1 before she was born and he still quit smoking pot as soon as she was here. It was a 15 year habit but he did it because of reading about cot death and the chemicals clinging to his clothes and skin.

Can I also add that he still has the potential to be a good dad if he grows up - it might be the thing that makes him do that. You can co-parent OP and, although it's not your job to teach him how to do it, it would help your confidence around him having access if he learns to do things your way, the way you know works best for your baby, all their little cues and likes/dislikes etc.
In my situation we did all access in my home - after paternity leave ended he would come two evenings after work and every weekend. After DD1 was combined feeding and no longer breast only (about 8 months) he was driving her to his family's house or for days out, sometimes we'd go all together. Those early days he really needs to be learning everything. Rather than booting him out while paternity leave is still going on, which might make it all unnecessarily hostile as he might panic he's losing access to his child, insist on him doing certain useful things. Spell it out for him. Breaking up doesn't mean you can't co-parent successfully. It will benefit you all in the long run if you can facilitate that.

If you want keep him as far away from you and the baby as possible, then at the VERY least ve extremely vigilant about safe sleeping guidelines.

You need to put your baby first, not him, and not yourself or your feelings.

He's not nice and he doesn't actually like you.

If I saw the old lady across the road struggling to put her Wheely bin out, I'd run over and help.

He watches you - not a vague acquaintance - struggle. Struggle to stay awake, clean, cook, do laundry. He watches and doesn't give a shit.

Even my 3 yo niece runs and says 'help mummy ' when she sees her emptying the grocery bags etc.

If a 3 yo can see what needs doing, but this guy can't, then he's broken.

You mention paternity leave @Saltnsugar so presumably he has a job? And as doesn't live with you I assume he has a home. Both positive things for you.

Tell him to leave now. Tell him whatever you need to to get him out (tell him the neighbours can smell his weed and will report you to SS). Get a family member to come for support if he kicks up a fuss.

Nip this shit in the bud.

Let him take you to court for access.

If must facilitate this man in your DC life then is there anywhere mutual he can see the baby (his parents / your parents) for a few hours a week? Ultimately though if the drugs don't stop you'll need to make some tough choices re: his access to your child.

You say it's a new relationship - but you have had a baby with someone without getting to know the bloke well enough.

He doesn't work
Sits in your home smoking dope all day

Does nothing with or for the baby
Doesn't cook, clean or help you with anything.

He's not a nice man, he's an idle smackhead who is living off benefits that working people have to pay towards. He adds nothing to your life. He'll never be a decent partner or father.

Have you asked him to help around the house?

Come off it.

Anyone over the age of 12 can clearly see housework happening around them. Some people then decide 'that's her job' (her being mum/partner/daughter/sister) then ignore it.

It's not a complicated chemistry equation.

It's hoovering, mopping, scrubbing the toilet, shower, washing up & putting it away, laundry, buying grocery and putting it away, taking bins out. Planning meals, buying the ingredients, cooking the meals, cleaning up after. Picking up a crying baby, checking if the nappy is full. If it is, changing it.

Even making cups of tea.

If after doing all that he doesn't know what to do, that's something different.

Please go home. You’re not helping and it would be easier without you here under my feet while I’ll trying to look after our baby. If you want to arrange seeing her once you’ve dealt with your addiction you can contact me but our relationship is over. Time to pack your stuff and go home”.

This! And it’s dangerous for him to be anywhere near the baby smelling of weed and/ or tobacco.

Good job the baby only settles for you!

It doesn’t matter how you tell him to leave, as long as he leaves.

And I agree it’s bloody obvious how to help. The housework is there in front of him. He must know meals come three times a day? He should be making them, and bringing you hot/ cold drinks and snacks when you’re bf ing.

That’s what a nice person would do. He doesn’t sound nice.

@ThisBloodyNoiseInMyHead He's on Paternity Leave so presumably does work. Other than that though, valid points.

You didn’t live with him or know the extent of his habit before having a baby with him? There’s the problem.
This is what your life will look like going forward and what your child’s life will look like.
There is nothing attractive about a lazy stoner.
Get some control of your life and get out of this relationship and give the child the upbringing they deserve, and don’t go for manky stoners again.
My friend is in the middle of a rocky relationship with a guy like this and he sleeps all day and games all night. She doesn’t wanna leave him because he’s such a nice guy….yeah a nice guy who can’t put his family first or function as part of society. Yuck.

You can do this OP. You just need to explain that the current situation is not working out and that although this situation was not planned, you have both brought a baby into it so you BOTH need to step up, not just you. Your baby can’t advocate for itself, so you need to advocate for them.

You really can do this.

@Littlepaws18

You have just given birth! It's painful, your body needs to adjust physically and mentally- and your sleeping downstairs?!!! Baby in a Moses basket?!! ( this isn't the best or safest way for a baby to sleep btw)

He maybe a nice guy but he's an awful dad and partner. If he can't give you support practically as well as emotionally when you are at your most vulnerable then what hope is there? Smoking weed anywhere near your home is utterly disrespectful, selfish and dangerous for your newborn (even if it's in the back garden) tomorrow you need to kick him out- you don't need a big row- just explain the facts- you aren't helping, you are making the environment dangerous for a newborn, i need you out. Then use your time to bond with your incredible baby xx

What is the safest way for a baby to sleep? No HV or midwife ever told me that Moses baskets were unsafe for a newborn.

@Saltnsugar is he out of the house now?

@ThisBloodyNoiseInMyHead

You say it's a new relationship - but you have had a baby with someone without getting to know the bloke well enough.

He doesn't work
Sits in your home smoking dope all day

Does nothing with or for the baby
Doesn't cook, clean or help you with anything.

He's not a nice man, he's an idle smackhead who is living off benefits that working people have to pay towards. He adds nothing to your life. He'll never be a decent partner or father.

Hes a stoner, not a heroin addict.

Congratulations on your new baby. Send this man home, just tell him kindly its not working out for you and that he can still see baby but not live with you. You say he is a nice guy and so he will go. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Give baby your surname. Claim child support. When he has gone think about how he can see baby safely without him getting his feet under your table again. Perhaps meet him in a park or cafe on a Saturday. Keep him out of your home at all costs.

Some of these comments were very helpful. Others, not so much.
I did it anyway. He’s gone home. He was really upset that he won’t get to see the baby, but I explained I needed some space and the weed usage was way out of control. He’s said he’ll stop… I hope he will. But I can’t put all my eggs in that basket

Wait and see if he steps up. Enjoy your baby in the meantime.

Congratulations on your new baby!
I hope the feeding is going okay, get some nipple cream and nipple protectors if you need.

In terms of your partner, we'll done on getting him out of the house for now.
Honestly you can deal with a split at another time, I think its enough he's out of the house and you can concentrate on what matters more right now which is your mental health and of course new baby.

One step at a time. Well done!

Well done you! I hope things get better for you and your baby. He has to grow up now, whether he will or not is down to him. Concentrate on yourself and your little one for now.