Newborn baby. Partner weed habit

[Saltnsugar]

Firstly, it’s a fairly new relationship and we don’t live together but he’s staying with me while he’s in paternity leave. PL is being treated like a holiday though. He’s sleeping all night and smoking weed all day. I’ve known all along that he smokes it, but not to this extent. He’s said he has no intention of stopping.
I’m so over this now. I want my home back and to get my life back, get out of the house and see my friends and family without him worrying about having a smoke. He’s clearly quite reliant on it. He doesn’t cook or clean while I’m feeding or calming the baby.
Problem is, he’s such a nice man. Not a bad bone in his body, so I don’t want to hurt him.
This is his first baby yet when I suggested he did some research about baby’s needs etc, he didn’t want to. He said ‘I can just teach him’. Well I’ve gone off the idea of all this now.
How do I gently tell him that it’s not working?
How do i sort out him seeing the baby? As there’s not a chance in hell he’s seeing the baby without me!

Run Run Run. Trust me, this will only get worse. Thank god you're not married, you have more control over this situation than most. You are not married and it's your house. Help him pack his bags and set up boundaries for a relationship with your child and move on. You have a future free of this.

@Saltnsugar

I am tempted to contact SS myself

I'm genuinely not sure this is an SS matter. If he's doing more than what you've said, they'll ask him to leave. People make the mistake of thinking SS are there to help their problems as adults, it's much simpler to just ask that he move out.

You sit him down and tell him he isnt staying over. That he can come during the day or meet you for trips out.

@Lampface

Honestly I don't get what people on this site get from being horrible to people in difficult situations. How on earth does that strike you as the right thing to do? Or have you never made a mistake, ever?

'Mistakes' are leaving the supermarket without paying for something, or forgetting world book day.

A mistake might even be lashing out and shouting at the kids while under stress, or developing feelings for a colleague while your marriage is in a rough patch. We've seen them all here.

Bringing a entire human person who deserves a stable, healthy and calm home and life into the world with a lazy pot-head waster you've known 10 minutes is more than a mistake, it's irresponsible and immature and this poor brand new baby is already lumped with the consequences of that for their entire life, which can only be mitigated in any way if OP stops dithering about him being a nice man and starts making the rights decisions NOW.

Day after day we see Women come here with tales of woe about Men they ALREADY KNEW were unreliable and lazy before they had a baby, accidental or not. We talk all the time about Men needing to recognise that a baby can result from sex and to take precautions if they don't want one. How about we start hammering home to Women the fact that a baby can also result from sex with an abject fucking loser, so if you really must shag one, take appropriate precautions. (or ideally, raise your bar for sexual partners across the board).

We are lucky in much of the West to have hard fought and won choices as Women, we should learn to use them.

He's on paternity leave and hasn't so much as made food or cleaned up. He's smoking weed all day when he should be spending time with you and his child. He's certainly nothing close to a nice man. Don't confuse non violent / aggressive with bring nice.

Simply put, tell him to sling his hook. He'll be too doped off his skull to offer to pay child support or ask for visitation so you want to get maintenance sorted through proper channels

You're already doing this alone and it sounds like you're doing amazingly. Getting rid of him will probably make things easier. There'll be less stress.

I do agree with some pps that it is getring really tedious and frustrating reading threads on here where the woman starts it as "oh he is the loveliest person in the world but he hits me or smokes or doesnt contribute anything..."

Because the two are completely contradicting and its clear as day why some men get away with murder when alot of womens mentality is that they can be useless twats but still be considered saints. I dont know why but there seems to be an increase in these type of threads recently and its just depressing to see people not know their own worth or be able to see how crappy the guy is clearly being.

I really hope you actually have the strength to leave him op. Weed smoke is not good for a baby and having a draining man child isnt good for your health either. I get your feeling emotionally vunerable but there is no need to make this into a bigget ordeal than it has to be. Just word it kindly and you will be fine.

"This isnt working out i'd like for you to move out please." Heck you dont even have to be that sweet about it since it is your house.

I dont really get why you are trying to be so considerate of someones feelings when they obviously dont give a damn about yours since he doesnt lift a finger ....

Total waster. Imagine your lovely new baby smelling of weed. You don't have to.

Hes not a nice man, he's a stoner.
How can you let this man pollute your house & harm your newborn baby?

It sounds like you're doing all the work and he's doing F* all citing "I don't know" & "you're so good at it" as his reasoning- deliberate incompetence to get out of shared responsibilities is deeply unattractive.

@Saltnsugar

I am tempted to contact SS myself

Why? They'll do nothing about it it's outside the house just say it's easier for you not to live together, you need to concentrate on your new baby and as others have said arrange times he can see baby.

Tell him to leave. "Look, this isn't working. You need to leave".

Get a friend or family member to come over later and tell him he needs to be gone by the time they arrive.

If he's still there when they come, ask him to leave again in front of them.

If he refuses to leave, call the police.

"Problem is, he’s such a nice man."

doesn't sound like it

Why do women have such appalling low standards?

Jesus wept OP, send him out to the shops and lock him out. Put his stuff on the doorstep and a note saying Bye dopehead.

@BoodleBug51

Oh no. That’s victim blaming now.

🙄

I think you can do this in a nice way but it does need to be done. And actually it could be the biggest gift you ever give him because as it stands he's high all day with no consequences.

So I would start with:

This is not how I envisioned the first few weeks of my baby's life to be, or that this would be the level of support I'd receive.
I did expect that during your paternity leave you wouldn't be high, you would instead be cooking meals, running errands, changing nappies and fetching me things that I need.
It's really difficult to be around someone who isn't sober. It's similar to being around a drunk person when you haven't had a drink. I'm finding it too difficult at a time when I really need hands on support.
I can't tell you to quit smoking weed but I can tell you that your weed usage is not something I want in my current present or my future. You have the right to smoke weed but I reserve the right to not want to be around it.
I'm sorry but please could you return to your home. Perhaps you can visit the baby at times when you haven't been smoking. But I need my space back now.

How does that sound to your OP? It's not overtly aggressive, think it's clear you're saying you aren't meeting my expectations, asking him to leave but putting the ball in his court about visiting when not high.

Do you think approaching that way might work?

He helps by looking after you.

He doesn't need to cook to make a sandwich, bring you a drink, put a wash on, ask you if you need anything.

Lampface

Maybe because underneath the surface it's easy to translate her words into, you know what I cba fighting and he is a 'nice man'

Is he hell!

He's feckless and so far amounted to nothing and another woman is apparently seriously asking what should be done

Sorry but sympathy only goes so far. She needs to do the right thing, if not for herself, for her child who does not deserve to grow up in a shit environment. 80% likleyhood that's what will happen though and then mum will be on here in 10 years crying about her life with 2-3 kids and the oldest having 'behaviour problems'

I was in the exact same positions as you 8 years ago. I had a newborn and a partner who smoked weed all day. No help with the baby whatsoever - living to different schedules because he would stay up all night smoking weed and be unable to get up the next day (he did hold down a well paid job because he's smart and hours are flexible in his industry).

I probably would have saved myself a LOT of effort if I had just had the confidence to leave tbh. I didn't, we are actually together now and have two children. We both work full time and with regard to household stuff and childcare, I do around 65 percent of it, him around 35 percent. It is far from ideal, I still harbour a LOT of resentment and do more than my fair share of the load.

It has taken a hell of a lot of nagging, cajoling, arguing and negotiating to get us to a position where he takes responsibility for anything. He basically had no interest in his own children until they were around 2 years old and he could have a conversation with them.

Things actually came to a head when my eldest was 2 and I was doing everything, I realised that I would have to go back to work full time for 2 reasons: 1) so he was forced to take some responsbility for childcare, pickups and housework and 2) so I had some freedom and space (financially, physically and mentally). Things improved massively after this. I felt more able to assert myself and my needs and I think he actually has more appreciation and respect for me.

Still, our relationship is far from ideal. There is a lot of resentment from the past, I still consider leaving quite often and I have to constantly keep in his case or we slide back. I get sick of being the only full grown adult in this relationship and never getting to be the fun one! I feel aged before my time and worn down by it all.

On the other hand, we have 2 lovely(ish) children, I have a better career than I would have if I didn't have the pressure to try and gain some freedom and my assertiveness, negotiating and general communication kills have been vastly improved by being put to the test constantly by him. I think he is also a better man than he would be if I had just left in the begining.

I'm just giving you my experience, both sides - good and bad. I hope this gives you some insight to what things would be like, whether you decide to stay or leave. How much personal growth do you think your partner is capable of? Even if he is capable of stepping up eventually, do you want to put all this time and mental energy into changing him? How much of yourself will you give up in the process?

The thing with partners is that we pick them based on who we have fun with, who understands us, who makes us feel alive. These things don't necessarily translate into who will be a good father to your children and who will be reliable! Monogamy sucks.

@Dottdoo

I think you can do this in a nice way but it does need to be done. And actually it could be the biggest gift you ever give him because as it stands he's high all day with no consequences.

So I would start with:

This is not how I envisioned the first few weeks of my baby's life to be, or that this would be the level of support I'd receive.
I did expect that during your paternity leave you wouldn't be high, you would instead be cooking meals, running errands, changing nappies and fetching me things that I need.
It's really difficult to be around someone who isn't sober. It's similar to being around a drunk person when you haven't had a drink. I'm finding it too difficult at a time when I really need hands on support.
I can't tell you to quit smoking weed but I can tell you that your weed usage is not something I want in my current present or my future. You have the right to smoke weed but I reserve the right to not want to be around it.
I'm sorry but please could you return to your home. Perhaps you can visit the baby at times when you haven't been smoking. But I need my space back now.

How does that sound to your OP? It's not overtly aggressive, think it's clear you're saying you aren't meeting my expectations, asking him to leave but putting the ball in his court about visiting when not high.

Do you think approaching that way might work?

Brilliant post x

The thing with partners is that we pick them based on who we have fun with, who understands us, who makes us feel alive. These things don't necessarily translate into who will be a good father to your children and who will be reliable! Monogamy sucks

They are not mutually exclusive and teaching women to have high expectations and to value themselves is what guards against this. How one can be excited and stimulated by a man who clearly has no respect for you is beyond me.

My DH and I still laugh, enjoy each other’s company, fancy each other etc whilst sharing the responsibility for the house and our children. It’s been 18 years since I even looked properly at another man.

Imagine if women started rejecting these shitty men wholesale from the get go, stopped fucking them and having kids with them. Imagine how much better it would be for everyone.

A new relationship (with a dopehead) and a new baby? I despair.

What was your childhood like op? Because the issue is you view him as a nice man. People are shocked at how low your bar is and rightly so. However to understand why some women are like that we need to look at their experiences as a child. It is often though not always that a women has grown up in an environment where it’s the norm. It’s why children who grow up in awful environments tend to be victims or perpetrators of abuse as it’s their norm. In very abusive households it affects the development of the brain in children. It’s why some people are quite childlike their brain gets sort of frozen at that’s age. I’m not a psychotherapist but have had dealings with them when doing research on social policy.

You need to not only remove this man from your life and your child’s but you need to look at why you put up with this for more than one day as soon as he revealed what he is really like.

Stop making excuses for him.

He doesnt know HOW to help? Is he challenged intellectually then? Hes a grown man.

You deserve so so so so much more. This man adds absolutely NOTHING to your life. I wouldnt even say weed was your biggest problem, its him being absolutely bone idle.

@Dottdoo

I think you can do this in a nice way but it does need to be done. And actually it could be the biggest gift you ever give him because as it stands he's high all day with no consequences.

So I would start with:

This is not how I envisioned the first few weeks of my baby's life to be, or that this would be the level of support I'd receive.
I did expect that during your paternity leave you wouldn't be high, you would instead be cooking meals, running errands, changing nappies and fetching me things that I need.
It's really difficult to be around someone who isn't sober. It's similar to being around a drunk person when you haven't had a drink. I'm finding it too difficult at a time when I really need hands on support.
I can't tell you to quit smoking weed but I can tell you that your weed usage is not something I want in my current present or my future. You have the right to smoke weed but I reserve the right to not want to be around it.
I'm sorry but please could you return to your home. Perhaps you can visit the baby at times when you haven't been smoking. But I need my space back now.

How does that sound to your OP? It's not overtly aggressive, think it's clear you're saying you aren't meeting my expectations, asking him to leave but putting the ball in his court about visiting when not high.

Do you think approaching that way might work?

Good suggestions here.

You need to work out how you want your life and your baby’s life to be in the future. Are you happy to settle for someone who puts weed before you both and is currently bringing nothing to your relationship?

I get that the pregnancy wasn’t planned but your future can be so please don’t settle for something that is t good for you. Ask him to go home and only come over when he’s not high, his behaviours from then will tell you what you need to know.

Get rid. Put your baby first.

The thing with partners is that we pick them based on who we have fun with, who understands us, who makes us feel alive. These things don't necessarily translate into who will be a good father to your children and who will be reliable! Monogamy sucks

Not sure that is the way to go. Sounds like your choice of partner is t someone you have fun with and makes you feel alive if you frequently think of leaving and have to constantly be on his case to keep him behaving. He may have learnt more if you’d left him…

My previous partner was very exciting and everyone loved him. I thought I felt alive with him but it was all nervous energy not fun and sadly took me ages to figure that out.
I’ve been married for 15 years now and my dh is wonderful. He makes me laugh and we have fun together but he is also somebody I can trust to always be on my side and is a great father so our kids are thriving. That is better for allowing me to love life and blossom far more that forever worrying what my partner is up to and having to parent him…