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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn baby. Partner weed habit

209 replies

Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 20:53

Firstly, it’s a fairly new relationship and we don’t live together but he’s staying with me while he’s in paternity leave. PL is being treated like a holiday though. He’s sleeping all night and smoking weed all day. I’ve known all along that he smokes it, but not to this extent. He’s said he has no intention of stopping.
I’m so over this now. I want my home back and to get my life back, get out of the house and see my friends and family without him worrying about having a smoke. He’s clearly quite reliant on it. He doesn’t cook or clean while I’m feeding or calming the baby.
Problem is, he’s such a nice man. Not a bad bone in his body, so I don’t want to hurt him.
This is his first baby yet when I suggested he did some research about baby’s needs etc, he didn’t want to. He said ‘I can just teach him’. Well I’ve gone off the idea of all this now.
How do I gently tell him that it’s not working?
How do i sort out him seeing the baby? As there’s not a chance in hell he’s seeing the baby without me!

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/03/2022 22:20

@Doanythingforlove

Are you sharing a bed with him?
Just what I was going to ask. Seriously I hope you’re a troll, because if not I despair.
Original poster
Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 22:21

I’m sleeping downstairs and he’s upstairs.
I want to do this in my own. I’ve no desire to ever live with a man again.

OP posts:
Ugzbugz · 02/03/2022 22:21

Omg LTR and mortgage many years ago when the ridiculous life didn't matter, he said he would cut down when baby was born and again not a nasty man but got worse, over ten years later and plus separated he's still a stoner absolute snore and usless. Walk Away ASAP and remind yourself it's no different to a cocaine addiction.

FlowerTink · 02/03/2022 22:22

Where is baby sleeping if you're sleeping downstairs?

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 22:22

I’m not worried about any violence etc whatsoever. That definitely isn’t an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 22:23

@FlowerTink in the Moses basket

OP posts:
Lampface · 02/03/2022 22:24

Wtf is wrong with people? A vulnerable new mum posts asking how to get rid of a man and people call her a troll, stupid, she's stuck with him forever?? You all need a kick up the arse. It costs nothing to be kind. How is calling a new mum stupid in any way useful to her actual question?

Readytopop2022x · 02/03/2022 22:25

@Saltnsugar

I’m sleeping downstairs and he’s upstairs. I want to do this in my own. I’ve no desire to ever live with a man again.
You need to have a sit down conversation with him asap OP. You don't want to carry on living like this. Xx
DisorganisedAlways · 02/03/2022 22:30

@Saltnsugar

I’m sleeping downstairs and he’s upstairs. I want to do this in my own. I’ve no desire to ever live with a man again.
You're sleeping downstairs? As in on the settee? Why is he is your bed and you're downstairs after just having a baby? In your own house?
Starlightstarbright1 · 02/03/2022 22:31

If he isn't on bc yet don't put him on it.

Make sure baby has your surname.

Tell him he isn't helping and needs to leave..

Tell him smoking weed all day has made him lazy and apathetic..

Tell him if he wants to sort himself out then come back.. put claim into cms.. less money to spend on weed.

worriedmum2022 · 02/03/2022 22:32

@Lockheart

A new relationship. A man who lacks basic life skills. You don't live together. A weed habit An unplanned pregnancy.

And you wonder why things aren't working out?

I agree

Just tell him to get out and end it that's all you can do

Littlepaws18 · 02/03/2022 22:33

You have just given birth! It's painful, your body needs to adjust physically and mentally- and your sleeping downstairs?!!! Baby in a Moses basket?!! ( this isn't the best or safest way for a baby to sleep btw)

He maybe a nice guy but he's an awful dad and partner. If he can't give you support practically as well as emotionally when you are at your most vulnerable then what hope is there? Smoking weed anywhere near your home is utterly disrespectful, selfish and dangerous for your newborn (even if it's in the back garden) tomorrow you need to kick him out- you don't need a big row- just explain the facts- you aren't helping, you are making the environment dangerous for a newborn, i need you out. Then use your time to bond with your incredible baby xx

Beseen22 · 02/03/2022 22:41

I think if it were me I would just have a conversation and say "you came here on a temporary basis to help with the baby but I'm doing the majority of the baby care and it's not working out you staying here any longer so please make your arrangements to head home as soon as possible" I don't think I would get into a big conversation about where you stand or visitations right now you literally just had a baby and your hormones are massively changing. Get your house and bed back and give yourself time to rest and heal and then you can have these discussions.

Remember it's your house and you never asked him to move in. I would personally say that whilst you understand he has no intentions of changing his daily habit you don't particularly want the second hand smoke around your baby. I don't think I'd want to be getting into a big argument while you are so vulnerable.

All the best with your baby, sounds like things are going well with feeding, hope you get the chance to catch up on some sleep soon.

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 22:46

Thanks @Beseen22 feeding is finally getting easier! My poor nipples haven’t known what’s hit them!

OP posts:
zeg3885 · 02/03/2022 22:48

Firstly it’s pretty obvious the baby wasn’t planned from your post, not sure why people are mocking you for this, it’s not helpful. I’m sorry your in this shitty situation, with a very shitty person (and yes he is shitty!) he might seem nice to you but he sure as hell isn’t adjusting to being a parent, seems you are now the parent of a newborn and a pot head! This is a huge red flag, he’s not even able to help you never mind look after a baby independently. I take it if he’s on PL he works? If so I hope he is providing for the baby at least. You just have to be honest - “this was a short term plan after the baby was born whilst you were on PL, it’s just not working for me, your no help and I find your habit appalling, I don’t want this life for me or my child so I suggest you go back home and think about what you want from this situation, as it stands I don’t want my child being raised by someone with a drug dependency so if that’s something your willing to work on get in touch and we can discuss co parenting/visits etc” I hope you have some other support friends, family etc you can turn to, a new baby is overwhelming in itself never mind having to deal with this. You’ll absolutely manage on your own, plenty of people do it and I dare say you’ll both be better off. Best of luck x

PrinnyPree · 02/03/2022 22:50

I'm so sorry OP and as gently as possible he is not a nice man, he is a neglectful father and partner who has clearly stated to you he chooses drugs over his child and anyone who is capable of that is not nice. I hope you have a support network, he doesn't deserve your consideration. Just tell him some cold hard truths and put yourself and your beautiful new baby first. You both deserve so much more.

Jinglebellsoncake · 02/03/2022 23:01

Is this man the father of your baby?

You mentioned it was a new relationship and that you don't live together. So I was unsure?

Original poster
Saltnsugar · 02/03/2022 23:11

@Jinglebellsoncake yes he is the father.

OP posts:
RuralRita · 02/03/2022 23:27

OP First of all congratulations on your new baby but I wager he's not helping with the food or bills either is he. Nappies? I bet you're even cooking for him too.

Lots of PPs have given suggestions how you get rid of him. Think of your baby.

You can do this!

Ps. He's NOT a nice man!!

Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2022 23:32

Ffs. If this is real I truly despair.

Lampface · 02/03/2022 23:34

@Merryoldgoat

Ffs. If this is real I truly despair.
Oh I'm sorry, did you think being rude was a useful response?
theresAtablet4thatNow · 02/03/2022 23:35

Tbh, I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. I'd tell him the truth. He's not contributing, you can't deal with the non-stop smoking, and you don't want your baby to grow up in that kind of environment, exposed every day to the smoke and the poor example he's setting.

He'll get over it.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 02/03/2022 23:36

Just tell him that actually you would prefer to just be in your house with your baby as he is not helping in any way and smoking weed all day which you find unacceptable.

Get someone to be with you if you can fit moral support

BornBlonde · 02/03/2022 23:41

@Beseen22

I think if it were me I would just have a conversation and say "you came here on a temporary basis to help with the baby but I'm doing the majority of the baby care and it's not working out you staying here any longer so please make your arrangements to head home as soon as possible" I don't think I would get into a big conversation about where you stand or visitations right now you literally just had a baby and your hormones are massively changing. Get your house and bed back and give yourself time to rest and heal and then you can have these discussions.

Remember it's your house and you never asked him to move in. I would personally say that whilst you understand he has no intentions of changing his daily habit you don't particularly want the second hand smoke around your baby. I don't think I'd want to be getting into a big argument while you are so vulnerable.

All the best with your baby, sounds like things are going well with feeding, hope you get the chance to catch up on some sleep soon.

This from @Beseen22

Are you familiar with smoking risks?

Do you have a good support system?

Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2022 23:41

@Lampface

No one can be useful on this thread.

And I’m not apologising. I’m sick of the threads on here with stupid women having children without thinking with men who aren’t up to the job.

It’s fucking depressing and entirely unfair on the children who get lumbered with a useless idiot for a father.

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