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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong to send him in like this?

452 replies

Longcovid21 · 02/03/2022 10:32

Reality check needed.
Ds 10 had massive holes in his trainers which appeared out of nowhere. A few days ago I saw a sale on the vans website and so took the opportunity to buy him some nice new shoes. They look like this.
www.schuh.co.uk/kids/junior-vans-old-skool-metallic-flame-black-and-silver-trainers/2662457850/

He hates them. He says they are too showy and was crying that he wanted to wear the trainers with holes in instead. Usually I let him choose his own shoes but on this occasion I just spotted a bargain.

Was I being unreasonable to basically make him wear the shoes and tell him that if he wore shoes with holes in school may contact social services for neglect (I was feeling desperate).

He was in tears. It was stressful all around.
I need a reality check about whether I was BU to push it? Normally he has his own way but I just couldn't send him in in bad holey shoes.

OP posts:
inheritancetrack · 02/03/2022 11:17

sell them on ebay and get him something he has a choice in

Squirrelsbizaare · 02/03/2022 11:17

The ripped shoes are quite conservative, just wondering why you decided to buy the more 'showy' trainers without his consent. Has he previously shown an interest in more flamboyant clothes and footwear.

southlondoner02 · 02/03/2022 11:18

Lots of people saying they are not school shoes- they would be perfectly acceptable at my DDs non uniform school. Perhaps OPs son's school is the same.

But I do think at 10 he should get a say in choosing. They're starting to be very conscious around fitting in etc at this age

HopefulProcrastinator · 02/03/2022 11:18

Honestly, if your son doesn't come home with the new ghastly shoes ruined I'd be gobsmacked.

Plus you're exceptionally naive if you think Vans have better morals than the suppliers for Asda, Sainsbury's, Tesco etc

DahliaMacNamara · 02/03/2022 11:19

Not all kids are madly fashion-conscious and ready to pounce on the kid wearing the 'wrong' things. Don't go blaming OP for bullying little arseholes. And presumably the school allows this kind of footwear, otherwise she wouldn't have taken a punt on it.
It's a shame this bargain hunt didn't pay off, and I hope you can afford a different pair quite soon. My prediction is that if your DS continues to hate these shoes, they won't fit properly, or might swiftly develop a hole.

nearlyspringyay · 02/03/2022 11:20

I still remember the awful brown leather buckle up shoes that my made me get for school when I was about 6. I HATED those shoes, no one wore shoes like that.

There is no way his original trainers got ripped like that suddenly one day, they've been destroyed.

ChaToilLeam · 02/03/2022 11:21

I quite like them. But he’s not happy, and at that age he should have some choice what he’s wearing. I remember the horrible things my mother used to get for me, she had no taste whatsoever and I had to wear what she bought even if they rubbed blisters into my heels. 😞 Could you paint the silver bits black? Then they won’t be so obvious.

slashlover · 02/03/2022 11:21

@Longcovid21

He only has 2 pairs of shoes in total? There was literally no other option?

Yes correct. Sorry we are not as rich as you.

Nothing to do with that. I don't have a lot of money and bought my Vans (new) from a charity shop for £15.
DoNotTouchTheWater · 02/03/2022 11:21

@DahliaMacNamara

Not all kids are madly fashion-conscious and ready to pounce on the kid wearing the 'wrong' things. Don't go blaming OP for bullying little arseholes. And presumably the school allows this kind of footwear, otherwise she wouldn't have taken a punt on it. It's a shame this bargain hunt didn't pay off, and I hope you can afford a different pair quite soon. My prediction is that if your DS continues to hate these shoes, they won't fit properly, or might swiftly develop a hole.
That’s missing the point.

I’d let DS choose because it matters to him. His older brother doesn’t care about fashion, but is still particular about what he likes to wear.

It’s not about appeasing bullies or whatever; it’s allowing a 10 year old some choice over things that clear matter to him. Otherwise he wouldn’t object to the shoes his mum chose, would he?

Bobbins36 · 02/03/2022 11:22

Couldn’t you just have let him wear the holey shoes until the weekend when you both went to replace? Or chosen something together online and had them delivered in a day or so?
On a seperate note those Vans do not look appropriate as school shoes, but then again nor do trainers imo. The Vans are most likely shitty sweat shop trainers in reality too.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 02/03/2022 11:22

I voted YANBU just because I wouldn't send mine in with holey shoes. However the ones you bought are a bit jazzy for school.
I'm also looking for school shoes at the moment. I'm just going to order a pair of plain black skechers from M&M direct for my son. These are acceptable to our primary but guessing they wouldn't be for seniors. M&M have some bargains at the moment

Theresamagicalplace · 02/03/2022 11:22

@Longcovid21

He only has 2 pairs of shoes in total? There was literally no other option?

Yes correct. Sorry we are not as rich as you.

I'm farrrrr from rich! But I'd buy cheaper shoes to ensure he had more than 2 pairs. They don't need vans or branded shoes but they do need at least an extra pair to alternate so the sweat can dry between wears and stop smells and bacteria from building up. No need to get defensive.
Nelliephant1 · 02/03/2022 11:23

I couldn't have made them wear them I'm afraid. He's at an age now that he should have a say in what he wears and he knows best what grief he's likely to get from other kids at school. I'd go back to the holey ones until you can get others.

dontdoubtyourself · 02/03/2022 11:23

Surely it makes sense to let kids pick (within reason) to avoid situations like this. My 7 yo picks everything online. Would've taken 2 secs to show him your phone and ask if they'll do.

pictish · 02/03/2022 11:23

@Cocoabutterkim

The lack of imagination on this thread is something else!

Just because your kids have to wear formal ‘school shoes’ to school doesn’t mean all kids do. There are lots of schools across the country that have no uniform or even just no restrictions on shoes. It really isn’t that unusual

Schoolophiles love a school shoes debate. They think it matters. Even in primary. I don’t think school shoes even make my radar. They wore what they liked in primary and secondary are fine with boots/trainers/whatever so long as they’re mainly black.

“They are not school shoes!”, they lamented. 😆

kateg27 · 02/03/2022 11:24

So you're not rich, so instead of buying him several pairs of shoes at a cheaper price, you bought him Vans. I think you need to look at the choices you are making.

Sisisimone · 02/03/2022 11:24

Fuck me, those trainers are bad Grin
There's no way my dd school would allow them but apart from that you must realise he'd get the piss taken out of him wearing those monstrosities

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/03/2022 11:24

Vans makes shoes is several countries including China, Vietnam and in South America.

goodonyou.eco/how-ethical-is-vans/

Based on our own research and the brand’s Fashion Transparency Index score of 51-60%, Vans labour rating is also ‘Not Good Enough’. Disappointingly, none of its supply chain is certified by labour standards which ensure worker health and safety, living wages, or other labour rights, which are fundamental to a good score here

So before you have a go at people buying in Sports Direct, maybe make sure you're actually buying something that isn't just as bad

Bunce1 · 02/03/2022 11:24

@Longcovid21

He only has 2 pairs of shoes in total? There was literally no other option?

Yes correct. Sorry we are not as rich as you.

I feel bad for you op you’re being very defensive. But those vans are very jazzy!

You could have gotten a pair from the supermarket? Sports direct usually have some half decent black Nikes around £20.

Sanada · 02/03/2022 11:24

I think YABU for doing what you did. I'm not bothered by the shoes (I think they are pretty cool), I'm more concerned that your son is 10 and had no input on the shoes you bought him. Also the fact that you reduced a 10 year old to tears, and bringing up social services over shoes should be enough of an indicator that you were in the wrong. If you were desperate you could have nipped into the likes of ASDA or primark and got a basic pair of shoes that you were both happy with and put away the money to get a better pair. It's not like vans are any more environmentally friendly than a pair of cheap shoes.

Celoo · 02/03/2022 11:25

A family member bought me a school bag once because they thought it was cool. It was ugly and stood out massively. I didn't have the heart to tell them how awful it was, despite the fact I was getting bullied for it, I still used it.
Those trainers are pretty ugly. If they were just plain back VANS I'd say he was being a shit but they are the sort of thing that could get a kid a lot of shit from other kids.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 02/03/2022 11:25

@nearlyspringyay

I still remember the awful brown leather buckle up shoes that my made me get for school when I was about 6. I HATED those shoes, no one wore shoes like that.

There is no way his original trainers got ripped like that suddenly one day, they've been destroyed.

My dad took me to play golf as child. I remember being about 12 and he bought me some truly awful golf shoes. I mean, all golf shoes are bad, but these weren’t normal golf shoes. They were blue, rubbery material. Like lace up wellies with spikes on the bottom.

I refused to wear them. Which meant I refused to play golf. Point blank. And that meant he didn’t get his rounds of golf in at the weekends.

He could have consulted me on the bloody shoes. But there was no way I was being seen dead in those shoes. Especially not when I was the only girl in the bloody golf club.

Things matter to kids.

ArianaDumbledore · 02/03/2022 11:25

Has he worn them a full day? Hopefully he'll get some positive reactions but if not I do think you need to get some to his taste. Or possibly customise them somehow.

I really like them btw and you were not unreasonable to say he has to wear them rather than the ripped ones.

bultaoreune · 02/03/2022 11:26

I ask my 7 year old before I buy things for them because I know they are going to wear them and buying something they don't like will just be a waste of money. You can't even pass that courtesy to your 10 year old? And yes those shoes are flashy. Even my 7 year old won't like them.

mizzo · 02/03/2022 11:27

OP I can see why you'd want him to wear them, although your method was somewhat heavy handed.
I can also see why he wouldn't want to wear them, they are quite bold.

I remember my Mum getting me some look a like Nike Air Max from the market, she was so pleased that they had the 'bubble' in, I didn't have the heart to tell her I hated them. I used to wear my school trousers unfastened so I could pull them down low and cover them up.

Have a chat to your boy, apologise for upsetting him, maybe you can sell the Vans and get something less showy.