Was I wrong to send him in like this?

[Longcovid21]

Reality check needed.
Ds 10 had massive holes in his trainers which appeared out of nowhere. A few days ago I saw a sale on the vans website and so took the opportunity to buy him some nice new shoes. They look like this.
www.schuh.co.uk/kids/junior-vans-old-skool-metallic-flame-black-and-silver-trainers/2662457850/

He hates them. He says they are too showy and was crying that he wanted to wear the trainers with holes in instead. Usually I let him choose his own shoes but on this occasion I just spotted a bargain.

Was I being unreasonable to basically make him wear the shoes and tell him that if he wore shoes with holes in school may contact social services for neglect (I was feeling desperate).

He was in tears. It was stressful all around.
I need a reality check about whether I was BU to push it? Normally he has his own way but I just couldn't send him in in bad holey shoes.

I disagree with the op but two points

My sons primary school in SE England allowed trainers and boots as long as they are predominantly black. It’s a very poor catchment and they do turn a blind eye to charcoal joggers to.
In fact during covid, in between the lockdowns the school just told the parent to send the kids in what fits and appropriate to the weather and I know of many families that were grateful, not enough money for new uniforms with furlough or job losses

I put on my work boots a few days ago and there was a big hole in the side of one, I’ve not noticed it and I clean the boots every week so I like to like I would of noticed a ruddy hole.

@BoredZelda

He’s probably forgotten she ever said it

Ten year olds aren't stupid. I've never forgotten similar threats from my mother 40 years ago.

Then you probably need to deal with that and move on, parents are human and we make mistakes.

I don't think OP threatened her son with social services as much as told him a common belief that school would contact them as no child should be attending school with shoes which have utterly fallen apart.
There was a thread recently where the overwhelming advice was to contact SS because someone smelled stale alcohol on another parent's breath.
A basic requirement for children is that they should be adequately and weather appropriately clothed. You can't blame people for thinking that if these needs aren't met, it would flag up as a sign of neglect and result in a SS referral. OP here was trying to avoid this.

I agree with changing the laces to black- or putting in the ones from his old trainers if they're ok - then if you can't get the flashes off can you dirty them up a bit so they're not so shiny white? I think brand new trainers/converse can often look a bit much but once they've got a bit dirty and aren't so in your face bright white they're just fine.

Have you forgotten what it was like to be that age? I think you were very cruel to make him wear something he's not comfortable to wear, especially to the point were he's crying! This was more about you than it was him. 1 more day would if made no difference.

Why is he wearing trainers for school anyway? He should be wearing school shoes and keep trainers for home or PE lessons. Vans are a fashion brand not meant for running or sports anyway. Those are just hideous. I am not surprised he is embarrassed to wear them. I know at my son's school any child not wearing black leather shoes with no logo whatsoever would be sent home. You can actually get plain black school shoes at Sports Direct.

I’d of done the same OP, no way I’d send my children into school ripped shoes! I’d be miffed that they’d only wear the shoes once and buy another pair at earliest opportunity, but no way would they go in like that.

My little boy only has 3 pairs of shoes, we aren’t destitute, he just likes trainers.

I would hope no child would get ‘the shit kicked out of him’ at primary.

If you’d posted you’d sent him in to school in those shoes as he insisted you’d of been told to get a grip.

I think you did the right thing.

I like the way so many people say they're not allowed to wear them shoes in school like all schools are there same. Op already said she's not in UK. But even so I know a school not far from me who are non school uniform. My child's school is school uniform but does allow black trainers. Not all schools are the same.

Sorry to disappoint those late to the party but the kid came home happy and no one sad anything about the shoes.

I'm not suggesting she is making it up, but there is definitely a misrepresentation. She just hadn't been paying attention.

The shoe maintenence police is in the house .

Anyway, I'm satisfied someone's 17 year old said they are fine. To me that trumps what a lot of adult women think.
To clarify, ds will get a new pair of trainers to his taste, so anyone worrying about him being bullied / attacked can stand down.

Then you probably need to deal with that and move on, parents are human and we make mistakes.

I have dealt with it. Point is, kids do remember these things. He’s ten, presumably he isn’t stupid.

The shoe maintenence police is in the house

Scoff away. I’m not the one who’s child’s shoes became worn beyond disrepair without me noticing and had to force them to school in ugly shoes.

I note you’ve also been silent on your previous accusatory “sweatshop” rant after it was pointed out Vans are just as bad for that.

Anyway, I'm satisfied someone's 17 year old said they are fine. To me that trumps what a lot of adult women think.

But not what your actual 10 year old son, who actually has to wear them thinks.

Oh gosh @BoredZelda do bore off. Don't you have children's shoes to inspect?

TheRealKaren
Yes YABU to tell a child that SS will take him away (this is just going to stress a child out even more)

Personally, I love the shoes, but they are very bold which some people may not feel comfortable wearing and that’s absolutely fine as we all have different styles that we like. I’m aware you didn’t pay £37. Honestly, it depends on how much you spent to say whether it was an adjustable money-saving bargain, but I do agree that at 10 (y5/y6?) should have a say on what shoes they are going to wear.

But I do think other parents need to stop ‘normalising’ bullying as this gives the impression to kids that it is acceptable to do so if something about another child is different. No one should ever be bullied for anything. Especially for anything outside of their control like in this poor boy's case.

And as many other people have mentioned: A lot of proper brands are made by unethical Labour (actually The statistics are even worse than non branded).

Very well said.

@Bobbins36
Parents, like anyone else who makes a mistake, ought to apologise to the person affected and take accountability. This is what we're teaching our kids - at least what I teach my DC's anyway.

@Longcovid21
While 'someones 17 year old' thinks they're cool, it doesn't matter if the school and the child actually wearing them do not. Threatening your child with social services is manipulation and downright cruel.

Anyway, I'm satisfied someone's 17 year old said they are fine. To me that trumps what a lot of adult women think.

It doesn't matter that a random 17 year old likes them. Your son didn't and you did not consider his feelings. You are now more interested in how a strangers son thinks of them.

Literally sitting here waiting for my 12 year old to get home from cadets before I press checkout on any of the various pairs of trainers and school shoes I've chosen. He might like one. He might hate them all. But he's the one who has to wear them and I remember all too well the social ridicule of getting it wrong.

Was I being unreasonable to basically make him wear the shoes and tell him that if he wore shoes with holes in school may contact social services for neglect (I was feeling desperate).

I think YWBU mentioning social services and neglect to your child! Poor lad.

@Longcovid21

Holes don't appear overnight No they appeared one day.

They weren't £37 BTW that's not the sale price.

I guess I will be forced to get some shitty sweat shop trainers from sports direct then. Gosh you lot are conservative 😊. But point taken. No one likes them.

Or go to a shoe shop and buy him school shoes.

Anyway, I'm satisfied someone's 17 year old said they are fine.

So someone else's 17 year olds opinion about your sons shoes trumps his own opinion? Weird.

@Longcovid21 I like them but then I wear vans. And most schools where I live allow trainers and 'other' shoes.
I know what you mean. I have three boys/ young men/ adults and they are picky shoe wise :/

@Longcovid21

I'm not suggesting she is making it up, but there is definitely a misrepresentation. She just hadn't been paying attention.

The shoe maintenence police is in the house .

Anyway, I'm satisfied someone's 17 year old said they are fine. To me that trumps what a lot of adult women think.
To clarify, ds will get a new pair of trainers to his taste, so anyone worrying about him being bullied / attacked can stand down.

It’s a bit odd that you need an Internet forum to tell you to respect your child’s wishes.

@AnImposter

Wooooooooow what a pile on!! No doubt some of the shitty comments are from the #bekind gang.

OP my very cool and popular 17 year old skateboarding teen just said 'yeah they're fine' so fuck all the fully grown adult women sticking the boot in. And yeah he also can ruin a pair of shoes in approximately 15 minutes so I get it.

Just get the sharpie out and tone them down for him

I think the trainers look ok but just wanted to say just because your kid is 17 and a skater doesn’t mean he has a good fashion sense. so everyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter?

Op, I’d have made my DS wear the new shoes if they were his only other pair.
There’s no way I could let him go to school wearing the old trainers knowingly.

Hopefully, he can wear them for day trips, playing around, etc and you can choose a pair together.

Oh this poor kid.

Do you care about being 'right' more than having empathy for your son? It kind of sounds like it.

You don't sound like you've learned much here. Not sure why you posted.

Did you apologise to your son OP?