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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I wrong to send him in like this?

452 replies

Longcovid21 · 02/03/2022 10:32

Reality check needed.
Ds 10 had massive holes in his trainers which appeared out of nowhere. A few days ago I saw a sale on the vans website and so took the opportunity to buy him some nice new shoes. They look like this.
www.schuh.co.uk/kids/junior-vans-old-skool-metallic-flame-black-and-silver-trainers/2662457850/

He hates them. He says they are too showy and was crying that he wanted to wear the trainers with holes in instead. Usually I let him choose his own shoes but on this occasion I just spotted a bargain.

Was I being unreasonable to basically make him wear the shoes and tell him that if he wore shoes with holes in school may contact social services for neglect (I was feeling desperate).

He was in tears. It was stressful all around.
I need a reality check about whether I was BU to push it? Normally he has his own way but I just couldn't send him in in bad holey shoes.

OP posts:
FantasticFebruary · 02/03/2022 17:06

WTF did you try to scare your child with SS, because (very understandably) didn't want to wear those (exceptionally ugly) shoes to school? The 'ripped' ones would have been fine until HE could choose some others.

JellybabyGina87 · 02/03/2022 17:08

Sorry if I've missed the point as not read through the whole thread but how come you let the holey shoes get this bad before leaving the new ones the only option? What did he wear yesterday and the day before? You keep saying how it's wrong to send him in in holey shoes but that's what you have been doing until today.

BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 17:08

lol OK I'm not going to get into a linguistics debate with you. Fugly to me is a word that bitchy girls would use in the playground to slag each other off, it's not a word that I'd use in a sensible, adult conversation

And it is a word that's been used by adults for nearly 2 decades. What you think of it is irrelevant.

Your comment about the shoes just not becoming damaged overnight is irrelevant. The op said that's what happened so speculating on it is pointless. Fwiw my son has come home many times in shoes that were maybe a bit tatty in the morning but utterly wrecked by the end of school. It can and does happen and it's silly to suggest she's making that up.

I'm not suggesting she is making it up, but there is definitely a misrepresentation. She just hadn't been paying attention.

Agree in an ideal world there would have been time and opportunity for the child to pick his own shoes to avoid the drama. But in this scenario where it was a clear choice between holey, damaged shoes and functional shoes that he just didn't like the look of, it blows my mind that people think she did the wrong thing by being more concerned that her ds was dry and warm instead of focusing on what he looked like.

To be honest, in the unlikely event I was in that situation, if my daughter at that age was intent on going to school in shoes that were full of holes, I'd have let her, giving her a warning that he feet would get wet and put a couple of spare pairs of socks in her bag. Having wet feet isn't going to kill them

The SS comment was poorly judged but I suppose she was trying to say that school may raise it as an issue if a child was in unsuitable, ill fitting or damaged clothing. That isn't unheard of.

It is unheard of. If a child who is otherwise well cared for and has no known issues, no school is going to call social services because they have a hole in their shoes. But, in any case, you never threaten your children with that, just to get your way when you have fucked up.

TheShoeLady · 02/03/2022 17:09

Get a black sharpie or marker and colour over the silver - there are specialist leather paints for this but they would need prepping and priming etc so a sharpie should do the job just as well to disguise the flames. (If you were in the UK I’d happily do it for you, but as you’re not, the postage would cost more than the shoes!)

Derbee · 02/03/2022 17:10

@Longcovid21

Holes don't appear overnight No they appeared one day.

They weren't £37 BTW that's not the sale price.

I guess I will be forced to get some shitty sweat shop trainers from sports direct then. Gosh you lot are conservative 😊. But point taken. No one likes them.

It doesn’t even matter whether mumsnet posters like them. Your son doesn’t. Your son is old enough to choose what he wears, and what he likes. You should respect him enough to let him choose his own shoes, within a certain budget
Walkaround · 02/03/2022 17:11

Well, it was definitely extremely badly thought out to panic buy him trainers he loathed and then to force him to wear them when he only possesses two pairs of footwear, so will be obliged to wear them most of the time. I don’t think there are many children who would be particularly appreciative of that, any more than I would appreciate someone buying me ugly shoes I loathed just because they were on offer, and expecting me to wear them all day, every day for the next year. Being 10 doesn’t switch off someone’s personal taste and desire to have some say in what they wear. I understand the dilemma, though, given the urgency of the footwear problem! If they were cheap enough that you can buy him something he can tolerate now at your leisure, and keep those trainers for dire emergencies only, then it’s not so bad. He might even decide they are so hideous they are actually cool after all- depends on the reaction he receives at school!

Nosetickle · 02/03/2022 17:11

YANBU they look really similar to the ones with holes in to me just without holes in!

EmergencyPoncho · 02/03/2022 17:13

Blimey! I think the Vans are alright tbh, but if he doesn't like them then fair enough. My 2 children have never had back up school shoes and I wouldn't consider myself negligent.

Guineapigssweak · 02/03/2022 17:14

My kids at 10 would have worn what I bought them. They didn't have a choice as I was struggling financially and got what I could afford. The OPs shoes.for her son were perfectly ok and I would have mad eh wear them no matter what .

CharlotteTuesday · 02/03/2022 17:14

@Longcovid21 no I was more referring to the state of them. I'd just feel a bit embarrassed as a parent to send my child to school in tatty trainers

AndNowNo · 02/03/2022 17:14

They just need a bit of mud on them and they'll be fine. Take him to the park and they'll be ruined in no time at all.

New trainers always look a bit too much!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/03/2022 17:15

@Longcovid21

He only has 2 pairs of shoes in total? There was literally no other option?

Yes correct. Sorry we are not as rich as you.

If money is tight, @Longcovid21, why didn’t you check with your son to make sure he was happy with the Vans before you bought them?

Fwiw, I think they look cool, but they are a pretty bold design, and I don’t think I would have risked buying them without being sure the person they were for liked them.

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/03/2022 17:18

Wonder why kids are so entitled these days ….

Longcovid21 · 02/03/2022 17:19

@BoredZelda I think you are a Bully. You are accusing me of lying repeatedly and not listening to @motherofdragons58 at all. The words you are using are the words of a bulky, whether you realise it or not.

OP posts:
Longcovid21 · 02/03/2022 17:19

*bully

OP posts:
AnImposter · 02/03/2022 17:24

Wooooooooow what a pile on!! No doubt some of the shitty comments are from the #bekind gang.

OP my very cool and popular 17 year old skateboarding teen just said 'yeah they're fine' so fuck all the fully grown adult women sticking the boot in. And yeah he also can ruin a pair of shoes in approximately 15 minutes so I get it.

Just get the sharpie out and tone them down for him

worriedatthemoment · 02/03/2022 17:30

They aren't my choice of nice shoes and mine wouldn't of been allowed them for school but if your ds is then thats fine
If it was a quick purchase and they keep his feet dry thats the main thing
Appreciate he is 10 but sometimes needs must
As others have said would he be happy of you used a marker to cover the silver if thats the bit he doesn't like
Mine have def had to wear something they have not been keen on at times if thats all I could get or fitted etc, even if just for a short time

Bobbins36 · 02/03/2022 17:35

@Shelaydownunderthetable

I think a lot of people are also missing the point here - you threatened that the school would call social services because his shoes had holes in them? You know yourself it wasn’t right to tell him that.
This. This is the real issue, not whether or not the shoes looked nice. OP I think feels bad about threatening her kid with this, as she should, it’s not ideal but really we’ve all said stuff and regretted it where stroppy kids are involved. He’s probably forgotten she ever said it (it’s the mum guilt that persists for decades over shit like this).
SlashBeef · 02/03/2022 17:36

@BluebellsGreenbells

Wonder why kids are so entitled these days ….
God yeah, entitled little twats not wanting to wear flames on their trainers.
Strugglingtodomybest · 02/03/2022 17:38

I haven't read the whole thread, just the OP's posts, from which I can see it's gone rapidly downhill.

For what it's worth OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong. You needed a pair of trainers quickly and cheaply and from what I gather, Vans are a 'cool' brand, so you did your best to find him a decent pair, even if they weren't 100% to his taste.

Sometimes kids need to learn to just suck things up and realise that not everything goes their way all the time. Next time he can choose his own trainers, but this time you needed some quick so...

It appears it's all ended well too, with him coming out of school happy.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/03/2022 17:39

My 10 year old would love them. He stole my very similar pair of converse but the flames were red and yellow . I think at this age its always good to check with them though

Cookiecrumble22 · 02/03/2022 17:40

Hope your OK op. I had to buy dd who is 11 shoes the other day. I choice 2 pairs I could afford and told her to choose which ones she wanted. But she's not really care as long as she has something on her feet and clothes. Your child has shoes on his feet. There are going to be times he cant Have what he wants.

BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 17:47

I think you are a Bully. You are accusing me of lying repeatedly and not listening to @motherofdragons58 at all. The words you are using are the words of a bulky, whether you realise it or not.

Says the woman who threatened her child with social services because he wouldn't wear shoes.

There has been no accusation of lying. Disagreeing with someone isn't the same as not listening to them. You can throw about the label of bullying as much as you like, doesn't make it any more true.

BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 17:49

He’s probably forgotten she ever said it

Ten year olds aren't stupid. I've never forgotten similar threats from my mother 40 years ago.

DontBeMean · 02/03/2022 17:51

Haven't read all the posts so sorry if it's already been suggested but you could easily remove the flashy bit from those shoes. Take the silver flashes off and swap the laces for black ones.

I like them as they are but I can see why they might be a bit much for some.