Was I wrong to send him in like this?

[Longcovid21]

Reality check needed.
Ds 10 had massive holes in his trainers which appeared out of nowhere. A few days ago I saw a sale on the vans website and so took the opportunity to buy him some nice new shoes. They look like this.
www.schuh.co.uk/kids/junior-vans-old-skool-metallic-flame-black-and-silver-trainers/2662457850/

He hates them. He says they are too showy and was crying that he wanted to wear the trainers with holes in instead. Usually I let him choose his own shoes but on this occasion I just spotted a bargain.

Was I being unreasonable to basically make him wear the shoes and tell him that if he wore shoes with holes in school may contact social services for neglect (I was feeling desperate).

He was in tears. It was stressful all around.
I need a reality check about whether I was BU to push it? Normally he has his own way but I just couldn't send him in in bad holey shoes.

They are awful…sorry!

Yes YABU to tell a child that SS will take him away (this is just going to stress a child out even more)

Personally, I love the shoes, but they are very bold which some people may not feel comfortable wearing and that’s absolutely fine as we all have different styles that we like. I’m aware you didn’t pay £37. Honestly, it depends on how much you spent to say whether it was an adjustable money-saving bargain, but I do agree that at 10 (y5/y6?) should have a say on what shoes they are going to wear.

But I do think other parents need to stop ‘normalising’ bullying as this gives the impression to kids that it is acceptable to do so if something about another child is different. No one should ever be bullied for anything. Especially for anything outside of their control like in this poor boy's case.

And as many other people have mentioned: A lot of proper brands are made by unethical Labour (actually The statistics are even worse than non branded).

That's a really... intense pair of shoes. He wasn't being a bit precious and wanted blue instead of black or something. He doesn't want to pair shoes with metallic flames on them. It's understandable.

Too bad you sent him in wearing them, otherwise you could've returned them.

It was bang out of order to say social services may get involved. What a scary thing for a 10 yr old to hear.

Would a your garden variety, typical 10 year old boy, really think SS would ACTUALLY get involved? Really????

I don't imagine that social services will be too bothered about a child wearing shoes with holes in them, that made me laugh ! I think that there will be loads of children all over, with less than perfect shoes on their feet, perhaps waiting until their parents, can afford to by some new ones. but only a pair that the child fancies,.

@Longcovid21

Just to clear up once and for all...

NO KIDS at his school wear school shoes.

There is no policy against trainers. A casual look around the playground reveals trainers in a variety of colours. They all wear joggers too and fleecy hoodies. Smart shoes would look odd with this.

I’m in England. DCs school they all wear trainers but have to be black and leather or similar non porous material due to practical lessons and potential spillages of hot liquids or chemicals.

You weren’t wrong to buy him cheaper shoes OP

But I can completely see where he’s coming from with wanting to fit in. There’re needs to be more understanding from your DC though that shoes without holes are better than nothing and though they’re not to his taste he’ll have to suck it up this time but next time he can get more say in the design.

The shoes are now worn and can’t be returned however you can buy shoe paint/dye to cover the design or use a sharpie or similar to make it less flashy and replace his laces with black ones from his old trainers.

Kids here do that with shoes so they’re school compliant. Eg - Some of the shoes they like have stitched Nike logos in white so they use permanent markers to colour in the stitching.

Bear in mind though these solutions might look absolutely shite depending on the material so I’d just tone it down by switching laces and tell him they’ll get grubby in time and won’t look so bright. Unles you’re brave to try other options.

It's not a battle that is worth the threat and the tear. You were wound up in the mood, but he has a point.

Finding it hilarious that so many people think these are a really “out there” pair of trainers compared to the absolute monstrosities that pass for fashion trainers these days

Gosh. They are a 'bold' choice to say he wasn't there when you chose them! My son would have preferred to go barefoot than wear them!

Honestly? I'd have sent him in the ripped trainers, let him get wet feet for a day then taken him shoe shopping after school.

Hi Op. For what it's worth, when I was in school the kids who bullied me were out for blood because both my shoes were shredded to hell, if they had been nice new Vans there wouldn't be an issue so don't worry about the non existent kids who won't be gping after your kid for his new footwear. I'm glad you didn't send your child to school in torn shoes when you had a choice, hopefully he will be a little more grateful in future.

@EveningOverRooftops it would be fine with the suck it up buttercup argument if OP had bought innocuous and cheap trainers.
The bit I find hard that the DS has to stomach is that she made a fashion choice, based on her own taste for a pair of trainers that didn't remotely resemble the plain style previous pair.
Then forced the DS to wear them to school when they could have been refunded if returned before wearing.

Is there any wonder that kids bully when their mothers carry on like this over a pair of shoes? My ds would never pick on anyone for what they were wearing or what they look like. But then I wouldn't come on an online forum and lay into another parent over something so petty either.

Nobody is “laying in” to anyone (except perhaps you with this kind of comment)

OP asked if she was unreasonable, most have said yes the shoes are awful. OP has also ranted about MN being too conservative and made shitty comments about a teacher being on MN during the day. I’m not sure in what world you see her being bullied.

My son wouldn't have worn those either and probably would have opted for the holey ones! He's 11 and for a couple of years now he's hated anything that stands out and draws attention, like writing on clothing or gaming merchandise etc. He would definitely think those were 'try hard'! Maybe take him to choose next time.

A) They're vile, and B) Obviously no good for school and C) Utterly vile, he's not going on Drag Race.

Let the poor lad pick his own shoes, he's not a baby.

Also Vans are not 'trainers', they are designed for skating and have a very flat sole designed to allow the skater to be able to feel and control the board. Though fashionable to those used to the shoes, they are actually pretty uncomfortable to anyone who needs more sole support.

Yabu because he's old enough to choose from a selection in your budget. I do agree with you in that he couldn't have gone in his old trainers, just involve him in the choosing next time.

OP asked if she was unreasonable, most have said yes the shoes are awful. OP has also ranted about MN being too conservative and made shitty comments about a teacher being on MN during the day. I’m not sure in what world you see her being bullied.

Well only because I think the pp was not a real teacher, not least because of tbe vile comments she made about judging a kid in her class who wore them.

@BoredZelda you must have missed the comments about her being an 'authoritarian' parent and the repeated use of the word 'fugly' (a true playground word if ever I heard one.)

I get it, they aren't the best shoes for school and I think even OP would concede that now. But this has been a massive pile on that has got unnecessarily cruel at times. How can people lecture their kids about being kind when they behave like this towards strangers online is beyond me. It's a pair of shoes ffs! By all means have an opinion but this has been a horrible thread in places.

@Longcovid21

Holes don't appear overnight No they appeared one day.

They weren't £37 BTW that's not the sale price.

I guess I will be forced to get some shitty sweat shop trainers from sports direct then. Gosh you lot are conservative 😊. But point taken. No one likes them.

Imagine getting pissy over opinions YOU asked for. Bit childish if you ask me. Personally my own style is a little 'out there' and I've experimented with my personal style since my early teens.

No, holes don't appear overnight. Certainly not rips like the ones shown.
No, those shoes were not a bargain even if they were £1 because:

1. They likely won't be allowed at school.
2. Your child is distressed and also correct.
3. That brand is rather uncomfortable, physically speaking.

Maybe you don't remember being that age, but it's a strange one - at 10, even before then, one knows what they're comfortable in. Many are reluctant to stand out in ways they're not actively choosing.

You will have to buy new ones anyway for the reasons above.

Just let your child choose his own shoes, giving a £ limit. It's not difficult to just do that, is it. Why didn't you just do that in the first place?

Your child being physically and emotionally comfortable at school and not being singled out for flashy unsuitable shoes shouldn't be so controversial.

@ChuckBerrysBoots

Finding it hilarious that so many people think these are a really “out there” pair of trainers compared to the absolute monstrosities that pass for fashion trainers these days

Well I'm finding it hilarious that (mainly) adult women think they know what it's like to be a ten year old boy and exactly how his peers will react based on their experiences of being a girl (almost certainly) decades ago.

Oh and that others think a child should be grateful for their mother's insensitivity.

Also, Vans are made in the same 'shitty sweatshop'. Get over yourself.

Nobody is hysterical. Some posters are annoyed that you manipulated your son into doing something he found humiliating among his peers to avoid something you found embarrassing among your peers. If you post about prioritising your feelings above a ten-year-old's, you'll attract criticism. I'm surprised you didn't know this.

you must have missed the comments about her being an 'authoritarian' parent and the repeated use of the word 'fugly' (a true playground word if ever I heard one.)

Nope. Saw them. The word describes what people think of those trainers. That you don’t like that word doesn’t mean it is bullying.

The authoritarian accusation isn’t completely out there, forcing your kid to school in tears in trainers you chose without checking with them isn’t exactly gentle parenting. But calling it bullying because you disagree with that characterisation, is way off the mark.

*you must have missed the comments about her being an 'authoritarian' parent and the repeated use of the word 'fugly' (a true playground word if ever I heard one.

Also the comments that a child wearing this at a pps school would, quote "get the shit kicked out of them". Rather extreme I would say, designed to provoke.

*Nobody is hysterical. Some posters are annoyed that you manipulated your son into doing something he found humiliating among his peers to avoid something you found embarrassing among your peers

Well when I was a kid, going to school in broken shoes would have provoked more peer derision than going in a pair of shoes that are not someone else's taste. But there you go, apparently sending him in the rain in broken shoes would have been the better thing to save his feelings 🤷‍♀️

@BoredZelda sorry but the word is childish and pathetic. It's literally from the film Mean Girls which I guess tells you all you need to know.

Genuine question...in the OP's position would you have honestly sent the child to school in holey trainers that would have left him cold and wet all day? Is she really such a bad parent because she sent him in 'fugly' but functional shoes? Maybe if people taught their kids to be a bit kinder the ds wouldn't have felt quite so worried about it.