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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong to send him in like this?

452 replies

Longcovid21 · 02/03/2022 10:32

Reality check needed.
Ds 10 had massive holes in his trainers which appeared out of nowhere. A few days ago I saw a sale on the vans website and so took the opportunity to buy him some nice new shoes. They look like this.
www.schuh.co.uk/kids/junior-vans-old-skool-metallic-flame-black-and-silver-trainers/2662457850/

He hates them. He says they are too showy and was crying that he wanted to wear the trainers with holes in instead. Usually I let him choose his own shoes but on this occasion I just spotted a bargain.

Was I being unreasonable to basically make him wear the shoes and tell him that if he wore shoes with holes in school may contact social services for neglect (I was feeling desperate).

He was in tears. It was stressful all around.
I need a reality check about whether I was BU to push it? Normally he has his own way but I just couldn't send him in in bad holey shoes.

OP posts:
poTAYtoes · 02/03/2022 16:23

He's overreacting, but I wouldn't send him in with shoes he absolutely hates, if I could afford to buy replacements. They don't need to be an expensive brand, just something that won't stand out so much. Something he's willing to wear without complaint.

I do think, though, that coloring the light part with black permanent ink and changing to black laces might have made them more acceptable. I might do that, if you can't return them or if he needs a spare pair. For the price of a Sharpie and new laces, it might be worth doing. Even if he still doesn't want to wear them to school, he could wear them other places to save wear and tear on the school pair.

Catmemes · 02/03/2022 16:26

@Longcovid21

Holes don't appear overnight No they appeared one day.

They weren't £37 BTW that's not the sale price.

I guess I will be forced to get some shitty sweat shop trainers from sports direct then. Gosh you lot are conservative 😊. But point taken. No one likes them.

I like them! Pretty sure my 10yo would too.
Original poster
Longcovid21 · 02/03/2022 16:27

Hi Op. For what it's worth, when I was in school the kids who bullied me were out for blood because both my shoes were shredded to hell, if they had been nice new Vans there wouldn't be an issue so don't worry about the non existent kids who won't be gping after your kid for his new footwear. I'm glad you didn't send your child to school in torn shoes when you had a choice, hopefully he will be a little more grateful in future.

This was exactly my thinking. Especially as the night before in cubs someone had specifically 'roasted' him about his broken shoes (his words). I was actually trying to protect him. He came out of school happy and smiling so I guess it worked. No one said anything bad about his shoes.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 02/03/2022 16:27

I’ve always asked my dds opinions on shoes from about the age 6. I went school shoes shopping the other day with dd10. She chose them. She’s wearing them not me.

Bentoforthehorde · 02/03/2022 16:27

What a weird thread.
What is it on mumsnet with people not believing that things that are the norm in their area are the norm everywhere. It's like the doors locking with a key from inside palaver.

I like the trainers. My dc can definitely fuck up their clothes/shoes spectacularly in a short time given the right conditions. How many pairs of shoes do people's kids have? Once they hit about 8 mine stopped wanting/needing more than 2 pairs (school and trainers)

TheMerrickBoy · 02/03/2022 16:28

I do think you were in the wrong, but also in a way I can very much imagine myself having got it wrong when mine were smaller.

If you normally let him choose, as you say, then you obviously know he has some thoughts and preferences, and you usually respect them - and sometimes a ten year old does know exactly how his peers will react with more clarity than his mum does. It's not fair to ask him to disregard that.

I would say sorry and let him wear the old shoes until you can replace - and sorry this is a more expensive option, but I think that colouring them in with a felt tip pen will potentially leave him open to more teasing, not less.

TheMerrickBoy · 02/03/2022 16:30

Or if all has been well as it looks like it might have been based on posts above while I was typing, don't, but also don't assume that means you'll always be right and he'll always be wrong on stuff like this. It obviously bothered you that he was so unhappy, so worth avoiding the guilt in future.

FelixViolet · 02/03/2022 16:35

Utterly vile, he's not going on Drag Race.

Whether you think they are vile or not is irrelevant. Some children would like them, my own DD would. Her son doesn't, fair enough, but saying she's being unreasonable because you think they are ugly is weird.

I wouldn't think "Drag Race" looking at those.

Heckythump1 · 02/03/2022 16:36

Wouldn't be allowed those at our school, and only allowed trainers if they're all black.

BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 16:37

sorry but the word is childish and pathetic. It's literally from the film Mean Girls which I guess tells you all you need to know.

It was literally a word long before it was in that movie. There are also thousands of other words in that movie, are they all off limits because of that?

Genuine question...in the OP's position would you have honestly sent the child to school in holey trainers that would have left him cold and wet all day? Is she really such a bad parent because she sent him in 'fugly' but functional shoes? Maybe if people taught their kids to be a bit kinder the ds wouldn't have felt quite so worried about it.

A pair of shoes does not get in to that state over night. They just don't. OP only noticed they were knackered when they finally went through the toes, she should have paid attention sooner. What I would have done is, asked my child to pick the new shoes with me. We also always have a cheap pair of shoes for back-up.

I didn't call her a "bad parent" but it isn't stellar parenting to threaten your child with social services when they are already upset about the situation.

I agree teaching kids to be kinder is a great idea. I'm not sure this comes from forcing them to do something that really upsets them, when it was so easily avoidable.

TenRedThings · 02/03/2022 16:38

Colour in the white bits with a permanent black marker.

BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 16:40

Well only because I think the pp was not a real teacher, not least because of tbe vile comments she made about judging a kid in her class who wore them.

Why not just say that?

The comment made wasn’t vile or judging, it was concerning school uniform rules.

FelixViolet · 02/03/2022 16:41

I wouldn't have made him wear them because they are ugly

I just don't get that reasoning. It's about what the child likes, not you, as everyone keeps saying. If he had wanted them, are you saying she shouldn't have given them to him because they are "objectively" ugly? Surely not. My DD likes loads of clothes I don't like, but my opinion on their "ugliness" isn't important, is it?

I get he didn't like them. I just don't understand the reasoning that because parents think they are ugly, they wouldn't get them for their kids. That kinda goes against the whole "let the kid choose" argument. Confused

I see people are still saying they aren't school shoes, despite PPs constantly explaining that not all schools are the same.

Original poster
Longcovid21 · 02/03/2022 16:41

*night. They just don't. OP only noticed they were knackered when they finally went through the toes, she should have paid attention sooner. What I would have done is, asked my child to pick the new shoes with me. We also always have a cheap pair of shoes for back-up

Bully for you HmmHmmConfused

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 16:46

Bully for you

No need to get shirty (again) PP asked what I would have done. I answered the question.

Mrsmadevans · 02/03/2022 16:48

l am sorry but they are awful OP Shock

motherofdragons58 · 02/03/2022 16:49

@BoredZelda lol OK I'm not going to get into a linguistics debate with you. Fugly to me is a word that bitchy girls would use in the playground to slag each other off, it's not a word that I'd use in a sensible, adult conversation. But that's by the by.

Your comment about the shoes just not becoming damaged overnight is irrelevant. The op said that's what happened so speculating on it is pointless. Fwiw my son has come home many times in shoes that were maybe a bit tatty in the morning but utterly wrecked by the end of school. It can and does happen and it's silly to suggest she's making that up.

Agree in an ideal world there would have been time and opportunity for the child to pick his own shoes to avoid the drama. But in this scenario where it was a clear choice between holey, damaged shoes and functional shoes that he just didn't like the look of, it blows my mind that people think she did the wrong thing by being more concerned that her ds was dry and warm instead of focusing on what he looked like.

The SS comment was poorly judged but I suppose she was trying to say that school may raise it as an issue if a child was in unsuitable, ill fitting or damaged clothing. That isn't unheard of.

CallMeDean · 02/03/2022 16:50

sorry but the word is childish and pathetic. It's literally from the film Mean Girls which I guess tells you all you need to know.

No it isn't. You can find it being used in the U.S.A even in the 1970s.

Thatsplentyjack · 02/03/2022 16:51

But there you go, apparently sending him in the rain in broken shoes would have been the better thing to save his feelings 🤷‍♀️

Now I feel even more sorry for him.

Bimblybomeyelash · 02/03/2022 16:52

My ds would be allowed to wear those to school. But there is no way that he would wear a pair of shoes that he hadn’t chosen himself. And he really isn’t that fussy about what he wears. I wouldn’t force him to wear them. What are you going to do tomorrow when he STILL hates them? It will be too late to take them back then because you made him wear them today.

NameChanger45465465 · 02/03/2022 16:53

No wonder they were in the sale, no other person would be buying them.

10 is an age where he should be able to have a choice in his clothing.

Let him pick his own and take those to the charity shop.

Thatsplentyjack · 02/03/2022 16:53

sorry but the word is childish and pathetic. It's literally from the film Mean Girls which I guess tells you all you need to know.

Great film

JellybabyGina87 · 02/03/2022 16:54

Yes you were wrong. Kids can be sensitive at this age about what they should or shouldn't be wearing and something may look inoffensive but be completely the wrong thing for him to wear. I'd have sent them back and let him pick his own pair. I know its annoying when you think you're doing good and it feels like they complain over everything but this is just what kids this age are like.

HappyHouseWitch · 02/03/2022 17:00

Do what my sister did. In error she bought my nephew some school trainers with a white stripe. In order to keep to the school's strict black footwear policy (and her own strict thrift policy) she used to colour the white bits in regularly with a black marker pen!

cherrysthename · 02/03/2022 17:02

Glad he had a good day in the end, OP. That's all that matters!