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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 02/03/2022 09:32

I don't mind a bit of random stranger bus or train chat, and have talked to some interesting people but in this case person A didn't want to chat to person B and person B needs to read the room.

Is person B very needy or lonely?

PurpleHollyhocks · 02/03/2022 09:36

Person B. Yes it’s nice to be polite and kind but we don’t owe anyone a 1 hour conversation on the bus.

One of my great joys when travelling with work was the airport and flying on my own. I was almost resentful when a colleague joined

CallyfromBlakes7 · 02/03/2022 09:37

@Movingonup22

Person B is an annoying pain the neck who should leave other people well alone
This. It's just as rude to impose yourself on someone else as it is to ignore them.

Other people do not owe you engagement. Find people who do want to engage with you and leave the others alone.

SmackMyDonkey · 02/03/2022 09:41

I'm quite happy to chat randomly, but Person B is massively in the wrong here, and blind to social cues.

starfishmummy · 02/03/2022 09:42

Which person are you, @ShittyFingers?

ThatsALotOfPassionfruit · 02/03/2022 09:42

Person B is BU. Person A does not owe them their time. I don’t mind a bit of a chat over the aisle but I wouldn’t want someone pinning me in and talking at me!

It might be Person A’s only chance for a bit of peace and quiet.

Also intrigued how you know it bothered Person B all day….

WetLookKnitwear · 02/03/2022 09:42

I assume you’re A.

I don’t think either are wrong for wanting to daydream alone or to chat. I think B is rude to ignore signals (i assume you put headphones in or got a book out) but A is rude to actually get up and move seats instead of saying hey I just want to relax and listen to my music. Then again I think that’s too direct for most people so that’s why these awkward situations happen.

MoonOnASpoon · 02/03/2022 09:42

Person B is in the wrong and needs to grow some sensitivity.

I have someone like person B in my local cafe - he's always there and tries to talk to people. I understand he's lonely, and sometimes people will chat to him, but I don't want to (beyond a few pleasantries) because I am there to read a magazine, do some work or chill out in the middle of my hectic family life.

I look him right in the eye and say, kindly and calmly but with absolute certainty: "I am reading today / need some time alone today, so I do not want to chat" and he usually apologises and goes away.

knittingaddict · 02/03/2022 09:43

I'm confused by your thread. If these people don't know each other how can you possibly know what goes on in their heads for the rest of the day?

For the record person B was incredibly unreasonable. I'm not if I would have moved or not if I was A, but it would have been what I wanted to do. I don't see how A could have been unreasonable.

pictish · 02/03/2022 09:44

No, I’m not an entertainment service. I’m outgoing, really chatty amd what have you…but I also appreciate quiet time such as bus journeys and wouldn’t thank anyone for foisting themselves upon me to serve their own desire for an audience. I’d be polite but if they persisted so would I. I’d move if it came to it.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/03/2022 09:46

I don't get how this is typical extrovert behaviour given that the majority of people are extrovert and almost no one behaves like this (even oop North)

JeffThePilot · 02/03/2022 09:46

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

How do you know how person B felt all day?
Well I’m guessing OP is person B, and if so I hope that she’s learning something from this thread!
Bunce1 · 02/03/2022 09:46

Person A has the right to peace.

Person B should have taken the hint!

bellac11 · 02/03/2022 09:47

I need to be left alone when Im travelling and dont like people being intrusive like that. The other thing that makes me uncomfortable is that if someone wants to talk on the bus or train it means you have to sit with your head at an angle to talk to them and it makes me feel ill.

MoonOnASpoon · 02/03/2022 09:48

A is rude to actually get up and move seats

Yes that is rude, but sometimes the person Bs of this world give you no choice but to be rude. Then (in some cases) they play the victim card.

Massive introvert here who has been dealing with this all my life. The trouble with person Bs is that they don't get why anyone would not want to be chatty and friendly, because in their world, that is all anyone wants. Introverts do generally understand that many other people are extroverted. But a lot of extroverts just see introverts as sad and in need of their chatty help.

shssandhr · 02/03/2022 09:48

Person B is in the wrong here.
Not able to judge what is appropriate in a particular situation and what is not. They could be neurodiverse and therefore have difficulties. However, from the description of what happened, B took offence at A who had made it clear that they did not want to chat so B was able to read the fact A did not want to chat - therefore probably just a self-centred person who expects the world to revolve around them.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 02/03/2022 09:49

No one is unreasonable here. Just different people with different needs and different expectations of others.

I'm Person A and have been known to get off trains/buses when type B people approach. Person A should carry a book or kindle and say politely 'Do excuse me, I can't chat as I want to finish this' and hold it up in front of them. They don't have to read it, just use it as a screen.

DontbesuchanarseGlenda · 02/03/2022 09:49

@Eastpoint

This explains why so many MNetters say they have no friends. Practice saying ‘sorry I haven’t got the headspace to chat today’ and B will understand & leave you alone. B will also still take you to hospital when your partner can’t or babysit when there’s an emergency. Being surly isn’t the way to go.
Whilst this sounds a sensible suggestion, in my experience, 'Bs' either ignore this message or take huge offence.
DemBonesDemBones · 02/03/2022 09:50

Person B is in the wrong.

BatmanCat · 02/03/2022 09:52

YANBU. B is wrong, espically early in the morning. Need to learn to respect other peoples personal space.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2022 09:52

Person A is not person B’s entertainment toy.

Comefromaway · 02/03/2022 09:54

Person A should get some large, highly visible noise cancelling headphones.

My dd is Person A. She is also neurodiverse and needs her quiet time to get her through the working day where she has to interact with people a lot.

JustLyra · 02/03/2022 09:54

@Eastpoint

This explains why so many MNetters say they have no friends. Practice saying ‘sorry I haven’t got the headspace to chat today’ and B will understand & leave you alone. B will also still take you to hospital when your partner can’t or babysit when there’s an emergency. Being surly isn’t the way to go.
Nobody is asking a person who gets the same bus as them to babysit Hmm
eosmum · 02/03/2022 09:54

I am person A. On a one hour bus journey 5 days a week person B latched on to me. I don't have 5 hours of conversation for my nearest and dearest never mind a random at the bus stop. Ended up changing to a different bus and even walking much further away to a tram. Why am I so polite, I loved my routine.

GabriellaMontez · 02/03/2022 09:57

Person b is thick skinned. She didn't give the incident another thought. It's not the first time it's happened.

Person a has saved herself weeks of torment by Person b.