Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

[ShittyFingers]

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

I just want to know which one you are. Waning time to think doesn't make A unsociable, and B sounding borderline insane doesn't make them sociable. If anything the opposite- a sociable person would be able to read the cues

Some years ago, I was in A's situation on a regular journey. B gradually won me over and eventually became a long term and good friend. There was no harm in B. She came from a small place where people did talk to each other in these situations and she was lonely, away from her family and home country.

For a one off journey I would expect person A could probably suck it up and make small talk.

If A and B are regularly making the same journey though I can understand A not wanting to set a precedent that every journey from then onward would be spent chatting. I wouldn't have actually moved seats the first journey it happened though, that's a bit harsh

It’s an unspoken thing…to openly reject someone else’s attempt at establishing a connection is considered pretty heinous. You can’t simply say, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk to you. I’d rather read my book.”
It’s very difficult to negotiate without causing offence. This leaves us vulnerable to being monopolised against our wishes.

Politeness is a wonderful thing…until it’s not. Until it works against us.

Person A just needs to buy headphones and stare into the middle distance

Used to fly a lot for work.
First rule of the frequent flyer - don’t get too friendly too soon or you have 10 hours of someone bleating in your ear, wanting to talk about the movie, even crying on my shoulder.
Short chats- fine. But read the cues …

God almighty why not use your words?? "Sorry, I really need this hour alone and quiet" would do it. What the fuck has gone wrong with us that we can't communicate directly and clearly?? I'm Person A in this

I wouldn't like person B

I prefer not to but if I encounter a random chat I do remind myself that I may well be the only person they have spoken to this week & my reaction could help alleviate some of their loneliness.

That said, you could open a can of worms for yourself being sat with the chatter forever more

She was achingly lonely and lost. I'm glad I spent 20 minutes chatting to her.

This is what I thought of when I read the OP's post. Yes some people need quiet head space, but the person who needs to talk isn't necessarily rude, but potentially lonely.
It's unfortunate that the two requirements are so opposed, but I don't see why one persons need to be quiet is more important than another persons need for social interaction.
It's is not the responsibility of the quiet person to fulfil that social interaction need, but that isn't to say that it isn't equally a need and important for their social and mental health.
It's important to understand that both situations are equally valid.

Please you are not person B OP... 🤞🏻
I’m a person A, when I used to travel on the bus I always put my bag on the other seat or sit on the outside. Always.
I think if the bus has loads of empty seats I think it’s weird and a bit rude actually to deliberately choose to go and sit next to a stranger

No established relationship between the two of them already? Then 100% Person B is in the wrong. They need to learn some tact and accept a LOT of people don't enjoy striking up conversation with randoms in what might be the quietest part of their day (vs busy office and family life at home)

Person B is a self-absorbed, insufferable pain in the arse. I can't stand people like her.

I’ve travelled on long train journeys many times over the years and the Person B types are my idea of hell on earth. I'm a Person A. I have told people I need to concentrate on whatever I’m reading, etc etc., and yes, I have moved seats in the past. I hate, hate, hate being buttonholed by a perfect stranger who expects me to perform for their entertainment.

That precious time alone every day might be the thing that’s saving Person A's sanity.

Nobody is asking a person who gets the same bus as them to babysit

No but people become friends through talking.

Some of the person Bs don't even respect the headphone rule. I've caught a different bus and then swapped at the last stop it shares with mine before to avoid a particularly persistent one.

Person B is probably a one of 2 types
Type A: a gas bag who wants to know everyone's business and tells everyone their business
Type B: probably quite sad and lonely and probably has an inkling that people think she's annoying, but tries her best anyway

God almighty why not use your words?? "Sorry, I really need this hour alone and quiet" would do it. What the fuck has gone wrong with us that we can't communicate directly and clearly??

I actually let out a hollow laugh at the suggestion that asking nicely to be be left alone would work with someone like person B. I used to get the bus everyday with someone similar. I sometimes chatted out of politeness but mostly she targeted others some willing, some less so.

One day she sat next to me and proceeded to chat and I politely said I had a headache and needed some quiet time that morning. Her response was to completely igore my request with a snarky "it's OK you don't need to talk, you just need to listen to me"

There is no getting through to people like B, getting up and moving is much polite than the torrent of verbal abuse they sometimes deserve for ignoring such bloody obvious social clues.

I hope person A had a much nicer day once her bus journey was over.

Jesus I’m an extrovert but hate it when strangers speak to me on public transport. It’s annoying and it’s the only time of day I get to myself. Most people who indulge person B do so under duress, they should refrain from bothering people.

I think if the bus has loads of empty seats I think it’s weird and a bit rude actually to deliberately choose to go and sit next to a stranger

I agree, although people also seem to do it when they see a bag in the seat - even if the bus or train will not fill up. The time it happened to me (on a train rather than a bus) I just got up and sat elsewhere. But that is a different point to wanting to chat.

I don't see why one persons need to be quiet is more important than another persons need for social interaction

Really? One is far more intrusive than the other. It's like saying one person's sleep doesn't outweigh another's "need" to have a loud party until the early hours.

I am person A. This would make me feel so awkward and uncomfortable that I’d probably get off the bus.

Omg B, a million times.
Read the room.

DS is 6and cannot pick up when people don't want to talk back so I make sure I do. Unless there's a reason like ASD where A cannot understand body cues etc then she needs to back away and stop pushing herself on other people

@sillysmiles

Nobody is asking a person who gets the same bus as them to babysit

No but people become friends through talking.

Yes they do, I did get chatting to people on commutes and made a lifelong friend. It usually happens when the trains are late though ;)

However, I wouldn't bother someone who clearly wanted peace and quiet or said "well it's been nice chatting, now I need to get on with my work/want to get on with my exciting book" etc.

@Eastpoint

This explains why so many MNetters say they have no friends. Practice saying ‘sorry I haven’t got the headspace to chat today’ and B will understand & leave you alone. B will also still take you to hospital when your partner can’t or babysit when there’s an emergency. Being surly isn’t the way to go.

I’m not asking the random from the bus to babysit my child. I’ll ask my parents, DHs parents, siblings, DHs siblings, the neighbours we’ve known for years, the friends we’ve had for decades.

*I don't see why one persons need to be quiet is more important than another persons need for social interaction

Really? One is far more intrusive than the other. It's like saying one person's sleep doesn't outweigh another's "need" to have a loud party until the early hours.*

They really aren't the same thing - and if you had read further, you would have seen that I said that it is not the quiet persons responsibility to provide the social interaction. However, maybe both points of view need to be a little flexible and understand each other - rather than one is right and one is wrong.