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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
FiftyStoriesHigh · 02/03/2022 09:12

I actually think you’re person A for the way you pointed out all the empty seats.

DameHelena · 02/03/2022 09:13

@MsTSwift

My heart sank when I realised a partner at my work got the same train as me. Was relieved when he strode up and said “how lovely that we get the same train everyday I shall say good morning but enjoy my alone time” he was preaching to the converted!
That's a great example of being assertive but not unkind.
WimpoleHat · 02/03/2022 09:16

@MsTSwift

My heart sank when I realised a partner at my work got the same train as me. Was relieved when he strode up and said “how lovely that we get the same train everyday I shall say good morning but enjoy my alone time” he was preaching to the converted!
That’s a really nice way to do it. Polite and friendly; he has acknowledged that he’s seen you and greeted you. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to chat, rather than let you think it’s because he doesn’t want to chat to you personally. A lot of awkwardness potentially avoided!
SarahBellam · 02/03/2022 09:16

God, I hate talking to randomers on the bus - and for a whole hour? No way. Unless B and A are already very good friends who could happily sit in comfortable silence together I would find this very intrusive and unwelcome.

Grinling · 02/03/2022 09:18

@MarinoRoyale

Person B doesn’t get to dictate how Person A spends their time.
This. It’s not wrong to want to chat any more than it is wrong to want to stare out the window or read, but the one who wants to chat needs another person for her preferred activity, and it’s unfair to impose your wishes on someone else who’s signalled here not interested. An hour is also a really long time to expect someone else to play along.
Jossbow · 02/03/2022 09:19

You are a Pain in the arse Person B , please leave me alone, I dont wantto talk to you,or anyone for that matter

That hurts your feelings? Boohoo, never mind MY feelings

cherrysthename · 02/03/2022 09:19

I say YANBU but I would never have the bollocks to actually get up, have B get up and move so I could get out, and then find another seat just so that B knew she'd been well and truly pied off 😂 I quite admire it. (Unless this is over a series of journeys and you simply sat somewhere other than your usual spot on the last journey).

SarahBellam · 02/03/2022 09:20

@CeeceeBloomingdale

One is an introvert, one is an extrovert, they both think they are right. As an introvert person B would annoy me but person A was a bit rude. Person A should perhaps sit in the aisle seat so there isn’t a spare seat accessible beside them.
I’m an extravert but I wouldn’t force my presence on a randomer on the bus, or even someone I didn’t know really well.
Lottie2shoes · 02/03/2022 09:20

I think unless you are there, you do not know. I have at times in my life been person B and liked a friendly chat to pass the time and at times been person A, where I want to be left alone.

It depends how clear person A made it that they do not feel like talking. If they are answering back to any questions in order to be polite, then most people may assume they want to talk. If they clearly said they did not want to talk, and it could not have been misconstrued otherwise, then person B is the wrong.
But it sounds like person A might not have been clear as not to offend, but then just upped sticks and sat elsewhere which is actually more offensive.
So either person could have been offensive, person A for not being clear or person B for not reading the situation properly.

ElsieLappin · 02/03/2022 09:21

@Eastpoint

This explains why so many MNetters say they have no friends. Practice saying ‘sorry I haven’t got the headspace to chat today’ and B will understand & leave you alone. B will also still take you to hospital when your partner can’t or babysit when there’s an emergency. Being surly isn’t the way to go.
Lol a bit random, how on earth did you come to that conclusion? I'd hate it if there were loads of seats and someone sat next to me. It's just not British Grin (assuming you are) Person B is in the wrong and I'd find it weird and intrusive
roastedsaltedpeanut · 02/03/2022 09:21

I dislike chit chat immensely. But I will tolerate or even enjoy it if the other person is attractive and interesting, or if I am deadly bored (no book, no phones, no music)

Person A obviously doesn’t think much of Person B. Person B’s self image is challenged by Person A’s rejection.

You are obviously person A. No there is no need to socialise with someone just because you commute together. A nod with eye contact will do.

MrsWinters · 02/03/2022 09:22

Person B is a dickhead (and possibly my MIL by the sounds of it)

violet232 · 02/03/2022 09:22

Person B is definitely in the wrong here!

Grinling · 02/03/2022 09:23

Agreed, @ElsieLappin — i don’t generally let the potential for a random chatterbox on the bus to end up driving me to hospital in an emergency dictate my behaviour.

Onlyforcake · 02/03/2022 09:23

It's against the rules to move seats just to chat to someone on the bus unless you are invited. Who does not know this?!??

MoltenLasagne · 02/03/2022 09:24

I'm totally happy to chat on the bus and will usually say morning to whoever I sit next to but, let's be honest, pre coffee most people barely want to make eye contact let alone small talk. Person B is ridiculous.

Also I take issue with calling Person A unsociable when it's Person B who clearly doesn't understand how to read social cues and made the situation awkward.

beautifullymad · 02/03/2022 09:25

I thought the unwritten rule of travelling on a bus was to do it in silence. It's always been this way.
You are not being unreasonable!

AlisonDonut · 02/03/2022 09:26

I'm psyched up to talk when I get to work, not before.

I once saw a new colleague get on the same train, and the thought of having to talk to him for 90 whole minutes - sheesh no thanks.

Whereas I sat next to a lovely lady once, who was a lawyer and we spoke for 20 mins before she got off. A surprising conversation that wasn't forced at all. Unlike B!!!

Did laugh at B taking anyone to hospital - only if they capture it on social media for the glory of their sacrifice.

username1293948 · 02/03/2022 09:27

Person B is annoying and I would conveniently put headphones in the moment she gets on the bus

Sparkletastic · 02/03/2022 09:27

Person A has a right to their down time. Person B needs to find another outlet for their social needs.

gingerhills · 02/03/2022 09:29

There's a social etiquette thing going on here. if it's a 5 -10 minute journey, chatting is fine. Any longer and you respect people's privacy. I often get talked to/at by people at bus stops but then they make a point of sitting elsewhere once the bus arrives, so as not to overstep the mark.

If I was trying to deflect the chatter, I'd just say, 'Excuse me, I just have to take this call.'

It's hard. At times I've said, 'I have to prep for a meeting now,' to people I know reasonably well and who have clearly thought it was a brush off, whereas actually notes for the meeting had just arrived and if I didn't read them on the train, I'd be unprepared for the meeting.

We don't get through life without offending people sometimes, or without feeling offended by people who meant no harm.

Cuddlemuffin · 02/03/2022 09:30

Neither are in the wrong. People have personal preferences. Person A can sit alone, Person B can find someone else to chat to.

BusinessMindThoughts · 02/03/2022 09:31

A chat is fine but not for a full hour! Person A should bring a book/ headphones and say "it's lovely to see you but I'm using this hour to catch up on my reading/ listening to a podcast I'm addicted to" or similar.

CaptainMerica · 02/03/2022 09:31

I used to get the bus to work, and the same 6 - 8 people were at the bus stop every morning. It was a lovely, friendly bus stop, with everyone chatting nicely, while we waited. I really feel like I got to know everyone, and it was a really nice, diverse group.

Then when the bus arrived, we all spread out across the bus, and exchanged not a single word for the 1.5 hour journey, except maybe a "have a nice day" as people got off.

That's how it should be done.

WisherWood · 02/03/2022 09:32

A classic example of a needy extrovert not being able to understand or respect a quiet introvert. They are so fucking irritating.

Yes, this. Mind you, on one occasion on a bus going across Dartmoor I realised a woman on the bus was clearly looking to start up a conversation. I'm an introverted, grumpy sod but I was about to spend quite a lot of time on my own, so I responded. She talked a lot about her garden. In the course of the conversation she mentioned that she had been widowed three weeks previously, after almost 50 years of marriage. She was achingly lonely and lost. I'm glad I spent 20 minutes chatting to her.

But it was my choice and who knows what anybody on that bus had been going through at that point.

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