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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
FirewomanSam · 03/03/2022 20:11

It’s nice to be nice in a world that’s just shit right now.

And sometimes ‘being nice’ means backing off and giving someone some space when they ask for it! A lot of people are really anxious socially since Covid and chatting to a stranger for an hour feels like a huge deal.

Sizzer40 · 03/03/2022 20:13

@Calm33

OMG just how depressing the world has become with such a lot of miserable folk!
It’s not miserable to not want to chat to a stranger. Some people have really sh*t chat remember, I don’t wanna listen to some stranger spouting a load of nonsense at me! Leave me to my happy peaceful thoughts thank you!
FirewomanSam · 03/03/2022 20:18

I have a friend with terrible agoraphobia and social anxiety. Just getting on a bus would be a HUGE deal for her and she has been slowly building herself back up to doing things like that more regularly, but she says it totally wipes her out every time because it just takes so much mental energy.

A stranger sitting next to her and repeatedly trying to make conversation would be her worst nightmare and would probably set her recovery back weeks.

A little compassion works both ways, it’s not just the people who want some company and a chat who deserve to be treated with kindness.

surreygirl1987 · 03/03/2022 20:29

I am person A. I'm not massively antisocial, but I a little introverted, and really appreciate 'me time' to recharge. Sometimes I really really need it. Bus journeys and train journeys are a great opportunity for that. I'd have been annoyed at person B as well, although I'm not sure I'd have moved seats. Maybe I'd have put headphones in.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/03/2022 20:31

I am normally B, but I wouldn't sit next to someone on an almost empty bus because it is an odd and intrusive thing to do.

If the bus is full and I need to sit next to someone, I usually try to strike a conversation, but can take a hint and will shut up if they are reluctant.

DeepDown12 · 03/03/2022 20:37

After I spend an entire day at work in meetings and communicating - the last thing I want on my commute back home is to chat and spend more energy engaging with a stranger when its my chance to recharge so that I can do that with my own family at home.

Mummytotwogirls01 · 03/03/2022 20:40

I used to hate it when I was pregnant coz anywhere I went I'd get people telling me about their kids or grandkids I was secretly thinking I really don't care and just want to chill!! I was always polite and acted interested though as I didn't want to be rude! I didn't mind too much with my first but it was when I was pregnant with my second I already knew we how little sleep I'd get etc! I was on the us the other day with my toddler there was only me and another woman on the bus - I had a pram so was near the front and she was sat near the back after about 5 mins she walked to the front of the bus and said 'what's it like being a mum' I just thought what a way to start a conversation where do I start??!

Mandyjack · 03/03/2022 20:49

@HelenWick

What is the relationship between A and B? Do they know each other? How well? If B is A's child/parent it is very different to if they are a stranger or colleague they barely know....
I think it's assumed they are strangers
WhackusBonkus · 03/03/2022 20:51

I am, without doubt, Person A. But I would’ve made an effort to chat. You never know when someone needs a bit of social input.. like really needs. I am not particularly sociable but I can DO sociable

Mamanyt · 03/03/2022 20:53

Neither is unreasonable. They are very different personalities, and neither should take it personally. Myself, drag me to a party, and at some point you'll find me in the kitchen, making friends with the family pets, or in a corner, watching everyone else...and having a fine time doing it. And those who say "Go big or go home" have drastically underestimated my complete willingnes, nay, eagerness to go home

optimistic40 · 03/03/2022 20:55

I prefer quiet journeys with a book. Sometimes I am more chatty and could sit beside someone. I would take the hint without getting shitty if they didn't want to chat, and just casually listen to some music or read my book instead.

WhackusBonkus · 03/03/2022 20:55

@Sizzer40

Person A could be grieving, on the way to a worrying GP appointment, on the way home to an abusive partner etc. Person B should find conversation from friends who want to engage. There’s nothing wrong with striking up a convo with a stranger, but read the signals.. if they don’t want to chat then strangers aren’t obliged to entertain you!
Person B could be grieving/anxious or phobic.. or all 3.. and the only way to get through the bus journey is to try to busy their mind by chatting.

We are all fighting different battles. The least we can do.. unless, due to some dire circumstance we really can’t, is be polite

disconnected101 · 03/03/2022 20:57

I'm an introvert and I love having that time on my own. I'm perfectly happy in my own company. I'm not sure extroverts get that about introverts. That opinion is based on my experience of extroverts.

MichelleScarn · 03/03/2022 20:58

@Michellecanfuckoff

Michelle can fuck off Indeed Grin
Absolutely wounded!! Flouncetty flounce.... 🙃
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/03/2022 21:07

@WhackusBonkus - according to hart OP, person A did try to politely convey that they didn’t want to talk, but person B ignored this - arguably this was rude of person B.

It seems as if the introverts are the ones who are expected to be polite and engage in unwanted conversation, but politeness and consideration should go both ways.

thenovice · 03/03/2022 21:26

I have resorted to speaking pretending I don't speak English, just to put a stop to this sort of misery. My 90 minutes on the train once a week is my only time to think my own thoughts and have a bit of peace and quiet from the DDs. I will not engage in idle chat in that precious time.
YANBU

ldontWanna · 03/03/2022 21:28

@WhackusBonkus what if A is going through the same and the only way of keeping it together is letting her thoughts roam and staring out the window in silence?

Why is the benefit and sympathy always towards the "chatty" person?

thenovice · 03/03/2022 21:29

I hate that extroverts are always criticising me and saying there is something wrong with me if I am shy and that I should be more extrovert. WHY? Perhaps they should be more introvert. We are all different but it seems to me that the extrovert types are unable to accept anyone who is not like them.

Mamamoo12 · 03/03/2022 21:41

Are you person B if you know how they’d be feeling all day about it? I personally like the silence and hate people trying to make conversation. I normally smile, add a nod of Acknowledgment and then get my magazine out or put my headphones in

ClemFandangoo · 03/03/2022 21:45

@Ifeelsuchafool

I am person A by nature but would have engaged in conversation if in that situation. There are a lot of very lonely people out there. Maybe it might make all the difference to their day or even their MH to have had some human contact.
There are a lot of very overloaded people out there. Maybe it might make all the difference to their day or even their MH to have had some peace.
SylvieB74 · 03/03/2022 21:51

I wouldn’t mind someone talking to me on a bus. I go swimming most mornings a few older people talk and there’s nothing wrong with that, it doesn’t cost anything! All we hear is these days is about crippling loneliness and ‘be kind’ etc, utter balls written on social media about how people are always available, (or so they say) and don’t be alone, mental health blah blah. Then the real feelings of the majority of people on this thread show why there are these problems these days. Well thanks for being honest you utterly horrible people.

CantChatNow · 03/03/2022 21:57

I would make polite chit chat for a minute but I don’t want a long conversation with a random for 30 minutes after work. I remember pretending to be asleep once on a mega bus to get a bloke to fuck off because I was trapped in with him for 4 hours….

Fluffmum · 03/03/2022 21:58

Person B needs to know her boundaries

WhackusBonkus · 03/03/2022 22:00

[quote ldontWanna]@WhackusBonkus what if A is going through the same and the only way of keeping it together is letting her thoughts roam and staring out the window in silence?

Why is the benefit and sympathy always towards the "chatty" person? [/quote]
It isn’t @IDontWanna .. I was putting the other side across to @Sizzer40 who had already stated the case for that person who wanted peace

XenoBitch · 03/03/2022 22:00

You can get yellow bandanas, leads, and collars for dogs that say 'nervous' on... to show people that their dog needs space.
An equivalent thing for humans would be great.

I did see a bookmark on Pinterest that said in fancy lettering "Fuck off, I'm reading" Grin

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