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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
Mummyofsquidge · 03/03/2022 19:02

Person B.

I am very sociable too, but my commuting time is the only time I ever get to be alone on my thoughts. Frankly dread seeing someone I know as don't want to be rude to them to maintain my time. If I don't know them, then they need to leave me alone. I would of got up an moved too!

Margerine78 · 03/03/2022 19:03

YANBU - Team A every time - as an introvert my energy get zapped by making small talk, if I had someone badgering me on the bus for an hour I'd feel mentally drained - Person A might have had a personal thing she wanted to think about, or time out of a hectic life to stare out the window, or might be saving her energy and limited socialising capacity for an important meeting or a date- which selfish person B just zapped out of her.

Introverts have always been expected to live up to extrovert's needs even though its draining and uncomfortable - the latter needs to understand us more and read the signs.

sisuwasabellend · 03/03/2022 19:08

@Thirkettle

I don't talk to strangers. Frankly a stranger coming up and starting to talk at me would get a rude response indeed. If you're so socially inept you think that's appropriate you're about one step away from aggression in my eyes. As can be seen by how angered and affronted they get when you tell them to leave you alone. Nutjobs spoiling for a fight.
Forgive me, but you do sound like quite the nutter yourself...
RobynMyEmployer · 03/03/2022 19:09

I think it's also worth acknowledging that internet forums tend to attract a lot of people who struggle with the social skills to interact with strangers in real life. 😛

ClemFandangoo · 03/03/2022 19:10

What I’m learning from this thread is that people like person B don’t see anything wrong with it and think ‘I’m sociable so everyone else should be’ and people like person A are are thinking ‘I just need peace please leave me alone’ so who’s right?

Well if we respect each others preferences then person A is right because you can’t actually enforce peace on others but you can enforce your chatter Grin

ClemFandangoo · 03/03/2022 19:14

@RobynMyEmployer

I think it's also worth acknowledging that internet forums tend to attract a lot of people who struggle with the social skills to interact with strangers in real life. 😛
Disagree. Why is it right that extroverts can enforce their way but introverts can’t.

What if I said:
There are a lot of people out there who
struggle with the social skills and self awareness to realise WHEN you should interact with strangers in real life. Grin

FangsForTheMemory · 03/03/2022 19:14

I used to have a neighbour who took it into her head to walk to the station with me every morning. she must have been waiting by the front door with her coat on and when she heard me open my door, she'd shoot out like a bullet from a gun.

I hated this. That ten minute walk to the station was my preparation for the day. I was so glad when she gave up.

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2022 19:17

I am very sociable too, but my commuting time is the only time I ever get to be alone on my thoughts.

Or have a bit of quiet.

I’m sociable too but as we both know sociable people get tired too. It is not just introverts who want to be left alone or people lacking social skills.

Also, if someone has such great social skills, they should have the knowledge and experience to know how to read body language and the subtle signs of someone saying they would like to be left alone so it doesn’t escalate to a person having to drop several hints and feel forced to move.

Teejaybee · 03/03/2022 19:19

Person B! Should've been smart enough to read the signs after first attempt, but instead chose to ignore and became a massive pain. Person A was very polite by just moving seat because there are a lot of people out there would have been really rude!!!

Faeryfly · 03/03/2022 19:22

One word.

HEADPHONES

Even if you’re not actually listening to anything people
Tend to leave you alone if you have headphones on.

I’m autistic and a serious introvert. I dislike talking to people I don’t know and never know what to actually say. So I wear headphones places like busses so no one talks to me.

Mirw · 03/03/2022 19:28

I was person A for 3 and a, half years of a commute by bus cross country. There was a group of us who travelled each way on the same buses to and fro every day. We would soeak while waiting for the bus, then we would get on the bus, get our seats and ignore everyone, sometimes sleeping. If "person B" came along, they were told they get 5 minutes then they could be quiet or change seat. It worked. I couldn't afford the train so tge bus was it. I didn't pay to have to entertain other passengers because they were lonely or bored.

TillyTopper · 03/03/2022 19:32

Oh dear - I thought at least they knew each other. Person B is entirely unreasonable! Person A is at complete liberty to move, put head phones on, read whatever.

DuesToTheDirt · 03/03/2022 19:36

@RobynMyEmployer

I think it's also worth acknowledging that internet forums tend to attract a lot of people who struggle with the social skills to interact with strangers in real life. 😛
I've been thinking the same myself. Plenty of people on here won't answer the door and think it's cheeky to ring their bell, or expect a text to ask if it's ok to phone...
Calm33 · 03/03/2022 19:41

OMG just how depressing the world has become with such a lot of miserable folk!

Jem57 · 03/03/2022 19:47

It’s nice to be nice in a world that’s just shit right now.

Thisisit2022 · 03/03/2022 19:48

Isn't it a shame that we have to plug headphones in our ears or have a book as prop just to be left the fuck alone?

ldontWanna · 03/03/2022 19:50

@RobynMyEmployer

I think it's also worth acknowledging that internet forums tend to attract a lot of people who struggle with the social skills to interact with strangers in real life. 😛
I have the skills, I just don't want to.
ClemFandangoo · 03/03/2022 19:51

@Calm33

OMG just how depressing the world has become with such a lot of miserable folk!
That’s it though. Introverts or people who need quiet time to recharge aren’t miserable. They just get drained by people and need time to themselves. People are just different doesn’t mean they are miserable.

I’m a very happy and sociable person but I need to recharge my social battery now and then. It’s just how I am, I’m definitely not miserable though.

RewildingAmbridge · 03/03/2022 19:51

I'm an extrovert I like to talk to people but even I would tell her to fuck off!
You need to perfect your tube face, just the right blend of don't mess with me, there is nothing I'd rather do less than talk to you and if you talk to me you might unleash a can of worms you really don't want to be part of

DillDanding · 03/03/2022 19:57

Person B is a pain in the arse and needs to sod off.

Morgysmum · 03/03/2022 20:00

This was me with a Co worker.
I would like to sit and just chill before work, I am awake but like to come around a bit, so used the time on the bus to cone around, my colleague would get on the 2nd bus. We had to take 2 to work. She loved to chat, we worked together as well. When the bus was a double decker, I would sit upstairs, hoping if she didn't see me, she would sit and chat to other colleagues down stairs. Which worked for a bit till she worked out I was sat upstairs. Some of my shifts were half days, so finished before her, but on my full days, we had a chat on the way to town 2. So half hour in the morning, 12 hour shift, then half an hour home. I was glad she wasn't on my bus home. So I got my peace and quite. Sometimes you just need to get your head on in the morning.

RiverSkater · 03/03/2022 20:01

B in the wrong, annoying too.

Buy some huge headphones = permission to ignore B and all like her.

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2022 20:06

Isn't it a shame that we have to plug headphones in our ears or have a book as prop just to be left the fuck alone?

Yes. It’s ridiculous the amount of hoops one has to go through just be able to sit in peace.

As rude as some people think OP is for moving, did any consider that if A just let her continue, B would think it’s ok to chat to OP every time she saw her on the bus given her reputation?

PersephonePomegranate · 03/03/2022 20:06

I'm sociable (mostly) but my commute is the only headspace I get! I'm not talking to anyone!

Sizzer40 · 03/03/2022 20:09

Person A could be grieving, on the way to a worrying GP appointment, on the way home to an abusive partner etc.
Person B should find conversation from friends who want to engage.
There’s nothing wrong with striking up a convo with a stranger, but read the signals.. if they don’t want to chat then strangers aren’t obliged to entertain you!