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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
katepilar · 03/03/2022 18:27

@CognitiveDissolver

I think the answers on mumsnet are going to be skewed in favour of Person A, because this is the safe space for people admitting to not answering the door, avoiding people, and so on.

But my opinion is that while both committed social faux pas, Person B was the rudest because walking off and sitting somewhere else is about as cutting and unkind as it can get. Its only a bus journey, presumably its only happened once, how hard is it to be polite for the duration of a bus journey? I think its a shame if people don't talk to each other any more, there used to be more glue in our society and more tolerance of people who needed a chat. I realise it can be annoying but I don't think one bus journey of chat is completely intolerable.

Its only a bus journey, presumably its only happened once, how hard is it to be polite for the duration of a bus journey?

VERY hard if you are not feeling like it for whatever reason. five minutes can be too long, let alone an hour!

OMG12 · 03/03/2022 18:30

And to those who say be kind it might be the only person B gets to talk to, yes but this might be the only time of alone time A gets. For many people that time is vital to their mental health

Ifeelsuchafool · 03/03/2022 18:30

I am person A by nature but would have engaged in conversation if in that situation. There are a lot of very lonely people out there. Maybe it might make all the difference to their day or even their MH to have had some human contact.

RobynMyEmployer · 03/03/2022 18:30

I wouldn't sit next to somebody on a nearly empty bus, but if I had to I might try and chat. Defo on a train. But it's pretty obv when somebody doesn't want to and at that point you leave them be.

Hushhush89 · 03/03/2022 18:30

I'm the same as person A (thankfully I hardly use buses anymore) I feel very awkward when out and about and prefer to keep to myself, I would always wear headphones and had them on show so others could tell, but I would always get someone come sit with me and start tapping me so they could talk 😒

WisherWood · 03/03/2022 18:31

People travelling on the bus who like to make conversation might be lonely and not see people except when out. What a shame people seem so rude and aggressive to a stranger whose circumstances you don't know. Can you really not make an effort to be kind and give someone a few minutes of your time, however banal the conversation?

Or, to put it another way:
People travelling on the bus who don't like to make conversation might be busy and not get any alone time except when travelling. What a shame people seem so rude and aggressive to a stranger whose circumstances you don't know. Can you really not make an effort to be kind and leave someone alone, rather than engage them in banal conversation?

I mean that might now jar with you, but why? Some people need quiet time the way some people need to chat. Neither trumps the other. So if you need to chat, find someone who also wants to chat. You can if need be find a happy/ chatty bench. If there isn't one near you, consider setting one up. Then chatty people can chat, and non-chatty people can have their quiet time.

Lavagirl · 03/03/2022 18:31

I'm a natural chatter, I have really missed those chance opportunities you get to interact with people because I'm WFH. But I do try to exercise a bit of self-awareness, and read the signals I get from others. I'm never offended if they send me a strong signal that they want to be left alone and I don't think others should either. I also understand that if other 'chatters' like me don't take subtle hints to go away, it's my right to make my hints less subtle. Eg Yawn, say 'God I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to use this journey to catch up on some sleep' or 'sorry if it's rude, but i'm going to put my headphones on now because I'm listening to a lecture before I go in to work'.... whatever. If they're offended, they're not worth being polite to, they are totally lacking in self awareness and that isn't your problem.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/03/2022 18:33

@Eastpoint

This explains why so many MNetters say they have no friends. Practice saying ‘sorry I haven’t got the headspace to chat today’ and B will understand & leave you alone. B will also still take you to hospital when your partner can’t or babysit when there’s an emergency. Being surly isn’t the way to go.
To quote from the OP, @Eastpoint:

”…Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk…”

Person A tried to get person B to understand - and was polite - but person B didn’t leave person A alone.

In my opinion, person A did nothing wrong, and has no obligation to entertain B. And B needs to learn to read the signals and not annoy people.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/03/2022 18:35

@ShittyFingers

What about a bit of compassion for people who really need to be left alone to mentally prepare for the day? Decompress after a hard day? Come down after masking all day or chill out for an hour before facing a day of exhausting masking?

Or don’t these people matter?

As an introvert myself, you definitely have my sympathy and compassion, @ShittyFingers.
Jewel52 · 03/03/2022 18:41

I’m a person A but have been sat next to a person B on a long haul flight with no other seat to go to. Your bus scenario is nothing in comparison!

Lostinmiddleage · 03/03/2022 18:42

I’m definitely a type A person and think person should have taken the hint!

ReadtheReviews · 03/03/2022 18:44

Funny, I would just think B was confident and friendly not rude or arrogant. If A had had a book, disturbing them would be bad, otherwise, well, maybe B should have sat nearby and attempted to strike up conversation rather than getting so close straight away. But I think moving seats was pretty rude.

Bleachmycloths · 03/03/2022 18:46

I would find Person B an absolute PITA. Many people regard travel time as a time for relaxation before work. I work with someone who starts twittering and wittering about CRAP as soon as I walk through the door. I’d love to say ‘Fuck off! Leave me alone for 10 minutes while I sort myself out for the day!’

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2022 18:48

Its only a bus journey, presumably its only happened once, how hard is it to be polite for the duration of a bus journey?

How hard is it to sit in one of the many empty seats and wait until you run into someone who is chatty like you instead of expecting a stranger to pander to your need for a chat?

If you read OP’s post, OP was told by someone who also rides the same bus, B is known for being a chatty person and talks to everyone when she rides. B usually finds someone else but this time instead of choosing to wait for someone she decided on A for a conversation.

Templeblossom · 03/03/2022 18:48

@csigeek

It seems to be a common perception that introverts are the problem and need to come out of their shell to stop extroverts feeling uncomfortable that others can be quiet and shy. No. Extroverts need to learn to shut the fuck up.
AMEN to this!
Iusedtofly · 03/03/2022 18:53

I can relate…..😂

reader12 · 03/03/2022 18:54

Person b is in the wrong but person a was rude to move. Being politely assertive and direct is a very useful skill to develop.

Longleggedgiraffe · 03/03/2022 18:54

There's no need to analyse this too deeply. Person B made an attempt to talk. Person A made it clear they didn't wish to talk. Person B should simply accept this with good grace and shut up.

Queeniepies · 03/03/2022 18:56

I think good for you, OP! I am sick of people thinking they can just talk 'at' me for ages!

ClemFandangoo · 03/03/2022 18:57

Person A might be the only person Person B speaks to all day.

And Person B might have had constant stress and chatter all day and needs peace. Why would Person A’s needs trump Person AB’s?

ClemFandangoo · 03/03/2022 18:58

Person Bs*

bigyellowTpot · 03/03/2022 18:59

I am like person B, but I do have the ability to pick up on when people don't want to talk and I would leave person A alone. I do love a good natter and will happily chat to anyone and everyone, I do have the odd time though usually when I'm tired or not feeling too good when I'm not in the mood for chatting and I also want to be left. Overall I have found the older generation to have much better social skills and enjoy a good natter much more than younger people. Younger people have shocking social skills probably because they've grown up communicating through a screen rather than face to face with an actual person. The loneliness this younger generation are going to face in older age because they seriously lack social skills and haven't learnt the art of everyday conversation and how to communicate with an actual person is going to be immense. In your scenario person B should have picked up on that A didn't want to talk and left them alone. But I do also think person A was rude to just get up and move as B was only being friendly.

TheJade · 03/03/2022 18:59

I don’t think either are wrong or unreasonable! They both want different things

Iusedtofly · 03/03/2022 19:00

@PuppyMonkey

I’m the sort of person who will accidentally on purpose have to crouch down and pretend to pick something off the floor on buses so I can hide if I spot anyone I know - even if it’s someone I like. I have no idea why, it’s just my instinct.Grin
Posted too soon! I meant I can relate to this 🤣
ChocolateIsAlwaysTheAnswer · 03/03/2022 19:01

Person B is unreasonable. Person A does not have to chat to a stranger on the bus.
Exact same thing happened to me. Said guy got off the bus and said 'Sorry if I scared you love but conversation is the art of life and I can tell you this, you will not get very far in life.'

Patronising bellend.

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