Wants the lifestyle but someone else has to pay for it?

[cleocleo24]

If you knew someone with this attitude, not benefits related, what would you think of them? Could you be friends?

Yes, I would be friends with them as long as they weren’t expecting me to pay for it. If they find someone willing to pay for his/her lifestyle then fair play to them

What about if someone has paid for their lifestyle and then they are shafted financially by them once they break up?

Does it not seem really entitled to you? Why should someone else pay?

More fool the person who paid! I have been the fool in this situation!

You don't have to be friends with anyone. If your moral compasses are not compatible then just don't be friends with them. We all have our boundaries.

@BertyFlanter

You don't have to be friends with anyone. If your moral compasses are not compatible then just don't be friends with them. We all have our boundaries.

Yes. I am currently trying to work out where my moral compass lies with this.

This person has now separated from the person funding her and is bad mouthing him to everyone because he said he won't pay for her anymore. She has now managed to convince him into still paying for her. Apparently he's not a man, he's a boy because he won't fund her. Even when they were together and he didn't want to fund her but was giving money for dc she still wanted him to fund her. When he wasn't happy doing it.

Well that would indicate that they are not a very nice person and I probably wouldn’t bother with them anymore. I value kindness and treating others as you would like to be treated

Would this not include everyone who lives with a higher earning partner and therefore has a lifestyle they can't afford alone?

How long was the relationship? To what extent was she funded?

@Molly70

Well that would indicate that they are not a very nice person and I probably wouldn’t bother with them anymore. I value kindness and treating others as you would like to be treated

Yes I am swaying that way. My eyes have been opened in the past 6 months to this. No she doesn't ask me for anything but her expectation that she has the lifestyle whilst working minimal hours and someone else pays for it doesn't suit me.

Over the years I have seen and heard of examples of where she doesn't seem to have a problem accepting free things from people but I am rather shocked how she's treating her ex.

Even when they were together and he didn't want to fund her but was giving money for dc she still wanted him to fund her. When he wasn't happy doing it.

What do you mean by "fund her"? Was she a SAHM?

@DrSbaitso

Would this not include everyone who lives with a higher earning partner and therefore has a lifestyle they can't afford alone?

Yes- I get what you are saying but in this case the balance of finances was so unfair. In your example I guess the other person is at least contributing to bills.

He worked very long hours earning a decent amount. Gave her £00s a month whilst paying all the bills and mortgage. He does the vast majority of childcare to school age dc.

She worked very minimal hours and had this money and her own wages too. Ex got fed up with this arrangement. Now she's bad mouthing him because he only wants to pay CM and has let her keep the house.

What's your connection to this situation?

Did she work minimal hours in order to be able to avoid childcare costs/ allow him to work full time hours?
I was a sahm while my exdh worked 70 hours a week on the other side of the country earning lots of money. If I hadn’t been a sahm he would not have been able to advance his career to the point he did and I would be earning an awful lot more than I currently am. Luckily he doesn’t see it as funding my lifestyle and pays me money to live in the same way he would be able to if he was the resident parent

Depends on the friend really. I have friends whose families are wealthy enough to fund their kids forever and then some. Doesn't especially bother me. I think if it was somehow taking from someone who couldn't afford it though, I'd find that really off-putting.

She can work more hours, she doesn't want to and doesn't intend to now they have split up. He's meant to be paying for her and is very angry he cut her off. She knew this was coming and carried on spending money meant for dc on herself.

He does the majority of childcare except she does more school runs.

I guess I always thought he was a bit of a mug and she was taking advantage but if he was ok with it then nothing to do with me. But her attitude since he wasn't ok with it and since they split is he should fund her anyway. Now he has left she is cutting him to the wire financially whilst knowing he can't even afford legal fees. Whilst walking away with a huge asset- the house. But again, she didn't ask for the house but wants more on top of that.

@SoberSerena

Depends on the friend really. I have friends whose families are wealthy enough to fund their kids forever and then some. Doesn't especially bother me. I think if it was somehow taking from someone who couldn't afford it though, I'd find that really off-putting.

Do they have an entitled attitude with it though and want someone else to pay for them at their expense?

Seems you've already made your mind up, OP.

You may be right, of course. But I'd like to hear the other side of this.

Have you posted about this before? The woman who says £350/month isn’t enough, even though she’s getting the house and despite your friendship group telling her to get with it? If so, you’re terribly invested in her, almost like you want her to get her come uppance.

Of course she’s entitled, of course she’s been spoilt, of course she’s got away with it for years. Nothing good will come of you obsessing about her situation. Just drop it. Be her friend, or don’t. I don’t believe that’s your issue.

The friends I've mentioned dont have an attitude but tbh, there is minimal chance of them ever being short of money, so it's quite easy to be laid back about your 'entitlement' in those circumstances.

If they were in the middle of a divorce and thought they were about to lose everything maybe they wouldn't be so laid back.

I don't think you like this woman and that's up to you really. If you're sure she spent her dcs money on herself etc and is being grabby, that's understandable. But on the face of it, a high earner who works long hours paying the mortgage and bills is quite normal, BUT, what is unusual is you say he does the childcare as well? How is he doing that on top of the long work hours? Also, for a high earner, "hundreds" to his wife to spend on whatever isn't that unusual. Usually it's for outings with dcs and groceries etc. Not for, I don't know, hair extensions or a solo holiday or whatever.

It's really difficult to fully understand how other people's relationships work enough to go off a friend over it imo. But if you are in a position to know exactly what is going on and you believe she has shafted the high earning man, then, I'd say, that's an unusual situation, but you know them best

Who will the children be living with?

If they are living with him, then she won't be getting CM from him and he has no reason to "fund" her.

If she is going to be primary carer for the children, then the reality is that he may he to "fund" her to some degree to provide a decent standard of living for his children.

Probably not. Because, sooner or later, they will be looking to me to fund something.

I'd think people like this are really rare. And that I probably only know half the story.

@DrSbaitso

Seems you've already made your mind up, OP.

You may be right, of course. But I'd like to hear the other side of this.

In what way?

I guess her side is she didn't ask her DH to pay her £00 each month. I expect the arrangement was made whilst she was a SAHM but once she started working the arrangement wasn't changed. I guess you could say that's her DH fault for that, she wasn't going to say no. I don't know if they had conversations about it.

He earned good money and over spent on unnecessary items instead of saving, going on family holidays etc. She was mad about this. I can see why it was a stupid amount monthly to spend on an item. But then at the same he was giving her exactly the same amount which was apparently for food and dc a activities but would have left her with £00 left. She also wasn't spending it on family things like he thought he should be.

He was away a lot when dc little so probably did do all childcare alone and was probably lonely. He became resentful of her lifestyle and spending the money, whilst he was high stressed. She still expected a lot from him despite her being at home a lot. she was restful he was away a lot.

He started being home more. I think she thought he owed her in terms of childcare as she had been alone with a baby. She also says she funded him for the first 5 years of the relationship. He's probably funded her the last 5 years though.

He had debt she only found out about accidentally. She was very cross.

That's probably her side of the story.

It sounds as if she supported him as he progressed in his career by picking up the slack at home. You cannot get those years back in terms of career, so it would be really unreasonable to expect her to now, suddenly, be able to provide for her dcs in the same way her h did, because she didn't have a wife at home doing all the childcare while she progressed in her career. It's a tale as old as time, sadly. Doesn't sound as if he was shafted at all. Actually think she's coming out of the marriage worse off because she missed out on developing her career while she was a sahm?