Wants the lifestyle but someone else has to pay for it?

[cleocleo24]

If you knew someone with this attitude, not benefits related, what would you think of them? Could you be friends?

I have said a few times now. He does school run twice a week. She does it the rest. He does majority of weekend care. He would put her to bed the days she's had off once he got back from work.

@DrSbaitso

What have I said that has made me look like I despise her

"...shafted financially..."

"...really entitled..."

"...bad mouthing him..."

"What would you think of them? Could you be friends?"

"In what way?" (In response to asking for her side of it, as if the concept is totally baffling.)

"...expected a lot from him..."

And this is all just from page 1. Plus your belief that he was the main earner doing long hours yet somehow did most of the childcare, that he shouldnt have to do bedtime after working all day and the fact that he hid debt from her, which you've barely acknowledged.

If you can't see how this is coming across, I can't trust a single bloody thing you're saying about this marriage that totally has no connection to you.

Ok. I take your point. The first two are my opinion. The last is fact. Although I could argue the second point is fact too. I am not the only one in our group men and women who think this too.

@cleocleo24

I have said a few times now. He does school run twice a week. She does it the rest. He does majority of weekend care. He would put her to bed the days she's had off once he got back from work.

Yeah yeah. Days "off", doing childcare all day. And God forbid a man who works long hours should be expected to spend an hour or so with his kids when he gets home.

What a crock...CleoCleo.

Not a friend but my brother. I've posted this on the lending someone money post. My brother and his wife are a very "keep up with the Jones's" and have alot of debt,Inc £13 grand of my dad's redundancy which they never paid back. Lost 2 houses. Money my late dad lent was to get them out of a sticky latch with debt and them on the verge of separating because of it. They ended up usingsome of the money to go to New York 😡We no longer speak.

I am not the only one in our group men and women who think this too.

No, I bet you're not! So what?

@renamer

“I guess it was only because she earns too but wasn't contributing anything to money wise to the bills etc but was still getting money from him on top for food and their dcs activities.”

Well why the hell wouldn’t she?

She was a SAHM - to HIS kids - while he built up the big career salary. Then she worked part-time.

Are you saying she should have lived like a pauper in her own home because she earned less?

The fact she even talks about receiving an “allowance” from her OWN HUSBAND would set-off alarm bells for me. I won’t go so far as to suggest financial abuse, but certainly it sounds controlling on his part.

Why did she not just have access to family money like a normal person?

Wake up OP. What is wrong with you?

I will also ask if you are an MRA or at least a very stingy man because this thread is peculiar.

No. I am saying she probably should have used her earnings to pay into their joint money for bills etc too. She had a massive disposable income while he paid for it all.

Yes it is suspicious that she had no access to his wage except the money he gave her. I expect it was his way of covering the debt he was in. She's never ever said he was financially controlling though. I think she was more than happy with the arrangement and that's why she's cross it's ended.

Once the dc was at school he was there more. Expected to put dc to bed after working late on her days off. He did more at weekends and school run the two days she was at work. He's extremely hands on and is always the one looking after dc whenever we meet up.

This is very telling op. He was ‘expected’ to put the kids to bed after being at work. He was ‘hands on’ because he looks after his own dc while she is out. I think your expectations of what constitutes a good father are extremely low. You clearly don’t like her, you are definitely not a friend as you frown on her every move while holding her ex up as some sort of saint for basic parenting and on that basis I think you should step away and leave her to it.

Plus, as they were married and it seems she will be taking on the vast majority of care for the dc (he’s obviously not ‘hands on’ enough to fight for 50/50) she will be entitled to the house or financial support to set up another home to raise the dc. He isn’t doing her any favours.

Okay. Ignoring all the circumstances and issues and sides.

You’ve said that whenever you meet, this is all she talks about, and she rants and won’t listen to another side of the discussion, and doesn’t talk about anything else.

I would find this incredibly boring, and would feel I was being used as a recipient for her rants and not as a friend, so I wouldn’t want to spend any more time with her on those grounds.

No need for a moral compass, just a threshold of what friendship means - mutual care and support, fun and enjoyment. She scores zero on those, so I’d be out.

I’m struggling to understand why someone would spend hours and hours detailing their personal problems to a ‘friend’ so critical that they then try to decide whether to dump them.

It's none of your business, in fairness.

Yes it is suspicious that she had no access to his wage except the money he gave her. I expect it was his way of covering the debt he was in.

Gracious me.

She's never ever said he was financially controlling though.

Oh, well, that's OK then.

You are incredibly selective about what you choose to take at face value from her and what requires deep critical analysis.

“No. I am saying she probably should have used her earnings to pay into their joint money for bills etc too. She had a massive disposable income while he paid for it all.“

How do you know what her disposable income was, compared to his?

Yes, I’m most families her money and his would just go into a shared account. Then they would just spend what they need.

Sounds like he didn’t want shared finances?

Sounds like him giving her this “allowance” (on top of her part-time wage) was a way controlling or ring-fencing her spending and any money spent on the kids?

Put it this way OP, I am a SAHM. If my husband had ever, even once, breathed a word about giving me an “allowance,” I wouldn’t have had children with him, let alone left my career to SAH. Wtf!

@renamer

“No. I am saying she probably should have used her earnings to pay into their joint money for bills etc too. She had a massive disposable income while he paid for it all.“

How do you know what her disposable income was, compared to his?

Yes, I’m most families her money and his would just go into a shared account. Then they would just spend what they need.

Sounds like he didn’t want shared finances?

Sounds like him giving her this “allowance” (on top of her part-time wage) was a way controlling or ring-fencing her spending and any money spent on the kids?

Put it this way OP, I am a SAHM. If my husband had ever, even once, breathed a word about giving me an “allowance,” I wouldn’t have had children with him, let alone left my career to SAH. Wtf!

I think it's different if you are a SAHM. I have been in that situation myself. When you have no way of earning yourself.

Yes- I think you're right about him not wanting her to access the rest of his earnings. I do think it was to hide how much debt he was in. He's a bit of an entrepreneur and I always found it strange when they said they couldn't afford dh and z when he earns the same as my DH and we can.

It's certainly put a new slant on it. It has made me realise I am going to have a much more open mind to it next time I meet with her and try and see it more from her POV. I don't think she's helped herself in some of the ways she's spent the money or what she's said about it all. But you are right, it's not as black and white as that.

It has made me realise I am going to have a much more open mind to it next time I meet with her and try and see it more from her POV.

If you do actually want to do her a favour, don't meet her again.

I have a very strong suspicion that you’re the man here OP. Im not sure what else would justify your level of interest in someone else’s finances and attempt to encourage people to criticise your ‘friend’.
If you actually are her friend, or have been presenting as such as she offloads, then both of you probably have some reevaluation to do.

You’re quite obviously green with envy. You ever heard the saying ‘With friends like that, who needs enemies.’? Sums you up.
Focus on your own life and stop clutching your pearls about other people’s. If the bloke doesn’t like the way he’s treated, it’s up to him to sort it.

Maybe she wants to meet someone to look after her because the father of her kids worked from 6am to 10pm and left her to do everything alone? Maybe she wants someone rich because she had a partner that worked outrageous hours yet ended up in large amounts of secret debt?

If you don't want to listen to her anymore then back away the friendship, you seem to be committed to viewing everything she says in the worst possible light while you see secret debt man as a saint.

I think it's different if you are a SAHM. I have been in that situation myself.

And you thought of your days with the children as "days off", did you? And were happy for your husband to come home, having not seen them all day, and just ignore you all?

“ Yes- I think you're right about him not wanting her to access the rest of his earnings. I do think it was to hide how much debt he was in. He's a bit of an entrepreneur and I always found it strange when they said they couldn't afford dh and z when he earns the same as my DH and we can. “

So one minute he’s the poor, high earning, woebegone husband who even DOES CHILDCARE of a weekend.

Now, in reality, he’s a husband with undisclosed debt who doesn’t allow his wife to have full access to HIS salary or even financial transparency?

Ok then ....

Your mistake, OP, was trying this on a place like Mumsnet instead of Reddit or some other WomenSuck.com place. We're mostly mothers here (clue's in the name) and we spot stuff like "hiding debt" and "entitled attitude even though she doesn't have free access to the money" and "days with the children are days off" and "expecting him to do bedtime after not seeing the family all day" and "works such long hours yet still does most childcare" and "stellar grade A father for doing basic parenting, even on weekends" and everything else.

As for "what's an MRA", don't make me laugh.

Something doesn’t add up here. If this is genuinely what she had told you and you’re not sprinkling little bits in here and there to try and change the overall opinion on here of her then it looks to me like she’s just trying to make her life seem better.

If he does the majority of the childcare why is he paying maintenance at all? He works long hours but does the majority of the care?

If their finances were working well whilst they were together then why bring that up? I actually find it quite abusive she had an ‘allowance’ rather than all money going into a joint account and them both having full access just so he can hide his debt. But she had extra money so I guess boo hoo, poor man.

As for this:

It is true, I am finding it hard to respect someone who so openly wants to be looked after and paid for by someone else-

If he’s paying for her then more fool him. I don’t see how that’s any of your business, at all.

Sounds like you're trying to find a rleason to bin off your friend of 10 years so you can go after her ex.

Given the way you feel about her I'd say the 'friendship' is dead in the water regardless.

You seem very invested and know so much detail about this and their lives, I can't help wonder if this woman is actually you.

You say she 'contributed nothing' while he paid for everything. What does this mean exactly?

It sounds like she did all childcare during his long working hours until kids were school age and more than half now. That's not nothing .

Who did the grocery shopping? Meal planning? Cleaning the house? Organising presents and celebrations for birthdays and christmas? Who organised the children's activities/programmes/school/homework? Who organises and takes the children to the doctor/dentist/opticians? Who takes the car to the garage when it needs servicing? Who organises and stops in when tradesmen are needed to fix the plumbing/dishwasher/refrigerator?

If she really doesn't do any of this and has a cook/cleaner/house manager then she's having her lifestyle 'funded.' If she manages all the household tasks, most of the childcare, and works minimal hours then I'm not surprised she doesn't have the energy or drive to develop a career at this stage. I think it's unfair to say she never wanted one - motivation and confidence diminishes as you get further out of that track and if they'd split everything evenly from the beginning she may have had one. Now she's probably middle aged, feeling like she's put her time in 'working' the 6am-10pm work days he did but from home and now she has nothing to show for it. I'd be bitter too.

BUT she does need to accept the reality of her situation and stop moaning and figure out her next move.

Have you got your eye on him OP?