Wants the lifestyle but someone else has to pay for it?

[cleocleo24]

If you knew someone with this attitude, not benefits related, what would you think of them? Could you be friends?

I don't think they have sorted out the childcare division yet. He does two days anyway so will probably stick to that and she talked about eow.

*during the week.

He was doing a lot of childcare when she saw the married man, unbeknownst to him. He's back from work with more sensible hours now. She would go on Thursdays and Fridays so I assume he was doing pick up/drop off or her parents helped. She was away a lot of weekends so he did childcare.

You don't sound a very good friend, op. You are ascribing the worst possible motives to her actions.

Do you think her 'stance' comes from anger? Personally, I would not be impressed with my Co parent being out of the house from 6AM to 10PM. Particularly if it was for the purposes of increasing his personal wealth and moving up the ladder, at the expense of my free labour.

Fathers can get away with a lot of shit and be praised for it under the guise of 'work'.

Are you in love with the DH?

Ok so the friend has enjoyed a generously funded lifestyle from her husband at the time which allowed her to be a SAHM and work a job for minimum hours. But they have split so I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect the financial arrangement to stay the same as if they were married.

Would I stay friends with her? Maybe but would perhaps encourage her to look at the situation in a different light and be a little more self sufficient. What if her ex changed or lost his job and there was less money about?

Oh op. Just stop. You’re now dripping in she saw a married man trying to turn opinion.

Just stop now pretending to be her friend whilst spilling every single detail of this poor woman’s life in such a vicious manner.

There is something driving you, and you are clearly not going to admit what it is, but it’s clear you hate her and resent her. No one treats or speaks about a friend like this.

@Anniefrenchfry

Oh op. Just stop. You’re now dripping in she saw a married man trying to turn opinion.

Just stop now pretending to be her friend whilst spilling every single detail of this poor woman’s life in such a vicious manner.

There is something driving you, and you are clearly not going to admit what it is, but it’s clear you hate her and resent her. No one treats or speaks about a friend like this.

I don't think I have been nasty. I have just laid out what's happened and what she's told me. I haven't said she wants to be looked after etc. I am using her own words. I don't think I have called her any other names.

I do like her but I am finding it tricky to find my moral compass on the situation.

My actual thread wasn't to talk about her anyway. I actually wanted to find out if others had let a friendship slide as their friend was doing something/ had an attitude which they did not agree with.

@Iamnotamermaid

Ok so the friend has enjoyed a generously funded lifestyle from her husband at the time which allowed her to be a SAHM and work a job for minimum hours. But they have split so I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect the financial arrangement to stay the same as if they were married.

Would I stay friends with her? Maybe but would perhaps encourage her to look at the situation in a different light and be a little more self sufficient. What if her ex changed or lost his job and there was less money about?

We have all tried this. I have gently tried to outline this to her, especially as I think how finances are unstable.

She will not listen to anything that points out his POV. We have all been telling her to prepare herself for this but she hasn't listened. She bite your head off if you say anything which doesn't agree with her opinion. This is also part of my issue.

You seem awfully well informed about the financial status of the ex husband but more vague about that of your “friend”

Look, you obviously disapprove of her wanting to be suppprted by her ex husband. Stop being friends with her if it’s causing you such anguish. Or just carry on shagging her ex husband and believing him when he claims he can’t afford to do anything for you because he has to pay all his money on manicures and holdup for his ex wife.

It's poles apart from my outlook so I don't think I could be friends - I'd wish her well and move on.

Sorry OP, but you sound really weird.

You don't like her, in fact you despise her

You are envious of her easy money

So no, not a good basis for friendship

Obviously!

How was he “giving her money” exactly? They were married with kids!

Does your husband keep separate finances and “give you money” OP? Is this the real issue here?

If so, you have far bigger problems than this “friendship.”

Now you are telling us he has left her?

As for “I am finding it tricky to find my moral compass on the situation” - just listen to yourself! How sanctimonious can you get?

@PossiblyDreaming

You seem awfully well informed about the financial status of the ex husband but more vague about that of your “friend”

Look, you obviously disapprove of her wanting to be suppprted by her ex husband. Stop being friends with her if it’s causing you such anguish. Or just carry on shagging her ex husband and believing him when he claims he can’t afford to do anything for you because he has to pay all his money on manicures and holdup for his ex wife.

Haha! Love your reply.

She's told us in intimate detail about their finances. Plus he asked my DH to borrow money which doesn't seem a good situation to be in. These are all things they have told us. I am not speculating. I probably know more about his finances because she has so openly told us how much he earns, how much he gives her, how much his expenses were, that they have no mortgage etc. She's very open. She's kind of got us this involved I guess by her own openness. She doesn't know mine and DHs finances.

Yes- I think I will let it slide for now was every time I see her it's one massive slag fest of him.

Anyone planning on actually answering the thread question? Have you let a friendship slide as you disagree so much with an attitude your friend has or a things they have done?

So he did the bulk of the childcare, but also was away so much that she got lonely? Which was it?

Agree with others. Time to stop op. You frankly sound like the worst possible friend and a massive handmaiden to boot.

Have you let a friendship slide as you disagree so much with an attitude your friend has or a things they have done?

Not someone who looks after the kids the majority of the time with a part time Disney dad who has dumped her. No op. I haven’t.

@renamer

How was he “giving her money” exactly? They were married with kids!

Does your husband keep separate finances and “give you money” OP? Is this the real issue here?

If so, you have far bigger problems than this “friendship.”

Now you are telling us he has left her?

As for “I am finding it tricky to find my moral compass on the situation” - just listen to yourself! How sanctimonious can you get?

She was earning and he was giving her a monthly allowance so both were her disposable income. That was for a bit of food and dc activities. He was paying for absolutely everything else. This I hadn't thought much about as long as they were both happy.

I think she wants that to continue now they are separated or that he at least pays half whilst she continues to work very minimal hours. This is the bit I disagree with. The situation before isn't up to me and what they decided is up to them. It's how she has been since he was living there but they weren't together and since he has moved out. She is sending me long messages daily slagging him off about it, getting me involved. Wanting me to agree with her how terrible he is when I don't agree with her.

I really hope for your sake that she and your other friends don't read this thread and recognise you. If I knew anyone who behaved towards a female friend the way you have on here I would be totally disgusted and cut you out entirely

Why is ANY of this your business, OP? You don't sound like much of a friend to me. In fact, at best you sound over invested in someone else's business and at worst you sound jealous and judgmental. Are you sleeping with this woman's husband?

@MargosKaftan

So he did the bulk of the childcare, but also was away so much that she got lonely? Which was it?

As I have said. She Did the bulk whilst their one dc was young and he was away. Then he was back more and dc went to school he does the bulk. The difference is he works full time and long hours. She works minimal hours with dc at school. The division of Labour was weighed very much in her favour.

“Childcare” 🙄

Pre-pandemic, I used to do mad hours every third week, travelling abroad for work. I’d get home at 9pm on Thu night. At which point - I’d put our child to bed. I was always shattered at that point - not least because I started work at 6am that day to get away on time to make bedtime.

Was my husband taking the piss expecting me to do “childcare” those evenings? Was he fuck. It was my child. It wasn’t “childcare” - it was spending time with my child, whom I love.

Your stories of her as big bad Wolf making him work AND spend time with his children sound like horseshit.

“She was earning and he was giving her a monthly allowance so both were her disposable income. That was for a bit of food and dc activities. He was paying for absolutely everything else.”

And you think they makes her privileged?

What is wrong with you woman?

In a family with mutual children all money is shared. It’s not in the power of one to “give” the other money. Give me strength!

You’ve said he works very long hours but does the majority of the childcare? How is that even possible?

Exactly^^. In most marriages the money is all shared, so she would have had access to his entire big, fat salary. That's the way it works because it is very often the case that one partner is doing unpaid work in the home or took a hit to their career to do unpaid work in the home and now has less earning potential. If they had equal salaries it still would normally be shared

I think that you shouldn’t be friends with anyone that you look down on or criticize behind their back. Someone did the same to me and I was shocked to find out that she thought so little of me. I wouldn’t have willingly confided the details of my life and feelings to someone who held such a low opinion of me. Be honest with her and stop pretending to be her friend, it will be better for both of you.