Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wants the lifestyle but someone else has to pay for it?

183 replies

cleocleo24 · 01/03/2022 19:43

If you knew someone with this attitude, not benefits related, what would you think of them? Could you be friends?

OP posts:
CorvusPurpureus · 01/03/2022 21:44

New bf of yours, OP?

Either way, you don't like this woman. So don't be her friend.

sadpapercourtesan · 01/03/2022 21:46

Well, you're no friend of hers in any case, are you? Unless you're in the habit of starting vicious gossip threads about your friends.

Taking your thread title at face value, no, of course that's not a reasonable attitude to have in life. But having read your posts, I'd like to hear her side of the story. And I'd love to know the truth about your personal connection to this situation (not holding my breath on that one).

DrSbaitso · 01/03/2022 21:46

In what way?

In what way? You're confused at the idea that the ex might have her own side of this?

In what way? In the sense that it can get complicated as to what's fair in a financial settlement, given the push-pull of paid work vs unpaid work, and who facilitates whom and so on. And of course, after it's gone belly up, it's the lower earning woman who not only wants all the money now, but apparently unilaterally decided on expensive outgoings while the relationship was ongoing. Even your account of what you imagine her side to be is clearly weighted against her. But it yields the stuff I thought it might do.

CheshireChat · 01/03/2022 21:46

How was he doing the majority of childcare when he physically wasn't there 🤔?

Original poster
cleocleo24 · 01/03/2022 21:50

Sorry it's coming across line that. I do like her, we have been friends for 10 years plus. I just feel I am seeing another side to her I was aware was there but hadn't properly seen before. It's her attitude I don't like. I guess I am just trying to find how I feel about continuing being friends with someone who is bad mouthing her ex so much and wanting to be looked after- her words- and feels someone else should/will find her lifestyle.

Adding more information- whilst still living with her ex, semi separated but not she met a very wealthy married man and now has him paying for expensive items and weekends away.

I don't know- I am unsure I have a connection with her anymore.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/03/2022 21:51

I do like her

You really could have fooled me.

Original poster
cleocleo24 · 01/03/2022 21:52

@CheshireChat

How was he doing the majority of childcare when he physically wasn't there 🤔?
Once the dc was at school he was there more. Expected to put dc to bed after working late on her days off. He did more at weekends and school run the two days she was at work. He's extremely hands on and is always the one looking after dc whenever we meet up.
OP posts:
Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 21:53

You seem to be avoiding the question on whether you’re interested in her ex or involved with him. Or does your moral compass stop you going there?

Original poster
cleocleo24 · 01/03/2022 21:57

@Anniefrenchfry

You seem to be avoiding the question on whether you’re interested in her ex or involved with him. Or does your moral compass stop you going there?
No, but from what she has told me, not him, I feel sorry for him. We have all only really heard her side of the story and I have formed this opinion on what she has told me. Not him.
OP posts:
slashlover · 01/03/2022 21:58

How do you know so much about who paid for what and who did what childcare?

Why is it any of your business and why is it suddenly a problem for you when you say she's always been like that and you've known her for 10 years?

TheChronicalTales · 01/03/2022 22:00

You sound very invested in something that is literally non of your business. I wouldn’t judge my friend in this situation, no. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

CheshireChat · 01/03/2022 22:03

So he had to do more childcare when it was easier (when the kids are older). And he did it if and when he was off... Did you expect him to do no childcare even when he was at home?

DrSbaitso · 01/03/2022 22:07

You know far too much about their family setups, and are far too biased against her and invested in the whole thing, to have your connection be merely a friendship with her. You dislike her intensely and personally.

Original poster
cleocleo24 · 01/03/2022 22:10

@slashlover

How do you know so much about who paid for what and who did what childcare?

Why is it any of your business and why is it suddenly a problem for you when you say she's always been like that and you've known her for 10 years?

It's only become more apparent as her breakup has turned nasty. I have heard about the ins and outs continuously for the past 18 months. Either in person or ranting and long text messages about him every-time something kicks off. She's very open. When we talk it is all she talks about, the ex and the married guy.

At first I was very supportive but as it progressed and more of this attitude came out less so. Over the last few years as things began to go wrong we have all noticed how nasty she became to him. But he did things wrong too, as she did. Neither are blameless.

OP posts:
Rosebuud · 01/03/2022 22:13

You do seem overly invested in their relationship op, and sound almost furious at her and practically fawning over him, and all he does.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 01/03/2022 22:13

But she’s sacrificed her career options for their children

Original poster
cleocleo24 · 01/03/2022 22:25

@Rosebuud

You do seem overly invested in their relationship op, and sound almost furious at her and practically fawning over him, and all he does.
Nope. He's done things wrong and I was 100% on her side until she starting talking about the financial side and I learnt what's happened since.

No- she doesn't want a career. She wants to be paid for. Hence the purpose of the thread. If she wanted a career she could not go full time. She laughed at the prospect and told me she wants to be looked after and only stayed in the weird living together but not together situation as she wanted him to continue paying for it all. She pissed he is now moving out.

This is an opinion formed from her words, we haven't even heard his side as he doesn't bad mouthing her in the same way.

I guess no one in this thread would stop a friendship based on this then.

OP posts:
Rosebuud · 01/03/2022 22:29

It’s very hard to tell op. You’re being very vicious about her and hugely judgemental about her, but as much as you’ve a couple of times said he’s done wrong, you’ve not expanded but treated everyone to a run down of all the wonderful things he does.

For some reason you’ve got a major issue with her and can’t stand her. I’d just own it and move on.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 01/03/2022 22:29

I guess no one in this thread would stop a friendship based on this then.

But you're not friends. Friends like each other. You clearly don't like her.

BoredZelda · 01/03/2022 22:29

we haven't even heard his side as he doesn't bad mouthing her in the same way.

In which case he's happy with the situation and it is none of your business.

TooMuchTooTired · 01/03/2022 22:31

I think you are being unreasonable pretending to her that you are her friend. She is opening up to you at what is clearly a very difficult time of her life. Your post and replies make it very clear you despise her in a way that seems personal. Let her be.

I don't think she is being unreasonable. It sounds like she raised their little kids,practically single handedly if he was out till 10pm as you say, so he could rise in his career. Now the kids are older she has a job which has to fit around school times and looking after the kids so still won't be particularly well paid or offer great career progression for her. A couple of nights/days a week he looks after his kids which you seem to think is unfair on him but otherwise when would he spend time with them and surely, as their dad, he wants to see them? And then despite the fact her raising their kids allowed him to do well in his career and she's still accommodating his lifestyle by doing pick ups etc, he no longer wants to support her. Not to mention he spent loads of their money on crap but he expected her to save?? He sounds awful.

Savvysix1984 · 01/03/2022 22:32

You don't sound a very nice friend tbh. Jealous perhaps?

Grinling · 01/03/2022 22:56

Honestly, OP, if you depicted her as any more villainous she’d be twirling her moustaches and cackling ‘Hahaha!’ while tying her helpless ex to the railway tracks and escaping with a large sack marked MARITAL SWAG.

Fayekrista · 01/03/2022 22:59

You seem rather invested in a man that's none of your business 🤔

Rosebuud · 01/03/2022 23:00

I’d be so disturbed if my friend of ten years, who I confided in, was on line telling millions of people, being vicious about me like this whilst waxing lyrical about my wonderful ex.

Swipe left for the next trending thread