AAARGH adult DSS wants to live with us, DH agreed already!

[CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo]

Two DSS - never lived with us as they were living with their mum and going to uni and moving out when DP now DH and I got together. Now adults in early 30s, they live in different cities. Both lovely, pleasant to me when we see them to take them out, we usually get on, we exchange birthday presents etc. But it's a different story when they come to stay with us for a few days - it's a nightmare. They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc. DH loves them so much I just grit my teeth and try to get through the visit without showing my resentment - they'll always be his children, I knew he had them when we got together, and he's always so pleased to see them so it's up to me to be accommodating, I get this. I really get this.

But - the eldest has just announced he's moving back to our city, and plan to stay with us while they sort out accommodation etc! DH said great, that'll be lovely, without consulting me! I know it won't be a week or two, DSS1 has a habit of ensconcing himself and not moving. I envision months before he'll actually make a move to get his own place.

I /we don't have children and there goes all my peace and quiet and relaxed lifestyle (we're retired). I've told DH there must be a fixed time period for this stay, DSS must clean up after himself and contribute at least one takeaway each week, he said he'll talk to him and it will be 'fine' but I'm sceptical. AIBU to not want to welcome him with open arms unconditionally? Wicked stepmother and all that?

definitely to set the house rules - staying for a few days is one thing, living with you is another

YADNBU! Hope DH makes DS stick to this, can you wecome your DSS then wait a couple of days to check his plans, offer to help find a flat? Make yourself the good guy so it's easier to point out he forgot to clean up after his breakfast?

Definitely need to respect house rules and contribute! Either time (cleaning / cooking etc) or financially.

He will always be your DHs son, but he's also an adult and should be treated as one. This is not his home, it's yours - if you do the wicked stepmother role well enough he might leave quicker 😂

Now is the time to set the rules, before he arrives!

I think its perfectly reasonable to agree house rules with adult dc. Id ask for a sit down talk. Discuss how you expect your home to be treated, what do you both envision meal wise - family meal each night or each cooking their own, will they pay rent, perhaps everyone needs their own personal fridge and cupboard space for items they specifically buy - everything else shared. Definitely better discussing before hand so everyone knows what's expected of each other.

I'd be fucking furious. YANBU.

I'd probably accept them coming for a while while they are trying to set themselves up but I'd expect to be consulted before it was agreed to. Just shows a massive lack of respect.

I would 100% be firm on setting a fixed timescale and muck in around the house. Forget one takeaway a week - he needs to be contributing financially, he's an adult. I'd feel the same if it were my own kids.

YANBU. Put itching powder in his pillowcases

"he'll talk to him" is too vague.

You and DH need to talk through all the ground rules, and then those need to be presented to DSS. Contribution to food and chores, expectations such as letting you know if they want to join you for meals or not, rules on use of kitchen, rules on guests, etc. Better to establish it all at the outset.

If he's only visited before, hopefully you can avoid it sounding like "I don't like having you here" if you do it now. You can say your wanting to lay ground rules is because you know of families with resident adult children where it has been an issue - you realise he might be much more considerate, but best to agree things from the outset.

@ohhooh

Definitely need to respect house rules and contribute! Either time (cleaning / cooking etc) or financially.

He will always be your DHs son, but he's also an adult and should be treated as one. This is not his home, it's yours - if you do the wicked stepmother role well enough he might leave quicker 😂

I was thinking of setting up the guest room as a bedsit, put in a small tv - it already has a dressing table / desk and office chair, I think an easy chair would fit in too, small tub chair. Maybe a kettle and mini fridge too. Thinking to give us some space if he has his own.

But maybe this would make it too comfortable?

@midlifecrash

YANBU. Put itching powder in his pillowcases

I was thinking of setting up the guest room as a bedsit, put in a small tv - it already has a dressing table / desk and office chair, I think an easy chair would fit in too, small tub chair. Maybe a kettle and mini fridge too. Thinking to give us some space if he has his own.

But maybe this would make it too comfortable?

This would definitely make it too comfortable Cleansup, he'll never leave! You don't have to put in the suggested itching powder but neither do you have to enable him to stay permanently. Look at your usename!

Don't clean up and don't cook
Let your DH do all the labour that the dss will generate
Maybe then your DH s eyes will open quite quickly

Your dh should be doing all the thinking around your dss's accommodation. Sounds like if you start to get involved you will end up with all the additional work.

I would just smile and nod and make sure that your dh doesn't assume that you will be taking everything on.

He’s done a pretty rubbish job of bringing them up if they’re so inconsiderate. He can reap what he’s sown but no reason you have to. I’d be spitting tacks tbh.

A talk before hand is needed about what he will do. Last time I moved home I was on the dole and gave half of it over. Did the food shop/ cleaned/ did dinners etc as I was around. He needs to know you will not be picking up after him, if he needs to tidy after himself. Depending on how you do meals I would probably just ask him for a set amount per week for bills/ food and include him in dinners. If you have wildly different tastes let him to his own but insist he contributes towards bills.

I think I can understand you DH not discussing it with you. He was excited and assumed (wrongly) you would be just as excited.

That set up does sound too comfy, if you don't think he will be inclined to move out don't do that! But I know it might give you peace. When I moved home I didn't get to disrupt the soaps/ shows that were the going thing at the time.

I was thinking of setting up the guest room as a bedsit, put in a small tv - it already has a dressing table / desk and office chair, I think an easy chair would fit in too, small tub chair. Maybe a kettle and mini fridge too. Thinking to give us some space if he has his own.

Jeeze no. By doing that you're giving the impression that the room is his long-term.

To be honest I think it's perfectly reasonable for a dad to agree to his son staying for a few weeks while finding accommodation. He has to have a base to do that, and he's his son. But you need to agree a fixed duration, and your DH has to address any poor or selfish behaviour on his son's part.

Set house rules. I've already told dsd the rules for when she finishes university, cleaning rotas, cooking once a week for us all (pay for the ingredients) and picking up milk etc if she noticed it was low. we aren't charging rent but 50% of earnings above £100 are to be saved or we will. She pays for her car. Phone etc and I get to borrow her Disney plus account if she wants my Netflix!

Tell your DH to start looking online for suitable accommodation, or tell the DSS to do it.

I was thinking of setting up the guest room as a bedsit, put in a small tv - it already has a dressing table / desk and office chair, I think an easy chair would fit in too, small tub chair. Maybe a kettle and mini fridge too. Thinking to give us some space if he has his own

TV maybe but the rest is madness. Kettle??!! Who do you think will be clearing up all the dirty mugs and manky tea bags?

Your DH needs to make it crystal clear that it is temporary and he will be expected to be actively looking for his own place.

Kick your idiot DH out (joke, kind of) and say to DSS if he wants to move in here are the rules.

I'd be mad too, but him actually moving in - however temporarily - makes it easier to set a boundary, because he's not there on a guest basis any more.

You can be like: "Well seeing as you don't get guest privileges any more, you'd better be washing up hadn't you?", "Do you want to do the big shop this week, DSS, or do you just want to contribute some money and me and your dad will do it" etc. Can all be affable and non-confrontational, just lightly make it clear it's absolutely expected that he behaves like a member of the household now he is 'officially' one.

Stuff like the TV etc - that's going to be on you & DH to enforce. Sorry DSS you can't watch X, me and your dad are actually about to watch something, etc.

I'd actually get DH to have a word beforehand and make it clear you're glad (ha) that you can both offer him somewhere to stay as a short-term solution but that he'll be expected to muck in, 'hope you're not bringing 3 binbags of washing for us to do like a student haha' etc. Then there's no surprises. And it's ultimately on DH to enforce it and have a word if he's taking the piss.

I'd be pretty unimpressed DH didn't speak to you first, but also my mum has said unequivocally her home is always open to me should I need it and I think that's a good thing, so I understand why he's done it and perhaps that he didn't think it was even a discussion, just a given as he's a parent whose child needs him (adult or not).

@AnneLovesGilbert

He’s done a pretty rubbish job of bringing them up if they’re so inconsiderate. He can reap what he’s sown but no reason you have to. I’d be spitting tacks tbh.

This.

He clearly hasn't any respect for you agreeing to him staying without consulting you.

Are you living off him?
Haven't you any money?
Do you not contribute in any way to the home?

Is this the reason he hasn't any respect for you?

@Redshoeblueshoe

Tell your DH to start looking online for suitable accommodation, or tell the DSS to do it.

Tell DH to start looking for somewhere nice for you to stay for as long as his unhouse-trained son is in residence, which he can fund.

They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc.

They can expect the moon, you don't have to give it to them.

I wouldn't be cooking dinner or providing food for them and I certainly wouldn't be giving up control of the TV remote. They are presumably fully-functioning adults capable of independent survival.

I'd also set a time limit on the stay (a fortnight maybe?) and invite a friend to stay after that so they have to leave then.

And yes, they're your DH's children, who he adores, but they're also adults! And not young adults either. My siblings and I are all in our 30s and our own parents would struggle to share a house with any of us for more than a week. It's not that we don't get along, just that as grown-up people we like our own space.

@irishfarmer
I think I can understand you DH not discussing it with you. He was excited and assumed (wrongly) you would be just as excited.

@billy1966
He clearly hasn't any respect for you agreeing to him staying without consulting you.
Are you living off him?
Haven't you any money?
Do you not contribute in any way to the home?
Is this the reason he hasn't any respect for you?

More what irishfarmer says than what billy says, he's really excited to be seeing him for a 'proper' visit. He certainly does respect me which is why he said he'll talk to DSS. We own the house together, no mortgage, bought it from selling our individual flats before getting married. We're both on private pension plus he has state pension, I don't get mine yet due to SP age change rules