AAARGH adult DSS wants to live with us, DH agreed already!

[CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo]

Two DSS - never lived with us as they were living with their mum and going to uni and moving out when DP now DH and I got together. Now adults in early 30s, they live in different cities. Both lovely, pleasant to me when we see them to take them out, we usually get on, we exchange birthday presents etc. But it's a different story when they come to stay with us for a few days - it's a nightmare. They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc. DH loves them so much I just grit my teeth and try to get through the visit without showing my resentment - they'll always be his children, I knew he had them when we got together, and he's always so pleased to see them so it's up to me to be accommodating, I get this. I really get this.

But - the eldest has just announced he's moving back to our city, and plan to stay with us while they sort out accommodation etc! DH said great, that'll be lovely, without consulting me! I know it won't be a week or two, DSS1 has a habit of ensconcing himself and not moving. I envision months before he'll actually make a move to get his own place.

I /we don't have children and there goes all my peace and quiet and relaxed lifestyle (we're retired). I've told DH there must be a fixed time period for this stay, DSS must clean up after himself and contribute at least one takeaway each week, he said he'll talk to him and it will be 'fine' but I'm sceptical. AIBU to not want to welcome him with open arms unconditionally? Wicked stepmother and all that?

I'd set ground rules from the off and stick to them religiously. I think things will come to a head if it's all as you describe. I mean I too would struggle to live with my siblings and parents full time and we are all a very close family.

What sort of time scales do you think? Eeesh!! I don't know really because if my father's wife was getting arsey about me staying I'd think she was a witch but then again I do cook and clean after myself.

It's true of most adult DC that they revert to teenagedom a bit when they go back home.
My DC are in their 20s with good jobs but DS2 has been back to live with us three times since leaving uni.

He came back in November and is moving out next week and I will miss him terribly. I love him very much and adore his company, I was thrilled when he asked to come home and feel lucky to have had this time with him which I didn't expect. That will be how your DH feels.

However it's not easy living with any adult and you do need to think about privacy for them and you.
We are lucky enough to have plenty of room so DS has his own sitting room, bedroom and uses the spare bedroom to WFH.
I don't take any money as I don't need it but he buys the odd takeaway.
The mess is annoying but as we are retired I have far more free time than he does to cook and tidy.
The one thing I would not tolerate is phones at the table. Not from anyone. DS wouldn't dream of getting his phone out during a meal becasue it has never been allowed but if he did I would make it clear it was an unnegotiable rule.

You need to ram the point home to both DH and DSS that this is not the same as a 'visit' and that, as a grown adult staying in your home, he needs to contribute and be considerate of the other adults living in the house. You need your DH 100% on side before DSS even arrives so sit him down and talk through your concerns honestly but tactfully, he is bound to be defensive of his DS. But you have examples to point to from past visits to illustrate your concerns and every right to be considered so don't let him railroad you any more than he already has.

It's vital you're on the same page though and getting him to accept the fact that you don't feel exactly the same about his DC as he does is often the biggest hurdle. That genuinely is ok though and you mustn't let him make you feel it's not, they're not your kids and it's unreasonable of him to expect you to feel the same level of love and responsibility he does for them.

You have a right to have your feelings considered in all this and it's bad enough that you weren't asked before he agreed, the least he can do is back you up now. And that means helping you, in fact he should be taking the lead, in setting and enforcing the ground rules of a longer stay. Make it clear that's a perfectly reasonable expectation of your partner and that you won't accept anything less, you're going to have to be firm or the next few weeks/months are going to be unbearable for you. Good luck

Agree rent, whether that includes food.
Is dss cooking for himself
Agree dss takes turn cooking for you all.

If dss treats it like a hotel, tell dp you'll go mad

At the first sign of teen behaviour you tell DH that you will not be cleaning, clearing it and he can deal with it as he sees fit. Then sit on your hands.

You only need one sentence for DSS "We are all adults, we can all see what needs doing"

@BirdOnTheWire
He came back in November and is moving out next week and I will miss him terribly. I love him very much and adore his company, I was thrilled when he asked to come home and feel lucky to have had this time with him which I didn't expect. That will be how your DH feels.

You've nailed it, this is how DH thinks. He's never bothered by noise and mess (not dirt, just general untidiness) when DSS are visiting, whereas I think if you make toast you should put the butter and jam away and wipe the breadboard when you've finished. And offer to make for others too! TBH, although DH is generally clean and tidy, he regresses when they visit too!

I'd be livid because of the lack of consultation, as it's your home as well as his. I would understand him wanting to support his DS, though, but unless you have huge amounts of space I'd really want a timeline for getting rid of him. (Full disclosure: I lived back in with my DF for a few years in my mid-20s and we both enjoyed it, but he has a three level terrace house in the USA and we were able to have a buffer level between us! I don't think we would have lasted a week in my UK house)

Does your DH do any of the housework? Because I'd be stressing that to him. It's all well and good to expect you to be accommodating of his children when he literally never has to do likewise for you.

I'd welcome him in and then sit him down and say that you're delighted he felt comfortable in staying with you for a short term thing until he can find his own place to live. Here are the ground rules that work for your Dad and I in this house, so you'll be expected to tow the line too.
1 - we clean up after ourselves (be that wiping down the worktops in the kitchen after we've prepared food/put our dishes in the dishwasher/do our own laundry etc.)
2 - You are family and as such we don't stand on ceremony here. If there is something that needs doing and you do it. We don't wait on each other hand and foot but if we're making a cup of tea for one we'll ask if the other wants a cuppa, so be thoughtful.
3 - We don't take liberties here. We ask before we take something, be that booze from the drinks cabinet or food from the fridge that we didn't buy ourselves.
4 - you change your bed linens and towels yourself. It isn't a hotel and I'm not a chambermaid, so don't be expecting room service!

Your DH shouldn't have any objections with anything there, so long as you're already doing it when it was just you two.

@forrestgreen

Agree rent, whether that includes food. Is dss cooking for himself Agree dss takes turn cooking for you all.

If dss treats it like a hotel, tell dp you'll go mad

Mortgage free, so no rent necessary and he can use that for deposit on his new flat - he'll need 3 months up front to move in, what with deposit and fees.

Agree about the hotel bit - and will suggest to DH he tells DSS he'll be expected to cook dinner for us, buying all ingredients, on a regular basis. I think once a week will be reasonable as I'm sure he'll be out with friends some nights.

Some element of teen behaviour is normal, I think it's subconscious - I remember noticing it from parents when staying with grandparents as a family.

if he's coming for more than a few days, this is the chance to set some ground rules, but don't go in all guns blazing - treat him like an adult, not a wayward teenager

Quickest way to get him out - no overnight guests.

TBH, although DH is generally clean and tidy, he regresses when they visit too!

It's not regressing, it's choosing to treat you like a domestic slave rather than a life partner. This is even worse than his son doing it as you know he's normal the rest of the time!

I would say "How lovely that young Derek is coming to stay for a bit! That's fine on three conditions, 1) we set a date for him to move out by 2) I won't be lifting a finger to clean the kitchen, bathroom, living room or his room while he's here - either you do it or you make him do it 3) he is expected to feed us all at least one night a week and chip in by picking up basics like bread and milk when asked."

They're both ADULT men, the extra housework for you is just not acceptable OP! You make it sound like you're having an adorable 7 year old and his puppy to look after, not a retired man and his adult son.

We ask before we take something, be that booze from the drinks cabinet or food from the fridge that we didn't buy ourselves
That's not how most families work. Everything in the house is for everyone. I only ask that if you use the last pack you write it on the shopping list.

The OP doesn't want money, it's not about cash it's about mess.
As far as housework goes you pick what you want doing. DH does all the cleaning here and I do all the cooking. We are both retired and DS works long hours so I don't expect him to do a share, just a bit. He will happily cook for us all at weekends and clean bathroom etc.

With the best will in the world, 3 adults in a house make more mess than 2. Especially two who are retired.

Why does it fall to you to clear up after any of them?
Any mess that is left, needs to be left (by you) and either your dh or dss asked/told/expected to deal with it.
Don't make life too comfortable for either of them by allowing to believe that the magic fairies do this stuff.

Yes he should have spoken to you first and yes there needs to be a deadline, however there will always be room in my house for my daughter when she needs it and she will always be welcome.

This is probably what I'm going to have to get used to. DH ex is moving back here from Scotland and we will be having DSD13 every other weekend. Has been spending holidays with us, and it's been difficult, DH says oh leave her be she's on holiday. Difficult for me not DH, obviously. Have told DH now it's going to be a regular thing she'll be expected to keep her room tidy, help with washing up and have a regular bedtime esp Sunday night as I'll be taking her to school on Mondays, ex will collect her.

Wonder how it will work out? Not looking forward to it as much as DH.

@BowerOfBramble

TBH, although DH is generally clean and tidy, he regresses when they visit too!

It's not regressing, it's choosing to treat you like a domestic slave rather than a life partner. This is even worse than his son doing it as you know he's normal the rest of the time!

I would say "How lovely that young Derek is coming to stay for a bit! That's fine on three conditions, 1) we set a date for him to move out by 2) I won't be lifting a finger to clean the kitchen, bathroom, living room or his room while he's here - either you do it or you make him do it 3) he is expected to feed us all at least one night a week and chip in by picking up basics like bread and milk when asked."

They're both ADULT men, the extra housework for you is just not acceptable OP! You make it sound like you're having an adorable 7 year old and his puppy to look after, not a retired man and his adult son.

This.

Op,
You sound very kind but it really was disrespectful of your husband to do this.

He doesn't live on his own.
Coupled with him also regressing, there is disrespect there, whether you want to accept it or not.

You share equally a home.

You are not the house skivvy and I certainly wouldn't be allowing myself to be treated as such.

Rather than turning the spare room into a space for lazy boy, fix it up as a peaceful space for yourself.

If you are not charging rent, take it from him so he has a deposit sooner rather than later.

You don't want him out on the town socialising endlessly because he has the money to, with no rent to pay.

He needs to be saving.

Also you need to tell your husband firmly, once is a mistake, twice for him to not consult you is a habit!

Why does being mortgage-free mean that you don't charge him any rent?? What about gas/electricity/water/broadband/food/council tax/use of washing machine? These are all costs that he needs to be contributing towards if he is living in the house - albeit you may decide not to charge him one-third of the total cost of all those overheads.

He will be very slow to move if he is getting free lodgings.

You are naive to think otherwise.

I had to do this when I was in my twenties. Moved in with my dad and his wife after only spending two days a week with them in my teenage years. It was horrible. I’ve never felt so unwelcome and judged at a time when I was trying to figure my life out. Spent most of my time at work or in my room to avoid the toxicity.

If you don’t want him to stay long, give him strict house rules and make sure to make him feel like a layabout whenever you see him being unproductive. Don’t forget to criticise him when he doesn’t do a chore to your liking.

Believe me, being an adult guest in your parents home can be miserable for everyone involved.

They're both ADULT men, the extra housework for you is just not acceptable OP! You make it sound like you're having an adorable 7 year old and his puppy to look after, not a retired man and his adult son.

I'd rather look after a puppy for sure 🤣 I don't mind when they make a mess, somehow!

@Hbh17

Why does being mortgage-free mean that you don't charge him any rent?? What about gas/electricity/water/broadband/food/council tax/use of washing machine? These are all costs that he needs to be contributing towards if he is living in the house - albeit you may decide not to charge him one-third of the total cost of all those overheads.

If you are not charging rent, take it from him so he has a deposit sooner rather than later

Something to think about - we don't really need it, but I could suggest to DH we take some money for expenses from DSS, keep it separately then give it back to him when he's found a place. That way his moving costs are covered, albeit unknowingly.

But, I wonder, if he's being charged, won't he think it will be ok to stay longer as he's paying his way?

If he doesn't know he's got the money he's hardly going to commit to putting down a deposit is he!

@cleansupbutwouldprefernotto, your post about making guest room into bedsit made me laugh, because I used part of inheritance from my Mum to have a massive loft conversion for my 2 ds's. My colleagues and friends all warned me I was being too soft and making rod for my own back. However I liked my son's still around as both thoughtful and good company. They had double beds, sofa, all TV including Sky Sports and Cinema, computer and gaming systems, kettles and mini fridges and Jack and Jill shower room. Eldest son was so comfortable he stayed saving a deposit until he was 33. Youngest son, 27, also very comfortable and has made noises about needing about 18 months longer for deposit. This is because house prices have shot up. The thing is they both contributed to household budget, did their own laundry, including sheets and duvet every week and each son had to cook a meal for rest of us each week so I had at least 2 days off from cooking and we had a takeaway another night so only 4 cooking nights. I also brought them both up to clean and tidy as they cook so they would not of even tried to leave the kitchen in a mess. One son had to unload dishwasher and other to take out rubbish to black bin and wash out kitchen bin, new bag. I think your problem is they are your DH sons and he has not brought them up to be self sufficient around house. You will need to tell him he is welcome but you expect him to clean up after himself, take a share of chores and cook for you at least once a week. Also tell him if he makes a mess in kitchen in morning and goes off you will leave it for him when he returns. Also you will help him look for flat.

It’s fair enough your DH has invited him to stay, it’s his son, it’s temporary, it’s not going to kill you. Think about what your grand rules are, and lay them out to your DH.

Don’t cook or clean for them, beyond a couple of family meals. Make it a ground rule that they buy their own food. Don’t allow them to take over your sitting room - make it a ground rule you get first dibs on the TV, they can go to their room and watch on a laptop. As a PP said invite a friend to stay in 3 weeks or a month, and tell him, in front of your DP the out date - don’t be vague, say Thursday the 25th, because I need to clean on Friday for my friend coming on Saturday.

I don’t think your partner is wrong to let his son stay, but as he doesn’t feel the need to consult you, you should not feel the need to be running round after them.

With kindness - there’s a bit of martyrdom to your post. You don’t have to be super nice, just nice enough for a short period of time. You are allowed to have teeth.