AAARGH adult DSS wants to live with us, DH agreed already!

[CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo]

Two DSS - never lived with us as they were living with their mum and going to uni and moving out when DP now DH and I got together. Now adults in early 30s, they live in different cities. Both lovely, pleasant to me when we see them to take them out, we usually get on, we exchange birthday presents etc. But it's a different story when they come to stay with us for a few days - it's a nightmare. They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc. DH loves them so much I just grit my teeth and try to get through the visit without showing my resentment - they'll always be his children, I knew he had them when we got together, and he's always so pleased to see them so it's up to me to be accommodating, I get this. I really get this.

But - the eldest has just announced he's moving back to our city, and plan to stay with us while they sort out accommodation etc! DH said great, that'll be lovely, without consulting me! I know it won't be a week or two, DSS1 has a habit of ensconcing himself and not moving. I envision months before he'll actually make a move to get his own place.

I /we don't have children and there goes all my peace and quiet and relaxed lifestyle (we're retired). I've told DH there must be a fixed time period for this stay, DSS must clean up after himself and contribute at least one takeaway each week, he said he'll talk to him and it will be 'fine' but I'm sceptical. AIBU to not want to welcome him with open arms unconditionally? Wicked stepmother and all that?

I would welcome with open arms & make great pals with dss.
I would not do a single piece of the "extra" work.
NONE of it.
I wouldn't do dishes/load dishwasher
I wouldn't wash his clothes
I would set a rota for cooking or providing takeaway ie 2 nights you cook, 2 nights dh cooks & 2 nights dss cooks & one takeaway & i would not shift. (If I had to I would go out by myself sneakily to eat )
I wouldn't tidy away mess or breakfast things. I would sit & chat with dss whilst dh runs around doing the extra bits.

If you don't then you'll run the risk of sh & dss having the life or Reilly with you as MS skivvy.

Start as you mean to go on.

Believe me from someone who has been there & has the scars to prove.

Respect to all the differing views here and aware I'm going against the grain. I appreciate the situation was uncomfortable, awkward and this is the OPs home where she is entitled to feel free however clearly her partner enjoyed having this time with his son. Maybe because I have heard about a few people passing away recently that has added to my perspective but why the future hostility? No one allowed around to stay, etc. Sounds extreme. Relationships are complex; occasionally in the Mumsnet world it turns super clinical and cold. Maybe the love for his son supercedes a messy household for a few months. This circumstance was one off for the rest of his (OP's DH) life.

Isn't that funny, because I would read the fucking thread before posting bollocks about a visitor who has not only arrived but has fucking left by now.

So OP can visit and leave crisp packets and used cups at her arse, finish the loo roll and not replace...

Because when I got in the first time, there was mess everywhere - like something out of one of those American frat house movies, crisp packets, dirty dishes in the sink, clothes and old socks on the floor, glasses and cups half full on the tables, even a pizza box on the tv stand. Girlfriend is as messy as DSS. I just calmly kissed DH hello, made myself some tea, and said I was going upstairs for a shower and when I came down I expected the house to be tidy. And left, seething. Gave them a good two hours and yes, they'd made an attempt. But I could feel the side-eye between DSS and girlfriend. DH was sort of huffing apologetically.

Was it really like an American frat house movie or are you exaggerating?

You're not wrong for wanting a tidy house, of course, but I wonder if your husband really prioritises tidiness the way you do to the same degree - over and above actual family having a fairly normal sort of time together at home.

Crisp packets and ups and glasses half full sound like maybe people had recently had a snack and cup of tea or whatever and hadn't got round to clearing it away yet. Dirty dishes in the sink - do you expect everything to be washed immediately?

Admit I don't know why a pizza box would end up on a tv stand though

It sounds like you were quite hostile when you came home and things were not to your standard. I just feel like there is some middle ground between everything needing to be show home ready and tidied away immediately (the way you prefer) and an absolute cesspit where the son and girlfriend expect others to pick up after them. Would they really have just left all their crap lying around after making food etc and expect somebody else to clear up the mess? Or would they have done it themselves before going out/ heading to bed?

Hi everyone, have no idea why this is trending!! Sorry for any confusion, I posted an update to say DSS has just moved out, original post was at the end of February. It was six weeks which DH enjoyed and I endured, and fortunately won't need to be repateated as he and girlfriend are now in their flat. If DSS2 decides to visit, he'll be able to stay with his brother.

DH has commented that it's nice having the house to ourselves again so I think while he enjoyed seeing his firstborn, six weeks with a messy 30+ year old and three weeks with the girlfriend resident as well was too much for him. But I managed to not be the wicked stepmother, and at the same time not be a doormat either, so big sigh of relief and we can all move on. Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment - it's appreciated.

I think the first rule is that "you have six weeks" to find your own proper home/flatshare/whatever DSS. And if the admin is running a bit slower than you'd like, it could be extended a few days at a time. Apols, HNRFT.

Glad to know it's sorted!

Absentmindedwoman:

"Was it really like an American frat house movie or are you exaggerating?"

"You're not wrong for wanting a tidy house, of course, but I wonder if your husband really prioritises tidiness the way you do to the same degree - over and above actual family having a fairly normal sort of time together at home."

"Crisp packets and ups and glasses half full sound like maybe people had recently had a snack and cup of tea or whatever and hadn't got round to clearing it away yet. Dirty dishes in the sink - do you expect everything to be washed immediately?"

"Admit I don't know why a pizza box would end up on a tv stand though"

"It sounds like you were quite hostile when you came home and things were not to your standard. I just feel like there is some middle ground between everything needing to be show home ready and tidied away immediately (the way you prefer) and an absolute cesspit where the son and girlfriend expect others to pick up after them. Would they really have just left all their crap lying around after making food etc and expect somebody else to clear up the mess? Or would they have done it themselves before going out/ heading to bed?"

Think lots of dirty cups - like several days worth. And old food wrappers, not like a recently eaten snack. Of course DH doesn't prioritise tidiness like I do - he's a man! It's taken years to get him into the habit of putting stuff away and as soon as the two DSS visit, he turns into a teenager. Yes they really do expect to leave stuff lying around and the magic fairy appears when they're not looking and takes care of it - I've had fifteen years of this, walking on eggshells between wanting to live in a normal tidy house and wanting not to upset DH or spoil his time with his sons. If things were used and put away before bed or going out, I could live with that. But it always starts with an effort being made which quickly fades away. It's my home, our home not theirs even though their father lives here - it's never been their home, they've never lived with us so I expect normal guest behaviour.

They do sound pretty slovenly in that case!

30yr olds acting like sulky teenagers would be unwelcome to visit, never mind allowed to live in my home.
Why would you even consider it?

Hello Op - glad you survived! Didn't see this when you first posted but was scrolling through just now & read your bit about Hadrians wall hike - can you remember what company it was that will take your bags to the next stop etc? Sounds really good!

I wouldn't set up anything, I think perhaps you'd make it way too comfortable. You need to quickly talk to your DH and agree ground rules such as rent, doing their own washing, contribution to food/services, doing their own meals (or perhaps doing a meal for you all and you reciprocate), must clear up the kitchen after themselves, no washing up left out as it needs to be done before bed etc.

There are companies who will just take your bag and you arrange the rest - Sherpavan and Hadriansbags - about £12-13 per bag per day, or the company we looked at who arrange everything, bags and overnight accom, breakfast, maps, about £400 for 5 days: www.thenaturaladventure.com/adventures/hadrians-wall-path/

Shop around as there are quite a few, from budget to luxury.

Hadrian's Wall: we decided to wait for better weather, thinking mid Sept when school's gone back, don't fancy the uncertain Spring weather. But we are going to do it, four nights five days going budget-ish hotels / B&Bs and spending more on nice lunches and dinners on the route. And G&Ts of course!

Hey Cleansup, thanks for the update. Quoting you: So, on the surface, it's all sorted. We'll see how it goes, but he definitely understands - contribute, clean up, and be considerate 😆didn't really go like that, did it? You got mess and a girlfriend! But you also got a happy DH, and DSS plus 1 are gone now, and you don't need to have them back. So enjoy your peaceful home again.

Funny how many posters seem to think children can behave as they wish at their parents house - hmmm. I don't agree, once they're adults - and I think thirty-something counts as adult - they should be more respectful.

Wanting to accommodate your children regardless of how old they are, doesn't show a lack of respect for your partner

Wanting to accommodate your children regardless of how old they are, doesn't show a lack of respect for your partner

No, but "just sitting there" and expecting OP to do all the work can do, especially when this had all been discussed already

Op you’re a damn saint. I’d have been reading them the riot act.

He clearly hasn't any respect for you agreeing to him staying without consulting you.

Are you living off him?
Haven't you any money?
Do you not contribute in any way to the home?

Is this the reason he hasn't any respect for you?

Wow, lots of assumptions there! OP has stated they own the home together and they're both on pension, and in terms of contributing, sounds like she's the one who keeps it nice and prepares for when his children - her stepchildren - visit. As far as respect, it's not disprespecting someone to invite your children to your home - the lack of respect comes in not discussing it first. But there was a zoom call with the son where terms of the visit were discussed by her DH, so that's hardly a lack of respect.

I'm sort of in the same boat - but there's no way I'd even try to stop a dad seeing his children even if it's not so great for me as stepmom. You put up with it and try to control the terms / do damage limitation / grit teeth / etc. Speaking in terms of lacking respect doesn't aply when it's a parent and child.

Anyway OP, glad you're back to tidy peaceful times now - I envy you, I'm in the early days of every other weekend visits from my sulky step child, feeling my way slowly and carefully... think of me please!

i dont kow why you didnt just have a word with dh while he was there and say get him to clean up or im out

why put up with it and he thiniks it went well?