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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AAARGH adult DSS wants to live with us, DH agreed already!

171 replies

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 28/02/2022 11:57

Two DSS - never lived with us as they were living with their mum and going to uni and moving out when DP now DH and I got together. Now adults in early 30s, they live in different cities. Both lovely, pleasant to me when we see them to take them out, we usually get on, we exchange birthday presents etc. But it's a different story when they come to stay with us for a few days - it's a nightmare. They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc. DH loves them so much I just grit my teeth and try to get through the visit without showing my resentment - they'll always be his children, I knew he had them when we got together, and he's always so pleased to see them so it's up to me to be accommodating, I get this. I really get this.

But - the eldest has just announced he's moving back to our city, and plan to stay with us while they sort out accommodation etc! DH said great, that'll be lovely, without consulting me! I know it won't be a week or two, DSS1 has a habit of ensconcing himself and not moving. I envision months before he'll actually make a move to get his own place.

I /we don't have children and there goes all my peace and quiet and relaxed lifestyle (we're retired). I've told DH there must be a fixed time period for this stay, DSS must clean up after himself and contribute at least one takeaway each week, he said he'll talk to him and it will be 'fine' but I'm sceptical. AIBU to not want to welcome him with open arms unconditionally? Wicked stepmother and all that?

OP posts:

caringcarer · 28/02/2022 17:15

I was very lucky my dh, sons DSD has helped me bring sons up and enjoys their company too.

HeckyPeck · 28/02/2022 17:22

@caringcarer

I was very lucky my dh, sons DSD has helped me bring sons up and enjoys their company too.

I imagine OP might feel the same if her step son didn't take the absolute piss out of her and expect her to be his maid.

Hopefully your sons are much better behaved!

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/02/2022 17:26

@FredWinnie

Don't clean up and don't cook Let your DH do all the labour that the dss will generate Maybe then your DH s eyes will open quite quickly

This....

ittakes2 · 28/02/2022 17:34

If you are retired I would use this as an opportunity to go somewhere you have always wanted to go for an extended trip. Let Dh deal with the mess and really understand what you get left with. An old friend in Australia? A spa treat in Thailand?

Beneficentbovine88 · 28/02/2022 17:41

I'm a huge advocate of making it clear to teens and adult DC that they can always come back home and will be always welcome, and yes, they're his sons and they should be able to stay with their father, but they are in their thirties now, they are not 18 year olds! He should have discussed it with you op.

Despite what everyone is saying on here, there is usually the option of a house or flat share surely?

In reality it's going to be longer than a fortnight isn't it? I would say eight weeks minimum. I know it sounds harsh but I would find this much easier to handle if I knew there was a definite agreed end date. Especially if the young adult(s) wfh.

I see it in my own family, where the parents and adult DC concerned have strong relationships, but the young men involved nonetheless have no clue very little insight as to how their presence impacts negatively on their retired parents. Coming home late at night, waking everyone up, crashing about cooking pizza at 2am, expecting meals to coincide with their work schedules, leaving cups and plates and washing around the place, leaving the bathroom in a mess, bristles in the sink, wet towels on the floor, and despite their parents bending backwards to be accommodating, basically being rude and off hand and critical. And that's without the added difficulty of the step DC dynamic!

In summary, YANBU op and I hope you and your dh can reach some compromise over this. Nits your home too.

Beneficentbovine88 · 28/02/2022 17:43

It's your home too! Not nits!

crosstalk · 28/02/2022 17:55

OP put all your thoughts down on paper from bills to household expectations and limit on stay. Then discuss it with your DH, and once agreed, for him to arrange a meeting with the 3 of you before your DSS comes in. I would think it fine for your DH to talk to his son but he could make the mistake of saying "your stepmother wants you to do x ......" leaving you up the creek. I think your idea of making him a comfortable place to stay is fine and gives all of you some privacy.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 28/02/2022 17:58

Invite a dear friend (from overseas?) to come and stay with you for a week, exactly 3 weeks after his arrival

That would give him a non-moveable move-out date , as she will need the room then

MMBaranova · 28/02/2022 18:05

I like the your friend visiting and also:

If you are retired I would use this as an opportunity to go somewhere you have always wanted to go for an extended trip.

I think his staying is not unreasonable but needs an agreed end date.

Noisyprat · 28/02/2022 18:13

I just don't understand the responses on this thread. Why is it the OPs job to 'write a list of rules, 'make it clear to DH that he needs to tell his son the rules' etc.

Firstly I would expect my DP to speak to me first before saying yes to anyone staying for any length of time. It's your house too and it shows respect for the other person.

Secondly when my DP told me I would ask him what his sons plans are, I would expect him to take responsibility of speaking to his son, laying the ground rules. He should be taking the lead and discussing what his thoughts are and agreeing with you , surely that's normal? Why are you having to take the lead? Why do women do this? Why would an adult come and stay with me and expect me to cook, clean, do their washing etc? NOT normal behaviour.

The start point is that he fits in with you, shows respect for your house and your DP ensures his son is aware of this. You start as you mean to go on, just not being a skivvy fgs! When the son doesn't step up and treat you and your DH with respect, because lets face it he's got form and clearly hasn't been brought up with decent manners, you speak to your DP about what he is going to do about it. Honestly OP you really need to not take this all on, I bloody wouldn't.

Original poster

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 28/02/2022 18:14

Thanks everyone for all the advice. Definitely not wanting to be a martyr but DSS's will always be welcome in their dad's home, there are enough threads on MN about horrible step mothers and put-upon women, I'm trying to walk the tightrope to be neither.

Love some of the ideas but definitely not going to show DH the loft conversion idea!!

What is clear, is it's DH I need to get agreement from first. Must think how I want to proceed then convince him he feels the same way.. then getting DSS' agreement will be easy.

For sure, I want to avoid the situation of @HandmaidsFail
I had to do this when I was in my twenties. Moved in with my dad and his wife after only spending two days a week with them in my teenage years. It was horrible. I’ve never felt so unwelcome and judged at a time when I was trying to figure my life out. Spent most of my time at work or in my room to avoid the toxicity.

He's arriving mid -March. Once DH and I have had our little chat, I'll whatsapp DSS to welcome him and slip in the ground rules at the same time.

OP posts:

Original poster

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 28/02/2022 18:19

@ittakes2

Might do this, now Covid restrictions are lifted, could visit my sister up north, she's been asking me to come. We've talked about hiking (part of) the Hadrian's Wall trail. Your bags are delivered every day to the next destination, and dinner & bed is waiting for you so you walk at your own pace. Mine is very gentle, with a G&T at lunch!

OP posts:

AdaColeman · 28/02/2022 18:22

I'd be angry that I was not consulted before the son's stay had been agreed.
I'd set a firm deadline for the son to move out, and I'd refer to it frequently, and ask for up dates on his plans for other housing.

If his stay was to be anything more than just a few days, I'd be asking for a realistic contribution to household expenses, and from day one he needs to be cleaning up after himself, doing his own laundry etc.

Is he going to be going out to work daily? If he's just going to be lazing round the house, I'd get a list of jobs for him to do, working in the garden, decorating etc.

Don't make things comfortable for him, or he'll never leave. Keep telling him to turn his music down!!

Volhhg · 28/02/2022 18:27

This is why never live with your partner who has kids unless you're happy to live with the kids even briefly. Even pensioners these days have adult children coming home, family is family what can you do 🤷. Definitely get some rules laid out

SarahProblem · 28/02/2022 18:42

There's a real lack of respect here OP. Whilst it's not an awful ask, DH should have discussed the rules/parameters e.g. for how long, rules on housework etc. I'd suggest having a conversation from that angle (being clear with what youre concerned about)

I'd even go as far as setting up a handy housework rota and getting DH to go through it with DSS.

I wouldn't take any money if it's not an issue but if you live in a city it could be v.easy for DSS to flit his money away on nights out and genersl city living.

wildseas · 28/02/2022 18:46

Have you considered going for amazing wonderful stepmother points by offering to pay for a small flat for him for 3 months whilst he gets settled ? Brownie points without the hassle!!!

2bazookas · 28/02/2022 18:47

You tell DH :

" You should have asked me first; and I'd have said no.

Now you're going to have to tell your son you mis-spoke and it's not going to happen. "

If he doesn't retract the invitation, then tell the DSS yourself.

"DSS I'm afraid you definitely can't move in here while you're househunting. I've told yourDad and it's not negotiable. I'm telling you now so you have plenty of time to make other arrangements."

If he asks why, you reply " Because this is my home and I should have been asked. You didn't have the courtesy to ask me. You didn't give me a second thought or any consideration and that's the reason I'm not going to consider your needs. I refuse, and its non negotiable."

namechanged221 · 28/02/2022 18:52

Do you expect him to say no, his own child can't stay with you?

Hmmmm....

CornishGem1975 · 28/02/2022 18:53

@namechanged221

Do you expect him to say no, his own child can't stay with you?

Hmmmm....

No, you expect for it to be a discussion to be had.

namechanged221 · 28/02/2022 18:55

What would there be to discuss?
I can't imagine turning my kids away if they needed to stay somewhere?

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2022 19:05

When my children have returned at various differnt stages it hasn't beem that bad

I did the washing as less wasteful. They often cooked their own meals due to timing/food choices. ~They cleaned up after themselves and had their own tv in their rooms so if different programmes were wanted, they buggered off.
Also they were out a fair bit too

pinkyredrose · 28/02/2022 19:20

Do you expect him to say no, his own child can't stay with you

Child? A man in his 30s who creates mess and treats his wife like a servant you mean!

pinkyredrose · 28/02/2022 19:22

OP why didn't the son ask you as well as his dad, does he see the house as more his dads than jointly owned? Does he have no respect for you? Surely a decent man would want to clear things with both home owners, the fact that your opinion didn't matter to him doesn’t bode well

saraclara · 28/02/2022 19:40

My 30 year old DD came back for a few months when her relationship ended. And new partner of mine who protested would be an ex-partner, frankly.
BUT my DD is conscientious and considerate. She shopped for and cooked her own meals (our timings were different due to her work) and frankly, she's more conscientious about housekeeping than I am! And of course she did her own washing. She didn't add to any of my load, and I was happy to support her in finding her own place without there being any rush.

saraclara · 28/02/2022 19:40

"...and ANY new partner of mine" even

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