AAARGH adult DSS wants to live with us, DH agreed already!

[CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo]

Two DSS - never lived with us as they were living with their mum and going to uni and moving out when DP now DH and I got together. Now adults in early 30s, they live in different cities. Both lovely, pleasant to me when we see them to take them out, we usually get on, we exchange birthday presents etc. But it's a different story when they come to stay with us for a few days - it's a nightmare. They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc. DH loves them so much I just grit my teeth and try to get through the visit without showing my resentment - they'll always be his children, I knew he had them when we got together, and he's always so pleased to see them so it's up to me to be accommodating, I get this. I really get this.

But - the eldest has just announced he's moving back to our city, and plan to stay with us while they sort out accommodation etc! DH said great, that'll be lovely, without consulting me! I know it won't be a week or two, DSS1 has a habit of ensconcing himself and not moving. I envision months before he'll actually make a move to get his own place.

I /we don't have children and there goes all my peace and quiet and relaxed lifestyle (we're retired). I've told DH there must be a fixed time period for this stay, DSS must clean up after himself and contribute at least one takeaway each week, he said he'll talk to him and it will be 'fine' but I'm sceptical. AIBU to not want to welcome him with open arms unconditionally? Wicked stepmother and all that?

Great update.

All three of you heard what was agreed and your husband can do inforcement!

I have absolutely no doubt he thought we would pocket his allowance and you would get petrol station flowers if you were lucky at the end of it🙄.

Don't be killing yourself with the dinners either.

Suit yourself.

@Hont1986
“I think you have totally unrealistic expectations of how adult children behave with their parents.

I am never going to have the kind of distant, formal relationship with my dad where I bring a bottle of wine to dinner and ask politely if I may watch something on the TV. And I'm very glad of that.

The stuff about leaving breakfast stuff unwashed and crumbs in the butter, that is annoying. But it's also part of normal family life for a lot of people. Not for you, and that should be respected! But it is for him and his children, and I wonder if you expect that respect to only flow one way.”

Are you joking?! A grown adult acting like a slob in someone else’s house is a “normal part of family life”? I’d be embarrassed to behave like that in my parents house! OP’s Partner needs to stop infantalising his sons and the sons need to learn some self respect.
Oh and I don’t see why the son can’t find somewhere to live BEFORE moving to the area like most people do when they relocate.
YANBU OP

@NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor

“I really couldn’t imagine my mum whining I didn’t contribute a bottle of wine to a meal though. She sends me home with bags full of food still in my 30s she wouldn’t accept anything if I was going round for a meal. Maybe because you’re not his mum you feel differently as you almost seem to treat them as strange guests. We’re all different though”

As a 30 year woman, Why do you let your mum send you home with bags of food? Can you not afford your own? Does it not feel a bit weird?

You've done well, OP. I'm slightly shocked he can't really cook at his age though! I was married with a toddler and another on the way at that age.

I don't think it's allowed to ask for three months rent plus fees for private rentals anymore. I rented briefly before I bought my current house, and I think I paid a month's rent as deposit, and a £200 holding fee when I said I wanted to rent the property, which was taken off the deposit. Anyway, that's by the by. Hope it all goes ok!

Update Monday 2nd May He's gone finally yay! Moved out on Saturday. I'm so relieved. It was a strain, he did attempt to stick to the agreement but somehow... seemed to think paying the lodging allowance meant maid service, and I wasn't having that. But it got old really quickly constantly asking him to put things away, and DH just sitting there, I felt like such a nag. Then his girlfriend arrived three weeks ago - whatever happened to not coming til he'd moved out?

She's decent enogh, brought flowers for me and a plant for DH but is another one who sprawls all over everything everywhere - just seemed like every time I turned around she was there, or DSS was under my feet! Their stuff was over everything, side tables, coffee tables, tv shelf but I lost it one day when the dining table was piled high and I asked them to lay the table for dinner and they just moved their stuff off to one side! Almost shouted, certainly spoke through gritted teeth and said move it to your room NOW and don't bring it back again!

I stopped offering tea when I made mine as no one offered me a drink when they made theirs. I spent a couple of long weekends with my sister and felt myself gritting my teeth as I gort nearer home on the return journey. It was bliss to see her and just be in a quiet tidy house! Because when I got in the first time, there was mess everywhere - like something out of one of those American frat house movies, crisp packets, dirty dishes in the sink, clothes and old socks on the floor, glasses and cups half full on the tables, even a pizza box on the tv stand. Girlfriend is as messy as DSS. I just calmly kissed DH hello, made myself some tea, and said I was going upstairs for a shower and when I came down I expected the house to be tidy. And left, seething. Gave them a good two hours and yes, they'd made an attempt. But I could feel the side-eye between DSS and girlfriend. DH was sort of huffing apologetically.

Second time I returned it wasn't as bad, but I still felt like I was the visitor. Anyway, the new flat is an hour away in a more fashionable and trendy area, and DSS and all his stuff and girlfriend and all her stuff is in it now. DH said last night how nice it was to have the place just the two of us again. He thinks it went well, obviously can't see how much work it was for me just getting DSS to stick to his part of the bargain, but can see the difference with the two of them gone and just us, clean and tidy, peace and quiet. No hairbrushes full of hair, no toilet roll ends left out, no empty jars of peanut butter put back in the cupboard. And no more cooking trying to please DSS and girlfriend or eating pizza or Indian takeaways non-stop.

So no more overnight DH family visitors - and if DSS2 comes to town, he can stay with DSS1. Sorted. Never again. We can visit them, or meet at a restaurant. I'm going to use our age as an excuse. No more putting myself out for anyone except maybe DH 😀And my sister, but she visits about twice a year for two nights max and is super considerate, DH loves her to bits and they get on really well, he usually asks if she can stay longer and sensible girl that she is, she says no!

Ok, there endeth the update!

I know having/being a guest can be difficult, but the absolute bare minimum a guest should do is keep their stuff in their room! I'm very untidy but wouldn't dream of behaving like that in somebody else's house.

If I was him, I'd have stayed in the all expenses paid hotel! But maybe that's because I have two teens, a DH and a dog and would bloody love a few weeks without housework or cooking...

I think you were extremely patient, I would have been furious at him moving in the girlfriend, that is taking the piss. Did she pay for the extra utilities?

God you have been patient. I cant believe they’re 30 or thereabouts and still behave as if they’re in their teens. I’m late 30s and would never behave like that in someone else’s house including my parents. My brother though does tend to regress when he stays with my parents and he’s early 30s and lives on his own where he’s mostly tidy.

If your DH won’t speak to him then you should, let him know what the rules are, re cleaning up after himself. Or your DH does it, make a stand on day 1

He's left.

I would even put a microwave in there as well and make it clear that he cleans up after himself, does his own laundry, contributes to utility and grocery bills and must give you privacy too by clearing off for most of the day, one day a week. I would insist on this even if it was my own adult dc. If you have meals together, then it’s courteous to inform you if he’s going to be late.

He has left.

Good update OP, sounds like it could have been worse!

I bet their new flat will be immaculate!

<bitter>

We did this with ‘d’ sd after she left uni. It was a bloody nightmare but I did it for similar reasons to you OP. my best piece of advice is to get a time limit set on it and impose house rules everyone follows

Just on practicalities -

Does he have a job?
Does he have good credit?
Does he have a girlfriend/just split up with one?

Is the idea to save up a couple of months' rent on a houseshare - or is it that he thinks he's staying rent and bill free for ten years moving a girlfriend in at zero cost until he gets around to finding a NMW job and thinks he can stay until he has enough for a house deposit forever?

and will the other one expect to be able to move in to have the same benefits/receive a cash gift of an equal value if he doesn't?

You could ignore the Step and it would be the same as if he were your own. There is an age/time by which they need to live on their own. Agree a fixed number of weeks and make this clear!

And now the app shows the rest of the posts... bugger.

If your DH won’t speak to him then you should, let him know what the rules are, re cleaning up after himself

OP did, and SSon agreed - then seemed to expect maid service because he'd been asked to contribute the lodging allowance his company paid

With the DH "just sitting there" instead of backing OP up, it's really not hard to see where the total lack of respect comes from is it?

Beside the point, but so lovely to hear how well you get on with your sister. Lucky to have a good relationship with her 😘

Talk to your SS yourself to get a view of what kind of accommodation he is looking for, then do your research and helpfully book lots of appointments to go to viewings with him and your husband. Surely you couldn't be a wicked step mother when you're being so helpful. Big 😀

He's been and gone.

Elvis has left the building.

deposit on his new flat - he'll need 3 months up front to move in, what with deposit and fees
If he knew he was moving, no effort to save in advance?, no deposit released from previous flat?
If it's money and availability of deposit that threatens to lengthen his stay, consider making him a loan (clear repayment terms) to hasten his exit?

I meant to bold the deposit on his new flat - he'll need 3 months up front to move in, what with deposit and fees above - quote from an OP comment

Glad you've got your home back to yourselves. Enjoy the peace.