Page 4 | AAARGH adult DSS wants to live with us, DH agreed already!

namechanged221 · 28/02/2022 19:45

Different attitudes??

There willl always be a space at home for my kids... this is always their home too if they need it.

Anything else would feel wrong?

I'm 46 but I know I could always pitch up at my parent's if I needed to and would not need to ask!

But I guess this could be different for other people.

billy1966 · 28/02/2022 22:03

This ISN'T about the OP's husband refusing the request.

This is about the basic courtesy of him acknowledging that he is married in a shared ownership home and that means you say "let me check with OP and get back to you".

Basic courtesy.

The OP has said they are messy and disrespectful of her home.

Her husband joins in and becomes messy too.

Plain disrespect and a lack of courtesy towards the OP in HER own home.

WickedStepmomNOT · 28/02/2022 22:25

Different attitudes?? There willl always be a space at home for my kids... this is always their home too if they need it.

This. Of course the DSS will stay with his dad, no surprise there. But he needs to be respectful of OP, and fit in. DH needs to think of his DW as well as his DS. OP you need to set ground rules for both of them. Difficult, I know, I'm in the same position as you. But I'm not going to buckle under when it's my life that's affected too.

Notwithittoday · 28/02/2022 22:36

Woah! for you. I’d be very concerned about this. I think you’re going to be the bad guy either way but if he stays a month you could be looking at a really bad fall out. As others have said I would only allow a week and in the meantime I would not be making it comfy. Could you get any workmen in ? Any walls need knocking down? Any jobs you’ve been holding off ? Now’s the time to get them done

Outhouse71421 · 28/02/2022 23:43

I'd be very annoyed not to be consulted. I'd offer 6 weeks, which is a fair time to find somewhere, and definitely set ground rules. After that, separately sit your DH down for a chat about partnership. And make sure there is a rota for cooking, to include your DH.

Hawkins001 · 28/02/2022 23:53

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

Two DSS - never lived with us as they were living with their mum and going to uni and moving out when DP now DH and I got together. Now adults in early 30s, they live in different cities. Both lovely, pleasant to me when we see them to take them out, we usually get on, we exchange birthday presents etc. But it's a different story when they come to stay with us for a few days - it's a nightmare. They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc. DH loves them so much I just grit my teeth and try to get through the visit without showing my resentment - they'll always be his children, I knew he had them when we got together, and he's always so pleased to see them so it's up to me to be accommodating, I get this. I really get this.

But - the eldest has just announced he's moving back to our city, and plan to stay with us while they sort out accommodation etc! DH said great, that'll be lovely, without consulting me! I know it won't be a week or two, DSS1 has a habit of ensconcing himself and not moving. I envision months before he'll actually make a move to get his own place.

I /we don't have children and there goes all my peace and quiet and relaxed lifestyle (we're retired). I've told DH there must be a fixed time period for this stay, DSS must clean up after himself and contribute at least one takeaway each week, he said he'll talk to him and it will be 'fine' but I'm sceptical. AIBU to not want to welcome him with open arms unconditionally? Wicked stepmother and all that?

All the best op

CornishGem1975 · 01/03/2022 09:54

@namechanged221

What would there be to discuss? I can't imagine turning my kids away if they needed to stay somewhere?

Haven't seen anything that indicates he NEEDS to stay, rather than wants to stay.

I wouldn't turn my kids away either if they were down on their arse and needed a home, but as adults who have already left home and it's a decision they are making? Well, it's not a given. Would completely depend on the circumstances and I would 100% expect them to pull their weight and financially contribute to the household - no reason that can't happen. I'd also discuss it fully with my DH first (they're not his kids) because it doesn't just affect me.

MeridianB · 01/03/2022 18:33

Yikes! I think the bedsit idea will backfire. But banning overnight guests is a good one. Esp as he won’t be paying rent.

Your DH needs to wake up to the extra housework and setting some reasonable boundaries. It’s the least he can do as he’s raised a 30-something man to behave like a slob!

sadpapercourtesan · 01/03/2022 18:37

Hmm, I think a lot of us who aren't stepparents are thinking "If I entered into a second relationship, one of the red lines right from the start would be that the door is open to my kids, no exceptions". That's certainly my position. As long as I am alive and have a roof over me, there is a place for my kids.

I think he should have discussed it with you out of politeness, but I don't think he should have had any expectation at all of you refusing or setting limits on how long his son can be there etc. I would leave DH if he made me choose between him and the DC, and he's their father.

Ramalamadingdongs · 01/03/2022 18:40

I wouldn't agree to this.

ChocolateMassacre · 01/03/2022 18:45

@sadpapercourtesan

Hmm, I think a lot of us who aren't stepparents are thinking "If I entered into a second relationship, one of the red lines right from the start would be that the door is open to my kids, no exceptions". That's certainly my position. As long as I am alive and have a roof over me, there is a place for my kids.

I think he should have discussed it with you out of politeness, but I don't think he should have had any expectation at all of you refusing or setting limits on how long his son can be there etc. I would leave DH if he made me choose between him and the DC, and he's their father.

The thing is, the only people who really love (and might be able to put up with) 30+ year old slobs are their parents. Because they have the warm and fuzzy memories of their adorable children to temper their exasperation. I could just about put up with someone else's 15 year old acting like a moody teenager in my home, but I definitely couldn't cope with a 30 year old adult doing this.

sadpapercourtesan · 01/03/2022 18:48

@ChocolateMassacre which is why this eventuality should have been talked about much, much earlier and should have been a factor in the decision to live together. Because a lot of parents (me included) would simply not allow another adult to prevent us from offering a home to our own children. If the OP's DH feels that way about his children, that's a relationship-wrecking problem.

AuntieMaggie · 01/03/2022 19:23

Have sex loudly? Might encourage him to move on sooner rather than later!

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 01/03/2022 19:34

I know my parents would always have me back int he home, no questions asked, as I would with DD when she is an adult. I imagine your DH is the same. Of course, when the child isn’t yours it’s different and DH should have discussed it with yiu first. As others have said, set ground rules, I would maybe even suggest a deadline of moving out if you hate having him in the house, as ultimately when you’re so miserable it effects anyone else.

I really couldn’t imagine my mum whining I didn’t contribute a bottle of wine to a meal though. She sends me home with bags full of food still in my 30s she wouldn’t accept anything if I was going round for a meal. Maybe because you’re not his mum you feel differently as you almost seem to treat them as strange guests. We’re all different though.

saraclara · 01/03/2022 19:48

Haven't seen anything that indicates he NEEDS to stay, rather than wants to stay.

He's moved back to the area, and it takes time to find somewhere to live. I had a friend stay with me while they flat hunted. I know how hard they were trying to find a place as we researched together while he was staying. But even for a rental in a place where there isn't a shortage of them, it took six weeks. Places are advertised before they're actually available to move into, on the whole.

When my DD came back after her relationship broke up, I suppose it wasn't entirely necessary that she came home. Maybe a friend would have put her up until she found somewhere? But I'm her mum. Of course she was welcome here

Hont1986 · 01/03/2022 20:27

I think you have totally unrealistic expectations of how adult children behave with their parents.

I am never going to have the kind of distant, formal relationship with my dad where I bring a bottle of wine to dinner and ask politely if I may watch something on the TV. And I'm very glad of that.

The stuff about leaving breakfast stuff unwashed and crumbs in the butter, that is annoying. But it's also part of normal family life for a lot of people. Not for you, and that should be respected! But it is for him and his children, and I wonder if you expect that respect to only flow one way.

BruceAndNosh · 01/03/2022 20:43

I'd also make it clear that any invitation to stay is for DSS alone.
You don't want him moving a girlfriend or boyfriend in by stealth.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 01/03/2022 21:25

I was in the situation a few years ago so the day he moved in we had a house meeting and l set out all my expectations and consequences if they weren't observed. Which of course they weren't. Dh soon realised if the lady of the house isn't happy, ain't nobody happy so he dealt with it .
Never again.
Op your dh should have run this by you before agreeing.

Original poster

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/03/2022 23:51

@NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor

I know my parents would always have me back int he home, no questions asked, as I would with DD when she is an adult. I imagine your DH is the same. Of course, when the child isn’t yours it’s different and DH should have discussed it with yiu first. As others have said, set ground rules, I would maybe even suggest a deadline of moving out if you hate having him in the house, as ultimately when you’re so miserable it effects anyone else.

I really couldn’t imagine my mum whining I didn’t contribute a bottle of wine to a meal though. She sends me home with bags full of food still in my 30s she wouldn’t accept anything if I was going round for a meal. Maybe because you’re not his mum you feel differently as you almost seem to treat them as strange guests. We’re all different though.

Hardly 'whining' about not bringing wine - it's the principle. Adult children should at least offer, I'd never turn up for dinner without bringing flowers, chocs, wine or if it's a special occasion, all three, and that absolutely includes dinner with family too of course. And good manners would suggest adult DC should offer, if not to actually provide a meal, to contribute at least something for meals when they stay with us. We're pensioners - they're in their 30s, not students - would they turn up to friends empty handed? I hope not.

Your mum has decided to keep treating you like a child and send you off with bags of food, or perhaps she knows you need it, or maybe just enjoys doing it, I don't know your circumstances. When DSS were at uni and we visited them, I'd bake cakes and things for them and DH would always slip them some extra cash and we'd take them out for meals. But that was ten years ago and they're both in their thirties with good jobs. They're always welcome and always will be welcome at our house but it's not their home, time to grow up and be considerate house guests.

So many threads on mn about man-boys but seems like some people think these 30 year olds should not be treated as adults!

OP posts:

Original poster

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/03/2022 23:53

@AuntieMaggie

Have sex loudly?

Might encourage him to move on sooner rather than later!

🤣 🤣 🤣

OP posts:

jimmyjammy001 · 02/03/2022 00:04

Unfortunately if you get into a relationship with somebody who allready has children, even adult children who have moved out, then there's allways a chance that they may have to move back in with their parents later on in life, their children will allways be their priority even if it inconveniences you I'm afraid. Will just have to put up with it for now.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 02/03/2022 00:20

@Hont1986

I think you have totally unrealistic expectations of how adult children behave with their parents.

I am never going to have the kind of distant, formal relationship with my dad where I bring a bottle of wine to dinner and ask politely if I may watch something on the TV. And I'm very glad of that.

The stuff about leaving breakfast stuff unwashed and crumbs in the butter, that is annoying. But it's also part of normal family life for a lot of people. Not for you, and that should be respected! But it is for him and his children, and I wonder if you expect that respect to only flow one way.

Does your dad have a partner? Do you take over the communal space when you visit? I certainly don't, I fit in with them, whoever it is I'm visiting. Being messy isn't normal for every family, and it's not respectful to enter a clean space and leave it dirty.

WickedStepmomNOT · 02/03/2022 00:25

So many threads on mn about man-boys but seems like some people think these 30 year olds should not be treated as adults!

Who'd be a step mom? Can't do right for doing wrong, and get told you should have known better. We're just people, we're not all horrible, why do we always have to come second? When does it stop, when's it OP's turn, when she's 90 and DSS is 60?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 02/03/2022 00:43

StepMum of adult DSS here who works away from home, will always be room for him and his partner if they need it, as with DC when needed and I wouldn’t expect wine with every meal for doing so. Life is much harder financially for younger generations and we should take into account they won’t have the financial security at the age that we did. But then my DSS lived with us so I can see how you might not have that sense of responsibility.

Set aside a space for yourself, rather than for them, that you can escape to. Lay down ground rules and a ask for a leaving date for the calendar.

NumberTheory · 02/03/2022 00:56

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo
Mortgage free, so no rent necessary and he can use that for deposit on his new flat - he'll need 3 months up front to move in, what with deposit and fees.

If he's in his mid-30s with a good job and no kids he really ought to have 3 months rent saved up already. If he doesn't I think he's very unlikely to save in anything like a reasonable time frame while being given a free ride at his dad's house. Not charging him rent will just make your place look far more attractive to him.

I get why his dad might not want to charge him. If I didn't have to I wouldn't want to charge my kids. But the idea not charging him will help him save for a deposit seems naive.