AAARGH adult DSS wants to live with us, DH agreed already!

[CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo]

Two DSS - never lived with us as they were living with their mum and going to uni and moving out when DP now DH and I got together. Now adults in early 30s, they live in different cities. Both lovely, pleasant to me when we see them to take them out, we usually get on, we exchange birthday presents etc. But it's a different story when they come to stay with us for a few days - it's a nightmare. They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc. DH loves them so much I just grit my teeth and try to get through the visit without showing my resentment - they'll always be his children, I knew he had them when we got together, and he's always so pleased to see them so it's up to me to be accommodating, I get this. I really get this.

But - the eldest has just announced he's moving back to our city, and plan to stay with us while they sort out accommodation etc! DH said great, that'll be lovely, without consulting me! I know it won't be a week or two, DSS1 has a habit of ensconcing himself and not moving. I envision months before he'll actually make a move to get his own place.

I /we don't have children and there goes all my peace and quiet and relaxed lifestyle (we're retired). I've told DH there must be a fixed time period for this stay, DSS must clean up after himself and contribute at least one takeaway each week, he said he'll talk to him and it will be 'fine' but I'm sceptical. AIBU to not want to welcome him with open arms unconditionally? Wicked stepmother and all that?

They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc.

There is a big difference between welcoming your husband's children and being expected to put up with this in your own home. 'Formal' relationship or not, a 30 year old expecting others to wait on them and clean up after them is just grim. Especially when there isn't the parent-child relationship to 'excuse' it (though I'd be mortified to treat my parents like this).

I’d probably suggest dh do all/most of the cooking and cleaning for the next few weeks as a reminder of what needs doing to help him make sure his son pulls his weight and because he will be expected to carry the extra load, not put it all on you. Relax, take a week off, don’t do the shopping, and have your meals served to. And if the place is a tip at the end of the week that’s an excellent starting point to explain you can’t live in this so it is starting to look like it’s you or his son, and make sure its clear he is the reason not his son, if he can’t jump up and cover the gap. dss could be a slob and if dh is willing to take on the load it’s not such a big deal. But if dh isn’t, then it’s very unfair on you.

You wouldn't think that you would have to tell grown men of this age, how to behave in another house, but now you will have to discuss things, about some irritating issues that the person has, and hope they get the message.

We're just people, we're not all horrible, why do we always have to come second? When does it stop, when's it OP's turn, when she's 90 and DSS is 60?

This is a bit dramatic, isn't it? This is the first time this has happened in the length of OP's relationship, which has been going since the sons were in their late teens. This sounds like it might be a trying few weeks but it's hardly like it's a constant encumbrance that is ruining her life.

@HardbackWriter

We're just people, we're not all horrible, why do we always have to come second? When does it stop, when's it OP's turn, when she's 90 and DSS is 60?

This is a bit dramatic, isn't it? This is the first time this has happened in the length of OP's relationship, which has been going since the sons were in their late teens. This sounds like it might be a trying few weeks but it's hardly like it's a constant encumbrance that is ruining her life.

Sorry, that was me projecting because DH ex is moving back here and DSD13 will be coming every other weekend. Imagining years of mess ahead and my house not my own, it's been difficult when she's visited on holidays, messy, sulky, DH says oh leave her be she's on holiday. Difficult for me not DH, obviously. Told DH now it's going to be a regular thing she'll be expected to keep her room tidy, help with washing up and have a regular bedtime esp Sunday night as I'll be taking her to school on Monday mornings.

Not looking forward to it, but obviously she's his daughter so I have to suck it up with as much grace as possible. Would be nice if her mother or father suggested she be polite to me instead of grunting or ignoring me. Am redecorating the spare room so it's her room not the spare room any more, hope she likes it and appreciates my efforts. If necessary I'll try rearranging my hours so I'm working on her weekends, don't know what else to do.

@FredWinnie

Don't clean up and don't cook Let your DH do all the labour that the dss will generate Maybe then your DH s eyes will open quite quickly

Definitely this ^^ It’s his bright idea so he’s in charge. I’d certainly be charging board and lodging too.

@ChocolateMassacre

They regress into sulky teenagers, make a mess, spend all their time even at dinner on their phones, never contribute so much as a bottle of wine, make their own breakfast leaving everything out, never wash up, expect dinners cooked and able to watch what they want on tv etc etc.

There is a big difference between welcoming your husband's children and being expected to put up with this in your own home. 'Formal' relationship or not, a 30 year old expecting others to wait on them and clean up after them is just grim. Especially when there isn't the parent-child relationship to 'excuse' it (though I'd be mortified to treat my parents like this).

Your DH is 50% responsible for their upbringing so he’s going to have to step up and sort them out. My mother told me, when I left home for nursing aged 18, that I would never be welcome to return home. My DCs have always been welcome but they wouldn’t expect me to run around cleaning up after them. In fact when they do stay I have less to do than when it’s just DH and I!

What's stopping you from setting some clear house rules?

Washing up done, respect for each other's space, paying a token amount towards food at least (and bills).

DH should not have agreed without consulting you. It's up to him to explain to his adult son how to behave in someone else's house. And make sure he knows it is temporary.

Stand your ground.

I certainly wouldn't be cleaning up after him. If he leaves any mess at all don't touch it. Your DH should have consulted you about this. It's not his decision alone when it's something that'll impact your life.

@Hankunamatata

I think its perfectly reasonable to agree house rules with adult dc. Id ask for a sit down talk. Discuss how you expect your home to be treated, what do you both envision meal wise - family meal each night or each cooking their own, will they pay rent, perhaps everyone needs their own personal fridge and cupboard space for items they specifically buy - everything else shared. Definitely better discussing before hand so everyone knows what's expected of each other.

Yes this. He is in his thirties, not a teenager, so this is totally reasonable. It is also reasonable for you to say “hoi! Go and do your dishes!” Etc, if he “forgets”. You can do this in a good humoured way, it doesn’t have to be you reaching the end of your rope. Just make it clear that he is an adult and needs to behave like one.

Well in your case @WickedStepmomNOT the answer to when it'll be 'your turn' is when your stepchild isn't still an actual child as she is currently. Your post is so sad, your poor SD - she gets almost no time with her father and you resent every minute she is present.

@WickedStepmomNOT

Very wise to adjust your working rota to EOW if that suits you.

I would be leaving all parenting, shopping, cooking and laundry re your SD to her father.

You really do not have to be running around after a rude, grunting child.

I certainly wouldn't be doing it for any child, even my own if they were rude.

Stop putting up with this.

The change of schedule is a perfect time to suit yourself better.

Why are you decorating her room?

Is her father one of those lazy waster fathers who avoid parenting their own children?

@HardbackWriter

Well in your case *@WickedStepmomNOT* the answer to when it'll be 'your turn' is when your stepchild isn't still an actual child as she is currently. Your post is so sad, your poor SD - she gets almost no time with her father and you resent every minute she is present.

No I don't resent every minute they spend together, I encourge it, and I'm the one who arranges things like travel and outings. I'm just having a moan, this is supposed to be a safe place. Foolish of me not to think they might have moved back again, when I met DH, he and ex and DD had been living at opposite ends of the country. Now suddenly I'm faced with living just a few miles apart and EOW, and I'm trying to adjust to the change of the 'there are three of us in this marriage'. Obviously not very well!

For the record, DH is doing the painting and putting up shelves, new flatpack furniture etc for her room, I'm doing the soft furnishings, my way of trying to make her feel welcome while feeling a bit

Start as you mean to go.

His child, his job to look after her.

Be pleasant and kind, but largely absent if you find yourself being treated poorly.

Leave this to your husband.

I feel for you @WickedStepmomNOT it's a bit of a dance trying to please everyone including yourself and still keep your self respect by standing up for yourself while trying not to upset anyone!.

DSS is zooming us tonight, so DH and I are going through things before then. The tone of his message sounded very positive and friendly, we'll see what transpires, and I'll update later or maybe tomorrow.

Really appreciate everyone giving their time to voice an opinion, been helpful sorting out my own feelings, and not one LTB 🤣

I hope it goes well.

Making your husbands responsibilities crystal clear to him is very important.

His son, his responsibility.
His cleaning, his cooking.

Begin as you mean to go on.
No offers of dinner every night.
No huge shops.
Rent, utilities, and food contributions...AKA real life costs.

I think taking this time to visit any and all those you love would be wise.

When you visit, do not shop for them.

Your husband isn't as respectful as he should be.
Let this be a clean start where you simply do not assume ANY responsibility for this situation.

Also make it very clear that you will not accept your home being disrespected by EITHER of them.

They need to clean up after themselves on a DAILY basis.

Good luck.

Well we had the zoom call last night, and there was some interesting news. DSS is moving here on a promotion transfer! They offered him either a paid hotel, or a lodging allowance, and he's taken the lodging allowance. DH immediately said you'll be paying that to us to cover your costs, and he sounded a little surprised but quickly agreed. He told us someone, in HR I think, will be helping him look for permanent accommodation and they've already listed him with agencies they work with. All good so far!

He's arriving weekend after next, and expects to be in a flat by 1st May, so six weeks max with us. I was proud of DH when he told DSS we've recently made improvements to the house - we had the builders in and got rid of the leaky conservatory roof and had a real tiled roof put on - and he will be expected to keep the house clean and tidy the way I like it, and loud music on headphones only.

I told him I'd show him where the spare linen is and show him how to use the washing machine so he can look after himself and his own room, and he said no problem. I asked him how his cooking is and he laughed and said he's rubbish at more than scrambled eggs or beans on toast. DH then cut in and said 'then you can take us out for dinner or get a deliveroo once a week'. His girlfriend won't be coming down until he's in his new flat.

So, on the surface, it's all sorted. We'll see how it goes, but he definitely understands - contribute, clean up, and be considerate. The only sticking point came when he asked about parking. We're in a CPZ M-F 8-6 and on previous visits we've provided guest vouchers, but that was only for max one weekday as their visits are usually weekends. DH started saying something but I interruped and said breezily 'oh I'll give you the link for the council and you can sort a weekly permit'. DSS was taken aback but I quickly said 'well that's all settled then, see you in a few days, have a safe drive down' and left the zoom chat. DH doesn't have a clue how to do parking vouchers as I've always done it, that works to my advantage now , I won't have to nag him for his plans to make sure I've bought the vouchers which are time-sensitive.

Fingers crossed!

Sounds positive! Well done OP.

He must be crazy not staying in the hotel! He would be able to claim for meals there and for getting his laundry done.

@HollowTalk

He must be crazy not staying in the hotel! He would be able to claim for meals there and for getting his laundry done.

I expect he thought he would be able to keep the lodging allowance!

So, on the surface, it's all sorted. We'll see how it goes, but he definitely understands - contribute, clean up, and be considerate.

Well done for speaking up OP, hope it all works out. Would be great if he's respectful of your clean space and doesn't leave it dirty. Do let us know how it goes, I'll be watching for your follow up post in a few weeks!

@HollowTalk

He must be crazy not staying in the hotel! He would be able to claim for meals there and for getting his laundry done.

But unless it's one of those apart-hotels, a hotel room is only ok for a few nights. A home is much more comfy, even with a few parental restrictions, and DSS will get to spend time with his dad. Maybe if he feels too restricted, he can opt for the hotel option later, get one close to his new flat while he checks out the neighbourhood and makes arrangements to move in.

Nice one Cleansup, thanks for the update. Hope it works out, looking forward to when DSD is adult and rational like your DSS

That's a joke! But really hoping when they move here and she stays EOW that I'll get to know her better and we'll get on. Have bookmarked for your next update after DSS arrives.

Wrong not to consult

But as a parent o would have struggled not to immediately say yes

Wow!
You have handled this brilliantly.. hope it all goes to plan.
Well done!