Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about Mil wedding accommodation

161 replies

UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 11:31

Bil getting married later this year. Its at a wedding barn in middle of nowhere. Me and dh can't drive (dh can't because he has dyspraxia). It will likely take us 3 hours door to door via public transport (bus, then train, then either bus and, walking or a 25 pound taxi ride). Wedding starts at 11.30am so might need to set off at 7am to make sure we get there incase there are train and bus delays etc.

I'm a sahm because my son is autistic. He is 4. I will have to see how he settles at school before working. He can't do a full day at nursery at the moment because he wants to come home by lunchtime, he will have a melt down overwise. He has behavioural issues and will hit, push and kick other children at nursery, soft play and play groups if they get is his space. In laws are annoyed he isn't coming to wedding but me and dh both agree it's for the best as its a big wedding with lots of other children and his behaviour can be unpredictable and it's likely he won't sit still and hit other children there.

My parents will look after my son while we go to wedding. He is very good with my mum. Mil lives in city near wedding venue and dh asked if we could stay the night and travel with them to the wedding. She said no because she is going to invite DH's third cousin's family to stay the night and hire a car to drive them to wedding. They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes). So we will either have to pay for a 100 pounds Hotel and taxi or pay for my parents to stay in hotel near our house and set off at 7am in the morning and travel for 3 hours (my parents live an hour and half away and won't be able to get to our house in time so will need hotel).

AIBU to think giving priority to distant family members over your own son is a bit crappy. Especially since distant family are wealthy and can more than afford hotel and we are on one income with an autistic son. I have become more frugal with money because the future is uncertain. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 28/02/2022 11:34

When she wants a favour from you in the future, you are under no obligation to help her out. This would seriously damage my relationship with her, such that I would no longer make any effort to maintain one!
If you really can't afford it and it's too hard, it's okay not to attend

StrawberryFever · 28/02/2022 11:45

Her distant family are flying in from another country to attend her son's wedding. It seems obvious to me that she'd like to offer them a place to stay and to spend a bit of time with them, since presumably she sees them a lot less frequently than she does you - and it's likely that she'll be busy doing the rounds at the wedding so won't get to spend much time with any one group.

Why can't your parents stay at yours the night before?

CornishGem1975 · 28/02/2022 11:47

Nope, I don't think she should prioritise distant family over close family.

Regardless though, it all sounds like a massive sodding ballache so I wouldn't be going at all (and I love a wedding!)

Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 11:48

seriously damage my relationship with her
This is my feeling, but dh thinks it doesn't matter and thinks we should just pay for hotel. Mil also tried to guilt us into paying for wedding accommodation at the barn on the wedding night as well since wedding finishes at midnight. Those hotel rooms are almost 150 pounds. I agreed to leave early and dh asked to share hotel room at wedding barn with his sister (Mil has paid for his sisters room and his sister probably has more disposable income than us).

OP posts:
Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 11:51

Why can't your parents stay at yours the night before? my house is to small for my parents and us. If we could stay at Mils my parents could stay at my house as they have their own key.

OP posts:
pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 28/02/2022 11:52

Just don't go.
Tell your DH he can go alone if he wants.

whysoserious123 · 28/02/2022 11:52

Can your parents come down the night before and stay with you ? And then one grandparent look after your child and the other drive you and DH to the wedding as a one off ?

Could they come down the night before and stay with you and then you all drive up to the wedding and your parents could take your child out for the day and drive you all back later? if you have a big enough car and I don't know how old your parents are

Could you bite the bullet and pay the money ?

TempName01 · 28/02/2022 11:54

Would MIL have room for just DH to go with them and perhaps you join him later on for the evening do?

Hankunamatata · 28/02/2022 11:55

@UsernameWeddingChange

seriously damage my relationship with her This is my feeling, but dh thinks it doesn't matter and thinks we should just pay for hotel. Mil also tried to guilt us into paying for wedding accommodation at the barn on the wedding night as well since wedding finishes at midnight. Those hotel rooms are almost 150 pounds. I agreed to leave early and dh asked to share hotel room at wedding barn with his sister (Mil has paid for his sisters room and his sister probably has more disposable income than us).
So your not staying the night of the wedding? Would there be room in the car if dh went alone?
StrawberryFever · 28/02/2022 11:56

Mil also tried to guilt us into paying for wedding accommodation at the barn on the wedding night ...

DH asked to share hotel room at wedding barn with his sister (Mil has paid for his sisters room and his sister probably has more disposable income than us).

This however would annoy me (though the sister being paid for would be ok if the sister is still in full time education/ some similar reason/ your DH had otherwise received a lot more financial assistance)

Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 12:00

I don't think there is room at Mils because she has said one of the distant family members is sleeping on couch.

I'm not staying wedding night as the hotel rooms at wedding barn are 150 pounds and that's alot on money on top of train, taxi, wedding gift, drinks at the wedding and possible accommodation cost the night before wedding. Dh is staying in his sisters room on wedding night.

OP posts:
TempName01 · 28/02/2022 12:01

It sounds easier all round to just let DH go on his own, he can crash on MILs sofa

TempName01 · 28/02/2022 12:03

Could DH stay with the brother that is getting married? Is he not a groomsman or anything?

Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 12:03

StrawberryFever
That has annoyed me on top of this as well since Sil has a full time job and most likely more disposable income. Yet Mil is paying for her room and not DH's and she is giving priority to distant in laws over us.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 12:05

Surely the best thing to do is for your parents to stay at yours, you pay for hotel room nearer venue the night before - Premier Inn or Travelodge or whatever. Ask if someone else travelling can give you and DH a lift on the day to the barn.

You might feel it’s unfair your MIL having different plans but you’re adults and have to make your own plans.

Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 12:07

TempName01
Not sure I want to bother bil the night before his wedding. No dh is not groomsmen. We have been excluded from anything in wedding. DH's sister and cousin are bridesmaids and I wasn't asked. We have been treated differently since we had dc.

OP posts:
HelenWick · 28/02/2022 12:08

I'd just pull out and stay at home with DS for the weekend.

SparrowLand · 28/02/2022 12:08

Is there any way DH can go alone and go up the day before and stay with MIL/his brother? Or is there a cheap hotel/H&M you could stay in?

Side note; I have dyspraxia (scored on the 0.01 percentile) and drive an automatic car. Took me a lot of lessons and tears but I got there eventually with an automatic only license so if your husband wants to then no reason to think his dyspraxia will fail him because I fell guilty of that mindset for many years!

Flapjak · 28/02/2022 12:08

Husband go on his own. It sounds like you arent wanted so i wouldnt bother wasting your time and money. Equally dont ever feel obliged to help out when needed

ultraviolet4753 · 28/02/2022 12:09

I wouldn't go. It sounds like it's very inconvient, a long drive and expensive.

They should understand the difficulty of the days logistics because of your husband's dyspraxia and sons autism.
If you really must make an appearance, send DH by himself.

SparrowLand · 28/02/2022 12:10

B&B not H&M! Cross posted though and see he’s not in the wedding party. I think I would mention to BIL your struggles though. I’m sure he would rather try to house your DH than potentially have him not to go unless there’s some massive back story?

Is there anyone nearby going to the wedding you could offer petrol money to?

Dustyroad63 · 28/02/2022 12:10

I just wouldn’t go. There’s too many negative points already.
Why should you spend money you don’t have on this as well as putting out your son your parents and yourself for a few hours at a wedding.
Maybe just DH could go then you can save all the hassle.
I seriously couldn’t be bothered with it.

ChristmasCrackered · 28/02/2022 12:11

I can see it from the perspective of the distant cousins, they’re spending a lot of time and money attending the wedding, and if they don’t stay with family, they will only have the wedding day itself to actually spend time with their family, when the family will be spread thinly with all the other guests.

Original poster
UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 12:15

I am tempted to let DH go on his own and he can travel down on morning on his own and hopefully catch a lift part of the way.

I will get alot of negativity from DH's family about not going. I am the black sheep of family ever since marrying dh and having dc.

OP posts:
Neenawneenaw76 · 28/02/2022 12:15

Just don't go, you're under no obligation to people who don't really respect you at all, DH can go if he's desperate to