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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about Mil wedding accommodation

161 replies

UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 11:31

Bil getting married later this year. Its at a wedding barn in middle of nowhere. Me and dh can't drive (dh can't because he has dyspraxia). It will likely take us 3 hours door to door via public transport (bus, then train, then either bus and, walking or a 25 pound taxi ride). Wedding starts at 11.30am so might need to set off at 7am to make sure we get there incase there are train and bus delays etc.

I'm a sahm because my son is autistic. He is 4. I will have to see how he settles at school before working. He can't do a full day at nursery at the moment because he wants to come home by lunchtime, he will have a melt down overwise. He has behavioural issues and will hit, push and kick other children at nursery, soft play and play groups if they get is his space. In laws are annoyed he isn't coming to wedding but me and dh both agree it's for the best as its a big wedding with lots of other children and his behaviour can be unpredictable and it's likely he won't sit still and hit other children there.

My parents will look after my son while we go to wedding. He is very good with my mum. Mil lives in city near wedding venue and dh asked if we could stay the night and travel with them to the wedding. She said no because she is going to invite DH's third cousin's family to stay the night and hire a car to drive them to wedding. They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes). So we will either have to pay for a 100 pounds Hotel and taxi or pay for my parents to stay in hotel near our house and set off at 7am in the morning and travel for 3 hours (my parents live an hour and half away and won't be able to get to our house in time so will need hotel).

AIBU to think giving priority to distant family members over your own son is a bit crappy. Especially since distant family are wealthy and can more than afford hotel and we are on one income with an autistic son. I have become more frugal with money because the future is uncertain. Thanks for reading

OP posts:

rookiemere · 28/02/2022 13:27

@UsernameWeddingChange but it does make sense for MIL to spend time with relatives she rarely sees.

HollaHolla · 28/02/2022 13:29

@NoSquirrels

Surely the best thing to do is for your parents to stay at yours, you pay for hotel room nearer venue the night before - Premier Inn or Travelodge or whatever. Ask if someone else travelling can give you and DH a lift on the day to the barn.

You might feel it’s unfair your MIL having different plans but you’re adults and have to make your own plans.

This is a good idea. If you can ask around, and find someone staying at the same hotel, you could get a lift, or share a taxi. The budget hotel rooms are usually around £60 at a Premier Inn or the like. Hope you can find a way to do it - or else I’d stay home, and just let your DH go alone. Make the excuse of childcare, if you need it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2022 13:29

Me and dh can't drive (dh can't because he has dyspraxia)

Why don't you learn to drive?

It sounds impractical for you both to attend the wedding if you can't afford it and can't get there. Just decline the invitation.

Mommabear20 · 28/02/2022 13:31

Your annoyed because THEY decided who stays at THEIR house?

The other relatives are coming from another country fgs!

MrsTrumpton · 28/02/2022 13:35

Presumably SIL's room is paid for because she's a bridesmaid and part of the wedding party? That's fair enough, IMO.

Clearly your relationship with MIL is at rock bottom, so why would you want to spend any time with her travelling there anyway?! Sounds like it would be hell!

If the two of you can get to the venue off your own steam and you're happy to leave early while your DH stays to enjoy himself, I think you should. It's his brother's wedding, a one-off special event. Then, once it's done, pull back on contact with the MIL. I wouldn't want to spend any time with a person who blamed me for my child having autism.

weaselish · 28/02/2022 13:35

Tbf it just sounds like you're looking for excuses not to go. It's his brother's wedding - yes it may cost you a bit, and travel is inconvenient if neither of you drive (why don't you learn?), but for a family wedding you should just get on with it and certainly not make it known how "difficult" it is for you. Find a solution and just get on with it, like all the other guests will have to do. And as for prioritising overseas guests - of course they should!

Blossom64265 · 28/02/2022 13:48

It is his brother’s wedding. You find a cheap hotel room near the venue and figure out transportation. Look at the cost of two nights vs returning early because depending on transport costs and difficulty it might not actually save you much to exit the wedding early. You don’t have to stay at the official venue and you don’t have to make a time sensitive trek dependent on 20 different forms of transport.

Bobbins36 · 28/02/2022 13:53

[quote rookiemere]@UsernameWeddingChange but it does make sense for MIL to spend time with relatives she rarely sees.
[/quote]
This. OP sounds like a professional victim tbh.

Aprilx · 28/02/2022 14:01

Does nobody on mumsnet ever go out of their way or spend £100 to attend a siblings wedding without moaning about it?!

It is nice to offer lodgings to people visiting from overseas, perhaps MIL offered them first and has the food manners to not uninvite people.

I think you just want people to tell you not to go at all. So do that.

Derbee · 28/02/2022 14:07

You don’t sound like you want to go, so don’t go. Expecting MIL to put you up so you don’t have to pay for a hotel, or to pay for your hotel after the wedding etc is unreasonable.

Talking about other people’s incomes/homes etc is totally irrelevant. It’s also irrelevant whether or not you feel MIL should be paying for your hotel etc.

If you want to go and you can afford it, go.
If you don’t want to go, don’t go.

Loki01 · 28/02/2022 14:26

@StrawberryFever

Her distant family are flying in from another country to attend her son's wedding. It seems obvious to me that she'd like to offer them a place to stay and to spend a bit of time with them, since presumably she sees them a lot less frequently than she does you - and it's likely that she'll be busy doing the rounds at the wedding so won't get to spend much time with any one group.

Why can't your parents stay at yours the night before?

This.

mrsm43s · 28/02/2022 14:34

You're adults! It's up to you to make your own travel plans and book and pay for your own hotel rooms for a close family member's wedding. Why do you think it is MILs job to do it for you? And to expect her to change her plans from hosting her family coming from overseas just to make life more convenient for you is very entitled!

Surely your DH has known about his DBs wedding for some time? Why has he not sorted out travel and put some money aside for this?

I think its time for you and DH to stand on your own two feet and start acting like independent adults.

Original poster

UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 14:39

It’s also irrelevant whether or not you feel MIL should be paying for your hotel etc
I don't think she should pay for our hotel, but she has paid for Sil's and then try to make us stay in the same expensive wedding barn hotel which yes has hit a nerve. Because I think you should treat all your children equally.

people’s incomes/homes etc is totally irrelevant it is actually relevant I think, especially when you have a disabled child. Since everything in my life revolves around how it will effect my dc. How will he react? Will he have meldown? Will he attack other children. I could be my sons carer for life and not be able to work. People who do not have children with disabilities do not understand. You get nothing but judgment from family, friends and strangers. So excuse me for wanting to save as much as I can for the future and not make an effort with people who are annoyed when dc does not act how they want and gone as far as blaming for him having autism.

OP posts:

Derbee · 28/02/2022 14:44

@UsernameWeddingChange

It’s also irrelevant whether or not you feel MIL should be paying for your hotel etc I don't think she should pay for our hotel, but she has paid for Sil's and then try to make us stay in the same expensive wedding barn hotel which yes has hit a nerve. Because I think you should treat all your children equally.

Sorry, but your SIL is part of the wedding party. They often have their hotel paid for the night of the wedding. Your husband is not part of the wedding party, so it makes sense that he’d pay for his own hotel.

Other people’s incomes/homes IS irrelevant. YOUR income is relevant. If you can’t afford it, don’t go. But don’t moan that some people are better off than you, so you deserve more from certain people.

Wishensticks · 28/02/2022 14:45

Just don't bother going. We didn't go to BILs wedding because of practicalities (no childcare and children weren't invited). We're surprisingly still alive.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2022 14:45

@UsernameWeddingChange

I am tempted to let DH go on his own and he can travel down on morning on his own and hopefully catch a lift part of the way.

I will get alot of negativity from DH's family about not going. I am the black sheep of family ever since marrying dh and having dc.

If you're already the black sheep, then I'd prefer to be hung for a sheep than a lamb! By which I mean - if nothing you do pleases them, then it's time to please yourself. Stop considering them at all. This wedding sounds like a total PITA, arranged without any consideration for the guests - difficult and expensive to reach. I'd skip it.

thanktor · 28/02/2022 14:46

@UsernameWeddingChange

Is it any wonder she doesn’t want you staying? She complains when we don't visit and stay for Christmas and DH siblings birthday parties at her house. So it's just when it suits her.

That is with her grandson presumably

thanktor · 28/02/2022 14:48

What a shame

Your husbands brother is getting married
Your husband would like to book a hotel

And yet you’re creating high drama at a special time for your brother.

FGS op, just go with the flow on this one, for your husbands sake

Although I suspect that that is not something you would ever be willing to do, for anyone.

Original poster

UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 14:50

Sorry, but your SIL is part of the wedding party. They often have their hotel paid for the night of the wedding. Surely by the bride and groom not Mil? Its the point of Sil always getting favouritism by Mil over DH every single time. And after 12 years of it I am sick of it.

But don’t moan that some people are better off than you, so you deserve more from certain people. And again its putting DH behind every other family member. Surely most people would put their children first especially if they have grandchildren with extra needs?

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 28/02/2022 14:51

Off topic , but why don’t you learn to drive- not for this, but it will make your life easier in the long run.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/02/2022 14:51

I think you are being unfair, it is not anyone else's responsibility to get you to the wedding.

Quite normal to prioritise letting overseas family stay.

Original poster

UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 14:54

That is with her grandson presumably No before dc as well.

Your husband would like to book a hotel He is fine with travelling on the morning. It just means I might not be able to make it as my family are not likely to get to my house in time.

OP posts:

Bobbins36 · 28/02/2022 14:56

You are coming across as bitter and over involved in DH relationship with his mother. It’s not your business who has more money than you, everyone in life has their struggles and issues, they don’t need to revolve around yours.

Original poster

UsernameWeddingChange · 28/02/2022 14:56

Off topic , but why don’t you learn to drive- not for this I am trying in case I need to drive dc to a special needs school. I am finding it difficult due to issues which are most likely from my own undiagnosed autism.

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 28/02/2022 14:58

Best way is to get the £25 taxi. Thats £50 to abd fro. Can you stretch to that?

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