AIBU about Mil wedding accommodation

[UsernameWeddingChange]

Bil getting married later this year. Its at a wedding barn in middle of nowhere. Me and dh can't drive (dh can't because he has dyspraxia). It will likely take us 3 hours door to door via public transport (bus, then train, then either bus and, walking or a 25 pound taxi ride). Wedding starts at 11.30am so might need to set off at 7am to make sure we get there incase there are train and bus delays etc.

I'm a sahm because my son is autistic. He is 4. I will have to see how he settles at school before working. He can't do a full day at nursery at the moment because he wants to come home by lunchtime, he will have a melt down overwise. He has behavioural issues and will hit, push and kick other children at nursery, soft play and play groups if they get is his space. In laws are annoyed he isn't coming to wedding but me and dh both agree it's for the best as its a big wedding with lots of other children and his behaviour can be unpredictable and it's likely he won't sit still and hit other children there.

My parents will look after my son while we go to wedding. He is very good with my mum. Mil lives in city near wedding venue and dh asked if we could stay the night and travel with them to the wedding. She said no because she is going to invite DH's third cousin's family to stay the night and hire a car to drive them to wedding. They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes). So we will either have to pay for a 100 pounds Hotel and taxi or pay for my parents to stay in hotel near our house and set off at 7am in the morning and travel for 3 hours (my parents live an hour and half away and won't be able to get to our house in time so will need hotel).

AIBU to think giving priority to distant family members over your own son is a bit crappy. Especially since distant family are wealthy and can more than afford hotel and we are on one income with an autistic son. I have become more frugal with money because the future is uncertain. Thanks for reading

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

The OP does not want to go to this wedding.

So? She doesn't want to go. That's good enough reason not to go. As the old phrase goes, it's an invitation, not a summons. The myriad arguments as to why she should pull out all the stops to go - 'because it's DH's brother's wedding and you HAVE to' - are therefore sideways from the point. No concessions are being made for her whereas she's being expected to sacrifice other important celebrations, such as Christmas, to the whims of her MiL.

It isn't necessary to dream up a million-and-one excuses as to why she can or cannot go. It doesn't work for her. It creates too many problems in accommodating her child, who has ASD, and as that child's mother she is rightly putting his interests first.

As PPs on this thread keep helpfully pointing out, they are all adults. Adults can make their own choices as to how they wish to host their weddings. Would-be guests can decide to accept or decline on the same basis. That's all there is to it.

As for the to post above, She's a grown up and needs to act accordingly. Noone has to do anything for her nor pay for her. She chooses not to drive. She chooses not to take responsibility for herself - I'm unsure where you make the leap between ability to drive and ability to take responsibility for oneself. And if the bride, groom, MiL et al have no responsibility to do anything whatever for OP, then the same is true in reverse and she has no similar responsibilities toward them.

Because they're all adults, right?

Come on? She's an adult and cannot drive, yet expects others to run around after her?

If you choose not to drive you expect that travel is expensive and a pain in the proverbial.

Talk about a woe me post!

They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes).

I suspect that's why they are invited to stay, so MIL can toady up to the rich relatives.

I agree with the first poster, I wouldn't be doing PIL any favours.

@Arabellla

They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes).

I suspect that's why they are invited to stay, so MIL can toady up to the rich relatives.

I agree with the first poster, I wouldn't be doing PIL any favours.

This quote from the OP screams jealousy. Maybe the MIL wants to spend time with and host family she doesn’t see v often and who’ve travelled from abroad to attend a family gathering. As opposed to spending time with someone who clearly can’t stand her.

@UsernameWeddingChange

Why can't your parents stay at yours the night before? my house is to small for my parents and us. If we could stay at Mils my parents could stay at my house as they have their own key.

For one night? You couldn't sleep on an airbed or something and let your parents have your bed?

If your MIL already had arranged for the family from abroad to stay at hers then you can't expect her to cancel that to accommodate you and your DH

Hadn’t MIL already agreed to host the distant relatives when you asked to stay? So she couldn’t very well turn around and say they had to find a hotel instead?

If you have a strained relationship with his family, maybe they don’t want you staying over as it will be awkward.

Most people pay for a hotel when travelling to a wedding so in your MIL’s position I’d wonder why you hadn’t factored in that cost.

Mil refused them & said she was going to invite the others I believe.

@Mix56

Mil refused them & said she was going to invite the others I believe.

Others who were travelling from abroad to come to a family occasion. Totally reasonable!

@UsernameWeddingChange if you're the black sheep of the family then attending or not attending the wedding is not going to change their already dim opinion of you. So don't go. Send DH and say you have to stay with your son.

If they don't like you anyway, nothing you do will change it, so just please yourself and stop trying to please them.

This is your DH brother’s wedding it IS a big deal and it is important, and I think you’re making things way too complicated here because you’re trying to find reasons not to go. I think this is one of the few occasions you should attend. In this case I would try to pay for the hotel, I’d bring my child and then take him off to the room if he gets overwhelmed, and I’d make plans to go the night before. You should really be working out HOW to do this rather than thinking of ways to not do it.

I think she's been awful in the past, but in this situation YABU and obstructive. It's DHs brother, who you appear to get on fine with, so don't complicate his wedding with your family rifts. Just do what DH wants and get a hotel.

It's a siblings wedding, accommodation is an expected cost. Just because you want to stay at someone's house, doesn't mean they have to tell the people they have already invited, who are doing them a favour in return (driving) and paying more than you to attend, to stay elsewhere.

It sounds like you are making this more difficult than it has to be, find a cheap hotel or AirB&B nearby. It's what every single other guest will be doing.

Your MIL sounds v unpleasant but it is up to her who she pays for and who she hosts. Feel free not to go though (I certainly wouldn't).