AIBU about Mil wedding accommodation

[UsernameWeddingChange]

Bil getting married later this year. Its at a wedding barn in middle of nowhere. Me and dh can't drive (dh can't because he has dyspraxia). It will likely take us 3 hours door to door via public transport (bus, then train, then either bus and, walking or a 25 pound taxi ride). Wedding starts at 11.30am so might need to set off at 7am to make sure we get there incase there are train and bus delays etc.

I'm a sahm because my son is autistic. He is 4. I will have to see how he settles at school before working. He can't do a full day at nursery at the moment because he wants to come home by lunchtime, he will have a melt down overwise. He has behavioural issues and will hit, push and kick other children at nursery, soft play and play groups if they get is his space. In laws are annoyed he isn't coming to wedding but me and dh both agree it's for the best as its a big wedding with lots of other children and his behaviour can be unpredictable and it's likely he won't sit still and hit other children there.

My parents will look after my son while we go to wedding. He is very good with my mum. Mil lives in city near wedding venue and dh asked if we could stay the night and travel with them to the wedding. She said no because she is going to invite DH's third cousin's family to stay the night and hire a car to drive them to wedding. They are coming from another country for the wedding. Wedding venue is near the airport and this family is very wealthy (jobs high up in finance and second homes). So we will either have to pay for a 100 pounds Hotel and taxi or pay for my parents to stay in hotel near our house and set off at 7am in the morning and travel for 3 hours (my parents live an hour and half away and won't be able to get to our house in time so will need hotel).

AIBU to think giving priority to distant family members over your own son is a bit crappy. Especially since distant family are wealthy and can more than afford hotel and we are on one income with an autistic son. I have become more frugal with money because the future is uncertain. Thanks for reading

@UsernameWeddingChange

Why can't your parents stay at yours the night before? my house is to small for my parents and us. If we could stay at Mils my parents could stay at my house as they have their own key.

One night??

Quite rightly you prioritise your child, but not everyone else will, even family ( I’ve been there with my youngest child). It seems to have made you very bitter at your MIL in particular, if I had a pound for everyone who blamed me for my child’s issues I would be a lot richer than I am. It sucks but it’s life, I would suggest your DH goes to his brother’s wedding as he seems to want to go and you decide whether you want to go or not? Regardless of the difficulties if you go you need to put a smile on your face, if you won’t be able to do that don’t go. Is it worth spoiling your BIL’s wedding cause you are pissed off with your MIL

The wedding is later this year?

Premier inn room sales are £22. Same with travel lodge.

Use next few months to keep an eye and save a couple of pounds a month

You won’t though, will you?

if I had a pound for everyone who blamed me for my child’s issues I would be a lot richer than I am. It sucks but it’s life how do you stay civil with family members who blame you? Any advice as I certainly struggle with it.

@UsernameWeddingChange

if I had a pound for everyone who blamed me for my child’s issues I would be a lot richer than I am. It sucks but it’s life how do you stay civil with family members who blame you? Any advice as I certainly struggle with it.

Out of interest What does your dh say to his mother when she blames his wife?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable here.

Yes, it seems as though MIL isn't going out of her way to help you, in the way she is dh's sister or distant cousins.

However, you are 2 grown adults and this is your dh's brother's wedding. Does he have a relationship with his brother apart from through MIL? It is up to the 2 of you to sort the logistics for attending his brother's wedding.

Find a Premier Inn or travelodge within a taxi ride of the wedding and stay there the night before and of the wedding.

Or give up your bedroom to your parents so they can stay overnight at yours and then drop you somewhere closer to the wedding the morning of the wedding.

Splash out on the £150 barn if you can arrange a lift with other friends or family the following day.

The overnight stay and breakfast the next day will be part of the family wedding celebrations.

Dh sharing a room with his adult sister, paid for by his mum on the occasion of his brother's wedding while you get a taxi/bus/train home early sounds odd. Odd dynamic of expecting MIL to fund and organise everything and not getting into the celebratory spirit.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But if you could, with a few sacrifices, then I think you should try.

Off topic, but you've mentioned dh's dyspraxia as a reason he can't drive - is there a reason you don't? I certainly don't expect that everyone should be able to drive, but even for those of us who live in places well served by public transport, there are occasions when being able to drive makes life a lot easier.

I sense your frustrations and sympathise with your concerns OP. For whatever reasons you and MIL aren't going to see eye to eye and that may never change. You are worried about money and they don't appreciate how hard things are with your DS.

But I think you should go to the wedding. This is a chance to engage with the wider family when your MIL won't be dominating the day and for you and your DH to have some time away together. Explain to
DBiL that you are pushed at the moment and give him a bottle of wine or an IOU to help dig his garden or something instead of a cash gift. Book 2 nights in the cheapest travellodge/ BandB you can find in the nearest city to the wedding, both leave the wedding at 10pm with a bottle of wine off the table and have an early night to yourselves while you are dressed up and feeling your best.
You can take a picnic dinner for the first night to save money on takeaway.

Your relationship with the family won't improve if you refuse to engage. MIL may be a lost cause but the others may not.

You have been treated shabbily by your MIL, I'm sorry you are getting a bashing on here.
No one is obliged to pay/help/or do anything for anybody, but most families help & will pay if they can afford it & you are struggling.
Your H could ask his mother why they are making both your presence as difficult as possible.

Out of interest
What does your dh say to his mother when she blames his wife?
At the time he said he wanted an apology from her. She didn't and turned it around like she was the victim. It has definitely affected the relationship with her for him.

Dh sharing a room with his adult sister, paid for by his mum on the occasion of his brother's wedding while you get a taxi/bus/train home early sounds odd I don't want to stay 12 hours at a wedding. That is my idea of a nightmare.

is there a reason you don't? most likley undiagnosed autism is why I find it difficult. With some anxiety issues around getting in accidents.

You have been treated shabbily by your MIL, I'm sorry you are getting a bashing on here. Thanks

If spending the full day at the wedding is your idea of a nightmare (due to your possible autism) and the wedding is in a location where it's akward for you to dip in and out of - it would seem to make sense for your dh to go alone.

Then your parents don't even need to come down to look after your son (unless they want to visit with you!).

Can your dh go to his sister's the night before and travel with her to the wedding?

@UsernameWeddingChange

*Out of interest What does your dh say to his mother when she blames his wife?* At the time he said he wanted an apology from her. She didn't and turned it around like she was the victim. It has definitely affected the relationship with her for him.

Dh sharing a room with his adult sister, paid for by his mum on the occasion of his brother's wedding while you get a taxi/bus/train home early sounds odd I don't want to stay 12 hours at a wedding. That is my idea of a nightmare.

is there a reason you don't? most likley undiagnosed autism is why I find it difficult. With some anxiety issues around getting in accidents.

A) why do you and your DH WANT to stay with your in laws or you both have difficult relationships with them. Yours in particularly seems poisonous

2. How could she swing saying that the autism was “your fault” to her playing the victim. Genuinely curious

If 12 hours at a family wedding is your idea of a nightmare then decline the invite and don’t make a meal of it. The brother in his sisters room is just plain weird, book the guy a room (doesn’t have to be in the expensive place) and don’t moan about a one off expense for his brother’s weddding.
If he has a poor relationship with his mother (whether that’s her fault, his, yours or partly everyone involved) then don’t expect her to shower you with cash and favours while that’s an ongoing situation.
If you feel you have an undiagnosed condition, perhaps seeking a diagnosis and some support wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to go to the wedding in any scenario
That is your prerogative

But coming up with all these excuses is just odd and creating drama

You have many MONTHS before the wedding if it’s “at the end of the year”

Why is saving a couple of pounds a month for a travel lodge hotel so abhorrent you you?

Stop worrying about what everyone else earns. They may earn more but have less disposable income or other debts. Don’t feel resentment towards them because you perceive them to have more.

Honestly don’t go - it’s too much hassle and you already feel excluded (btw why should you be bridesmaid if it is your DH sister?). Or go and enjoy the day.

As grown up adults that don’t drive, these situations tend to be one offs. This is the time to pay for a hotel close by and get a cab to the venue. Yes expensive but it’s not a regular occurrence

Why can’t your parents lip in your bed the night before and you and DH take a blow up bed on the floor in your living room?

I have to say I wouldn’t have expected to be a bridesmaid in your shoes. You’re a SIL. Not a sister

*kip

You do sound like you’re creating a lot of drama because you don’t want to go to the wedding. It’s shared money, and your DH wants to book a hotel for his brother’s wedding. You don’t, so you’re making up lots of excuses.

Your son’s autism isn’t even strictly relevant, as you have childcare etc arranged with your parents. It’s just literally that you don’t want to go, and you’re dipping into a bag of weak excuses and pulling them out at random.

You don’t have to go to a wedding that you don’t want to go to. But it’s not fair to ruin anything for your husband when he wants to celebrate a family wedding

I'd be annoyed too but tbh not surprised, our in-laws would offer others before us too. Do not pay for accommodation or transport which will be an uncomfortable financial stretch for you. Just remember this if they want something from you in the future, maybe you have better things to do or places to be.

My not our in-laws

Can your dh go to his sister's the night before and travel with her to the wedding? Yeah he might be able to sleep on her couch.

A) why do you and your DH WANT to stay with your in laws or you both have difficult relationships with them. Yours in particularly seems poisonous Dh would be fine he is used to putting up with her. And she guilts us every Christmas and Easter about staying with her. And 1 night is never enough.

2) How could she swing saying that the autism was “your fault” to her playing the victim. She claimed she has not been blaming me and turned it around by saying how could you think that of me. And we are awful for saying it and she won't tell Fil we think so bad of her as he Fil is stressed enough.

A lot of what you mention on here is normal these days. I've just come back from a family wedding. The happy couple didn't want gifts as they've been in their own house for 2 years and they've got everything. They asked for money. That's fine and in fact it's easier because we didn't have to bother worrying about what to buy them. We stayed overnight at the wedding venue which was out in the sticks. £120 for our room - pricy but not extortionate. Breakfast included.
It was a lovely weekend. I just wish we could do it all over again! Stop worrying, OP, just go and enjoy it. You'll regret it if you don't. Big family occasions shouldn't be missed.

OP your MIL isn’t behaving like family, and please ignore people kicking you just to get their dopamine hit.

YANBU at all! You have a disabled child, are short on money. People should help out or accept you won’t be coming.

All of this ‘you’re all adults’ business is stupid. What’s family for then?
If the B&G don’t hate you ask if you can stay in their house otherwise just don’t go. You only push the boat out for family. And these people aren’t treating you as family.

Christ alive…

A) why do you and your DH WANT to stay with your in laws or you both have difficult relationships with them. Yours in particularly seems poisonous Dh would be fine he is used to putting up with her. And she guilts us every Christmas and Easter about staying with her. And 1 night is never enough.

So she asks you to stay Xmas and Easter which you give the impression you hate, but on one family occasion when she can’t hasn’t asked you to stay you get the hump? Righto.

2) How could she swing saying that the autism was “your fault” to her playing the victim. She claimed she has not been blaming me and turned it around by saying how could you think that of me. And we are awful for saying it and she won't tell Fil we think so bad of her as he Fil is stressed enough.

If she denies blaming you what exactly has she said that you claim is blaming you? Have you (understandably) been overly sensitive and she’s been tactless and it’s gotten out of hand?